Friend blowing hot and cold

RoisinDove

Not a very serious problem, but still...

I spent some time working abroad and am now back at my old workplace. Both myself and my OH work there, but that's not really an issue. It's a language school type place, so we see very little of each other and are sometimes in different buildings or on different floors. Anyway, there's a guy there who we're both friends with who seems to blow hot and cold all the time and it's starting to bug me (my bf isn't as bothered). I have no idea where I stand with him. He's always telling us how much he likes us and how he missed us when we were away but then most times we text him to do something, he doesn't bother replying. We often go to the pub together along with loads of other colleagues and sometimes he's really friendly to me to the point of flirting and other times really cold. Sometimes he lets on that he really likes me and says he loves my sense of humour etc and other times I get the feeling he finds me irritating and is looking down on me a bit. A few weeks ago he was so unfriendly to me that I gathered that he just didn't want to be friends anymore, then the next week he sent an invite for me and the OH to go to a gathering at he and his wife's house with only a few really close friends. Sometimes he seems to treat us as close friends, sometimes as work colleagues or acquaintances and sometimes he just doesn't bother at all. Is this weird?

Esoteric_

Yes, it's weird.

Next time he's cold with you, why don't you ask him what's wrong? 'Dave, have I done something wrong? You've been off with me all day, and I don't want us to be tip-toeing around each other. What's up?'

Or, you could distance yourself from him, but I do think you should just subtly call him out on it each time he's cold with you, first.

RoisinDove

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Yes, it's weird.

Next time he's cold with you, why don't you ask him what's wrong? 'Dave, have I done something wrong? You've been off with me all day, and I don't want us to be tip-toeing around each other. What's up?'

Or, you could distance yourself from him, but I do think you should just subtly call him out on it each time he's cold with you, first.

I think it would come across as a bit needy if I did that. I do wonder if he's playing some sort of game, even unintentionally. I notice that if I don't drop into him or if I'm not as friendly for a few days, he's suddenly really friendly again. Odd.

Chucky the tree

Just wondering, why do you care? If I was you I just be polite and friendly to him in work and leave it at that. I wouldn't waste my time texting him outside of work hours or meet up with him outside of that.

RoisinDove

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Just wondering, why do you care? If I was you I just be polite and friendly to him in work and leave it at that. I wouldn't waste my time texting him outside of work hours or meet up with him outside of that.

Cos I do get on with him really well (generally) and we've put quite a lot of time into this friendship, it would be a shame just to let it fizzle into nothing.

Merkin

I don't know why you wouldn't just say it. It's not being needy, it's being assertive and getting to the root of the issue.

If a friend was acting like this with me I'd call them on it and ask them what's going on. He's either just flaky and would be horrified at the thought of hurting you or he's a passive aggressive numpty who won't like being taken to task one bit. Either way you'll soon know rather than seething about it and wondering where you stand.

RoisinDove

Merkin wrote: »

I don't know why you wouldn't just say it. It's not being needy, it's being assertive and getting to the root of the issue.

If a friend was acting like this with me I'd call them on it and ask them what's going on. He's either just flaky and would be horrified at the thought of hurting you or he's a passive aggressive numpty who won't like being taken to task one bit. Either way you'll soon know rather than seething about it and wondering where you stand.

Someone else at work called me needy a while back and it stung (don't really think it's true, I'm just a bit anxious) and also my boyfriend doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. He's noticed the hot and cold thing but just takes no notice of it and assumes everything is fine and he loves us, which is why I wondered if I was just being a bit sensitive. I think it might be personal/work stuff and nothing to do with us particularly and I thought it might come across a bit arrogant, like 'are you upset/cold because of me?'

Queen-Mise

Take no notice of the hot and cold part OP. When he is being friendly it is genuine.

He mightn't be in great form at other times and doesn't have the energy for friendships and chatting.

Next time you meet him when he is in good form ask him about how to deal with him when he is being cold. Do you just chat, say hi and move on.

I presume your fear is that it is personal to you, and you could ask him if your are brave enough Do it when he is in good form though.

MadMardegan

Maybe he has personal things going on that you're not aware of?
If that was me I would just leave the ball in his court, if he makes the effort then great but if he doesn't then it's obviously not something worth getting upset over.
I wouldn't bring it up, it could make things awkward for both of you.

Stavro Mueller

You're reading too much into this IMHO. I worked with a man who was quite like this. One day he'd be all chat and be great company altogether. Then the next day it could be like he was a totally different person. He'd barely look at anyone, didn't have a lot to say and kept to himself. Nobody took it personally because that was the way the guy was. We just engaged with him and enjoyed him when he was happy and left him in peace when he wasn't in good form. His neighbours were well used to this as well. Probably his wife too.

It might be that this guy has some sort of mental health issue and that is causing his up and down moods. That's only a guess of course but it's something you might take into consideration. If you look around, it is likely that other people are also aware of this guy's hot and cold behaviour. It's not something to take personally. Either accept that this is the way he is and work around it. Or just quietly distance yourself from him.

car.kar

I think you are taking this hot and cold thing as personal to you, which is why it's bothering you. It would annoy me too if it was only me that he was behaving like that around, but if your boyfriend has noticed also, he's probably like that with everyone. I would do as your boyfriend is doing and just ignore it. When he's friendly - great! When he's not - screw it, just be polite and continue with your work. Some people are just odd!

Forever Hopeful

Op,

This is coming from the best possible place but stop being so needy. I've seen your previous posts and in fairness even though you do value friendships, you come across as a lot of work. You will continue to have 'friendship' issues if you don't change your outlook. Your boyfriend has the right attitude because he knows its not about him. Expect more from yourself than you do others.
This is probably just this guy's personality. I know there are days I have zero interest in talking to people, that's just me, nothing to do with anyone else.
Sorry if this is harsh but stop wasting your energy and go with the flow.