What will I do?!!?

LegacyUser

I'm single and on a dating website, while I was browsing on this website tonight I came across my friend's boyfriend! To say I am in shock is an understatement!!
My friend is pregnant. What do I do????? I cannot believe he would disrespect her like this. If she wasn't pregnant I would tell her straight away but it's been a difficult few months for her as the pregnancy was not planned and she is only getting her head around it now.
I've taken some screen grabs of his profile as proof. It crossed my mind that it could be a joke but I doubt it is, the profile seems genuine enough, he even has a couple of pictures up, on the other hand I'm wondering how he could be so stupid??

I just don't know what to think or what I should do....help!

IrishEyes19

I really dont know what to say this. Id want to know if my partner was cheating or attempting it. Is the profile old or new. you need to be very clear on this. no opening jars of worms before you know your facts. regarding the pregnancy, I dont know much about it, havent gone through it. But obviously her and the babys health are the most important and Im not sure what shock or stress has effect wise on pregnancy, but you are right to be so cautious. You need to look into everything before you do anything. Perhaps mothers here online can be more helpful with this. But personally Id want to know. Id be horrified if I found out later. Best of luck

loca

That's a disaster. Why don't you write to him & see if he responds then you know how active he is.
Maybe that's sneaky but on th websites guys don't get as many girls writing to them

CaraMay

loca wrote: »

That's a disaster. Why don't you write to him & see if he responds then you know how active he is.
Maybe that's sneaky but on th websites guys don't get as many girls writing to them

But the intention is there as he is registered.

Op I would tell her. She needs to know. It will be a big shock but she will cope.

loca

CaraMay wrote: »

But the intention is there as he is registered.

Op I would tell her. She needs to know. It will be a big shock but she will cope.

Yep!! I agree 100%. He is keeping his options open! There is never going to be a right time in this situation. If you wait til the baby is born you may shy away again because she just had a baby... Now it's because she's having a baby. If it was me I'd probably like to know ASAP pregnant or not.
I don't envy you. You're in a very awkward position.

sffc

DO NOT just tell your friend or show her the screen grabs. Most websites like this show when the member was last online. Eg. POF when you use search .You need to find that info and show that to her too. I can 100% guarantee his defense will be it was an old one and he hadn't used it in ages and you are a troublemaker . You need proof this wasn't so.
OP - does your profile have a photo? If so I'd remove it for now or move VERY quickly as he may well see you on a " people who viewed me" yoke . Obviiously he'd get the fright of his life and delete his details.

Merkin

CaraMay wrote: »

But the intention is there as he is registered.

Op I would tell her. She needs to know. It will be a big shock but she will cope.

It could be an old profile.I agree that you need to bide your time until you have all the facts and know for definite he's using the site for dates.

CaraMay

Op is it an active profile or an old one? When was he last online?

LegacyUser

I actually feel sick with this knowledge. The profile is active, he was online last night. I don't have public pictures so he won't know I've seen him. I was tempted to contact him and see his reaction but I couldn't bring myself to it as I felt I was being really sneaky as well, maybe it's the only option though?? It's all so wrong and underhand. I just don't know what to do.

What are the chances someone has stolen his identity? Do you think he's looking for an ego boost and isn't seriously going to pursue dates? Could he just be curious but totally innocent?

wallycharlo

He would have to be exceptionally dim to keep it active and expect not to be found out!

I would imagine chances are it could well be obsolete ...

stargazer 68

wallycharlo wrote: »

He would have to be exceptionally dim to keep it active and expect not to be found out!

I would imagine chances are it could well be obsolete ...

Always astonishes me how many men (I say men as they are the only profiles I see - assume women do it too) are online and put themselves down as married or in a relationship and yet have their pics up. Dim is not even close. Even if they have themselves as single and they aren't how do they expect not to get caught?

Catphish

pregnantfriend wrote: »

I actually feel sick with this knowledge. The profile is active, he was online last night. I don't have public pictures so he won't know I've seen him. I was tempted to contact him and see his reaction but I couldn't bring myself to it as I felt I was being really sneaky as well, maybe it's the only option though?? It's all so wrong and underhand. I just don't know what to do.

What are the chances someone has stolen his identity? Do you think he's looking for an ego boost and isn't seriously going to pursue dates? Could he just be curious but totally innocent?

That is the deciding factor here as far as I'm concerned. If it was an old profile he'd forgotten about, fair enough, but this is very different. You said your friend had difficulty getting her head around the pregnancy as it wasn't planned, he obviously hasn't committed to her and the baby if he is actively using a dating website.

I actually hate the idea of you having to tell a pregnant woman something this devastating, but if you don't say something to her then you're allowing him to make a fool of her. If you decide to say something to her, please make sure she is sitting down, and calmly tell her that she needs to see something, then show her. It's unfair for her to have all of this ahead of her without her having to find out further down the line that her bf has been actively looking for other women, and may have cheated on her. If you tell her now, at least you'll have armed her with the information so she can make a solid decision for herself as to whether she wants to continue this "relationship" with him.

I don't envy your position in this, as it may cause her so much hurt. But she needs to know. Sit her down, and speak as calmly as you can, and be there to support her.

LegacyUser

Make sure it's him. I have had a fake internet dating profile made with my photos, didn't find out until somebody told me. It could be a joke or else a stranger just using his photos...it happens all the time!

I think you should make a (fake) profile yourself and do some investigating. Ask some questions. Maybe try to get some info only the real person would know...like the area he lives in/job etc...

Could indeed be him but no point in setting yourself up for a distaster!

wallycharlo

pregnantfriend wrote: »

...What are the chances someone has stolen his identity?

That raises an interesting point in such a situation; i.e. with these particular sites, how certain can one be that it is in fact the suspected person who owns the suspicious looking profile, and that it's not someone else who has an axe to grind with them for some reason?

Catphish

wallycharlo wrote: »

That raises an interesting point in such a situation; i.e. with these particular sites, how certain can one be that it is in fact the suspected person who owns the suspicious looking profile, and that it's not someone else who has an axe to grind with them for some reason?

Perhaps, but I reckon the odds are low on that one.

kylith

I'd approach him. Tell him that he can come clean about fooling around with other women, or you can tell your friend that you found his profile. Give him a chance to do the right thing.

sffc

pregnantfriend wrote: »

I actually feel sick with this knowledge. The profile is active, he was online last night. I don't have public pictures so he won't know I've seen him. I was tempted to contact him and see his reaction but I couldn't bring myself to it as I felt I was being really sneaky as well, maybe it's the only option though?? It's all so wrong and underhand. I just don't know what to do.

What are the chances someone has stolen his identity? Do you think he's looking for an ego boost and isn't seriously going to pursue dates? Could he just be curious but totally innocent?

With phone apps someone can be online even when they are out in a pub etc so it'll be hard to prove its actually his profile or not by trying to match up when he's online with his movements . The only real way is to start chatting and arrange to meet him or get his mobile via chat and call him - I know this is hard for you to do OP .
To be honest there is a chance he is just doing this for an ego boost etc but that isn't your concern - that's for your friend to decide . You just need to give her the facts .

sffc

kylith wrote: »

I'd approach him. Tell him that he can come clean about fooling around with other women, or you can tell your friend that you found his profile. Give him a chance to do the right thing.

Nothing solved - he'll choose the latter - let the OP tell the friend about the profile and make her out to be a trouble making cow .

Oryx

kylith wrote: »

I'd approach him. Tell him that he can come clean about fooling around with other women, or you can tell your friend that you found his profile. Give him a chance to do the right thing.

Or give him a chance to hide everything, deny it all, and be better at hiding his tracks in future.

Usually I dont think its a good idea to get involved in other peoples relationships, but this is a case where your friend probably needs to know about this. Though be very careful how you tell her, and be aware there could be an aftermath for you. If this guy convinces her its nothing and she stays with him, you could very well find yourself losing her as a friend because you were the bearer of the bad news.

stargazer 68

Op this is really difficult.
Unless you have solid proof - and seeing his profile online is not solid proof (could be an old one or someone else etc)
If you tell her and she confronts him - he will just say that its not him and you are 'stirring' trouble - then you are the bad guy. Trust me - I have been there!

You need to tread carefully. If it was me I would strike up a conversation with him and see how it goes. Keep the messages you exchange.

LegacyUser

His profile has been deleted. He was online this morning but when I checked just a while ago his profile was gone, I searched his username but it had no results for that name.

This begs the question was he just doing it for an ego boost, realised his error and deleted his profile straight away, if so do I need to take it any further?

To answer some people's questions - the profile was not an old one, I've been on the site for a while and I've never seen him. He was definitely active last night and I have the screen shot confirming this.

I am so surprised because he seems like a nice guy, do you think he is having second thoughts about his current relationship? Is there a chance that if he could do this once he will do it again? Is it normal for guys who are fast-tracked into a committed relationship with a baby on the way to 'act' out, get scared and seek validation on a site like this, or what to get thrills from the attention of women? I don't know, I'm just throwing it out there, I'm trying to understand why he would make a profile on a dating site?? I deperately want to believe he's not a bad guy for my friend's sake. She would be devastated but at the same time I'm fully aware that if she believes him then she could turn on me. I have never found myself in such a dilemma in my life!!!

wallycharlo

pregnantfriend wrote: »

His profile has been deleted. He was online this morning but when I checked just a while ago his profile was gone, I searched his username but it had no results for that name....

What are the chances he cames across this thread and paniced ?! :pac:

knucklehead6

pregnantfriend wrote: »

His profile has been deleted. He was online this morning but when I checked just a while ago his profile was gone, I searched his username but it had no results for that name.

This begs the question was he just doing it for an ego boost, realised his error and deleted his profile straight away, if so do I need to take it any further?

To answer some people's questions - the profile was not an old one, I've been on the site for a while and I've never seen him. He was definitely active last night and I have the screen shot confirming this.

I am so surprised because he seems like a nice guy, do you think he is having second thoughts about his current relationship? Is there a chance that if he could do this once he will do it again? Is it normal for guys who are fast-tracked into a committed relationship with a baby on the way to 'act' out, get scared and seek validation on a site like this, or what to get thrills from the attention of women? I don't know, I'm just throwing it out there, I'm trying to understand why he would make a profile on a dating site?? I deperately want to believe he's not a bad guy for my friend's sake. She would be devastated but at the same time I'm fully aware that if she believes him then she could turn on me. I have never found myself in such a dilemma in my life!!!

if the profile is gone then you saying anything could be seen as stirring sh!t, even if you have proof/screenshots.

It COULD have been friends messing.

It COULD have been a fake profile.
If the guy is good looking, someone could have swiped his pics for their profile, it happens.

It COULD have been him.

But don't delude yourself, unless you have a live video feed of him logging in, looking at womens profiles and mailing the to arrange a date, you will end up being seen as a rabblerouser if you bring this up with your friend now that the profile is gone.

njs030

It could be an old profile that he had hidden, reactivated for one last look and then deleted.
Beware about saying someone was definitely online, the only way of knowing that is if you actually received a message from them.
As someone else said, mobile connections can make it seem people are online even thought they actually aren't.
I'd suggest you leave it alone. It's gone now. Perhaps it was a final look at the other side of the fence before he settles into parenthood?
Whatever you do op be careful. If he's messing around your friend will eventually find out and it would be important that you are there for her.
Best of luck.

seenitall

Hi OP,

a horrible dilemma indeed.

This is what I would do in your shoes: I would tell your friend exactly what you saw, and tell her that the profile is gone now. But, and this is crucial, I would do it in an extremely softly softly, downplaying it approach. As in, "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, it's not even on it any more, probably it was all someone's hoax and nothing more, you know the kind of pranks lads pull on each other." I possibly wouldn't even bring the screenshot into it at all.

That way, you are really giving your friend all the power on what to do with the information; she could believe it was all a hoax (mind you, I don't believe it for a second, the oldest excuse in the book - we all know that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one!) and joke about it with him, she could choose to utterly ignore it, or she could think the worst and could go and confront him about it;

however, if you present it in the right way, I really doubt she would take the third option (the option which would most likely eventually make you a bad guy and a loser once he lies through his teeth and denies everything) and so the fallout may not be half as bad as you think, you may remain good friends for a long time to come.

The main thing is to play it light-heartedly, putting no pressure on her whatsoever.

That's what I would do, and the reason I'd do it is exactly because I wouldn't believe a word of the soothing BS I was telling her, and because if it were me in my friend's shoes, I would want to know if my boyfriend was trawling dating sites.

This way, her whole world will not be shaken to the core BUT she will be at least somewhat forewarned if and when his siht hits the fan at some point in the future (and I wouldn't bet against that happening if what he's been up to is any indication), as she should be, by a friend.

As for the screenshot, save it and treasure it like it's a gold bar, just in case the need for it arises at some point, and you can't be accused of lying.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Op please tell her.. I had this happen to me while I was pregnant..I suspected there was something going on as my oh at the time didn't hide his tracks very well but I didn't discover the extent or find proof until after had the baby.. it was devastating and looking back i would've preferred knowing before I had the baby..
For the simple reason that hormone s made me feel guilty and that I should forgive him for the baby's sake etc.. I can't really explain it but please tell her even if it's an anonymous email with the screenshots

jdsk2006

Tell her.

Magicmatilda

Will you be comfortable in her presence or their presence if you don't tell her? If I knew this about a friends boyfriend it would affect my relationship with them because I would feel like I would want to tell her. I've had this happen to me and I would want to be told. As someone previously said, just mention it, say that the profile is gone now and it's probably nothing. Don't mention screenshot unless you are accused of lying. And leave it up to her how she deals with it.

Lenmeister

pregnantfriend wrote: »

His profile has been deleted. He was online this morning but when I checked just a while ago his profile was gone, I searched his username but it had no results for that name.

I am so surprised because he seems like a nice guy, do you think he is having second thoughts about his current relationship? Is there a chance that if he could do this once he will do it again? Is it normal for guys who are fast-tracked into a committed relationship with a baby on the way to 'act' out, get scared and seek validation on a site like this

You missed any oppertunity you had. If you say something now you will end up looking like a home wrecker and a total ***** looking to cause trouble. Saying something now without any proof whatsoever will be disastrous. Don't do it, you've no idea how bad it will make you look if you have nothing to back up your claims, not to mention how it will affect your relationships with other people when they find out.

Your only choice now, if you want your friend to know, is to wait until he resurfaces. Then quickly take some screenshots of his profile and copy the link to his profile, and find a way of telling your friend fast. Yes there is a chance he will do it again if he has already done it once. It's not uncommon for guys to get scared, having a baby can be a scary thought for a lot.

I don't know why he still has a profile up, especially if he is having a baby, a bit rediculous really. Doesn't matter how old or new it is, shouldn't really have it up there if he's serious about her. And I find it very hard to believe that his profile would be hijacked, virtually unheard of really for that to happen to a guy, to my knowledge anyway. I do know people who are/were in the same situation and cheating. At the same time I know people with profiles on dating sites while having a partner, but they never cheated or would dream of it, though they never checked their profile.

I never get involved in other peoples relationships but if my partner was on a dating site regularly I'd sure as hell want to know why. Just be careful and if you decide to let her know, you better make sure his profile is active while you're telling her. Whatever you do, do not come straight out and say he's cheating. Show her the profile and screenshots, then let her decide what to do with it after. Don't get involved any further. You're doing it as her friend because you don't want to see her get hurt. Hopefully it's nothing and you were just concerned, but it might get hairy, and you don't want to get caught up in it.

Catphish

Lenmeister wrote: »

You missed any oppertunity you had. If you say something now you will end up looking like a home wrecker and a total ***** looking to cause trouble. Saying something now without any proof whatsoever will be disastrous.

Your only choice now, if you want your friend to know, is to wait until he resurfaces. Then quickly take some screenshots of his profile and copy the link to his profile, and find a way of telling your friend fast. Yes there is a chance he will do it again if he has already done it once. It's not uncommon for guys to get scared, having a baby can be a scary thought for a lot.

She didn't miss any chance, she said she DID take screen grabs. I think that was a very smart idea on her part, as until she decided what to do at least she had some kind of proof.

I never get involved in other peoples relationships but if my partner was on a dating site regularly I'd sure as hell want to know why. Just be careful and if you decide to let her know, you better make sure his profile is active while you're telling her.

It's not any more and she has those screen grabs, more importantly showing the last time he was active.

If it was active and something alerted him and shut it down, thats bad. If he reactivated an account, then thats bad. Either scenario says he's going off track in my opinion.

I think the friend should be told about it, explain all the different possibilities to her, then let her confront him herself and see what he comes up with. In the op's shoes I'd ask her to keep my name out of it till she decided what to do, but if needs be I'd stand for her. At the end of the day, this is a problem between a couple. If he doesn't come clean about even being active in the last while, then he's not going to be honest about much else.

People differ in how they react to these things, whether they work on it or end it. I'd be of the end it side of things, because I see it as a breach of trust and respect. Setting aside what I think, I think that the girl needs to be given the option of deciding for herself. Not saying anything could change her life path in the wrong direction, I know I couldn't live with that knowledge.

Lenmeister

I have to disagree. She might have screen shots, but pictures can be edited. That might sound like a lot of work but it's not that hard tbh.

Look at it from his point of view if he is accused of "looking elsewhere". He could deny it, claim the profile/pictures are fake/stolen/hijacked or whatever. Then tell her to prove that the profile/pictures are real, setup by him, and weren't edited. That it's not someone who has it in for him that made it all up just to have a go at him. It might turn into a huge argument. People make up all sorts of crap, and it could come down to her believing him or her friend - if it goes that way. You could think great she has screenshots it will be hard for him to deny them, but to be honest it doesn't really prove much. Screenshots are pictures and can be easily edited. If he denies it's him, they could end up in huge arguments. Regardless of whether it's him or not, it's a tricky situation for OP.

The only way I'd go to her is if she was a good friend of mine and we had confidence in each other, makes the situation easier, but still not easy. That's why I say to be careful. I don't want her to end up looking like she's starting trouble when she's just concerned and looking out for her friend.

I'd read over what SeenItAll/Knuckles said. We don't know why he's on the site. Our first guess is probably "looking elsewhere". He could be cheating, could be bored, looking for a rise, "killing time" etc. People do all of these. But we can't jump to conclusions about it, no matter what the evidence might suggest. The only way really to find out is for her to talk to him about it. I hope everything turns out ok.

seenitall

Where does all this "OP you've missed your chance" come from?? It's never too late to tell your friend what you saw on a website, if it could possibly concern her, is it?

That's why I said, leave the screenshot out of it. The screenshot doesn't matter (for the moment), as it's not a question of proving anything.

If the OP had come over here with having seen the guy being over-friendly and touchy-feely with some girl (but inconclusive as to what this meant, if it was a cousin, if he is merely touchy-feely and flirtatious with women in general, or if he's cheating), it would be comparable to the dilemma the OP has at the moment (no proof of cheating, and no actual photos of what she saw :rolleyes:, but having actually seen something fishy), and we would be advising her accordingly. I'd advise her to tell her friend what she saw, but lightheartedly, just the way I am advising on this.

If the OP keeps the whole thing on a very light footing, I very much doubt she would 'get into trouble' for it. Sure, the boyfriend can say she's a complete liar and what not, but frankly, that would merely confirm my suspicions about him (too defensive for someone who has no clue) and I would then be doubly glad I told my friend about what I saw. It would be much smarter of him to go along with her and laugh it off as "one of the lads played a prank on me" or "someone used my pic". No harm, no foul, the OP's conscience is clear, the friend is forewarned, and so is the boyfriend.

Chucky the tree

Now that he's deleted it I'm fairly certain the boyfriend will just claim he forgot about the account and logged onto delete it. Could be true, impossible to know but it's a very plausible excuse and I can't see anything else happening.

seenitall

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Now that he's deleted it I'm fairly certain the boyfriend will just claim he forgot about the account and logged onto delete it. Could be true, impossible to know but it's a very plausible excuse and I can't see anything else happening.

All the better.

LegacyUser

It was definitely a new account, when you log onto this site the home page lists the newest users and his profile picture was in this section, I got a screen shot of that too and it's saved. So altogether I have screen shots of this, his profile clearly showing that he was 'online now' as well as screen shots of this profile showing the date and time. I think I covered all bases. The only thing I didn't do which I probably should have is strike up a conversation with him while he was online.

I have confided in another friend about this, she is someone I can trust and we have agreed that we will not tell anyone else about it until we decide what to do because I can imagine how hurt our friend would be if she thought there were loads of people talking about this behind her back.

We are in such a dilemma, basically we are damned if we do and we are damned if we don't because both of us have agreed that we can't be around her knowing this information, we also think that we would want to know if we were in her situation. However saying all that she is pregnant so we are worried given our friend's difficult few months that further stress could have dire consquences and we don't want to cause any problem with the baby, we'd never be able to live with ourselves.

At this point he's deleted the profile, he came to his senses at least but it still doesn't explain why he would set up an online profile in the first place? I am now very suspicious of him, whether my friend chooses to believe him or not he will always have a question mark over him now as far as I am concerned.

The only other thing we could do is confront him ourselves let him know we know exactly what he was up to and scare the bejesus out of him. Maybe that will scare him into ever trying something like this again? I don't know. The only danger with this scenario is if our friend ever finds out that we knew this and didn't tell her she would kill us but on the otherhand maybe she would understand the difficult situation we were in??

My head is melted from thinking about this.

event

at the end of the day, the OP has no actual proof it was him.
Going to her mate would be madness tbh, could wreck a perfectly healthy relationship.

His picture was on a website? Well good god, have him hung at dawn so. People are seriously jumping the gun here, you have no proof whatsoever.
its akin to going to your mate and saying "a friend told me your fella was with someone else"
Madness IMO

Catphish

event wrote: »

at the end of the day, the OP has no actual proof it was him.
Going to her mate would be madness tbh, could wreck a perfectly healthy relationship.

His picture was on a website? Well good god, have him hung at dawn so. People are seriously jumping the gun here, you have no proof whatsoever.
its akin to going to your mate and saying "a friend told me your fella was with someone else"
Madness IMO

Confronting him would sort this out. If the op tells him she has screen grabs of his account which had pics of him on it, it would be interesting to see what he has to say for himself.

Scare tactics might be the way forward here. I hope for the op's friends sake that setting up the account was just a silly moment of madness and was looking for an ego boost.

irishgirl19

you should tell her. Can you imagine how she would feel if she caught him herself and found out you knew all along.

LifesgoodwithLG

Hi All, I am in a longterm relationship and living with my partner, My best friend wanted to sign up for a dating agency and asked me to help with her profile, Neither of us had a clue so I signed on to Plenty of Fish so I could see how profiles are drafted. BIG MASSIVE MISTAKE as I can not unregister, I only have my email in with no other details however for the life of me it will not let me unregister and I keep getting emails from them saying that I have . I told my partner exactly what happened as I do want him to get the wrong end of the stick.

I would echo the other posters, find out when he was last on, if he updates his profile etc. If its an old profile and you know him well I would suggest out of respect to his GF that he tries to delete it ( fingers crossed its not POF or its on for eternity ). Its lot trickier if its a new profile. Look after your friend come what may.

Best of luck OP

Catphish

LifesgoodwithLG wrote: »

I would echo the other posters, find out when he was last on, if he updates his profile etc. If its an old profile and you know him well I would suggest out of respect to his GF that he tries to delete it ( fingers crossed its not POF or its on for eternity ). Its lot trickier if its a new profile. Look after your friend come what may.

Best of luck OP

He had been on recently, but he has deleted his profile since..

ruthiepie

LifesgoodwithLG wrote: »

Hi All, I am in a longterm relationship and living with my partner, My best friend wanted to sign up for a dating agency and asked me to help with her profile, Neither of us had a clue so I signed on to Plenty of Fish so I could see how profiles are drafted. BIG MASSIVE MISTAKE as I can not unregister, I only have my email in with no other details however for the life of me it will not let me unregister and I keep getting emails from them saying that I have . I told my partner exactly what happened as I do want him to get the wrong end of the stick.

I would echo the other posters, find out when he was last on, if he updates his profile etc. If its an old profile and you know him well I would suggest out of respect to his GF that he tries to delete it ( fingers crossed its not POF or its on for eternity ). Its lot trickier if its a new profile. Look after your friend come what may.


Best of luck OP

I know this is slightly off topic but you can delete your profile on POF. IF you go to help on the top right hand side, it should give you a list of options. Click on the left, 'Remove Profile' and follow the instructions and this will remove your profile permanently. I've done this so I know it definitely works and its not a case that someone is still on it cos they can't delete their profile!!

To the OP, I know I would prefer to know if my boyfriend was on a dating website. Something is not right if he's having a look around to see what else is out there.

LifesgoodwithLG

Thank you so much Ruthiepie - you are a star, POF is no longer around to haunt me