The Girl that could get away

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don’t really know how to approach this situation, I don’t know if I want more or to leave things the way we are.
I have a female friend, I’ve known since secondary. We’re great friends, We have had our ups and downs and fall outs but 7 years later and we are great friends and I always have her back and a shoulder to cry on. I've always had a thing for this girl I have even asked her out but sadly got rejected. But that was 7 years ago. Things have changed and we have gotten a lot closer. I hang with her once a week and we’re always texting. Recently she had said to me that during the time she was with her now ex that she had been talking to me more than him. But in the same sentence she also said I’m good looking but that it wouldn't work between us because we know too much about each other to which I deflected it.

She has asked me to stay over some night and I near almost came close to getting to stay the night but had to leave . We do a lot of things that involve us being close together physically and me being me I kind of flirt with her. I’m sure there have been several occasions where there was an opportunity to kiss but I’m extremely shy when it comes to kissing plus I don’t know what the outcome would be and one thing I certainly don’t want to do is damage our friendship. I don’t know what to do. Am I reading into all this wrong because my sex drive has kicked in. Should I keep pushing forward and test the waters or should I move on and try and find a different girl… Also she knows a good bit about my sexual history and a part of me kind of worries that would make things a bit awkward..

Thanks in Advance.

Esoteric_

collegelad wrote: »

Hi,

I don’t really know how to approach this situation, I don’t know if I want more or to leave things the way we are.
I have a female friend, I’ve known since secondary. We’re great friends, We have had our ups and downs and fall outs but 7 years later and we are great friends and I always have her back and a shoulder to cry on. I've always had a thing for this girl I have even asked her out but sadly got rejected. But that was 7 years ago. Things have changed and we have gotten a lot closer. I hang with her once a week and we’re always texting. Recently she had said to me that during the time she was with her now ex that she had been talking to me more than him. But in the same sentence she also said I’m good looking but that it wouldn't work between us because we know too much about each other to which I deflected it.

She has asked me to stay over some night and I near almost came close to getting to stay the night but had to leave . We do a lot of things that involve us being close together physically and me being me I kind of flirt with her. I’m sure there have been several occasions where there was an opportunity to kiss but I’m extremely shy when it comes to kissing plus I don’t know what the outcome would be and one thing I certainly don’t want to do is damage our friendship. I don’t know what to do. Am I reading into all this wrong because my sex drive has kicked in. Should I keep pushing forward and test the waters or should I move on and try and find a different girl… Also she knows a good bit about my sexual history and a part of me kind of worries that would make things a bit awkward..

Thanks in Advance.

She said recently that nothing would work between you two. I think you should respect her opinion on the matter.

or ask her, and risk rejection and the possibility of her being annoyed that you didn't listen when she said it'd never work..

LegacyUser

See that's one of confusions when she was saying it she hesitated. said it and kinda laughed and we moved on. Just because we know each others life stories shouldn't really be a big issue personally. Like in the past year she has really come out and seems to be a different person. she's only had one Bf and i get the feeling that she has become the person who wants to be in a relationship just finding the right person. She didn't say it would never work. So i still have a chance at trying to change her mind on the fact that knowing alot about each other shouldn't stop trying to have a go now that were both maturer.. There is also the fact i get invited to sleep in her bed is that not a bit of an invite? i dont know..

Maybe your right and i should just stay in the friend zone.. But i dont want to regret not trying to win her heart.

4MeRuca

well, as it stands she's kind of away already. Getting turned down is awful and all that but would you rather always wonder about it? I say go for it. If you're really pals then it won't be that big a deal for you or her. You might not want to admit to yourself that if you didn't feel this way about her you wouldn't really be spending as much time with her as you do now. Just saying. Worst case scenario she's says no and things either stay the same or things change and you have time for someone who makes no two ways about the fact that they're into you. Those people are often a lot less stress in my experience ha.

blatantrereg

Recently she had said to me that during the time she was with her now ex that she had been talking to me more than him. But in the same sentence she also said I’m good looking but that it wouldn't work between us because we know too much about each other to which I deflected it.

She brought up the idea of you being together. She also compared you favourably [kinda] to her ex. My reading would be that her saying it would never work because you know each other too well was her way of mitigating feeling exposed, and/or encouraging you to say why it would work.

Also she knows a good bit about my sexual history and a part of me kind of worries that would make things a bit awkward..

Why?

She knows you like her. She encourages you to like her, and wants you to. That means either she's a big tease, and your friendship is a bit messed up - or that she likes you too, and would like you to ask her out (probably playing a little hard to get to try to make you a bit more forthright). My own feeling is that it's the latter. Either way you are best off going for it. If she says no I would re-evaluate your friendship though, since I really would think that she's teasing you a lot in that case.

December2012

She's letting you down. The fact she was talking to you more than her ex is indicative of their relationship, not yours.
The you're too good looking / sexual past tin - were you a bit of a player? Did you sleep with friends before? Maybe She thinks that if something were to happen it wouldn't matter emotionally to you, maybe she fears shell be just a notch on your bedpost.

If you want to be sure then you have two options:

1. Be direct and make a real move.
Or
2. Be completely indirect and work on yourself and do things that will in a roundabout way show her, and other women too, that you're a catch. This might make her more attracted to you, but it's hardly foolproof.

P. Breathnach

blatantrereg wrote: »

She brought up the idea of you being together. She also compared you favourably [kinda] to her ex. My reading would be that her saying it would never work because you know each other too well was her way of mitigating feeling exposed...

That's an interpretation worth considering. Putting it that way allowed her to mention the idea without having to put your friendship at risk.

December2012 wrote: »

...
If you want to be sure then you have two options:

1. Be direct and make a real move.
Or
2. Be completely indirect and work on yourself and do things that will in a roundabout way show her, and other women too, that you're a catch. This might make her more attracted to you, but it's hardly foolproof.

I'm a bit concerned about how this should be interpreted, especially the "make a move" element. Does that mean "grab her and plant a kiss on her"?

I like the idea of a middle way between going full-on or acting in such a way as to make her come after you. I suggest exploratory conversation. It can be difficult, particularly as you seem to want to keep her as a friend if you can not have her as a partner. I suggest that you return to what she said about it not working between you because you know too much about each other, and ask her to explain it to you. Try not to make her uncomfortable in the way you ask. Put the point to her that successful couples tend to know a great deal, almost everything, about one another. See if you can negotiate that particular objection away, and then take stock.

Even if she agrees that knowing one another so well is not a barrier, it does not follow that you have what you want. You might be one step closer. But she might have said what she said as a tactful alternative to saying "I like you, but I don't fancy you".

LegacyUser

in my opinion life is way to short to live with regret! and the dynamic of the friendship as changed as you now have sexual feelings for her, so things have changed now anyway. Ive been on both ends, and when the friend liked me i didnt go there, it was like having a security blanket and tbh i liked knowing he did but when i liked my friend and it wasnt reciprecated it was a horrible feeling and made me regret not being straight up with the friend who liked me. Anyway i think you should make her want you more, start chatting to new people and show her what she is missing, some people need a push and to be reminded of what they are missing! Normally i would suggest talking to her but in this case i think she needs to decide on her own, if after a while she does not well then your just a friend. But create situations where things can or may happen and the rest will follow or not. Dont let it go on to long to a point you are hurting over it as its not a nice place. So take action before she meets someone. best of luck :-)

LegacyUser

blatantrereg wrote: »

Why?

You could say ive experimented when i was younger and she knows that. It could be one of the parts that makes her just see me as a friend.

Thanks for all yer feedback really appreciate it. Im certainly going to take it all in and see how to approach it. We're meeting up today on a day out, I kind of hinted at her being my escort for the day. I'll see how today ends and determine whether i should keep dropping clues to get answers or take the 'make a move' approach. either way im going to be threading carefully first time going out there to try and get a girl. Its all new to me and specially when she is a pretty girl she can get more than a handful of guys to follow her if she wanted. If i manage to move from the friend zone i'll be counting on luck and yer advice

ibarelycare

I think you should try and manipulate a situation where there would be a "moment" that might result in a kiss. I don't know what you get up to together, but you probably have plenty of deep conversations. You should sit close to her (not in a creepy way, don't invade her personal space, just in a comfortable way!) and when there's a lull in conversation just smile and look into her eyes and see what her reaction is.