I've become a horrible person

LegacyUser

Like the title says, Ive just realised Ive become a horrible person. I am like the girl that boyfriends post about, saying how they are treating him horribly for no reason, and everyone tells him to leave her that she is no good for him. I am even one of these! But now tables have turned and I am the horrible, should-be-dumped girlfriend.

Im a female in my mid 20s, have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years now. Very happily in love, great relationship, and I'm very secure in it, in that I know he loves me and sees a life together for us - he tells me this all the time.

Due to a late night admission last night that my boyfriend feels like he is walking on eggshells around me I've had to face up I've been having some serious self esteem issues lately.

My boyfriend is a gym buff and has the "perfect body". He doesnt ever really rub this in my face but he is definitely cocky. I, on the other hand, am pretty normal. A small bit of weight, like to always wear make up, all round an average girl. Over the last couple of months, I have become obsessed with how he thinks of me from an attractiveness point of view, to the extent Im losing sleep worrying if I can still turn him on (even though we have a healthly sex life). I cant bear to pass other people on the street who are good looking because I feel I cant live up. Yesterday took the biscuit when I hid the local paper before he could read it because there was a model on the front!

I've realised now that I've been so narky to him over little tiny insignificant (to him) comments. Him telling me my friend is looking really great since she lost some weight caused a day long fight.

This is taking over my mind. Last night's tear fest, and realisation that I've pushed my lovely amazing boyfriend to the brink has given me such a slap across the face. Problem is I just dont know how to get rid of this low self esteem and get back to me, the bubbly happy girl I was a few months ago!! Please, if anyone has some advice, I'd be eternally grateful.

P. Breathnach

Tell him what you have just told us.

judgefudge

I would also suggest telling him. And maybe some sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which can be useful in stopping negative thought patterns. Often we can have destructve negative thoughts that are attached to feelings of insecurity, rather than facts. when youre feeling insecure, focus on the facts, your boyfriend obviously loves you and you have a healthy sex life. Your feelings of inadequacy are unfounded and destructive.

Katgurl

i think weight is a very emotive issue for lots of girls and men don't tend a) understand this or b) to notice it to the same detail as we do. However when guys are very into fitness, they will admire weightloss or body change from a commitment point of view. he probably feels so good post-workout, he wishes everyone should experience that high & that's why he was so enthused about your friend's body makeover and impressed with the work she would have had to do to get there.

I have been where you are in the past and it's a horrible feeling. I really really had appalling self-esteem at one stage in a previous relationship, would be traumatised by other girls figures, tormenting myself. It is something you have to commit to stopping because it's no way to live, i was driving myself crazy and thinking i was hideous - i look at pics of myself from that period now and wonder what was wrong with me, i looked great.

That self-esteem was a symptom of the relationship I was in at the time, he preyed on my insecurities and belittled me. I am not suggesting this is the case here at all but do try to figure it out and deal with whatever is behind it. I guarantee you its nothing to do with your actual appearance.

I'm now dating a guy who is probably like your boyfriend in terms of health & fitness. We talk about fitness, diet all the time because its an interest of mine too - he gives me really good tips & i've never felt that any weightloss advice suggests he doesn't find me hot, he is just passionate on the topic. Weirdly, when we talk about it, it feels a separate discussion to how he thinks i should look, i never feel he doesn't find me hot. (Have you ever sat in a sauna and listened to blokes discussing training sessions, diets, bulking, cutting etc? Its a hobby or a passion, they are not criticising each other.) But if I hadn't worked on my self-esteem prior to meeting him I would never be able to have these conversations with him, i would have been devastated at any suggestion i should workout in a different manner, probably tearfully thinking him wanting me to change my body meant he found me unattractive and worthless in my current shape. It sounds ridiculous but that is how I felt.

The truth is I love finding out more about diet, I love working out, I love feeling good about myself... and he does too.

On an aside - why don't you start going to the gym with your boyfriend? Not to solve your issues or necessarily change yourself (i truly believe you need to change your attitude as a priority) but you will find you really enjoy it, have fun hanging out together and as a bonus feel more confident with your own body.