Friend has gone weird with me

Lunni

Yes, it's a weird one. I'm currently abroad for a short time with my partner. Before I left, myself and the boyfriend had a mutual friend back home who we saw a lot of. We met at my workplace but often met up outside work (myself, my bf, him and his wife) to go to pub quizzes, have dinner at each other's houses, go hiking, you get the idea.

Anyway, in the last few months, the guy seems to have stopped talking to me/us. Last time I was home before Xmas, I met up with him but he was really short with me. Borderline rude, as if I was annoying him. We were back home again (both myself and the bf) for a few days and texted him to meet up for a coffee but he never replied. Myself and the bf each sent a him short e-mail a couple of months ago. No reply. He and his wife had a baby recently which I thought explained the lack of contact, but he's on Facebook all the time and is communicating with plenty of other people. He posted about running the London marathon last week, asking people to sponsor him. I sponsored him £10 and said best of luck and to e-mail me if he wanted any tips, as I've done quite a few marathons. No response. He didn't even 'like' my comment, while he liked everyone else's.

I'm left wondering what on earth I (or we) have done wrong.

Lisha

I hate FB implied insults via not liking something . It's just so childish .

Short answer op none of us can say why your friend is a bit off with you.

Would you consider a pm/text asking directly is there an issue?

Maybe he is fickle enough to think 'out of sight, out of mind' ? He could just be in a new baby bubble of just identifying with other new parents. Which is a bit childish too tbh.
Maybe he's jealous of your new adventure? Maybe he feels abandoned ?

Either way op I'm not sure if there is much you can do. All I can say to you is best of luck and I hope all goes well for you.

Lunni

Lisha wrote: »

I hate FB implied insults via not liking something . It's just so childish .

Short answer op none of us can say why your friend is a bit off with you.

Would you consider a pm/text asking directly is there an issue?

Maybe he is fickle enough to think 'out of sight, out of mind' ? He could just be in a new baby bubble of just identifying with other new parents. Which is a bit childish too tbh.
Maybe he's jealous of your new adventure? Maybe he feels abandoned ?

Either way op I'm not sure if there is much you can do. All I can say to you is best of luck and I hope all goes well for you.

Oh, I'd normally agree, but on top of everything else, it seems significant. Seems a bit rude not to even acknowledge my comment or thank me for sponsoring him. Perhaps it is just out of sight, out of mind and he's busy. Just odd to be so close to someone for so long and then nothing. I guess I was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what they did? I'd rather avoid 'confrontation' in case he thinks I'm being self-centered (I know he's busy with the new baby), so I haven't bothered him, just posted nice comments about the baby photos etc. Weird.

Stavro Mueller

Not being smart here but if you don't know why he seems to have gone cold, how can we?

As it happens, something a little bit like that did happen to me. A longstanding friend got married, moved away and cut contact with me out of the blue. It turned out that she had done the same to others as well. To this day I've no idea why and I really don't care. She did make contact a while ago, acting as if nothing had happened.

Lunni

cymbaline wrote: »

Not being smart here but if you don't know why he seems to have gone cold, how can we?

As it happens, something a little bit like that did happen to me. A longstanding friend got married, moved away and cut contact with me out of the blue. It turned out that she had done the same to others as well. To this day I've no idea why and I really don't care. She did make contact a while ago, acting as if nothing had happened.

Well, as I said, I was wondering if it had happened to anyone else and how they dealt with it. Or even if someone has done this to one of their friends and why they did it?

Stavro Mueller

Well, in the case of my friend I did nothing. If someone doesn't want to be friends, then why chase them? You could of course ask what's up but whether you'd get a workable answer is another matter. Sometimes it's as simple as people get a notion into their head one day that you're not really someone they want to hang around with any more.

StickyIcky

People come into our lives, people drift out of our lives

Simples

rock22

Lunni wrote: »

Yes, it's a weird one. ..

... the guy seems to have stopped talking to me/us.

... We were back home again (both myself and the bf) for a few days and texted him to meet up for a coffee but he never replied. Myself and the bf each sent a him short e-mail a couple of months ago. No reply. He and his wife had a baby recently which I thought explained the lack of contact, but he's on Facebook all the time and is communicating with plenty of other people. He posted about running the London marathon last week, asking people to sponsor him. I sponsored him £10 and said best of luck and to e-mail me if he wanted any tips, as I've done quite a few marathons. No response. He didn't even 'like' my comment, while he liked everyone else's.

I'm left wondering what on earth I (or we) have done wrong.

Can't answer you question but, have you thought of taking up the phone and talking?
It seems all your recent communications are via text e-mail or facebook. Your friend might feel there is no real contact anymore since you went away. Anyway, a quick call to your friend would have answered your questions far better than anything I can say.

Lunni

rock22 wrote: »

Can't answer you question but, have you thought of taking up the phone and talking?
It seems all your recent communications are via text e-mail or facebook. Your friend might feel there is no real contact anymore since you went away. Anyway, a quick call to your friend would have answered your questions far better than anything I can say.

I can't really afford to, I'm abroad, and not good on the phone anyway. He is in my Skype contacts, but never calls me and ignored the couple of messages I sent to ask if he was free to talk. I know he uses Skype a lot for work and for his family to see the baby, so I don't want to bother him. We did meet up in person before Xmas and he wasn't very friendly, and then I texted about meeting up a few weeks ago and no reply, so the ball is most definitely in his court. We were e-mailing back and forth regularly until about January when he stopped replying, but I thought that was understandable, as he was preparing for the baby. I'd have expected at least some contact by now. There was a very nasty girl in the place I used to work spreading horrible rumours about me and badmouthing me to other people, so part of me wonders if she's told him something? I suppose I'm wary of asking directly because it may come across as self-centered and needy at a time when he probably does have a lot on his plate. His wife (who I didn't know nearly as well) does respond to comments and stuff I post on FB and invited us to the kid's christening (even though she knows we can't go), which makes me think things must be grand, but who knows.

Sunny Dayz

I might be off track..

But maybe he doesn't feel you have things in common anymore or prehaps he is jealous of you.

He sees that you are abroad with your partner where as he is stuck with night feeds, and dirty nappies. When you are at home you can still go on nights out, hiking etc where as they have to try organise babysitters and are probably exhausted.

Maybe try calling over with a gift for the baby when you are at home next if your attempts to contact him online are not being answered.

Lunni

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

I might be off track..

But maybe he doesn't feel you have things in common anymore or prehaps he is jealous of you.

He sees that you are abroad with your partner where as he is stuck with night feeds, and dirty nappies. When you are at home you can still go on nights out, hiking etc where as they have to try organise babysitters and are probably exhausted.

Maybe try calling over with a gift for the baby when you are at home next if your attempts to contact him online are not being answered.

Could be jealousy. I didn't think so, as he's quite a bit older than us and has had his fun already (lived abroad etc). I think he likes being settled down. I guess maybe he feels that we don't have things in common now we're not working together anymore and he just isn't arsed continuing the friendship. He lives in a different (small, boring) town quite far away, so visiting him is a hassle, but we were prepared to make the effort before we moved abroad. If that's the case, that he doesn't see the point, then there's not much I can do. I did e-mail him a while back and tell him we might end up moving to his town this year because my boyfriend applied for a job there and he said, "Good to hear from you. I'm sad to hear it isn't working out over there as planned, but I'm also selfishly very happy at the thought of you moving here!" so that made me think he saw us as real friends as opposed to work buddies but perhaps not.

RoisinDove

I find that I have to make all the effort with all my friends. Perhaps it's just me but I find people these days more wrapped up in themselves than ever. I don't really buy this whole 'give them a call' thing. It's not hard to answer an e-mail when you have a spare moment. I shouldn't have to ring my friends out of the blue and put them on the spot to make them talk to me.

So many times, I've sent someone a nice e-mail asking how they are, giving my news, etc, for it to go unanswered while the whole time they're sharing silly memes on Facebook and updating their status three times a day with what they're eating/watching/buying. I find it hard to see how that's not a message that I'm just not on their list of priorities.

I've basically just stopped bothering. I felt like a mug remembering people's birthdays, sending cards, sending e-mails, when nobody made the slightest bit of effort with me. I've got a partner, I volunteer with a lovely group of people and have joined a walking group and that's enough for me. I barely ever log onto Facebook and barely use my phone. If any of my 'friends' wants to contact me, they can make the effort with me for once in their lives. I'm much happier now that I have absolutely no expectations of anyone other than my partner.

Sensitive123

Hi what I am going to say will be irrelevant to your situation but just thought I will tel u when I cut contacts with my friends..
First thing, i dont like back biting and I dnt feel like questioning abt it so wil push them away
Second, I will let people take advantage of my nature( like money and soft nature) but when I know I am being exploited too much and as I can't tackle smartly, I give up
Most importantly, If I am offended often because of their actions, I will ignore them the moment I find a strong reason..
That is the reason I have very few good friends

Does he have lot of friends? This might help ease your mind a bit

Lunni

Sensitive123 wrote: »

Hi what I am going to say will be irrelevant to your situation but just thought I will tel u when I cut contacts with my friends..
First thing, i dont like back biting and I dnt feel like questioning abt it so wil push them away

I don't back bite. The problem is this vindictive girl at work (who many people have had a problem with, not just me) who would basically sh*t stir and try to create rifts between friends. If she has done this, I'd hope my friend would ask me about it rather than just believing her. You said you 'don't feel like questioning about it' - does that mean you just believe rumours and gossip and don't give those concerned a chance to clarify?

Second, I will let people take advantage of my nature( like money and soft nature) but when I know I am being exploited too much and as I can't tackle smartly, I give up
Most importantly, If I am offended often because of their actions, I will ignore them the moment I find a strong reason..
That is the reason I have very few good friends

Does he have lot of friends? This might help ease your mind a bit

Well, that seems really childish and passive aggressive. You just cut people off because they offend you? Without them knowing what they did? You just wait until they do it again and then cut them off? That's a horrid way to treat people, IMO. If that IS what my friend is doing, I'd rather not know someone that immature, to be honest. I don't want to bite my tongue around my friends - if I do offend someone, I expect them to either get over it or tell me. Not stew silently, waiting for another imagined slight. That's not friendship!

No, he doesn't have a lot of friends. Most people like him, but he only bothers with people he genuinely likes. He's polite to everyone (generally), but if there was an occasion like a birthday or housewarming, only a few would be invited.

Sensitive123

OP, not everyone has the strength(or whatever u call) to deal with this questioning scenario with everyone...of course if she is my very good friend and I really like her, yes I would clarify..also if what u said is true I.e., not liking ur comment in FB intentionally while liking everyone else comments, v can label that act also childish.. I am very sure whatever I said is irrelevant to your question, however just wanted to tell u that there are all sorts of people around who wont deal their friends like others and end up having less good friends..honestly I don't support my actions but just told u tht so u will get a view tht it is more of his problem than yours..and I think u got that view now

Zillah

Ask the wife. I'm gonna wager that someone convinced him you back stabbed him or did something nasty. Something along the lines of; he's been acting very weird lately and maybe he's just very busy, and that's fine, but you're a little worried and does she have any idea if anything is wrong?