Husband Aggressive

LegacyUser

Just looking for a bit of advice. Not sure where to start really but my husband has serious anger management issues that are really starting to become an issue for me as he mainly seems to vent at my 2 year old twins.

These issues have arisen in the past but were resolved very well when we did some counseling a few years ago prior to getting married. But since we have had the babies they have started to come up again and I just don’t know how to address the situation.

He will roar at them, curse at them and use a really horrible tone like through gritted teeth, comes across as very threatening. He has never hit them (or me) but he can be too rough with them, like maybe grabbing them too hard by the arm. He gets into this rage and will often throw/ grab anything near him. I have started to fear if one of them gets in the way by accident.

I know he would never intentionally hurt them but seeing him behave this way towards them makes me so devastated. Initially I feel really angry towards him then really upset. It causes huge rows between us and I am starting to really have to consider what to do. I don’t want to break up our family, I am absolutely determined to give my children a good family to be brought up in and would feel like an absolute failure if we split up. But his behavior is making me see him in a different light and im not sure if I feel the same about him anymore.

Obviously we need to talk about this but any time I have tried before he ends up making me feel as if I’m overreacting. I sometimes doubt myself. I worry that nobody would believe me as he is nicer than nice to everyone else.

I’m not perfect & having two two year olds is very hard but I usually manage to keep calm & if I feel myself boiling over I will leave the room. My initial feelings are maybe there is some kind of counseling/ parenting course we could do together? Or am I fooling myself? I want more than anything to keep my family together and to sort this out.

Neyite

As a mother your priority is to keep your children safe. Right now you are failing in that regard. You prefer to have then in an environment with an abusive, agressive, scary adult that they are terrified of because you think its better than being separated. You have your priorities backwards.

You are enabling his behaviour, and with every day that passes, the BOTH of you with these behaviours are damaging your children.

Pack his bags, and tell him to attend anger management and parenting classes. Then, when he wants to be a proper parent, he can come home to nurture and love the children like they deserve.

He is a big man, shouting at little children. Bet you he wouldnt pick on someone his own size.

Seriously, its a no-brainer. Verbal abuse is far worse than physical abuse. Take the steps to keep your children safe from this monster.

Roselm

worryingaway wrote: »

Just looking for a bit of advice. Not sure where to start really but my husband has serious anger management issues that are really starting to become an issue for me as he mainly seems to vent at my 2 year old twins.

These issues have arisen in the past but were resolved very well when we did some counseling a few years ago prior to getting married. But since we have had the babies they have started to come up again and I just don’t know how to address the situation.

He will roar at them, curse at them and use a really horrible tone like through gritted teeth, comes across as very threatening. He has never hit them (or me) but he can be too rough with them, like maybe grabbing them too hard by the arm. He gets into this rage and will often throw/ grab anything near him. I have started to fear if one of them gets in the way by accident.

I know he would never intentionally hurt them but seeing him behave this way towards them makes me so devastated. Initially I feel really angry towards him then really upset. It causes huge rows between us and I am starting to really have to consider what to do. I don’t want to break up our family, I am absolutely determined to give my children a good family to be brought up in and would feel like an absolute failure if we split up. But his behavior is making me see him in a different light and im not sure if I feel the same about him anymore.

Obviously we need to talk about this but any time I have tried before he ends up making me feel as if I’m overreacting. I sometimes doubt myself. I worry that nobody would believe me as he is nicer than nice to everyone else.

I’m not perfect & having two two year olds is very hard but I usually manage to keep calm & if I feel myself boiling over I will leave the room. My initial feelings are maybe there is some kind of counseling/ parenting course we could do together? Or am I fooling myself? I want more than anything to keep my family together and to sort this out.

You poor thing, that's such a difficult situation to be in
My father was much as your husband is when I was growing up. His uncontrolled anger towards me definitely affected me negatively as i grew up. However I would have to disagree with Neyite. My dad was also great in so many other ways and I truly feel my life would have been poorer had he not been there if my mum had asked him to leave. I dont think you can go on as you are though.
Just had a look there and on the Barnardos website there is a "Parenting Course Database" where they have listed courses running around the country. This might be a starting point for you.
Your local health centre should have social workers who may be able to point you in the direction of other courses in your area. Sometimes they even run them.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do x

nikkibikki

I really feel so sad for those babies OP, they don't deserve to be in fear of their Daddy who I'm sure they love to pieces. He needs a kick to sort himself out, for all 4 of you. May I suggest talking to him about this before he next gets angry so that he may be in a more reasonable frame of mind to see things as they are and how this behaviour is effecting the whole house, most especially these 2 precious babies.

username123

worryingaway wrote: »

I know he would never intentionally hurt them but seeing him behave this way towards them makes me so devastated. Initially I feel really angry towards him then really upset. It causes huge rows between us and I am starting to really have to consider what to do. I don’t want to break up our family, I am absolutely determined to give my children a good family to be brought up in and would feel like an absolute failure if we split up. But his behavior is making me see him in a different light and im not sure if I feel the same about him anymore.

This is bs. Being aggressive to children who may then get hurt in the throwing or grabbing too hard crossfire IS doing it intentionally! Its not like someone else is controlling his mind or he is taking mind altering drugs! Its an excuse to say it is not intentional - it is. You ARE enabling him. Think about this, if a stranger came into your home and behaved the way your husband does when he is angry, would you be happy for them to be in your home or would you kick them out and maybe call the guards? Course you would - but you are normalising it with your husband because you dont want to deal with the consequences of the alternative - which is understandable, but there more at stake here than your relationship, now children are being exposed to abusive behaviour.

A good family to be brought up in would be one where you are not exposed to aggression and anger. My father was an alcoholic and could be very aggressive - not usually when he was drunk, he was a happy drunk, but sober he could be a horribly aggressive and bullying individual. He never actually hit (or even grabbed) either myself or my sibling but we lived in absolute fear of his angry behaviour - even if it wasnt directed at us. I can remember lying in bed listening to the shouting going on and being terrified. Its no way for a child to live.

You now worry about your children, and if this is allowed to go on, they will grow up worrying about you. And they will learn that the way to deal with anger is to become aggressive. That the way to deal with annoyances is to become threatening and bullying and to throw things.

I think you are doing a disservice to your children every day you stay in this environment.

deisemum

worryingaway wrote: »

I don’t want to break up our family, I am absolutely determined to give my children a good family to be brought up in and would feel like an absolute failure if we split up.

You don't want to break up your family because you'd feel like an absolute failure if ye split up. You've already failed your children and you'll continue to fail your children and teach them that your husband's abusive behaviour is acceptable and normal and they stand a strong chance of growing up thinking the same.

He's already had counselling and it was only a temporary "success". Even if he has more counselling are you prepared to live with the worry that it's only a temporary "success" until something sets him off.

I feel so sorry for those two little two years olds to have the people who should love and protect them fail them and fail them in such a horrible way.

You've a choice to accept living in that horrible abusive environment, your poor children don't.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I feel for you here, but every day you sit by and do nothing puts your children in danger.

worryingaway wrote: »

But since we have had the babies they have started to come up again and I just don’t know how to address the situation.

You address this the same you you addressed the previous situation. He has to get counselling and help IMMEDIATELY. And like other posters, I think you should give serious consideration to him leaving the family home until such time as he can get to the bottom of his anger, and learn to deal with it.

He will roar at them, curse at them and use a really horrible tone like through gritted teeth, comes across as very threatening. He has never hit them (or me) but he can be too rough with them, like maybe grabbing them too hard by the arm. He gets into this rage and will often throw/ grab anything near him. I have started to fear if one of them gets in the way by accident.

I grew up in a similar situation to this. I'm 35 years old and I'm only now beginning to tackle the damage that growing up in such an unsafe and psychologically damaging situation caused. Your children are growing up afraid of their father, it is unfair on them, and hugely damaging. Educate yourself, look the effects of psychological abuse on children on the internet. The situation you describe is absolutely unacceptable.

I know he would never intentionally hurt them but seeing him behave this way towards them makes me so devastated. Initially I feel really angry towards him then really upset. It causes huge rows between us and I am starting to really have to consider what to do. I don’t want to break up our family, I am absolutely determined to give my children a good family to be brought up in and would feel like an absolute failure if we split up. But his behavior is making me see him in a different light and im not sure if I feel the same about him anymore.

It is your husband who is breaking your family. You can give him a chance, if he decides to get help. His chance comes when he gets help, not when he promises to. His behaviour is obviously irrational. I'm sure he's not too happy about it either. But you need to lay it on the line here. He needs to get help, he needs to actively engage in that process, and he needs to know that you are serious about this. He cannot control himself, and he is already damaging your children. So what if he manages to control it enough to not strike your kids? He's already grabbing them roughly. It will go further. And the psychological scars are much slower to heal.

Obviously we need to talk about this but any time I have tried before he ends up making me feel as if I’m overreacting. I sometimes doubt myself. I worry that nobody would believe me as he is nicer than nice to everyone else.

So he can charm everyone else, yet can't handle himself with his toddlers? I urge you to look up what is considered abusive behaviour. Your husband, by his actions, fits into this category, no matter how nice or calm he is at other times. You know him best. He may hate what he does, but he still does it. He needs counselling, immediately, for his anger issues. You need to communicate this to him clearly. I don't think a parenting course will help initially - I think his issues run far deeper.

Best of luck in your decision. You are responsible for your children, and you must act now.

LegacyUser

I think some people are being unnecessarily judgmental of the OP here. I have been in a similar situation myself and I have a fair idea what she's going through. How can she be failing her children if she's coming on here looking for advice and really considering what the best thing to do is? It's not that easy to just up sticks and leave, not when you have a life and some sort of security. I too have a husband with extreme anger issues and it seriously damaged our relationship. My main concern was of course the children, who are older than the OP's. I've been a constant source of love, calm and peace for them and they are doing very well now. However, their relationship with my husband is strained and there is little love there. All his own doing. Our marriage will never be the same as it was because of the stress and anxiety caused by his anger at everything that goes on around him, stupid things. I'm only sorry that I didn't do something about it years ago. OP, even voicing your concerns here is a sign that you're a loving and caring Mum and you're obviously worried enough to want things to change drastically. One thing you need to know though is that you absolutely won't be failing your children if your marriage ends because of your husband's behaviour, you have to stop thinking like that. I think some of the suggestions here are the right way to go - parenting courses and the like can't do any harm at all. If he's unwilling to even try, you'll have to seriously consider your options. Maybe if you put your cards firmly on the table and tell him that you're seriously considering a life with the children, without him in it, it'll be the shock he needs to spur him into action. If he loves you and the children enough, he'll do whatever it takes.

Esoteric_

You say he'd never hurt his children, but that's a flat out lie.

He already grabs them too hard. Do you know how much it hurts having your arm feel like it's being yanked out of your socket? Imagine a child experiencing that.

He clearly doesn't care if he hurts them, if he's willing to throw things with them in the vicinity.

What he's doing is just one step away from physically attacking you or your children.

You might feel like a failure if you leave, but how much worse will you feel if he throws something that splits your child's head open?

He's abusive, plain and simple. If you're willing to put up with it, that's your choice, but you're failing your children by letting them live in that environment.

ElleEm

worryingaway wrote: »

Just looking for a bit of advice. Not sure where to start really but my husband has serious anger management issues that are really starting to become an issue for me as he mainly seems to vent at my 2 year old twins.


He will roar at them, curse at them and use a really horrible tone like through gritted teeth, comes across as very threatening. He has never hit them (or me) but he can be too rough with them, like maybe grabbing them too hard by the arm. He gets into this rage and will often throw/ grab anything near him. I have started to fear if one of them gets in the way by accident.

Read the words in bold, OP. Your husband is abusing your children. He is physically rough and verbally and emotionally abusive. He is threatening in his behaviour and throws things. This is a completely unsafe environment for them to be in.

You are an adult, and you are choosing to be there, but right now, you are the SOLE protecter of those babies. You may think people are over- reacting here, but I have a background in child protection, and I can assure you that those children need someone keeping them safe. As Deisemum says below, YOU are teaching your kids that screaming and shouting and throwing things and physical agression is okay. Monkey see, moneky do. This is damaging your kids.

deisemum wrote: »

You don't want to break up your family because you'd feel like an absolute failure if ye split up. You've already failed your children and you'll continue to fail your children and teach them that your husband's abusive behaviour is acceptable and normal and they stand a strong chance of growing up thinking the same..

You need to speak with your husband about this calmly, without rowing. There are many family centres around that you can contact, and they can help you both with parenting, or recommend somewhere else to go. He should also go back to his own individual counselling sessions. They may have finished up too early last time, or else he has forgotten the tools he was given to work with.

At this point, I would really be hoping that your kids haven't been damaged too much by this, but it needs to change NOW.

Neyite

Unregistered wrote: »

I think some people are being unnecessarily judgmental of the OP here. I have been in a similar situation myself and I have a fair idea what she's going through. How can she be failing her children if she's coming on here looking for advice and really considering what the best thing to do is? It's not that easy to just up sticks and leave, not when you have a life and some sort of security. I too have a husband with extreme anger issues and it seriously damaged our relationship. My main concern was of course the children, who are older than the OP's. I've been a constant source of love, calm and peace for them and they are doing very well now. However, their relationship with my husband is strained and there is little love there. All his own doing. Our marriage will never be the same as it was because of the stress and anxiety caused by his anger at everything that goes on around him, stupid things. I'm only sorry that I didn't do something about it years ago. OP, even voicing your concerns here is a sign that you're a loving and caring Mum and you're obviously worried enough to want things to change drastically. One thing you need to know though is that you absolutely won't be failing your children if your marriage ends because of your husband's behaviour, you have to stop thinking like that. I think some of the suggestions here are the right way to go - parenting courses and the like can't do any harm at all. If he's unwilling to even try, you'll have to seriously consider your options. Maybe if you put your cards firmly on the table and tell him that you're seriously considering a life with the children, without him in it, it'll be the shock he needs to spur him into action. If he loves you and the children enough, he'll do whatever it takes.

I have been in a mostly verbally abusive relationship, so yes, I do understand the feeling that it is not easy to leave. But, I left when I realised that if I had children with this man, I would end up like the OP, and I knew I could never bring a child into a fearful environment such as that. Now I have my baby I know I made the right decision to walk. Its no environment for a child.

There is a massive longstanding thread on another forum of adults that were damaged by toxic parents, and its nearly always one toxic parent, and one passive one. The passive one can be held responsible by the children when they get older because they wonder why that parent never fully protected them from the rage, the moods, the missiles flung in anger, the walking around on eggshells,

I have no doubt that the OP loves her babies. And I believe that it is this love for them that will spur her on to doing what she needs to protect them. But she wont protect them by sitting at home worrying and pretending to the outside world that its a happy marriage. She can only protect them by removing him from their environment.

Neyite

Op, can I ask you to do one thing? Speak to someone in Womens Aid. Thats all. Just arrange a time to go and meet someone and talk it over.

They will respect your choice if you decide to stay, or if you leave and return. They are non-judgemental and very helpful. I found them a massive support toward the end of my horrible relationship.

Steve O

As someone who's been there, get rid. This will affect them for the rest of their lives.

ABajaninCork

He's a bully. Simple as that. You need to nip this in the bud, OP.

LegacyUser

OP, I read a book over the weekend called "The Examined Life- How we lose and find ourselves" by Stephen Grosz. He works as a psychotherapist in London, and it details the stories of his patients. You'd be surprised how early childhood trauma manifests itself down the line. Your twins may be only 2 years old but your husbands' behaviour will imprint itself on them if you let this continue.

Esoteric_

Neyite wrote: »

I have been in a mostly verbally abusive relationship, so yes, I do understand the feeling that it is not easy to leave. But, I left when I realised that if I had children with this man, I would end up like the OP, and I knew I could never bring a child into a fearful environment such as that. Now I have my baby I know I made the right decision to walk. Its no environment for a child.

There is a massive longstanding thread on another forum of adults that were damaged by toxic parents, and its nearly always one toxic parent, and one passive one. The passive one can be held responsible by the children when they get older because they wonder why that parent never fully protected them from the rage, the moods, the missiles flung in anger, the walking around on eggshells,

I have no doubt that the OP loves her babies. And I believe that it is this love for them that will spur her on to doing what she needs to protect them. But she wont protect them by sitting at home worrying and pretending to the outside world that its a happy marriage. She can only protect them by removing him from their environment.

To add to this - I've also been there, only as a child on the receiving end, with a mother who didn't/wouldn't/couldn't leave. I don't want the OP's babies growing up like I did, and I'm sure she doesn't either.

OP, I'm sure you're probably thinking we're being harsh, but some of us are really speaking from experience here. Please do as Neyite suggested and call Women's Aid. You don't have to make a decision here and now, but they can help you to talk things over and decide what's really best for you and your family.

I wish you the very best of luck. x

Queen-Mise

I would disagree with a lot of the above advice given OP.

There is absolutely no need for the advice given on leaving your husband & packing his bags. This is far from a hopeless situation.
The reason for this, is that before you had kids, there was some anger issues, he went to counselling and sorted them out. Your husband needs to learn how to deal with kids basically.

Kids are experts in pressing your buttons, and getting a parent from zero anger to boiling point in 1.4 seconds (seriously). Kids at times would drive you to insanity, especially when they hit towards the terrible two/three year old stage.

Your husband by the sounds of it, has had no experience of this. Dealing with one child is hard, with two is especially hard. I would surmise, that if this is your husband's default parenting, then this is the parenting he grew up with.

He needs some help to learn how to deal with the button pushing of children.

I would advise OP to stop the arguing with the husband. When you get into the arguing and fighting, you are becoming a part of the problem. And hence it makes it hard for you to say that 'x' is a problem - that leaves the door open to him saying you are over-reacting.

My suggestion is when you see the husband coming close to losing the run of himself, point it out calmly. Will I bring the kids out for half an hour? Do you want to go for a walk? Go for a coffee/see your mam/friend?
Find some way of cooling down the situation.
[There is a massive difference here, between trying to give someone space to calm down & managing an abusive person, just to note].


If that happens once or twice, and then when he does lose the temper. Don't get into the anger pot with him. Then you can point out what happened. Ask him - does he think that behaviour is ok, is it good for the little ones to see it.
Bring it back to yourself - say you hate seeing it and it really upsets you.


I had some very similar situations here with my husband to you OP. My husband was dragged up and not reared, and always had a problem with anger. With counselling, time, some self-awareness & us giving him space. He learned how to deal with it. It is very rare now, we see any of those issues any more - if we do then there is usually something else going on; like coming down with the flu and not realising, something anyway.

Neyite

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I would disagree with a lot of the above advice given OP.

There is absolutely no need for the advice given on leaving your husband & packing his bags. This is far from a hopeless situation.
The reason for this, is that before you had kids, there was some anger issues, he went to counselling and sorted them out. Your husband needs to learn how to deal with kids basically.

Kids are experts in pressing your buttons, and getting a parent from zero anger to boiling point in 1.4 seconds (seriously). Kids at times would drive you to insanity, especially when they hit towards the terrible two/three year old stage.

Your husband by the sounds of it, has had no experience of this. Dealing with one child is hard, with two is especially hard. I would surmise, that if this is your husband's default parenting, then this is the parenting he grew up with.

He needs some help to learn how to deal with the button pushing of children.

I would advise OP to stop the arguing with the husband. When you get into the arguing and fighting, you are becoming a part of the problem. And hence it makes it hard for you to say that 'x' is a problem - that leaves the door open to him saying you are over-reacting.

My suggestion is when you see the husband coming close to losing the run of himself, point it out calmly. Will I bring the kids out for half an hour? Do you want to go for a walk? Go for a coffee/see your mam/friend?
Find some way of cooling down the situation.
[There is a massive difference here, between trying to give someone space to calm down & managing an abusive person, just to note].


If that happens once or twice, and then when he does lose the temper. Don't get into the anger pot with him. Then you can point out what happened. Ask him - does he think that behaviour is ok, is it good for the little ones to see it.
Bring it back to yourself - say you hate seeing it and it really upsets you.


I had some very similar situations here with my husband to you OP. My husband was dragged up and not reared, and always had a problem with anger. With counselling, time, some self-awareness & us giving him space. He learned how to deal with it. It is very rare now, we see any of those issues any more - if we do then there is usually something else going on; like coming down with the flu and not realising, something anyway.

What you do think is an acceptable time frame for the husband to work on his anger issues to get to the point of self awareness that he only rarely is verbally and physically abusive to his babies, or that it only comes out when he is sick? A year? Two years? Several years? Thats a long time for children to listen to being screamed at, being called names, being grabbed and thrown roughly and having objects thrown at their heads!

Is "rarely" acceptable when it comes to things being thrown at a toddlers head in anger? How about "never?"

I'm all for him sorting himself out and becoming a good dad, but it should not be at the expense of his children.

ElleEm

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I would disagree with a lot of the above advice given OP.

There is absolutely no need for the advice given on leaving your husband & packing his bags. This is far from a hopeless situation.
The reason for this, is that before you had kids, there was some anger issues, he went to counselling and sorted them out. Your husband needs to learn how to deal with kids basically.

Kids are experts in pressing your buttons, and getting a parent from zero anger to boiling point in 1.4 seconds (seriously). Kids at times would drive you to insanity, especially when they hit towards the terrible two/three year old stage.

Your husband by the sounds of it, has had no experience of this. Dealing with one child is hard, with two is especially hard. I would surmise, that if this is your husband's default parenting, then this is the parenting he grew up with.

He needs some help to learn how to deal with the button pushing of children.

I would advise OP to stop the arguing with the husband. When you get into the arguing and fighting, you are becoming a part of the problem. And hence it makes it hard for you to say that 'x' is a problem - that leaves the door open to him saying you are over-reacting.

My suggestion is when you see the husband coming close to losing the run of himself, point it out calmly. Will I bring the kids out for half an hour? Do you want to go for a walk? Go for a coffee/see your mam/friend?
Find some way of cooling down the situation.
[There is a massive difference here, between trying to give someone space to calm down & managing an abusive person, just to note].


If that happens once or twice, and then when he does lose the temper. Don't get into the anger pot with him. Then you can point out what happened. Ask him - does he think that behaviour is ok, is it good for the little ones to see it.
Bring it back to yourself - say you hate seeing it and it really upsets you.


I had some very similar situations here with my husband to you OP. My husband was dragged up and not reared, and always had a problem with anger. With counselling, time, some self-awareness & us giving him space. He learned how to deal with it. It is very rare now, we see any of those issues any more - if we do then there is usually something else going on; like coming down with the flu and not realising, something anyway.

It really seems like you're blaming the kids here. Children do not purposefully "push buttons". They are learning about the world, they are testing boundaries and trying to make sense of what is and is not okay. Having their dad shout, drag, pull and throw things around them IS NOT OKAY. The OP says that the father seems to take most of his frustration out on the kids. I can imagine that this is not just an weekly/ monthly occurance. How ever often it is, it is not okay. He needs to not be around the kids, as he cannot control himself around them.

And as for your comment about counselling, he hardly "sorted" his issue before the kids came along. Managing anger is like the recovery process, it is a daily thing. He has clearly given up/ forgotten about the techniques and tools he was shown in therapy. He is capable of change, as he has managed his outbursts in the past, but if I was the mother of those children, I would not be allowing him to spend time with them unsupervised until he sorted out his issues.

Queen-Mise

Neyite wrote: »

What you do think is an acceptable time frame for the husband to work on his anger issues to get to the point of self awareness that he only rarely is verbally and physically abusive to his babies, or that it only comes out when he is sick? A year? Two years? Several years? Thats a long time for children to listen to being screamed at, being called names, being grabbed and thrown roughly and having objects thrown at their heads!

Is "rarely" acceptable when it comes to things being thrown at a toddlers head in anger? How about "never?"

I'm all for him sorting himself out and becoming a good dad, but it should not be at the expense of his children.

Never is a nice idea but rarely hits reality.

I'd imagine if the husband realised what he was doing, the situation would improve radically very quickly.

With counselling, & self awareness/control - I'd imagine in this situation that it will take six months to a year. You may still get blow ups but they wouldn't be as severe or as frequent.

Showing him this thread would be enough to start the ball rolling.

ElleEm wrote: »

It really seems like you're blaming the kids here. Children do not purposefully "push buttons". They are learning about the world, they are testing boundaries and trying to make sense of what is and is not okay. Having their dad shout, drag, pull and throw things around them IS NOT OKAY. The OP says that the father seems to take most of his frustration out on the kids. I can imagine that this is not just an weekly/ monthly occurance. How ever often it is, it is not okay. He needs to not be around the kids, as he cannot control himself around them.

Not blaming the kids in the slightest. Kids are kids - they are what they are.

ElleEm wrote: »

And as for your comment about counselling, he hardly "sorted" his issue before the kids came along. Managing anger is like the recovery process, it is a daily thing. He has clearly given up/ forgotten about the techniques and tools he was shown in therapy. He is capable of change, as he has managed his outbursts in the past, but if I was the mother of those children, I would not be allowing him to spend time with them unsupervised until he sorted out his issues.

What we do know about the anger management issues he had before is that he went for help. He obviously took the advice/help and it worked.

I'd put the argument forward that whatever the issues he had before is very different to the issues having twin toddlers running around the house. The techniques he was taught before mightn't be relevant to the situation now. I'd imagine he is overwhelmed and is managing the situation absolutely ars*ways.

CarMe

I can't even read this full thread because I'm too upset by your post.
I have an almost two year old, oh my god if anyone dared grab her roughly or shout and CURSE at her (she's two!!!), I would be gone!!! Absolutely no question whatsoever.

Catphish

CarMe wrote: »

I can't even read this full thread because I'm too upset by your post.
I have an almost two year old, oh my god if anyone dared grab her roughly or shout and CURSE at her (she's two!!!), I would be gone!!! Absolutely no question whatsoever.

I'm of the same thinking. A two year old is only a two year old for gods sake. Yes they push buttons, but that is how a child finds it's way in the world and where their boundaries are. That is the parents job to show them right from wrong. If a parent can't do that without shouting or pulling and angrily dragging a child then they are not in control of the situation.

Don't be hostile about it, just ask him to commit to an anger management and a parenting course, or he has the option of leaving the home until he does. Children get one childhood, they will only turn out as well as they are parented.

LegacyUser

hi there.
I am the mum of twins who are almost 2 years old.

I can't condone your husbands behaviour. Its bang out of order, and from your post, it appears like previous anger management issues that he has been managing better are now rearing their head again- with potentially dangerous consequences for you and your children.

Many other posters here are calling you out for failing as a parent, and advising you to "pack your bags"- which I think is both unfair, highly judgemental without context, and unhelpful.

And maybe the other posters also have young twins at home, but I wanted to point out that twins are STRESSFUL. VERY STRESSFUL- even parents with children close together in age will not be able to fully comprehend how exhausting they can be. After 2 years, it could be easy (particular if anger as been an issue) to feel like you are at the end of your rope- and frustrated that life isn't getting easier.

Is it possible that the stress of the twins is a factor in your husband's unreasonable behaviour? I ask because the patience of Job would be stretched by young twins sometimes. Again- I am not condoning your husband's behaviour- but am trying to suggest a possible source- and maybe this is what he needs to work on urgently. Apart from stress management and anger management which are more urgent, could you talk to him about you both doing a parenting course- there are many parenting courses, like Positive Parenting, which may help with coping with your twins- and are good for all parents to do, not just those that are struggling.

ChloeElla

OP, I'm 19 & have been in the situation of your children. When I was younger, my parents would fight, etc & I would get shouted at by my father. I was 9 when I rang the Guards on him for coming home drunk & starting a physical fight with my mother. I was 11 when he refused to get my crutches for me to go to the bathroom, so I ended up slipping in the hallway & peeing all over the floor & lying there crying until my mother got home. Those incidents are never mentioned & they probably think I've forgotten but you have no idea how much they impacted upon me. Last weekend, they had their first big fight in years & when he made a move towards my little sister, I pulled her away & shouted at him to leave her alone & he told me that he never wanted me to be born.
You don't have to leave him - But address his anger issues now, & keep him going to anger management or you don't know how your kids' lives will be affected. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh but it is a problem that needs to be dealt with x