No "I love you"!

LegacyUser

First, I'm a pretty laid back, and patient girl. I don't nag or whine about stupid things.

But after a great 1 year relationship, my boyfriend has yet to say, "I love you". There have definitely been many, many moments where he has shown that he cares very much ( Always kisses and cuddles me in private or public, spends lots of time with me/met all his friends and family/ plans future with me/ supports me financially) So I guess that by what you're saying, he most likely does love me or you might say as long as I feel loved, it doesn't matter.

But there's also a possibility that he may just enjoy the sex and/or being in some sort of solid relationship, right? but I don't want to be in a relationship where I am treated just as "great company and good sex".Having a good friendship and good sex are vital in a relationship but without love to bind them together, I feel like those aspects alone won't keep a relationship alive for long.

I know actions speak louder than words. I've dated people in the past and they gave me actions and words but not this man. Verbal and physical affection are important to me but being in this relationship, I don't feel 100% happy at this stage when he hasn't said those three words.

So my question: Should I expect to hear those words? At what point should I draw the line and walk away? If he doesn't love me by now, he never would? Or ask him straight out if he loves me? ( I'm sure he is gonna say: well, you know baby) and that is not What I want. Should I put my emotion needs first?

Any advice would be appreciated.

You haven't mentioned talking to him about this and what the outcome of that conversation was
If you can talk about your future, you can talk about something that's so important to you

Roselm

Have you ever said "I love you" to him? Maybe he doesnt want to say it first as he's unsure of how you feel?!

Highway ahead

Highway ahead wrote: »

( Always kisses and cuddles me in private or public, spends lots of time with me/met all his friends and family/ plans future with me/ supports me financially)

I don't want to be in a relationship where I am treated just as "great company and good sex".

I'm not sure what you mean. There's a big difference between being great company and good sex, compared to the aspects of your relationship you listed at first. Surely planning a future together and supporting you financially means more than company/sex?

Or ask him straight out if he loves me?

What does he say when you tell him you love him? If it's just silence, then next time ask why.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

You haven't mentioned talking to him about this and what the outcome of that conversation was
If you can talk about your future, you can talk about something that's so important to you

Thank you. I haven't talked to him about this. I thought it would come naturally after sometime together but after a year together, no words of love. I can't see myself being with someone who can't verbally expressive about their feelings. He can say things like I love being with you, I want to wake up every morning beside you, you make me happy and I'm lucky having you in my life and so on but never I love you - it means so much to me.

Roselm : I know its not a man's job to say I love you first but I don't think I'm going to tell him first. The fact is, I'm kinda holding back a bit now since he hasn't said it to me after a year together and he certainly knows how I feel about him.

True-or false: I know he does love me in some way and treats me like he loves me but because he doesn't say the words, sometime it makes me feel like I'm just great company and someone who he can have good sex with.

ladysarah

he may be shy and afraid to say it first. so many relationshisps fail because of lack of communication. please talk to him or take the lead and tell him you love him.

daisybelle2008

Highway ahead wrote: »

I can't see myself being with someone who can't verbally expressive about their feelings.
Roselm : I know its not a man's job to say I love you first but I don't think I'm going to tell him first. The fact is, I'm kinda holding back a bit now since he hasn't said it to me after a year together and he certainly knows how I feel

.

Well you are not exactly being 'verbally expressive' either. I don't see why you are so stubborn about him having to say it first. Can you see are kind of being hypocritical? It shouldn't be important who says it first. Your basis for not saying it seems to be because he hasn't, like some kind of emotional stand off.
Why not say it ifyou feel it? It becomes a problem if he doesn't say it back. I am struggling to see where you are coming from tbh. But if it is a deal breaker for you then you should decide on that basis.

P. Breathnach

Highway ahead wrote: »

I know its not a man's job to say I love you first but I don't think I'm going to tell him first.

And what if he takes the same position?

The fact is, I'm kinda holding back a bit now since he hasn't said it to me after a year together and he certainly knows how I feel about him.

So you think he should know that you love him because -- what? Is it that you are great company and someone he can have good sex with?

True-or false: I know he does love me in some way and treats me like he loves me but because he doesn't say the words...

And neither do you say the words.

This looks to me like a classic case of making a mountain out of a molehill. He acts as if he loves you, but doesn't say the words. That's rather better than if he said the words but didn't act as if he loved you.

Take the initiative. Ask him if he loves you.

ElleEm

OP, it comes across pretty ridiculous that you are criticising his lack of emotional expression when you are doing the exact same. I also cannot believe that you would consider "walking away" just cos he hasn't said it, even though you haven't either.

If you love him, you should tell him! He obviously cares for you, but it is clear that you need to hear him say those three words. He may not be there yet, or he may just find it hard to say that he loves you. He could be afraid you won't say it back.

You really need to be able to talk to him about it. If you tell him you love him, then he will HAVE to respond, whether it is by saying he loves you too, or by him saying something else. At least it will open the lines of communication between you.

I couldn't agree more with Ladysarah's post- failure to communicate is (IMO) the most common reason relationships breakdown. Would you really allow your relationship to end cos you couldn't talk about something?!

Sorry OP, I had assumed you must have already said it to him.

I don't want to sound mean, I do understand it can be hard to put yourself out there, but if I'm brutally honest you're being ridiculous. It's the equivalent of being upset about not getting a job you never applied for. He's never heard those three words either.

Tell him you love him. Then take issue about him saying it back.

kat.mac

Classic case of over-thinking here I reckon, OP. You've gotten yourself all worked up over this and I bet you he has absolutely no idea what's going on in your head. You've described a lovely, loving, affectionate relationship which appears to have loads of potential, but you're throwing up a roadblock for yourself here and INMHO, creating a problem where there isn't one. TBH, you're also employing a bit of a double-standard with regards to those 'three little words'.

It's bothering you no end, so you clearly need to talk about it. Either just tell him you love him, or have the conversation about why he hasn't said it to you.

LegacyUser

OP you say yourself he expresses his love for you in many different ways both emotionally and physically but your considering chucking the whole relationship away because he hasn't said 'I love you' yet you admit you haven't said it yourself. While it sounds like it's certainly a big deal to you to the act of actually saying 'I love you' it's not a major thing for everyone, I know my parents love each other and love me and my siblings but I've never heard them say 'I love you' to each other and we wouldn't generally say it to each other. I started after I moved out of home as it was something I noticed alot of new friends I'd made did and would end phone calls home with I love you and it just felt odd to me as it wasn't something I was use to saying. I've never told any BF I loved them and I wouldn't have noticed really if they said it. They are just words to me, you show someone you love them by your actions. But that is my view on it, if you want to hear the words either talk to your OH about it or talk the plunge and do it first

Lenmeister

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Well you are not exactly being 'verbally expressive' either. I don't see why you are so stubborn about him having to say it first. Can you see are kind of being hypocritical? It shouldn't be important who says it first. Your basis for not saying it seems to be because he hasn't, like some kind of emotional stand off.
Why not say it ifyou feel it? It becomes a problem if he doesn't say it back. I am struggling to see where you are coming from tbh. But if it is a deal breaker for you then you should decide on that basis.

This. OP you're coming across as a hypocrite. You actually say you can't be with him unless he says he loves you. News Flash: NEITHER HAVE YOU. You're beng a bit childish to be honest. "I'm not saying it unless he says it". It's playground stuff like "I'll do it if you do it first". Holding back telling someone you love them just because they haven't said it is just so rediculous. It is absolutely NOBODYS job to say it 1st. Whoever feels it should say it.

You'd leave him because he hasn't said he loves you? Careful girl, he might be thinking the exact same thing. I'm coming across as harsh but you need to wake up. If you love him, tell him. Sounds to me like he is very much in love with you. He could be shy or very anxious, maybe he's never been in love before and doesn't know how to express it. Don't wait around girl. If you love him, don't let him slip away, tell him.

As a matter of interest why didn't you tell him you loved him when you realised you were in love with him? Have you been holding back for a long time or have you only realised you love him recently?

nikkibikki

To echo other posters here, OP if you love him too just tell him you love him! When my husband and I were together a few months, I was the one that said it first. It took him a few minutes to say it back to me, I knew he had never been in a relationship before so he was making sure he knew what he was saying before saying it! He says it about 20 times a day now and me too to him!

Your boyfriend may never have been in a relationship before and doesn't know how to articulate these feelings due to this inexperience and the longer it goes on, the harder it is becoming. Tell him you love him or ask him straight out if he loves you but it is using double standards if you would be annoyed if he replied "sure you know I do" if this is the stance you are taking yourself.

December2012

In my opinion you say I Love You because you love the person.

Not for them to say it back, not because they say it first, but because you love them.

Op get out of your own head, if you love the man then tell him.

Tell him as much as you can.

One day he'll be gone and can never hear it again, so go tell him now and tell him often. Because you love him.

not yet

Ask him, simple.

Yes = happy days
No= Get out.
Not sure= as number 2

A year is long enough to know.

LegacyUser

Op here. I tried to bring it up a few times but every time I get ready to, I completely chicken out and said I love his hair instead.

Tonight, he was talking about time to move in together. I asked him point blank, “Do you love me?". He smiled, pulling me close and said "Don't be silly, I love you everyday, don't you feel it in my kisses and when I look at you" " you're loved babe, I can't get mad at you". Very sweet, I was shocked and forgot to say it back to him but asked him why didn't he say it to me before. He said he did once when we were lying by the pool when we were away 2 months ago but I was quiet so he thought I either fell asleep or wasn't comfortable...well, I must had fallen asleep then.

He told me that I always say I love my dog and he knows that I love him as much as my dog...in a joking way. He is right, he doesn't need me to say it but I will say it to him soon when my dog is not around

I think when you have such strong feelings for another person it is so much harder to tell them how you feel. But I can tell my dog all the time how much I love her not that she cares...haha.

Happy days! Thank you for your words of encouragement.