Girlfriend Adopted

dexter2

Hi all,

Just wondering if i might be able to get some opinions please!

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years. She is adopted and has never looked for her birth parents nor does she intend to. When she told me this I got the impression that she felt a bit uncomfortable talking about it so I didn't ask too much.

In the past 5 years, around her birthday she has mentioned the date as being significant in relation to being adopted but again as I felt she was uncomfortable talking about it I didn't ask for any details.

Last night she told me that she feels really embarrassed about being adopted. We were interrupted before the conversation could go any further and she also had a few drinks on her so I didn't think it was the time or place to discuss it! She has serious issues around confidence, self worth, sex and stress that I'm thinking are maybe related to this feeling of embarrassment? Before I met her I know she also had suicidal thoughts related to stress.

Could anyone shed any light or share a similar experience?

Many thanks

The_Conductor

Many adopted people are embarrassed about being adopted. From an early age many of us were made feel different, and not in a good way. Society viewed children born out of wedlock as a problem that needed to be solved- and people who adopted children, as rescuing the children- one of the biggest adoption agencies was called the Catholic Rescue Society (now Cunamh). Some adopted people were probably told imagined stories about our birthmothers- and our minds may have run riot about the possibilities.

Many of us have probably thought about the circumstances our mothers gave us up in, and indeed- whether we were actually loved.

Society has traditionally viewed adopted people as having been rescued by adoptive parents, and how we would be ungrateful to go looking for our birthparents- somehow it would be a breach of our loyalties to our adoptive parents.

I'm only speculating, albeit from the perspective of an adopted person who has had many of the issues your girlfriend has had- we are all different people though.

When I a little older I found reading some books on adoption in both an Irish context and also the psychology of adoption, helpful to coming terms with being adopted.

June Goulding wrote a very good book, called 'The Light in the Window' about her time as a midwife in the mothers and baby home in Bessboro in Cork. Betty Jean Lifton wrote about her journey of acceptance of being adopted in her book 'Journey Of The Adopted Self: A Quest For Wholeness' (it is quite American in how its written, but its actually very very good).

Barnados used to do group sessions which had both birth parents in them, along with adoptive people- which were very helpful for getting an understanding of how adoption has affected birthparents (for adoptive people) or vice versa for birthparents.

Your girlfriend does sound like she could do with some help- however she has to come to that conclusion herself- the best thing you can do for her is be there for her, and if she would like to talk to someone, be a good listener for her and try to understand why she may feel the way she feels- without trying to steer her in any particular direction, or being judgemental- there are probably plenty of people who've been judgemental towards her in the past, which is why she feels as she now does........

The very best of good luck to you and your girlfriend,

Shane

CathyMoran

I can relate OP - my husband is smccarrick above and I found that listening when they want to talk and understanding that their birthday may be hard on them helps.

Asbury Park

Hi OP, I would agree with Shane that many adopted people have feelings of shame arising from having been adopted. I was adopted and because it was always open and stated I don’t have any shame but there have been occasions where I have heard 2nd hand of people’s opinions of me based on the fact that I was adopted (how I’m naturally screwed up etc). Those opinions have never bothered me because I’m not ashamed of who I am. However, if an adopted person has been made to feel generally uncomfortable about being adopted, someone having a dig at them can be seriously damaging to their sense of self-worth.

So perhaps your girlfriend does feel ashamed because of her adoption and if so, it might be good for her to seek help through counselling. Irish society is, like most societies, very conformist and, unlike some other societies, some members of older generations in particular are sexually repressed. Hence, the notion of a child born out of wedlock would disgust them. But it would be incorrect, in my opinion, at this stage to automatically assume that her feelings of inadequacy arise from her adoption alone. An initial feeling of shame can be reinforced by subsequent feelings of shame or inadequacy, for whatever reason, leading to a spiral. There are times when everyone feels inadequate but if the person in question has an overarching feeling of inadequacy, what to others may seem a relatively trivial issue to them becomes a crisis of confidence. If she were to undertake counselling, it would be wise to quickly establish whether the counsellor or counselling service is going to go down the path of embedding the adoption as a point of shame, using it as the issue on which to centre her problems, when the real objective should be to move away from that. I wish her and you the best of luck. The best thing you can do is be there for her.

By the way, that your girlfriend doesn’t want to seek her birth parents would not be unusual. I have no intention of ever seeking my birth parents. That she doesn’t want to find her birth parents may be unrelated to the shame she feels.

mood

She might just need to talk to someone about it. Surely after being with her 5 years you should be close enough to bring it up and discuss it with her.

Slutmonkey57b

I would take the opportunity and bring it up yourself, quietly. She has taken a small step publicly by mentioning it at all, but I'm sure it was a big moment for her. She must trust you to open up like that so don't let it sit on her shoulders.

Just find a good bit of private time and space where she'll be comfortable, and say something like "I was thinking about the other night, and I don't think you've got anything to be ashamed of, I love you and if you're ready to talk about it I'll be here."