relationship has changed me for the worse

LegacyUser

Hi all, I'll try give the short version. Myself and my partner are engaged and have a 3 yr old daughter. We had a very rocky beginning when we initially moved in together cos he's a complete clean freak and admittedly while not very messy I was relaxed about it. This resulted in many shouting matches so I've since found over the last 3 yrs that I've turned into a neat freak as well mostly just to keep the peace.. which is a good thing in a way..
My OH works very hard and constantly finds new ways to save money as we are looking to buy a house and stop renting.. I also work fulltime and pay exactly half of the bills.
But I think he has gone a bit overboard and is turning into a bully in the process.. he wants me to change my phone provider to a cheaper one that he's on... when I disagreed saying it would not be cheaper for me as all my friends / family are on same network and I've free calls txts etc, he went bananas and started screaming that I'm spending all the money and well never have a house etc.. now he wantsme to get rid of my sky box that I pay myself 29 per month for some illegal sounding box he found on the internet. When I calmly told him what I thought I got roared at again..
Then yesterday I forgot my premade lunch so had to buy myself a sandwich. which when he asked also set him off about me spending all the money and well never have a house, calling me stupid etc.
I'll admit we don't have a very normal relationship, when it's good it's great but the fights and constant nit picking have turned me into a completely different person.. I rarely go out anymore, I don't see my friends half as much as I should. Mostly nowadays when they ask to meet up im either too tired or in a foul mood from the fighting.
I used to be really laidback and easygoing but now I'm just angry a lot of the time and I end up giving as good as I get in the roaring matches..please tell me how to get out of this.. I dont want my daughter to witness any of it..
I've painted a very bad picture of him but I also need to say he is the best dad ever and has 100 good points as well... I don't know what to do !
Advice on how to explain to him and make him see he's being a bully before I completely give up and leave?
Just the other day we were discussing buying a house and having a 2nd child then bang the following day he started fighting again.

afterglow

Hi OP

To be honest, even your post title speaks volumes for me. The fact that you say you are not the same person you were anymore to me, is not good. Yes, there should be compromise in relationships without a doubt, but you should never have to change in a way that is unhealthy for you, and certainly not to keep the peace at any rate. When I moved in with my BF, admittedly it took me a while to get used to some things, but now we share all household chores at different times, one or the other of us wil buy certain groceries and not worry about money because we live together etc.
now, the part of your post that I was most unhappy to read was the part where you said your partner was getting annoyed with you for spending your own money on stuff. If you want to have your own sky box that you pay for, buy a sandwich etc, that's totally your business. Once I make my rent and other bills, and same for my bf, we would not dream of questioning or disputing what the other is spending money on. Why? Because, put simply... It is not one's business what the other does with his/her money.
You say you don't want your daughter witnessing any of this. Believe me, as someone who grew up in a very argumentative home, she already has. my earliest memories are of screaming and shouting by my parents, in fact it's all I can remember from my childhood actually. In my experience also, men like what your partner sounds like, which is someone who always thinks he's right and never wrong, would rarely if ever, see your point of view if you try talk to him. not saying it is not worth a shot, because of course it is. Every person who is abusive in this way has good points, but it doesn't make what they do right or okay on any level.
I would also be worried that your situation could get worse, so I would maybe seek some counselling to build up any self asteam you may have lost as a result of all of this. It is not nice to have someone question what you spend your own money on, or to make you feel like you are not committed to something.
He sounds bang out of order to me and it sounds like quite an abusive relationship to be honest, but I could be on my own here OP.
Do think about the counselling though if nothing else. It never hurts to have an outside perspective on things.
Very best of luck to you.

sffc

Personally I don't think any words will change his behaviour - you can explain to him he's a bully all you like ... sure ... but it won't change anything. Your choice is simple - keep living this way and put up with it or leave and maybe start another relationship in time armed with more experience.
I honestly can't think of one reason why you'd stay and put up with what you describe.

IrishEyes19

I dont think OP he has any right to be discussing a second child if he goes crazy over you buying a sandwich because you forgot your lunch. He sounds like a control freak in some cases, OP. And you need to make this very clear. maybe show him your post as it might hit home how hard you are finding this.

blatantrereg

mefeiner wrote: »

he wants me to change my phone provider to a cheaper one that he's on... when I disagreed saying it would not be cheaper for me as all my friends / family are on same network and I've free calls txts etc, he went bananas and started screaming that I'm spending all the money and well never have a house etc

He must want you to stop calling your friends and family then. That would seem to be the implication. He must think of it as a waste of money.

He's not the best dad in the world if he screams at the mother of his kids and calls you names.

I dont want my daughter to witness any of it..

How do you stop her witnessing it? She'll hear it all and she'll grow up being sad if that's what's the norm in her home.

You won't change his behaviour towards you. That leaves you with accepting it or not accepting it. I don't think it's a good idea to accept someone screaming at you over nonsense and calling you names. Best to just ditch him.

LegacyUser

From what you have told us I would not be staying with a man like this.
He wants everything his own way. I would not take shouting about the phone package your on because you have cheap calls or free texts to your family and friends.
Having an argument about you paying for a sky box that cost's you €29 a month is stupid.
If you have a small child your not going out much so why should you be stuck watching rte.
Saving €29 a month is going to move you into a house in a few months.

Your hardly going outside the house and not seeing your friends to often. I am sure they have noticed a change in you since you met him. You making excuses not to meet them as you are tired or mad of living with his constant nit picking.

At this stage I would tell him that it is over. I would not stay here any longer as long term you are teaching your daughter that it is ok to live with a man who is a bully.
You are also showing her that is ok to have her father shout at you when he is not getting his own way. In a few years time he will be doing the same to her.
If you have another child you will be stuck with him so it is time to tell him it is over.
Tell him he can move out and save for his own house as you are no longer willing to pay for the house he wants.

Oryx

Most bad relationships have good parts. Its what keeps people hanging onto them long after they should give up.

Yours sounds really unhealthy. Your fella has lost sight of what's really important, with saving and money being the be all and end all. I would imagine that when you try to reason with him, he claims he is only cross because he is trying to hard to improve things for both of you. Except in all of his economics, he doesn't seem to care for you at all, as he is willing to harrass and bully you.

You need to clear your head, I think. Is there any way you can take some time away from him? Constant fighting is intolerable and can make you exhausted and unable to see whats the right thing to do. Would a friend or family put you up for a few weeks to allow you to get some peace, reconnect with your friends and see the whole situation more clearly?

Merkin

He sounds like a miserly control freak. You'd a rocky start because of his OCD with regard to cleaning. He's now making life intolerable because of his miserly stinginess. What will it be next? The way you dress? Who you hang around with? It sounds like it's his way or the highway and this behaviour is just typical of a bully and control freak.

My main concern above all else would be your little daughter. You say that she doesn't know of your constant arguments but of course she does. Little tots of three are incredibly clued in so she is probably frightened and bewildered as to why Mummy and Daddy are screaming blue murder at one another.

You'd be mad to start trying for another child and buying a house together when the relationship sounds like it's hanging on by a thread.

Would he attend couples counselling do you think or would he be too tight arsed to pay for that as well? I think that a partner shouldn't change you but they should enhance you through loving and supporting you and nurturing you. This twat sounds like he's sucking the life out of you and making you miserable in the process hon.

kylith

This man will not change when the house it bought. You could try agreeing on an amount that would be saved each month toward the house, with what's left over after bills being considered disposable income, but I don't think it would change anything. Next it'll be saving for a car, or a wedding, or how to decorate the house, where you go, who you go with, what you wear. Then he'll start on your daughter. Do you really want her to live in a house where both her parents argue about such petty things as sandwiches, or a few euro a week for a telly box?

Catphish

mefeiner wrote: »

Hi all, I'll try give the short version. Myself and my partner are engaged and have a 3 yr old daughter. We had a very rocky beginning when we initially moved in together cos he's a complete clean freak and admittedly while not very messy I was relaxed about it. This resulted in many shouting matches so I've since found over the last 3 yrs that I've turned into a neat freak as well mostly just to keep the peace.. which is a good thing in a way..
My OH works very hard and constantly finds new ways to save money as we are looking to buy a house and stop renting.. I also work fulltime and pay exactly half of the bills.
But I think he has gone a bit overboard and is turning into a bully in the process.. he wants me to change my phone provider to a cheaper one that he's on... when I disagreed saying it would not be cheaper for me as all my friends / family are on same network and I've free calls txts etc, he went bananas and started screaming that I'm spending all the money and well never have a house etc.. now he wantsme to get rid of my sky box that I pay myself 29 per month for some illegal sounding box he found on the internet. When I calmly told him what I thought I got roared at again..
Then yesterday I forgot my premade lunch so had to buy myself a sandwich. which when he asked also set him off about me spending all the money and well never have a house, calling me stupid etc.
I'll admit we don't have a very normal relationship, when it's good it's great but the fights and constant nit picking have turned me into a completely different person.. I rarely go out anymore, I don't see my friends half as much as I should. Mostly nowadays when they ask to meet up im either too tired or in a foul mood from the fighting.
I used to be really laidback and easygoing but now I'm just angry a lot of the time and I end up giving as good as I get in the roaring matches..please tell me how to get out of this.. I dont want my daughter to witness any of it..
I've painted a very bad picture of him but I also need to say he is the best dad ever and has 100 good points as well... I don't know what to do !
Advice on how to explain to him and make him see he's being a bully before I completely give up and leave?
Just the other day we were discussing buying a house and having a 2nd child then bang the following day he started fighting again.

Hes a very controlling person, and I believe nothing you will say to him will change him. With that in mind, you have to ask yourself are you willing to put up with this for the rest of your life. I strongly suggest not going ahead with baby number 2 with this man. There is a big difference between trying to save a few quid here and there and abusing you for buying a sandwich.

He's too set in his ways to change. Calling you stupid is abuse, and your daughter can hear the fighting. Is it what you want for your child? While you get on well sometimes, it doesn't mean you're a good match. You can't be yourself in your own home, it's no doubt effecting your daughter. Kids make messes, they don't know any better. Does he give out to her too? Do you snap at her knowing he'll go loopy if he sees shes made a mess? I don't know how you've stuck with him this far.

Neyite

OP, financial abuse falls under the Domestic Violence spectrum. Its a way of controlling you - and its working to a certain degree.

Like another poster said, there will always be something big to save for. A house, a better car, a college education for your child.

Have a read at this Womans Aid list of warning signs of an abusive relationship

So far, from your initial post I've picked out the following warning signs you are with an abuser. You may find you identify with more than those.

• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.

By staying with him, you are giving your daughter the message that she should expect to be treated no better by a man when she grows up. Do you want that? Leave him.