Can it work when theres no sexual chemistry?

ruaille buaille

Hi Ladies,

I recently became friends with a guy who is so genuine and kind and we really click together. The only thing is I dont really find him physically attractive and cant imagine actually having a sexual relationship with him.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience of getting with someone who u see as just a friend but then after a while the physical attraction would grow? Or is it the case that it would never work and I shouldnt risk ruining the friendship?

krudler

Do you mean he wouldnt be someone you'd normally go for? or you just dont think he's attractive full stop? Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't find me attractive or "got used" to me looks wise. Whatever about finding someone attractive who initially isn't your type, been there myself, trying to make chemistry out of nothing probably won't work though.

ElleEm

ruaille buaille wrote: »

Hi Ladies,

I recently became friends with a guy who is so genuine and kind and we really click together. The only thing is I dont really find him physically attractive and cant imagine actually having a sexual relationship with him.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience of getting with someone who u see as just a friend but then after a while the physical attraction would grow? Or is it the case that it would never work and I shouldnt risk ruining the friendship?

IMO, it can't work if there is no "spark", or physical attraction. This isn't something that grows, it's either there or it's not.

I was in a similar situation to you in that I had a male friend who I absolutely LOVED, and he loved me. We were essentially a couple, but with no intimacy, (went on holidays, "dates", constant contact, etc.). People kept telling us to get together so one night we got drunk and kissed. We had about two weeks of trying to be boyfriend and girlfriend but it just wasn't us. There was no chemistry at all. Thankfully, after a month or so of awkwardness, we got back to the old us. He is gay now :P

xLexie

ruaille buaille wrote: »

Hi Ladies,

I recently became friends with a guy who is so genuine and kind and we really click together. The only thing is I dont really find him physically attractive and cant imagine actually having a sexual relationship with him.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience of getting with someone who u see as just a friend but then after a while the physical attraction would grow? Or is it the case that it would never work and I shouldnt risk ruining the friendship?

My only serious relationship was with a friend who I was not attracted to AT ALL at first, but the more I got to know him the more attractive I thought he was. By the time we were actually going out, he was the only guy I was looking at!

MurdyWurdy

Yes, my husband wasn't interested romantically in him at all but thought he was a really nice guy who I wanted to get to know better, as a friend really. It was a bit awkward because I knew he liked me and I was young and didn't know how to deal with the situation without just ignoring it

Anyway, we were hanging out a bit and he was growing on me more and more but I still didn't feel like I fancied him really. He went away for 3 weeks and I really missed him which really made me think. When he came back he came over to mine and kissed me that night and it was really lovely, which I wasn't expecting. I couldn't umagine myself having a sexual relationship with him but when it started to happen it felt right.The rest is history we have a baby on the way so guess we're still doing something right!!

Friendship and really liking someone for who they are is a good start to a relationship but imo it wouldn't work if there really is no sexual chemistry. It's just that in my experience sometimes that chemistry isn't instant.

m'lady

I feel sometimes we may not be instantly attracted to someone but in time various things come to realisation, they have nice eyes, smile and so on.. And then bang! u are attracted to them, I've often called it 'joining the dots as opposed to being presented with a picture'.. Then in other cases we are simply not attracted to a person- end of. Only you can decide that, but I would advise you not to just settle!

ruaille buaille

He's definately not my usual type. But then again maybe thats a good thing! Without this coming across the wrong way - I know that a lot of men would say I was very good looking. Therefore I tend to attract good looking guys who usually treat me like crap. I would like to be with someone who treats me well. I'm not a shallow person at all but I would like to have a good sex life and be attracted to the person I'm with.
Confused as to whether I'm placing too much importance on looks or just trying to make it work with this guy because I've been hurt in the past....

Wibbs

More suitable here as it's a personal issue for you rather than a general debate.

ibarelycare

ruaille buaille wrote: »

He's definately not my usual type. But then again maybe thats a good thing! Without this coming across the wrong way - I know that a lot of men would say I was very good looking. Therefore I tend to attract good looking guys who usually treat me like crap. I would like to be with someone who treats me well. I'm not a shallow person at all but I would like to have a good sex life and be attracted to the person I'm with.
Confused as to whether I'm placing too much importance on looks or just trying to make it work with this guy because I've been hurt in the past....

Not all good-looking guys will treat you like crap. You just haven't met the right one yet. Non-attractive guys could be equally as capable of treating you like crap btw, it's nothing to do with looks.

To me it just sounds like this guy is treating you well and giving your self-esteem a bit of a boost, but that you're not really that excited by him. By all means, give it a chance for a short time and see if things change. But don't settle for him if the attraction isn't there. It's not fair on either of you.

LegacyUser

I met a guy online over a year ago.
We got on great from the start,but for me there was no spark.(there was for him.)
And I would have been the girl to say,you most definitely need chemistry from early on in a relationship.

Some months later,after an amazing friendship,I looked at him one day and thought wow!
7 months on,we have the most amazing chemistry now,and the best sexual relationship I've ever experienced, and I'm crazy about him.
It scares me sometimes to think I might have lost him because I didn't give us a chance.

Good luck.

DeltaWhite

I'm with my OH 2.5 years now and he is the love of my life, at the start however, I got on great with him, we had so many things in common but I didn't feel that spark per say.
That spark did appear though over a few weeks I felt this chemistry grow and now I love him to bits!

Worked for me - giving it time that is
Might work for you too

WittyKitty1

I once had a close guy friend- who plenty of girls thought was good looking and wanted to date him..

Personally, I never felt ANY attraction towards him whatsoever but we clicked so well together, went everywhere together and I told him everything!

One day we went to the cinema, as we usually would and after wards he kissed me and confessed that he liked me and always had and wanted us to be more than friends..

I was shocked but considered it on the grounds that we got on so well and maybe it could develop..

Basically, we went on a date and I couldn't speak to him.. It was too weird for me and it ruined our friendship for both of us because we couldn't go back to what we were.. We only started talking again about 2 years ago but we are still not good friends like before...

That's just my experience.. It could work for others.

LegacyUser

I had a friend that I didn't fancy at all. Never thought of him that way. One night we were all out together, we all got ratarsed and he kissed me. We both burst out laughing and cos we were drunk, ended up not only snogging all night but sleeping together too.

He was amazing, and I never looked at him the same way again! We've now been married for many years and I still fancy the pants off him.

So don't write him off - you never know!

4MeRuca

As a fella I'd say your way better off just not bothering with him. If I was in his situation and someone slept with me anyway I'd feel pretty let down. You get used to braces, the taste of vegetables and so on, not who your attracted to. Someone might be a good idea but if it's not who you want then what's the point? I can understand if it was someone you knew for years and you were having a hard time seeing them as something other than a friend but I think you should cut him loose. It's not gonna do either of you any good. You should try to find someone who can excite you who is just as nice. If it was the other way around would you really want someone to just try you on even though you weren't their cup of tea? I doubt it. I think you need to base who you want to be with on something a bit more solid than " well, there's nothing wrong with so and so..."

Emme

OP, I wouldn't give up just yet. Is the spark there for him?

He seems to be a decent genuine guy so if he's attracted to you and everything else is right the spark might come from your side in time.

To be honest I don't think that attraction is necessary for a relationship (from the woman's perspective) as long as the guy is decent and treats her with respect. The attraction will come with time.

ruaille buaille

Ya I'm pretty sure that he is interested in me. The other day when we met up he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek when we greeted each other. It was kind nice. I like the idea of hugging, holding hands and kissing him but when it comes to the sexual stuff I just cant picture myself doing it.

Emme

ruaille buaille wrote: »

Ya I'm pretty sure that he is interested in me. The other day when we met up he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek when we greeted each other. It was kind nice. I like the idea of hugging, holding hands and kissing him but when it comes to the sexual stuff I just cant picture myself doing it.

That sounds ok and if he's decent he won't pressure you into anything sexual until you're ready. This sounds like a different type of relationship to what you had before - ie good-looking guys who didn't treat you well. Now you have a guy who may not be so good-looking but is treating you well. Attraction takes many forms and isn't just sexual. For example, you seem to be attracted to this guy for his good qualities and for treating you well. This is a better starting point than simply finding a good-looking guy hot even if he treats you badly.

ibarelycare

OP I just want to reiterate that you should not let this go on too long if your feelings aren't changing. You do not want to lead this man on in the hopes that you will become attracted to him at some stage. Give it a chance for a few weeks but if you're still not having any sexual feelings towards him then it's only fair that you don't let things go any further.

Merkin

Have you actually kissed OP? As Cher sang back in the day "it's in his kisssss, oh that's where it is....woooooaaahoooooooooaaaaaaaa". :cool:

I think you should throw the lips on him as it will give you a good indication of whether there is even a very slight spark.

He could be the most amazing kisser ever and make you weak at the knees. Or you might want to go and have your teeth cleaned at the hygienist after. I think you should snog him regardless ad it might clarify things a bit for you.

ruaille buaille

Thats great advice. Ya I think I will just give it a little bit more time and if I dont feel anything soon I'll drop it. I really dont want to lead him on unfairly. He's a great guy and a lovely friend.
Haha I dont know if I'll kiss him to find out I think that might be a bit awkward if I wasnt sure about him. I dont want to end up in a situation where I kiss him etc and then turn around after and say eh actually noooo......