an ex from years back still causing friction

Egan2012

Ok guys long story,
Maybe about 7 years ago I used to have a thing going with a woman. It wasn't a realationship but if we ended up bumping
Into each other on a night out we would end up with each other. I moved away then and it all stopped. We hadn't seen each other in 2 or 3 years. I met my current partner and we decided to move back to my home town. Now we are together nearly 4 years now and have 2 kids. a couple of years back that ex of mine sent me a message on facebook saying long time no see and it was great to see me back in town. I didn't even see her. She drove by me in town or something. Anyway I just message back saying yeah back in town now. My partner is settling in as she is not local and we had a child on the way. That was it. We havnt spoke since.
One day my partner was on my facebook account and saw the message. She. Asked who it was and I told her. She went mad. Anyway I promised her I hadn't talked ti her since. Ever since that if we had an argument she would bring her up and throw it in my face. I was checking my emails one day and it came up saying I confirmed this certain person as a friend and was sending public messages to her. My Mrs went off the wall accusing me of all sorts. I put it down to my account been hacked. I shut the hole thing down. I set up a new account with a new password and everything after that. About 3 months later we had a argument as couples do. Same Craic again she threw the whole ex thing in my face and sure enough there was messages sent off my account again to this person. I was suspicious then. So I set up another new account and had it set up to my phone. We went on a day out with the kids one Saturday and had a great day. We had a couple of drunks that night. My partner asked if she could check her facebook on my phone. We had a good few drinks at this stage. I got up the following morning and checked my emails and lone behold my ex confirmed me as a friend. I checked the data and the request was sent from my account at the time she had my phone. I gave her the cold shoulder the following morning just to get her reaction. She was sussing me out. She knew then I knew what was going on. She kept saying what was the matter ababe. Was it her all the time? I never confronted her about it but it still plays on my mind. Should I have said something?

ABajaninCork

Well, yes. I most definitely would! Your partner is insecure. And childish enough to send fake messages from your account in order to provoke a reaction. I would ask her why she's doing this.

Egan2012

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Well, yes. I most definitely would! Your partner is insecure. And childish enough to send fake messages from your account in order to provoke a reaction. I would ask her why she's doing this.

I don't know why she has done it. There has been a lot of stuff happening the last few years and to be honest I don't know if I should be saying it but I am starting to think she could have been be hind them.

daisybelle2008

Your ex from years back isn't causing any friction. Your wife is being immature, jealous and sneaky. I would not only say something but let her know you will not tolerate it.

ABajaninCork

Egan2012 wrote: »

I don't know why she has done it. There has been a lot of stuff happening the last few years and to be honest I don't know if I should be saying it but I am starting to think she could have been be hind them.

Only one thing to do. ASK!! Why are you frightened to do so?

Egan2012

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Your ex from years back isn't causing any friction. Your wife is being immature, jealous and sneaky. I would not only say something but let her know you will not tolerate it.

I didn't mean to blame my ex in the heading. For this. Sorry. Should have labelled it something else. It still rolls around my head about it and as I said I am starting to think she was behind some other stuff. I hated even thinking she could have done it but my facebook account proved it.

Egan2012

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Only one thing to do. ASK!! Why are you frightened to do so?

I just don't want to lose any relationship with my kids. I am with them everyday and don't want to change that.

daisybelle2008

Egan2012 wrote: »

I just don't want to lose any relationship with my kids. I am with them everyday and don't want to change that.

Slow down OP, you started about an ex causing problems and are now jumping to splitsville. You really need to have a full long discussion with your partner.
If she is jealous and trying to get your attention, maybe that is something ye can work on. But full frank honest conversation about what the issues are and work together to resolve them. Is there love and affection in yer relationship? Is there a basis to work on?

ABajaninCork

Egan2012 wrote: »

I just don't want to lose any relationship with my kids. I am with them everyday and don't want to change that.

Why do you think you'll lose the relationship with the kids?

The only alternative I can see is to let your partner walk all over you as she's doing if you don't want to ask her about what she's doing and why.

There seems to be no communication between you, other than manipulation and secrecy broken up by rows, and other stuff you think your partner's done. Can't be good for the kids. I would suggest some sort of counselling TBH if you want to keep this relationship going.

Egan2012

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Slow down OP, you started about an ex causing problems and are now jumping to splitsville. You really need to have a full long discussion with your partner.
If she is jealous and trying to get your attention, maybe that is something ye can work on. But full frank honest conversation about what the issues are and work together to resolve them. Is there love and affection in yer relationship? Is there a basis to work on?

I love her with all my heart but can you trust someone that would do that? Why do it? It's not from the lack of attention. I bend over backward for her.

seenitall

Egan2012 wrote: »

I just don't want to lose any relationship with my kids. I am with them everyday and don't want to change that.

Hi OP,

I have to say what your girlfriend has been up to is PSYCHO territory in my view, being that manipulative and playing a destructive mind-game, it seems she sickeningly enjoys having something (fabricated by herself) over you. I mean, I got goosebumps reading your posts - reads like a noir thriller that ends very badly for the "fall guy", rather than real life.

What you wrote above confirms the opinion I'm forming of your relationship - every relationship has a power balance and yours seems to be decidedly twisted to her side, and I'm not surprised if this is how she likes to keep you where she wants you, but also OP, you have been facilitating this behaviour.

If you think she's got you over a barrel, she really will do. Not otherwise.

Don't let her get away with pulling stunts like that, OP. Call her out on it and let her hit the roof, but DO NOT allow yourself to be steam-rolled any longer. It could maybe, just maybe, be the only way to save the relationship and transform it into something remotely balanced and healthy.

OP, get some self-respect for your children's sake too.

Taltos

Your OH definitely has some major trust issues whatever the cause.

You have a few options.
1. Keep your head down - over time her behaviour will probably get worse, a lot worse.
2. Challenge her - big fight, who knows you might end up splitting
3. Talk to her - let her know you know what has been going on. You are there for her but you need her to talk to someone, either together or as a couple. While you care and love her you will no longer tolerate her telling you who you can and can't talk to. Irrespective though all of her games have to stop immediately. Whatever else is going on you both (stress that) have to put the children first here and ensure they have a carefree loving home.

Splitting up - that to me is only a last resort if you see no change - but not something I would even be considering now. Clearly your OH is a manipulator - so figure out what it is you want before you even start the talk and stick to your guns. Respect goes a long way but it has to be earned, just like trust.

Merkin

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have to say what your girlfriend has been up to is PSYCHO territory in my view.

I echo the above.Your partner is behaving like an out of control nutjob.

I'd be having harsh words with her, her behaviour is totally unacceptable.

What other odd instances that you mention in your post do you suspect she is also responsible for OP?

Big Bag of Chips

She's not only messing with your head.. she's also messing with this other girl. Do you know what was in the messages she sent to her? Was she sending flirty type messages to see would she respond? Is that girl now walking around, feeling very uncomfortable, thinking you are a scumbag for being in a relationship, have 2 kids, and still chasing her? That you keep shutting down accounts, and opening new ones for some strange reason?

You HAVE to say something?
Just ask her what was she thinking? What did she hope to achieve?
What did she think would happen?

She obviously has very bad insecurities... Ignoring it, isn't going to solve them. She needs to try sort them out, and you need to stop ignoring her crazy behaviour.

kylith

Ask your partner straight out what she is playing at. Don't beat about the bush, you need to get this out in the open. I'd also recommend that ye seek couple's therapy.

Egan2012

Merkin wrote: »

I echo the above.Your partner is behaving like an out of control nutjob.

I'd be having harsh words with her, her behaviour is totally unacceptable.

What other odd instances that you mention in your post do you suspect she is also responsible for OP?

Hi there one of the other things that happened was when we started going out with each other I worked up the country and used to travel to see her at the weekends. It is a messy one. She was married before and has kids from that marriage which they are living with us as well I love them as my own. Anyway she decided she wanted to move away from her home town and move to where I was working. It was a massive step because we would have been up routing the kids with school and all that. We talked about it and said we would see over time. Then shortly after that when I was away at work she started getting letters in the post with porn pictures out of mags and saying she was a tramp and a slapper and all that kind of stuff.
This went on for a few months. All different types of letters. She was blaming her ex in laws because a lot of stuff went on there.
God forgive me for thinking it but when all this thing on Facebook came about it crossed my mind could she have sent them to herself.
Another is I went out for a couple of drinks one night and a mate of mine called me and asked if myself and the missus had a a falling out. I said no why? He said she was putting up status on Facebook saying it's a man's life and all this Craic. I got home at 11 that night and said I was over reacting. She was shocked though because she thought it was only her friends that saw it.

Taltos

Even more important you both sort this out asap - be as open but non-judgemental as possible.

However - with all of the above and what is happening now I would be starting to consider if the relationship was really worth the hassle and stress it is bringing to you...

Egan2012

Taltos wrote: »

Even more important you both sort this out asap - be as open but non-judgemental as possible.

However - with all of the above and what is happening now I would be starting to consider if the relationship was really worth the hassle and stress it is bringing to you...

Thats what I have been thinking since all
This thing on facebook. When I didn't know it was her I was determined to make things work as I thought the letters were down to her ex husbands family. But now I'm thinking was them or did she send them herself so we would move. All these doubts are inbmy head now. If I ask her how do I know she is telling me the truth.

Taltos

See that to me is the crux - without trust everything else is harder.
This is where couples counselling can help - it can help reopen communication and provide you both with the tools to rebuild that trust. However, it is not a magic pill - unless you can both 100% commit to it and each other it won't work...

She has already proven herself to be devious and manipulative. Only you can tell if these aspects of her can be controlled and reduced or if she will always be like that. Clearly she has some personal issues and with help she can deal with those - but just like above, she has to want to do this, being forced by you with a threat of the end won't work. Just wondering if her last relationship broke up due to a similar behaviour or if this is all a result of what happened there. Unfortunately you have no way of knowing as until or if she works on this how can you know the truth of anything she tells you.

Look - don't rush into a decision. Take some time to think things through. Ideally if you can get away for a day or two just to get your own space that would be great - if not just take a long walk and sit down somewhere quiet to gather your thoughts or talk it through with someone you trust 100% to stay quiet on this now and forever. The last thing you need is some mate blubbing all your details after a few drinks some night...

P. Breathnach

You have come here with what you see as your problem.

It looks to me that your problem is that she has a profound problem. I suspect that it is rooted in insecurity, a level of insecurity that is extreme, and manifests itself in bizarre behaviour. She is the one that really needs help.

You need her to recognise that, and to get appropriate professional help. I think you should confront her, but not in an aggressive or intimidatory way. You should tell her that what she is doing is damaging to your relationship, and that she needs to stop it; in order to stop it, she needs to deal with the feelings that give rise to her actions; she might be helped in that by a counsellor.

judgefudge

I don't know how you could sit back and not say something OP... To know that your partner thinks they should/could manipulate you like that... It's just so disrespectful.

I don't know if the relationship could be saved but I'd imagine the only way would be with a lot of counselling.

I know you're worried about where you'll stand with your kids, and its a legitimate worry, but you can't stay with someone so manipulative just because of it

Corvo

Honestly OP, I would keep a record of all this stuff because imagine that you do break up? Imagine the lengths she might go to to either destroy you or make sure you never see the kids?

Egan2012

Well guys thanks for all the posts. I have made my mind up I'm going to ask her about it. I don't know if I will get the truth about it but it has to be brought up. I will let you know how things go.

Merkin

Egan2012 wrote: »

Well guys thanks for all the posts. I have made my mind up I'm going to ask her about it. I don't know if I will get the truth about it but it has to be brought up. I will let you know how things go.

Yes, please do.She doesn't fundamentally sound very well tbh.Not for a moment invoking amateur diagnostics here but there are a whole host of personality disorders that include crazy carry on such as you've mentioned.I do think you need to sit down and talk to her asap.

ShaShaBear

Honestly, she can't be well... at what point would she think that you would wonder why messages were being sent using your account when you weren't using it? You know you didn't send them, SHE knows you know you didn't send them...! Did she think you'd start to believe you DID send them or something?

Egan2012

What was happening was she would confront me and say what are you doing sending messages to her. I wood be standing there saying what are youon about. Then I would have to convince her u didn't send them. Now I know she sent them I feel like a plank to be honest

ABajaninCork

No, OP. You're not a plank. You seem like a nice guy who wants to believe the best of his partner. That's all. But you DO need to speak to her and get to the bottom of this. Like I said earlier - if you want to keep the relationship going, then you HAVE to confront her and go to counselling.

I wish you the very best of luck. I have a feeling you're going to need it.

Kidchameleon

Sounds to me like she was trying to get caught. Sending messages on your phone on your FB account, like a big cry for attention.

DeltaWhite

Show her this thread and see what she says! That behaviour in a relationship is not acceptable, ever. She's bringing major drama to your life and this woman is a mother, she needs to grow up and act like an adult.