Am I doing right or wrong?

noah45

Just looking for views on this please

Many, many years ago my parents fell out with every relation my father had and from then on there was no contact. I was 6 at the time and have many fond memories of some of those relatives. Grew up without contact with any of my fathers family after the age of 6.

I made contact with one relative in particular who was very good to me and of whom I have lovely memories.

He told me his side of the story which really paints my parents in a negative way. Now I know that there are 2 sides to every story, but a lot of what he said makes sense. My parents told me very little about it except to blame it on others.

I feel now that I do have a right to have a relationship with this person and their family without hurting my father. Also even though I am disgusted by my parents actions all those years ago, I feel that what happened is none of my business.

What are peoples views on what I am doing i.e. being in contact with someone my parents don't get on with? Am I being disloyal to my parents?

Lorna123

Well, I would not side with this relative over my parents. What you could do would be talk to your parents about it again and see how their version of events adds up. It is only natural for this relative to see things his way and paint your parents as the bad guys. I don't think I would like to hear someone criticizing my parents like that and then siding with them against them. I kind of feel this is wrong. Is there any way that you could bring them together again ?

username123

I empathise with you. My father fell out with pretty much his entire family and had it painted to us kids as them being evil while we were growing up. Later in life I heard the other side of the story which painted my father in a very negative light. The truth probably lay somewhere in between but having had first hand experience of my fathers failings as an individual (he is dead now) I must say I am more inclined to believe the relations versions of events.

Anyway, I never yearned for a relationship with them.

If I were you I would be asking myself why you want a relationship with people you only knew when you were a very small child. You dont "know" these people. Are you lacking somehow in your interpersonal relationships that you feel the need to reach out to strangers who are only connected to you through dna and not through any kind of actual relationship? Childhood memories up to age 6 would be very sketchy and not representative of the people themselves. They were being nice to a child. Now you are an adult. I wonder why the relation felt the need to besmirch your parents name to you, their child? Seems like a not very nice thing.

Just as a basic observation - I would have had no problem being in touch with someone my parents disapproved of - but I disapproved of my parents so its probably not quite the same! But as an adult you are entitled to be friends with whoever you choose. I suppose I would say, tread carefully, you dont want to be used as a pawn in an old argument.
Past events are best left in the past, particularly when they are nothing to do with you.

noah45

I feel that the pieces fit together and I have always felt that my parents were somewhat to blame. I feel that my parents were not so nice in what they did.

After that I dont know

Rachiee

I think you have a right to have a relationship with your relatives but you need to be carefulas your parents may see it as an act of betrayal. Id explain to them you would like to get back in touch with that side of the family and give them a chance to explain what they believe happened and express any feelings of why you shouldnt. Ultimately though its their argument its got nothing to do with you and your relative is your family too. I dont think there is anything strange about wanting to have a relationship with any family member regardless of how long its been since you saw them.

Big Bag of Chips

You were 6 at the time, so can't really understand what happened. Your parents may have been wrong.. but they probably had good reason, in their minds, to do/say whatever happened.

You should be able to have a relationship with your relatives, independent of your parents.

But... If you want to have a relationship with your relatives, and maintain a relationship with your parents, you should not be drawn into discussion about the argument, or should not bring it up with your relatives. You were 6.. it's nothing to do with you and nothing you need to know about. If you get into discussion about it you may be, unintentionally, forced to take sides.

So let both sides know, that the disagreement is nothing to do with you, and you don't want to be involved.

And don't try force a reconciliation. They are all adults, and know where to find each other if they want to.

mashedbanana

I experienced the same thing. My mother (who would fight with her own shadow, & is noted for it) fell out with all my dads family. Every single last one of them. Dad being placid, went along with it, for peace and quiet. It was always other peoples fault...ALWAYS. We grew up never ever knowing any of our 1st cousins. This was a lonely existence for us. When our parents would fall out with people, we would be expected to fall out with them too, as a sign of loyalty. Still to this day if she gets wind of us having casual chats with our first cousins, she loses the plot! Cos they all fell out, us kids lost out.

we are all on this planet for only a short time, so what's all the bickering always about? It baffles me, and very selfish of any parent to expect that sort of loyalty. You go do what ever feels right for you OP, and speak as you find. :-)

noah45

Mashedbanana I could have written that, every word of it

Runaway34

It could also be as simple as maintain an open relationship with this relative on the basis that you don't discuss your parents and what happened in te past! Also inform your parents of this contact and inform them the same no discussions of this relative etc...... Surely this will be Win/win ?

aSligoDub

noah45 wrote: »

Mashedbanana I could have written that, every word of it

What age are you? If under 16, i'd go with the house rules.. But if you're living your own life, i'd get in touch.. Your parents fights are not your fights.

Not their concern who you are in contact with..

jdsk2006

Op your parents almost certainly didn't take the solo option for no good reason. Its all appropriate that estranged relatives would attempt to defamate your parents character, after all your parents felt these people are more drama than is necessary in their lives at the time of the falling out -not a good look for your relatives! Them now trying to twist your mind is probably the best barameter you have to judge them on. Your parents reared you and undoubtedly love you, and parents sometimes have to make tough decisions to prevent their kids exposure to stuff they deem unsuitable for them........be it a tv programme, the influence of a friend, or a sort of behavior. Regardless of anything, you were only six, a child. You have no way of giing back in time to observe the interpersonal relationships of all the family members involved, your parents may indeed have been loose canons and caused huge drama and hurt, just as easily your dad may have been used as an emotional punchbag/scapegoat for a very dysfunctional family. You just don't know op. I would place a sizeable wager that your opening of pandoras box could pissibly kickstart another blow up and bring much hurt to your parents so thread carefully op.

Taltos

If they start quizzing you on it can I suggest you just use one line and stick to it no matter how irate they get: "sorry but I don't discuss you with them so I am going to afford them the same grace."

It's a difficult situation to be in just don't let yourself get caught or dragged into the middle.

noah45

aSligoDub wrote: »

What age are you? If under 16, i'd go with the house rules.. But if you're living your own life, i'd get in touch.. Your parents fights are not your fights.

Not their concern who you are in contact with..

I'm 47!!

mashedbanana

Your 47? Oh well..... 'Tis about time you did your own thing. I see a previous poster said something along the lines of 'your parents didn't stop talking to someone just for no reason' and tbh, ya, that sounds very plausible, to a normal family. But if your folks are anything like mine, then normal just doesn't come into it! Over exaggerating, overly sensitive, overly moody & crabby, would be more fitting. What I noticed about my own lot, 'twas easier to fall out with people then it was to entertain/associate/have to deal with them. It was easier to not talk, then make the effort & it didn't matter who it was! sisters, brother, anyone! Then when we grew up, we had to learn new social skills! Cos we didn't have a clue how to address people, or how to talk to people in general.

noah45

noah45 wrote: »

He told me his side of the story which really paints my parents in a negative way. Now I know that there are 2 sides to every story, but a lot of what he said makes sense. My parents told me very little about it except to blame it on others.

If that person was interested in having a relationship with you.
Why would they bring up a 40 year old argument, and try to drag you onside.
I think your parents did the right thing, by keeping you out of it.
You were only 6.
However if you are going to judge them, for the incident.
I think it is only fair that you ask them for their own side.

P. Breathnach

There are many families where there are deep rifts.

If you want to maintain good relationships with people who do not get on with one another, I think it is best not to discuss with them the things that divide them, and to hold back on making any judgements.

mashedbanana

You are getting a lot of great advice. I would agree with not particularly discussing the in's & out's of it all with your mam & dad. For something that happened years upon years ago, their memory of the situation might not be 100% clear (accidently on purpose....if ya know what I mean!) They are convinced they are in the right, and 'that's the end of it'! But all this went on 40 odd years ago. Time & life has educated me enough to know, it's pointless holding grudges. Keeping hold of past hurts, and for what? What good does it all do? In a 100 years time, we will all be long forgotten. Your a big boy now OP! Use your own judgment, and keep your powder dry.

ash23

Ah family politics. My mothers family don't talk to my father. That's going on 30+ years. Two of my sisters don't speak. That's been going on for 10 years. One of my uncles fell out with everyone 5 years ago. I talk to everyone and make it clear when there is any giving out going on that I don't want to get involved.

It's been working fine for years. I'm an adult and I make my own choices. What went on between other people years ago is of no concern to me.

OP, have a relationship with your extended family but tell them you won't hear a word against your parents. And tell your parents you want to be in touch with your extended family and won't be getting drawn into a discussion on it.

Defiler Of The Coffin

I've got a good network of cousins and extended family and I'm much the better person for it! I wouldn't let any family disputes not involving me to get in the way.

You get in touch with them OP if you want but be sensitive to both sides. There's no reason why your parents' pride and stubbornness should prevent you from living your life as how you see fit.