The For Sure Championship

Slutmonkey57b

Well half the racing seems to happen off track at the moment, with so much interest in what the drivers are saying. In times past, most of what they've said is predictable, such as

"For sure, it's.."
"The guys back at the factory..."
"a big step for us..."
"looking foward..."
"going forward..."
"making progress.."

So harkening back to a thread on a Brawn GP fansite, I'm tracking the "For Sure" Championship. This will be a season long event, across all FIA-sanctioned press conferences, whereby the drivers will compete for the honour of most inane repetitions of common F1 phrases. So for each race, there will be a Thursday press conference, a post qualifying, podium interview and post-race presser. Podium and post - race pressers will be combined into a single report.

The championship will track each driver's number of appearances, the number of answers they give, and how many times they say "for sure", "looking/going forward", and any combination of "factory", "progress" or "step" in a "the guys back at the factory are making great progress and we're hoping this is going to be a good step for us" type of affair.

Rankings will be according to who has the most number of "For Sure"s overall. In the event of a tie, "looking forward"s and "factory progress"s will be used to determine the winner, as 2nd and 3rd place finishes respectively.

As the sport is a statistician's dream, the ratio of "answers per appearance", "for sure's per appearance" and "likelihood of a 'for sure' in any given answer" will also be provided.

I did consider a constructor's championship based on the Friday team pressers, but they appear to be less generic in their responses, which is frankly no fun at all. Note that pre and post race team PR releases are not counted for the championship, as they do not take place under FakeCharlieWhiting's auspices and teams have too much freedom to game the system. Also, I'm far too lazy to comb through them.

Having said that, here are the standings to date:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/pub?key=0Ajj5GX_-vKJ4dHQ2VzVUcGxkVGd1b05MaTZQOHlTeWc&single=true&gid=0&output=html

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Due to overwhelming demand* the stats for the China race are now up.

Quite a tedious race this one, with no real spark from any of the podium finishers and a generally processional affair where everyone seemed keen to pace themselves, without stretching their capabilities or pushing the limits of the dictionary.

Battling through a lot of damage to get to second place on the track, Kimi was similarly the one stretching up to the occasion, delivering the only "for sure" of the interviews, early on when talking to Coulthard. It was his penultimate question when Alonso's strategy finally showed itself, delivering a solid "looking forward", but that leaves Kimi still on top on 8 with 3 rounds gone, and a 3 point lead over 2nd place man Vettel.

Unlike previous years, "the boys back at the factory" aren't in the limelight this year, with some blaming the Pirelli tyres. As Button is in the Thursday conference tomorrow, and with McLaren's technical struggles to date, it's hopeful that those guys will start getting some verbal attention in an official forum.


*mass apathy the likes of which has not been seen since drivers were asked for their comments on Suzie Wolff's driving skills in the recent documentary.

Myrddin

It is what it is

Lol :pac:

For sure it'll be tough keeping up with the amount of repetitions, but going forward I'm sure you;ll handle it

frostie500

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

*mass apathy the likes of which has not been seen since drivers were asked for their comments on Suzie Wolff's driving skills in the recent documentary.

Superb!

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well the media have been all set for tension in Bahrain, and it didn't disappoint in the Thursday "Presser of Boredom", where one driver was lighting up the skies.

Coming into the Bahrain event, Button was expected to put in serious effort to recognising the steps made by the guys back at the factory who were making progress towards the front, but yet again McLaren's season is falling flat. His first visit to the press room yielded an impressive 6 answers, but not one of them hit the mark and it seems the boys from Woking just can't get comfortable enough to slip into some lazy platitudes.

However, an old master was in today, and months of pent up tension living in his teammate's shadow finally got an outlet, resulting in Massa delivering a massive 7 "for sure"s from 7 answers, featuring a massive 4 in a single answer, a performance nobody else has come close to. Although not his record of 8 from the 2009 campaign, in a single race the little brazilian has done enough to leapfrog the table into first place on 9, from only 2 starts, and tops the ratio tables at 69% likely to deliver. Suggestions that his teammate could not comment due to being an observer of another 69 were impossible to confirm at this time.

Clearly inspired by the presence of the master, spanish speaker Maldonado shoehorned 2 "for sure"'s into a single answer, but Generic Vergne was overwhelmed by the onslaught and ended up with a muddled "step forward" which, being neither a clear step or looking forward, had to be investigated by the stewards. After a significant delay, they judged that the confusion was warranted, and elected to add to it by awarding points under both "looking forward" and "making a step", before changing their minds a few hours later and reducing it to a single point for "step".

All in all, we're teed up for an impressive race this weekend and it's clear that if Massa can get his foot in the door of another official meeting it'll be quickly followed by a burst of mildly incomprehensible chatter.

Finally, it was pointed out to the race organisers this evening that prior to this event neither Force India driver had been included in the official standings. Organisers, having investigated the cause of the matter fully, found that this was due to the fact that both drivers are so narcoleptically boring that their existence simply slipped the minds of the recorder. The recorder could not be reached for comment, as simply typing Paul di Resta's name caused them to stare blankly at the wall and wonder why the thought of chipboard was on their mind, an impressive feat considering they are someone who job is this spreadsheet. Di Resta was heard to complain that the championship failed to play to his strengths in being woodenly tedious, that his team were beneath him anyway, his teammate was cheating, and that in any case he beat Vettel in a game of pictionary about 10 years ago, so the whole thing was immaterial anyway and he should just be given the trophy now.

Unfortunately he was speaking to an empty room as the press corps trampled each other to get out of the room before the overwhelming whinging brought the walls down.

Charlie-Bravo

Pirelli have made a balls of it

That's quite funny...looking forward to the next instalment

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well Bahrain threw up two surprises for the Mercedes team on Saturday; the top layer of Lewis Hamilton's tyre, and Rosberg on pole. A boost for Nico after 3 terrible events, his domination of the press conference was complete, delivering 7 answers to Alonso's 4 and Vettel's rather deflated 3. Having put himself in such a good position, Rosberg made sure to maximise his opportunities. Pacing himself well, he delivered a whopping 6 for sures, and made sure of the result with a "look forward" to give him a better ratio of countback in what promises to be a tight season so far.

While Vettel managed two for sure's, Alonso seems to be content to let his opponents steam on ahead, delivering absolutely nothing of note during the presser except some well thought out and comprehensive answers to frankly stupid and meaningless questions. While that may display the calm and intelligence of a master strategist, you have to be concerned that with 6 appearances, his 10% likelihood of a "for sure" is going to risk throwing away the championship while concentrating on less important endeavours such as winning races.

Although Vettel has the same number of appearances, and a similarly low 15% delivery rate, the fact remains that he's delivered 3 more for sure's than Alonso at this stage of the championship, and the three-horse race between the leaders to date (Kimi, Vettel and Alonso) looks like it could be seriously derailed if mid-grid challengers like Rosberg or Massa manage to get in front of any more microphones.

With Rosberg, you have to say that a steely determination sits under that smile, as he was still delivering "for sure"s in BBC interviews, despite the non-championship nature of the event. If he can stay out of trouble during the race tomorrow, you've got to fancy his chances of taking the lead from the mercurial but unreliable Massa tomorrow.

af_thefragile

Should also add Kimi's latest "it is what it is..."

Although everytime I see Massa all I can think of is "fosho"!

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well the race took a while to shake out, but I think that after qualifying we were all fairly sure that Rosberg's further progress up the table would be determined by matters outside his control, namely the performance of his car, rather than his impressively loquacious vocabularosity. Sure enough, once the race was on he was soon swallowed into Vettel's gaping maw. And having swallowed the SweGerMonagasque driver, it appeared Vettel had little appetite for anything else, lumbering across the line with the minimum of effort, and showing a similar performance in the post-race presser where he delivered a single For Sure and a looking forward just to make certain of the result.

The impossible to guide Kimi was on hand, and seemed wholly uninterested in proceedings, with the fewest answers of any of the podium finishers, and refusing to engage with the competition's needless verbal gymnastics. Unsurprisingly, his answers per show is the lowest of the frontrunners, and experts don't expect that to change over the course of the season. With Kimi, it's all about quality over quantity however, although that too will have to improve as thanks to "looking forward" count, he now trails Vettel in the standings.

Grosjean made his first trip to the podium, and appeared to have more gas in the tank than his flat teammate, delivering 5 answers to Kimi's 4. However, the Frenchman failed to capitalise and didn't deliver a single generic reply. Critics have pointed in the past to Romain's lack of awareness, and certainly a better driver would have recognised a genuine opportunity here and taken it. His speed may well take him towards the front, but you have to wonder if his lack of brains will stop him from reaping any reward.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Thursday. Thor's Day. The Day of the God of Thunder.

Not wishing to be left wanting, 6 drivers sat with faces like the eponymous god, such was their overwhelming sense of girlish thrill at the prospect of another Presser of Doom. Looking from one face to the next, the sense gathers that at any moment, the whole flimsy podium facade may be tipped over, and a chorus line of delighted, fresh faced, well scrubbed millionaires might start tap dancing their way around the room, top hats and canes in hand.

Certainly, there was no attempt to tap dance around the leaden and obvious questioning of the press pack, who duly trotted out the same questions as last week with little to no variation. Tyres are challenging, teams hope to improve, two drivers are not fighting at all having cleared the air in a 5 minute conversation in an airless hospitality cupboard, and everyone is looking forward to a scintellating race at a fantastic circuit where the fans are guaranteed a good time. The response to one question regarding the possibility of overtaking with DRS led to some heroically hard work from Vettel, who managed to waffle for 100 words before reaching the limits of credibility. This led to easily the highlight of the conference with the following exchange from Alonso and Perez in response:

FA: Same.

SP: Same.

Nail biting stuff there I think you'll agree sports fans. Where would we be without the Thursday Presser? A measly haul of one For Sure each for Alonso and Bottas, and that is, as they say, that.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Jesus! What a qualifying session! This championship, which was looking like a clean-run contest between Vettel, Kimi, and whatever Ferrari driver could get in the room, is being turned upside down by the improvements at the Mercedes team, and their star driver.... Nico Rosberg.

A man who wasn't expected to hold his own against 7-time champion and living legend Michael Schumacher, was then steamrollered in China by the PR machine of Lewis "unbeatable" Hamilton, just showed the more regular faces that just because he hasn't had the opportunity in times past, doesn't mean he lacks the ability.

Shoving past Lewis to get to the top of the timesheets, Rosberg decimated the two world champions, answering 11 questions, and delivering another 7 "for sure"s, a "looking forward", and made sure to mention the boys "back at the factory" to sweep the honours board, and leave his competitors picking up the scraps. Vettel, never one to leave points on the table, picked up a single "for sure", but that was the totality of his contributions from 9 answers, so you've got to think he should have done better. Lewis, meanwhile, is still clearly ingratiating himself at his new digs, making sure to tip the hat to the "guys back at the factory" who he knows will be the key to getting this Mercedes car to keep its race pace going.

Always a fan favourite, Rosberg showed last week that he's a steely competitor with the hunger to grab this championship and run with it. If the Boys Back At the Factory can get these tyres sorted out, I think Vettel is going to look like a pussycat compared to the man with four more "for sure"s from only one third of the appearances. Stunning. Just stunning.

Hamilton is looking like an also-ran already, with a paltry 0.17 ratio, although he'll probably take secret pleasure from the performance of last year's teammate, struggling at the bottom of the table with nothing at all to show for his efforts. He might as well be driving a Marussia!

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well another processional race delivered by flaky tyres, but it threw up the chance for the battle we'd been waiting for all weekend. Finally, Felipe Massa was back on the podium, and with passion in his heart, and a fire for recognition burning in his soul, the stage was all set for the Big Hitter, the numero uno, the bravo from brazil to make his mark.

With baited breath it was that we saw another maverick of the microphone stride confidently onto the stage as the podium dwellers calmed their emotions ... Eddie Jordan, a man who no producer, script writer, or teleprompter could ever stand up against. As Eddie bounced from one part of the stage to another, at some points appearing to address an invisible giant somewhere off in the outfield, Alonso reeled off as many answers as he could, but still seems to be stuck in that mode whereby he thinks about the questions and reels off a non-repetitive answer which makes some sort of sense.

Chroniclers are starting to wonder if he even understands the rules of the competition.

Meanwhile, the spotlight shone on Massa. A loquacious interviewer who would allow all sorts of leeway. Two sets of questioning opportunities. His family here for support. What would the diminutive chappie make of it? Sadly, he appeared to be more keen on joking with Kimi on the podium about Jordan's hairpiece than concentrating on the matter at hand. Would he fare better in the press conference? Hardly a peep. While he got in his "for sure" out in the free air of the podium, he weakened in the press conference and made no further contributions. Sensing weakness in his old teammate, Kimi pounced with an additional two "for sure"s, bringing him back up to second in the table.

Amazingly, Alonso managed to work through 16 boring questions, more than the other two competitors combined, without stooping to a single "for sure"! Some are beginning to question if he is really a racing driver at all.

Firewalkwithme

Nobody cares......

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Cartoon_Head wrote: »

Nobody cares......

I've got at least 4 likes on this whole thread that says otherwise.

Firewalkwithme

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

I've got at least 4 likes on this whole thread that says otherwise.

Sorry about that.

What I should have said is hardly anyone cares ;-)

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

It's an elitist sport, what can I say. :-)

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Because we're concerned for The Show here at the FIA (Flipping Inane Articulations), we're going to do a consultation with the stakeholders about the future of the For Sure Championship. Spokesmodel and part time grid girl Chesty Buns had this to say:

For sure, we've been looking forward to the second running of the For Sure Championship, following the great response* to the inaugural event in 2009. We were so excited, we actually waited 4 years to run another one, due to the massive cash ticketing demands of Bernie Ecclestone our enthusiastic fans. It's a team effort here and we all know the hard work that's gone into the running of this spreadsheet by a team of over 400 lab rats job bridge victims unpaid transition year work placements former Toyota F1 employees highly qualified engineers back at the factory.

We've engaged respected firm Hermann Tilke Associates to design our poll, after a lengthy global selection process carried out by Jean Todt in the FIA jet while canvassing votes in his election campaign against the cardboard cutout of Arti Vanaten who will be selected to run against him after a long global canvass of FIA members, currently being carried out by Jean Todt aboard the FIA jet while going about his existing official duties.

We're hoping for a good step in the results after the voting, and expect to be fighting for viewers with the Premier League's "Most Overpaid Barbaric Teenager" competition in 3 years time.

*As many as 6 viewers a week.

Monkeybonkers

Excellent stuff Slutmonkey, keep 'em coming

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well after a champagne (cider) fuelled Monaco weekend, the statisticians finally got down to the brutal business of finding which pool they lost their underwear in. Having plucked their stained y fronts from the base of the 40 foot, they sat down to review the Thursday presser of doom. The well catered press pack soon delved into the usual tough questioning, ranging from asking if Monaco was a special race, to asking what special memories of this special race the drivers could especially recall. In common with the lowest common denominator attitude prevalent nowadays, one reporter wanted to know if the drivers were doing anything special with their helmets this weekend, pointing out that he already knew what Hamilton's helmet looked like. Hamilton confirmed he'd already tweeted a picture of his helmet with his girlfriend on it, but there was an awkward moment as grossjean pointed out that he too had tweeted a picture of his French themed helmet, and the reporter obviously wasn't following him. Thankfully, nobody was cruel enough to point out that nobody follows the unphotogentic Frenchman, and the only way anyone would start is if he started tweeting pictures of his wife. Bianchi hinted at some secret helmet action later on that weekend, but Sutil hinted at some unresolved issues as he confirmed that he would fly the flag for Uruguay this year, in the name of his father. If he's chasing new sponsorship opportunities, someone needs to tell him Venezuela is the one with all the lubricating oil. The hulk and button both seemed to have enough self confidence not to dick around with their helmets, and figured they'd get as lucky as they needed to with their existing setup, without the need for custom coverings.

Awkwardness couldn't be avoided however as Lewis and Sutil were asked about their relationship, and while Lewis managed a long winded, seemingly positive but extremely vague answer, Adrian made a horrifyingly heartfelt and revealing answer, though he probably intended it to be vague. Further careless hurt was caused later on, as he revealed that his first experience of Monaco was in a formula three race, as his family couldn't afford to attend before, while Lewis immediately and crassly boasted about using his McLaren connections that same weekend to get booked into the beach plaza hotel as an upgrade from his booking in Menton. Short of actually getting Lewis to ride Adrian around the room like a donkey, it's difficult to imagine how much more degrading the session could have been.

Finally, Button was asked about McLaren's offer of a job for life, and his fond memories of working with Honda again, by responding that it was important at his stage of life to know when to just give up and retire.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well the Monaco party is a big one, and having stuck the laptop in an airing cupboard to dry all the champagne and pool water off it, the statisticians were hard at work crunching the numbers to shake out what the winning strategy was on the weekend where track position is everything.

Monaco is the place where quality speaks for itself, and that was never truer than in the gladiatorial arena where only the bold, the brilliant, the brave, and the linguistically limpid reign. Like a chinless aristocrat, a strong grasp of the dictionary is nothing but an impediment here, and the pre-race conference showed that to be true. Despite being a neckless wonder, Grosjean failed to deliver a single point of non-interest for the whole conference, scoring 0 points from 7 answers, which would have been embarrassing if he had not been so laughably useless at the principality while covering his other professional duties. Sutil did worse with 0 cliches from 8 answers, but this can probably be excused by the embarrassing nature of the questioning he was subjected to, and he seemed intent on making up for it by driving well for the rest of the weekend. Button was similarly drab, still failing to get off the mark, and delivering a single "looking forward" to avoid the wooden spoon. While Hamilton finally put in a champion-like performance, covering all bases in a 1-3-1 formation, like a classically clever backmarker, Bianchi was the one to grab the limited opportunities available to him, winning the event with 2 For Sures.

When it came to the Qualifying conference, the man on Pole was Rosberg once again. Clearly still the media's favourite, Hamilton was given the most answers at 11, followed by Rosberg on 9, while Vettel was allotted a paltry 6, seemingly more proof of the media's tiredness at interviewing the dominant triple champion. With that, he delivered 2 For Sure's, and cemented his place above Kimi and Massa. Looking anaemic in the face of a Teammate who is beating him, Lewis was quiet and only got on the third step with a single "step forward", which though paltry, is at least evidence of a maturing driver considering some of his behaviour when he found himself at a performance deficit to Button in years gone by. Needless to say, the Man with the Golden Hair delivered another golden performance, with 5 For sure's, a "looking forward" and 3 "step"s to stretch his lead to 18 vs. Vettel's 11.

Putting one Step in front of another was all Rosberg had to do this weekend to clinch victory, and that's all he did do in the race, as Red Bull forced Webber up to the front with some fancy thinking at the Safety Car, something Mercedes still aren't as good at. While the less professional and considered members of the racing pack seemed intent on tearing up the track, barriers, competitors, rules of common sense, and in some cases their future racing careers, the post-race press conference contained absolutely no entertainment whatsoever. Showing the calm and steel that he no doubt possessed all along, Rosberg saw no need to run away at the front of the championship, and delivered not a single For Sure, despite being asked 10 questions. Showing his continued decline into unpopularity, Vettel was asked a measly 3 questions, one less than his entertainingly blunt teammate who took the opportunity to take some well aimed digs at GP2 drivers and "other guys" who don't have the experience or ability to judge racing moves, but neither of them seemed in the mood to capitalise, and the session was capped off with things much as they were when they started out.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

The Thursday Presser returns, and being held in the Capital of Politeness, Canada, everyone was on their best behaviour today. Ranging VanDerGarde, Vergne, Pic, Maldonado, Massa and Rosberg in front of the cameras, it was a nice touch by the FIA to let 5 backmarkers have their moment in the sunshine, reflecting brilliantly as it always does from Rosberg's shiny, golden, luxurious, sensual hai.... ummm sorry.

Anyway, the top stories on everyone's mind were about Mercedes, both that secret test, and what Daimler would do if Bernie were convicted of bribery. Naturally, the first 14 questions of the 40 asked were directed to anybody but Rosberg, as whether or not the backmarkers were making progress towards the front (they're not) was apparently a key point of interest. Van Der Garde managed to capture the moment, stating that "the progress is going quite well", and that the team had made "good progression", and describing his satisfaction that in his rookie season, "the progress is going really well". On that comforting note, the harder questioning started with someone asking Maldonado how he was feeling after being pushed into the wall at Monaco. He responded that he was "OK", which is certainly better than the marshall he almost killed while ignoring yellow flags at the same circuit in 2005. At any rate, Massa was also OK following his second accident, which was due to a suspension failure, while the first in exactly the same place and which looked exactly the same was caused by "...it was, I had... just locked the wheels".

Drivers were asked for their opinions about Perez's driving in Monaco, but all declined to comment. Unfortunately the cameras were pointed to the front, so it couldn't be confirmed if Perez was staring them down from the back of the room at the time.

Marking his name down in the naughty book, Alex Popov of NTR boldly stated "there are a lot of completely useless statistics", a sentiment which I think all us subscribers to the vitally important For Sure championship can agree is far wide of the mark. Rosberg won the event with two For Sure's to Massa's one, but both maestros are letting their youthful vigour slide, with Rosberg's For Sure liklihood falling to an all time low of 36%, and Massa similarly starting to struggle on 42.308%.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Canada is over and never was it more apparent in the Post Qualifying press conference that in the days of Tivo, Sky+ and that website we're not allowed to go to anymore because some braindead Copyright holder thinks going to court to ban a URL will stop anyone, holding an interview session for the benefit of 19th Century technology in the form of the printing press is a waste of everyone's time.

For the benefit of people who hadn't seen qualifying on TV (and would therefore avoid reading about this press conference until they had), Vettel was asked that given the extraordinary tricky conditions, was he pleased with the result? He confirmed that conditions, actually, had been quite tricky, and pole was a good result, but points were awarded on Sunday. This barnstorming revelation, only heard from the lips of the triple world champion at every single other qualifying conference he's ever been at in his entire life, was important enough that the question was asked twice more in succession. Girding himself, Sebastian gamely repeated exactly the same thing twice more for the benefit of the cloth eared old duffers who run the sport, possibly just on the off chance they might actually listen this time, and ask something different at some distant point in a glorious utopian future.

Sadly, that day was not Saturday, and Hamilton had to agree that pole "would have been better" and that if he had beaten Vettel's time, he would have got it. In further shocking revelations, Bottas said that the Williams was not a fast car, and slipped in the only For Sure of the day. After that, ummm oh god who gives a ****, all the questions are the same, I'd be chanting "for sure" and ripping my clothes off running round the press room at this stage if I were a driver. Dear god, reading this stuff is hard. It's so... hard.. I mean... god.... just.

*sobs*

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well after the emotional distress of the Qualifying report, we needed an emotional boost, a lift from the rain of Saturday, the opressive darkness, the sense of foreboding.

And like the virtuous call of the songbirds nesting in the St. Lawrence river, dawn broke over a warm Montreal, and served up a race of mild tedium, in which Vettel drove away at the start, and had to spend the next 70 odd laps finding ways to entertain himself, one of which was to get too close to the wall, presumably because he fell asleep.

Further down the field, it was all quite racy as Massa got off to an inspired start, only to realise early on that he just didn't have the ability to carry a full race off at that pace, and promptly settled down to get lapped by his teammate. While some backmarkers showed their usual over-optimism and either assumed the blue flags were a show of solidarity with the beleaguered EU Central Bank, or found new and entertaining ways of pointlessly cutting each other up, despite the acres of free space around them.

The day of recovery for those brutalised by the industrial grimy horrors of the Qualifying conference was capped off by the ever oblivious Eddie Jordan, who yet again seems determined to spend as much time as possible having a good time, with a healthy disregard for whether anyone else agrees with it. Bouncing around the podium, oblivious to the clouds of doom over the heads of the men on steps 2 and 3, as well as the sense of inevitability hanging over the grandstands as we watched another imperial display from Vettel and Red Bull, foreshadowing another season of hapless competitors hustling for scraps while looking like midfield players. Nobody had a single For Sure to deliver, as For Sure it looks like the season is already over.

And no matter how bad things get, no matter how grey, how boring, or how repetitive, we can say this:
Everyone's better off than Button.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Walking up to the Thursday Presser of Boredom is always an occasion where the chroniclers of this brave championship start to drag their feet like a teenager who is visiting their gran on a sunny afternoon. Thankfully, the only interesting man on the grid, one M Webber esquirette, was on the roster today and our hopes were high for an example of witty commentary, even if the Big Aussie isn't always the quickest to get his For Sure's in, he's a positive individual who's always looking forward to make progress, with a keen appreciation for the guys back at the factory.

But what's this? After dominating the headlines last weekend, the upstart Automobile Club de l'Ouest was impinging on F1's turf by making interesting announcements about sporting events, rather than tedious droning noises. And like a firecracker, Porsche walked in and disdainfully trod all over Red Bull's toes in the manner of an elderly aristocrat throwing their muddy shooting coat at a passing stable boy, by making their announcement without even consulting Christian Horner. So, that makes two drivers, a Chief Designer, a Junior Driver manager, and another sport's representative on the list of people who don't consider Christian Horner as worth wasting their breath on.

If only the BBC and Sky felt the same way.

In typical form, Webber was the focus of the questioning today, with anguished hacks clearly at a loss for any hope of a witty repartee once Webber leaves the paddock at the end of the year. While Alonso and Hamilton showed that the one-time McLaren dream team still make a good double act with 7 answers each and a photo opportunity, the weight of Mclaren's season still weighs heavily on the shoulders of Button who still failed to get off the mark, and seemed to trail off into the distance when he was asked about whether he'd considered where he'd like to drive after F1, responding wistfully that Webber appeared to have got it right, and that Le Mans was a fantastic race, with a great history, and .... managing not to sigh he soldiered on.

So on a slightly sad note it was that Webber won the first Press Conference of the weekend. May he win many more.


*Compiler's note: Although Pail Di Resta was at the press conference, his statements have been redacted for the emotional health of the chronicler.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

The patriotic crowd at the British GP were all waiting for some beam of hope from one of their home drivers and teams, since everyone knows Andy Murray is going to bottle it at Wimbledon next week, but the Spectre of Red Bull and their Germanic Dynamo loomed large over the proceedings. With Button locked in his room, crying and listening to My Chemical Romance records, sulking about the performance of his car and the rudeness of These Kids Today, Di Resta being the sort of tedious self obsessed plank nobody would willingly admit to knowing, and Chilton looking like the sort of airbrushed permatanned plastic model you'd find in a catalogue, only Hamilton was left to keep the flag flying.

So it was that the Qualifying was assumed to come down to two Teams eager to show off the superior nature of their teutonic engineering prowess, one purely German (based in England), and one Austrian (based in England). With an Autralian, a German, a Brit, and a Monagasque Finn posing as German for sponsorship purposes, we can all agree that the Germans would be well represented today.

So it was that the two rows of the grid were locked out, and although Nico looked like the man on pole, a few seconds later Hamilton showed that Mercedes gained no additional insight whatsoever about his braking problems in three days of testing by beating his teammate by half a second.

In the press conference, Rosberg could have hit his usually impressive tally of For Sures from answers given, but alas! The press pack decided to only ask him two questions, thereby fatally lampooning his chances today. Press (although not always fan) favourite Hamilton was duly asked 9 questions, but only managed a single For Sure from the effort. One can only imagine what was going through his teammate's impressively brainy head while Lewis squandered these opportunities. Meanwhile, Vettel sensed division in the Mercedes team, and showed that his ruthless tendency to maximise opportunities at the expense of a rival's weakness is undiminished, delivering 2 For Sure's, 4 Looking Forwards, and 1 mention of the factory, keen to rub Webber's faux pas on Thursday in his face.

So we go into today's race with Rosberg increasing his total, but Vettel inexorably catching him. Will he get swallowed in the race again too?

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

It's Germany already! The frenetic pace of the f1 calendar, and the immense waffling following the tyre disasters on Sunday means that the Thursday press conference was almost upon us by the time that Nico Rosberg had stopped talking on the Silverstone podium. In contrast to Damon Hill's laconic and shuffling delivery, Rosberg hopped about like the excited puppy that he is, clearly elated by the lucky win at the home of Grand Prix racing.

With Webber breathing down Britney's neck, ready to jump all over that golden hair and shove it deep into the corner for the win, Nico was clearly elated with the way things turned out and some fresh rubbers. Babbling for his life, the podium interview was almost as complicated as his citizenship arrangements. Yet again, Mercedes' rivals must hope that the FIA's decisions don't continue to go in their favour, as Rosberg's next trip to the microphone netted him an additional 3 For Sures, Alonso finally stirred himself to increase his tally, but without his bitter rival on the track he would have liked to do better in hauling back the deficit.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Having only just finished talking from the race in Britain, fans were glad to see that the first man up on the blocks on Thursday was Nico Rosberg yet again. With a good spread of drivers to choose from, the local German favourite Sebastian Vettel, the Quiet german Nico Hulkenberg, the convicted German Adrian Sutil, and the Monagasque Finn masquerading as German were joined by the effervescently vague Ricciardo and the formerly cherubic Sergio Perez.

With the usual exciting variation in questions, Perez was forced to admit that "towards the end I didn’t have good tyres" which may seem to some as a mild understatement, with McLaren's mandatory Ronspeak courses seemingly taking hold. Meanwhile the interviewer took up the baton from the booing crowds at Montreal and Silverstone, needling Vettel about his lack of wins in Germany and in July. Vettel, with his keen knowledge of F1 stats had the poor grace to point out that with 3 championships in as many years, failing to win in Germany may not be the major source of sleepless nights that many seem to think it is.

With the Thursday pressers of boredom, it appears that Heikki Kovaleinen may have found a new career by masquerading as a journalist with an assumed surname, but as none of the Caterham drivers were on hand it was impossible to tell for sure. Proving that blondes do have more fun, Rosberg was given 10 questions, and delivered 2 For Sure's to the blank mouths of his competitors, meaning he now has double the number of For Sure's compared to second place man Vettel.

It's looking like a one horse race from now on.

Slutmonkey57b

It is what it is

Well with the absence of the Master from the post qualifying press conference, reporters were hoping for someone to step up to the plate and deliver some platitudes. Sadly, they were reliant instead on Hamilton (2.247% likely to deliver a For Sure), Webber (6.557% likely) and Vettel (11.818%). So it was that not a single For Sure was delivered, meaning that despite a misjudgement from the team Rosberg hasn't lost any ground this weekend. While his For Sure likelihood has dropped to a mere 30%, it still means that unless Massa gets his finger out, a challenge doesn't look likely.

Instead we had to rely on the old reliable Webber, slagging off drivers ("Come Sunday you can have a lot of surprises and as usual we’ll be legends tomorrow night on what we should have done better.") and tracks ("I said to Charlie that we should put some of these kerbs actually in some new circuits because it’s self-policing on the exit. We don’t have this astro-turf rubbish, we have... It’s a beautiful little circuit for us to still drive "). While this is all very entertaining, it still means that in common with recent years, the initial excitement of the season with unpredictable results starts to taper off at the middle of the European leg, after the competitors start to settle into established bands of performance.

What we really need is a new spec of questioning to be brought in for Hungary, as it looks like the stresses of answering the same moronic questions may be letting drivers think about their answers more clearly, reducing the necessity to rely on "for sure"s to get through the experience.