Is my boyfriend selfish?

LegacyUser

I'm going straight to my problem and need your advice.

My boyfriend of 7 months wakes up every weekend morning to check if the weather is good so he can play golf(he plays till late afternoon) if its raining, cold or very windy, he stays at home and does things with me. It has been like this since we first met. But I like to go for a jog with him, sightseeings and many outdoor activities together when the weather is good. I have no problem spending time with my friends or doing my own things but it is fun to go out and enjoy the sunshine with my boyfriend on the weekends too. Is he selfish or am I overreacting? I understand if he has a completion coming up and needs to practise but he has no completion this year. How should I go on about it with him without sounding too bossy?

Passenger

Honesty is usually the best policy with situations like this. Just be up front and make some suggestions of things to do some morning. If he says no because he wants to do his own thing then tell him that you want to spend more time with him. To be fair, if he is pursuing his passion then it's hard to call him selfish for doing so. Why not join him? There's no point keeping your frustrations locked up and not telling him as it will only make you resent him for it.

He's not selfish, but you're not over-reacting either. It's understandable that this would start to bug you.

Why not ask for a compromise? You say he plays into the late afternoon. You could speak to him about wanting to spend more time with him, and then suggest that you do something before he plays golf, or one weekend he could just play the front/back 9, and spend the rest of the afternoon with you.

To be totally honest, given the current weather I don't blame him. The two of you can do many things in bad weather or in the evenings, but golf is pretty weather-dependent. And he does deserve to take the time to play once a week when it's something he cares about. Certainly on weekends when he's already had a day of golf it would be reasonable to ask him to spend it with you.

Tread lightly, neither of you are in the wrong!

desbrook

What concerns me most is you say "weekend morning " meaning that if a few weekends were fine he'd spend all his days off playing golf. OP that's not selfish - that's sad. I love photography but I'd hate to do it all weekend. See will he change ( forget compromise - that sounds like he's doing you a favour) if not dump him.
By the way golf is semi weather dependent. Cloudy weather is no big deal. Going on a beach picnic is a lot more weather dependent. I'm longing for good weather to spend sunny days with my gf. We are both dreaming of it actually. I feel sorry for you .

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your replies.

I need to be clearer. If every Sat and Sun were nice, he would spend all his days off playing golf.

It usually takes him min an hour to drive to the courses. Sometimes he drives there on Sat and stays there til Sun noon if the weather is nice for the whole weekend.

If he plays at 2, he wakes up at 11 or 12 , has his brunch and off he goes so no point planning anything to do with him in the morning( I like to wake up a bit late on weekend too when you dont have to wake up early for work)

I went with him to the courses for a couple of times, it was boring, long hours doing nothing fun for myself. I dont want to sit in the hotel lounge with my laptop or read newspaper or do a long walk on my own in the middle of nowhere anymore. I don't play golf, I have other hobbies.

We do spend a good amount of time together during the week not on the weekend when the weather is good.

I don't mind he is pursuing his passion but I can't remember when was the last time we spent a weekend together when it was sunshine unless we were on holidays somewhere warm :-(.

judgefudge

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I also don't think he is being selfish. If golfing is his thing then he should be able to do it when he gets a chance, particularly when the weather is so unpredictable in this country.

I know it's probably not ideal so maybe just talk to him about it and ask for one sunny day together every so often. It should be easier comin into the summer anyway.

I wouldn't go asking him to change or dump him or anything. That would definitely be an overreaction and quite unfair to him.

LegacyUser

In my first post I meant competition not completion. Sorry for mistyping.

LegacyUser

OP he plays golf weekends till mid afternoon if weather premitted and tbh you should support him in his hobby and dont forget you have the rest of the day to spend with him.

If you push him he may choose golf over you and he may not ! but dont go down that route as it will lead to resentment over time imo

You could be supportive to him or even asked him can you join him for a round or join him in the clubhouse afterwards etc

LegacyUser

ptnaerrtap wrote: »

OP he plays golf weekends till mid afternoon if weather premitted and tbh you should support him in his hobby and dont forget you have the rest of the day to spend with him.

If you push him he may choose golf over you and he may not ! but dont go down that route as it will lead to resentment over time imo

You could be supportive to him or even asked him can you join him for a round or join him in the clubhouse afterwards etc

Thanks for your input but I don't really have the rest of the day with him. He normally plays for 4 hours plus 2 hours or more there and back so by the time he gets in, its late noon, evening time. We do spend time together but not on sunny weekends. I don't want to push him but I don't know how to go about it.

blatantrereg

You find golf boring. Maybe he finds jogging and sightseeing boring.

desbrook

blatantrereg wrote: »

You find golf boring. Maybe he finds jogging and sightseeing boring.

This is very true but begs an inevitable follow up . Maybe he'd be far better off with someone who shared his interests as would you?

CaraMay

Golf is a selfish game by nature as it takes up so much time. In saying that I do think you need to chill. I here playing golf in the rain and its so nice out there when its sunny. I guess you need to manage a compromise. He can choose his tee times do he can go early morning or late afternoon if he really wants to.

LegacyUser

OP, you are asking your BF to give up an activity he obviously loves. Golf, like any sport, can be very addictive and it's wrong of you to ask him to give it up. There is space for you and golf in his life.

It's far better to have individual interests that each of you can pursue separately rather than choosing interests you both share. I know I want my own time and not to have my better-half around all the time. She, also, has her own things she pursues and enjoys, without having to have me beside her.

If you insist on him giving up golf to do something with you he will resent it. There's a lot of time out there to satisfy all your needs without you having him clock-in with some "together-time".

Be glad he has such a healthy activity to stimulate him and not something like sitting on a bar-stool or a bookies office.

If there's something you want to do together, then suggest he goes out early and you have th rest of the day together.

You could always take up playing golf too, it's a great game for ladies and a way to get exercise and meet people.

Floppybits

Hey OP, I just had to comment on this thread because your boyfriend sounds like me, now I dont play golf but the sport I play I love and if I was single guy it would be what I would be doing all the time. So I think I might be able to help you understand where he is at and maybe what ya need to do.

Firstly understanding where you boyfriend is at, As you say in the post above you are going out 7 months, so before that I guess your BF was single for a bit of time before he met you and this meant that he spent all his spare time on the golf course, now he is in a relationship he is still doing what he did as a single lad and hasnt adjusted to being in a relationship.

What you need to do is sit down and talk to him about this? As a guy who was the same as your BF a few years ago it took my partner having a sit down with me and asking me to compromise, not to give up but to basically make time for us as a couple to do things. When she pointed this out to me I could see that I wasn't leaving the time for us as a couple so now I try to not to play my sport too much at the weekend, I still play at the weekend but when I do I make sure that I leave another day free. So if I play on a saturday I leave sunday free same if I play sunday I leave saturday free.

It is just about finding the balance. I dont think you are asking too much and if your BF is a nice guy that is not selfish then he once you ask him he will understand. This is not a new problem for couples especially for couples at the beginning of a relationship. But what you should not do is ask him to give it up.

LegacyUser

bananaRep12 wrote: »

OP, you are asking your BF to give up an activity he obviously loves. Golf, like any sport, can be very addictive and it's wrong of you to ask him to give it up. There is space for you and golf in his life.

It's far better to have individual interests that each of you can pursue separately rather than choosing interests you both share. I know I want my own time and not to have my better-half around all the time. She, also, has her own things she pursues and enjoys, without having to have me beside her.

If you insist on him giving up golf to do something with you he will resent it. There's a lot of time out there to satisfy all your needs without you having him clock-in with some "together-time".

Be glad he has such a healthy activity to stimulate him and not something like sitting on a bar-stool or a bookies office.

If there's something you want to do together, then suggest he goes out early and you have th rest of the day together.

You could always take up playing golf too, it's a great game for ladies and a way to get exercise and meet people.

Thank you. I'm not asking him giving up golf nor do I want to.

I don't like jogging and sightseeing every weekend. I used to play golf when I was living back home in Singapore. It was fun but I'm not used to the weather here, I always find it cold out in the course so that's not fun for me, I guess I'm not very passionate about it. I don't mind sitting in for three evenings watching The Masters with him because I enjoyed it too. Beside my main job, I work as a personal trainer in the evening, I do different sports so its not like I have lots of free time but I do still like to spend some nice, sunny weekends with my boyfriend.

Maybe he'd better off with someone who shares his interests? He would hate to hear that. He would move across the country for me:-). I need to talk to him without making him feel guilty. I will ask him to drop the golf to once a week on the weekends and he can play after work everyday if he wants because the summer is coming. I'm being fair?

wallycharlo

Sea and sunshine wrote: »

...I need to be clearer. If every Sat and Sun were nice, he would spend all his days off playing golf...

Good thing you live in Ireland then !

Should it not be possible to hit a compromise though, e.g. he gets out very early and plans in such a way that he hooks up with yourself early afternoon onwards, etc?

ShowMeTheCash

wallycharlo wrote: »

Good thing you live in Ireland then !

Should it not be possible to hit a compromise though, e.g. he gets out very early and plans in such a way that he hooks up with yourself early afternoon onwards, etc?

Just going to second this, you have been going out seven months? How often has he actually been out playing golf??
Weather up until a few weeks ago was pretty bad!

Distorted

Sea and sunshine wrote: »

If he plays at 2, he wakes up at 11 or 12 , has his brunch and off he goes so no point planning anything to do with him in the morning( I like to wake up a bit late on weekend too when you dont have to wake up early for work)

Not very dedicated then, is he? I know plenty of people who compete at sports, but most of them aren't waking up at 11 or 12 on a Sat or Sun!

Most people are out to impress at the beginning of a relationship, so if its like this now, I wonder what it would be like in the future. He sounds like he doesn't know how to have a girlfriend. I don't see much point in having a boyfriend if you won't know in advance if you will get to spend daylight hours at the weekend with him or not.

Granted, this is Ireland, and the attitude towards women and relationships is still a little bit old fashioned at times. I'm not in Ireland now, and when I observe my own relationship and those of friends, the guys are really making an effort to impress you in the first few months, organising days out for you to enjoy - there are guys like this in Ireland but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is one of them!

December2012

If you want him to compromise you gave to come up with something you're willing to give up or work on.

Eg waking up late - if you both wake up earlier, he goes to play earlier - you go back to bed, then he's home earlier.

blatantrereg

Sea and sun wrote: »

I'm being fair?

Yes

I need to talk to him without making him feel guilty.

Just be positive about it. Mention things you'd like to do with him, and that you like doing things in the sunshine with him. Don't suggest he's been selfish, or that he's been doing anything wrong, and don't focus on having felt frustrated about him spending time playing golf instead. I wouldn't assume he knows what you want before you tell him directly.

He would move across the country for me:-).

You've stopped thinking he might be selfish then. That's cool.

Lorna123

It's all down to compromise. There are two days to a weekend, he plays golf for one of these days and the other one he spends with you. If he cannot compromise then he is off the radar. We all have things we are passionate about and we all have to compromise to make things run smoothly. It shouldn't be a drag for your b/f to spend time with you on one weekend day. So lay your cards on the table.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for taking the time to give me advice.

These past few weeks have been rather stressful ones for me. I've been wondering if he is someone I want to spend my future with. I've decided to break up with him. I will talk to him this weekend. I have no official reason for leaving him and I'm feeling very sad, it hurts thinking about breaking his heart.

It's not because he doesn't spend time with me when the weather is nice at the weekend. His golf habit didn't bother me before but it has bothered me recently along with other things. I think I just started looking for excuses to end our relationship. I've realised after 7 months together, I haven't been feeling in love. I never got to feel this excitement like ”I hope he likes me”. I have felt so secure with him from day 1 and in a way the relationship has been out of balance beause of this. But he has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for in a boyfriend. He really is a sexy, fun, intelligent man and loves me very much. He is generous, supportive, treats me well but I feel like if I'm not sure about him at this point, I need to move on and not wasting his time. Gosh, this is hard.... Thanks again everyone.

wallycharlo

Sea and sun wrote: »

... He would move across the country for me -) ...

Sea and sun wrote: »

... I will talk to him this weekend. I have no official reason for leaving him and I'm feeling very sad, it hurts thinking about breaking his heart ...

You seem very sure of yourself. If he was so completely wrapped up in you as you think, perhaps you wouldn't have needed to start this thread?

No malice intended, just an observation ...

desbrook

wallycharlo wrote: »

You seem very sure of yourself. If he was so completely wrapped up in you as you think, perhaps you wouldn't have needed to start this thread?

No malice intended, just an observation ...

Another observation is you were really looking for an excuse to finish in the golf but found most posters here didn't take your side. Hmmm

ShowMeTheCash

Sometimes self reflection is not that easy! Your reasons seemed a little suspect to me at the beginning of this thread....

But like most people we are sometimes a little selfish, when something does not work out, we do not want to be the cause of it!!

It seems like you now know why you feel different and its probably nothing to do with him!

I guess the whole cliche "It's not you it's me" will probably be appropriate in this case!