How to deal with a marraige breakup

cowslick

Hi my marraige is falling apart and i am finding it hard to cope i have 4 small children , i dont think we can reconcile our differences we said to much to hurt each other. I still love him but i know in my heart he has falling out of love with me .He talks with this other person alot and he s grown very found of her i asked him to stop but he says it s all in my head and feels he should not give her up because they ve alot in common he spends all his spare time chatting to her mostly about the day he s had and a shared work experiences they have never meet but he never talks to me or laughs with me like he does her , he cant wait to chat to her and wakes up early to start their chats . I asked him to stop as its hurting me he says its 2 years of his life and said he is fed up of my arguing and he s had enough . We have 15 years togetter and i know he in his mind cares for her more . any advise would be helpfull thank you .:mad::(:(

Merkin

Would you both be open to attending marriage counselling together hon?

cowslick

Merkin wrote: »

Would you both be open to attending marriage counselling together hon?

I would he wouldn't , he cant see the harm its done and i ve to like it or lump it basically , trying to figer it out whats best for the kids in all this as well . Thank you for replying.:(

ibarelycare

I'm really sorry to say, but it sounds like the marriage is over, in your husbands eyes anyway If he's refusing to go to counselling or do anything to try and work on things, then you can't force him. What does he say about your relationship? Has he talked about moving on? Or moving out? I think you need to speak to a solicitor about your options.

Merkin

cowslick wrote: »

I would he wouldn't , he cant see the harm its done and i ve to like it or lump it basically , trying to figer it out whats best for the kids in all this as well . Thank you for replying.:(

That's horrible. He can't just make a unilateral decision on your marriage without deciding together what's best for the two of you. Do you think he will be surprised that you want to separate? Or does he simply not care? How selfish with four kids involved. :mad:

Legal advice might be very expensive at this juncture. Might be best to consult your local citizens advice bureau who will be able to give you some free initial advice on what happens next.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/

You poor thing, it must be a horrible position to find yourself in.

sffc

Feel compelled to say that legal advice is not very expensive at this juncture - quite the opposite . Most family law solicitors will give you a 1/2 hour consultation free of charge outlining you options . Ring around and ask . My own solicitor did this and even sent on a written quotation a few days later outlining the costs if I wished to take action and continue . (This quote was honoured even though everything took far longer and was more complex than envisaged initially )
I would strongly advise you to (discreetly if you wish ) get some legal advice to know where you stand regarding the kids/family home etc now . This visit will not make the failure of you marriage any more likely . Maybe the opposite . Ignorance and fear are a deadly combination which only add to exisitng family problems . Make that appointment soon . Best of luck .

cowslick

Thank you everyone for your support and input i am very greatfull. I have asked him to cease all contact with her and he agreed , not to happy about it but i was going mad not understanding how this could have happened, i believed we were happy i was busy minding the kids and his dad and milking his cows which i could not do eveyday for the last year, our 2 youngest are only 2 and a handfull at times i ve a 10 yearold and a 7 yearold both go to football or karate 2 days a week or more so it was hard trying to keep up with eveything , i was the one who milked every day for 12years he was a contractor and worked hard himself to keep his business afloat he is a very kind hearted,, loving deep person,and doesnot make friends easy and we were very close now he is angry with me all the time, says i am always fighting with him, he does not interact with kids much now, is in a world on his phone and computer with this other women and when he looks at me i see nothing in his eyes . i will give him time and then i will have to decide whats best for our kids and us, i love him so much its so hard to think with a level head at the minute, i will leave him alone and ask him in a while what he wants but , will he tell me the truth or not because he thinks i ll take his farm and kids, i am very confused .

Merkin

There seems to be a total communication breakdown and it sounds like you really do need the help of a third party to establish whether a. there is any love there and b. if the marriage is worth saving.

He can't just refuse to attend. You need to both attend marriage counselling together to get the ball rolling either way - be it to stay and work on the marriage or to stop flogging a dead horse and separate once and for all and try and minimise the impact it will have on your children.

It doesn't sound like you'll be able to sort out just between you so I'd start looking for a marriage counsellor in your local area and make an appointment.

sffc

OP - you sound very downtrodden Sorry to be the one to say it but you have made a bit of a doormat of yourself and it needs to stop . If it doesn't the marriage needs to . Some would say it already has as he has effectively been having an affair .

Please please take my advice re:legal advice just to know where you stand and where the flashpoints are likely to be if you decide to split .

jdsk2006

He needs a wake up Call and you need space to think. Consider packing off by yourself for a week or so.....a dose of reality would do him no harm, let him Deal with Kids.

So Sorry your being treated so badly xxx

sffc

jdsk2006 wrote: »

He needs a wake up Call and you need space to think. Consider packing off by yourself for a week or so.....a dose of reality would do him no harm, let him Deal with Kids.

So Sorry your being treated so badly xxx

Desertion of the family home - he could have the locks changed when the OP got back.

ABajaninCork

sffc wrote: »

Desertion of the family home - he could have the locks changed when the OP got back.

And just as quick, the OP can call the Gards to let her in. It's the family home and neither one can change the locks unless there's agreement or a court order.

jdsk2006

sffc wrote: »

Desertion of the family home - he could have the locks changed when the OP got back.

Fair Point but as a parent of Young Kids myself id be damn grateful to see them return!! Op is carrying the brunt of the load.

May i add i would snip the internet Cable while your at it....dissolve his access to fantasy la la land

LegacyUser

At this stage you need to do the following:
a) Get all your financial and bank details together and take copies of everything. Start to take money from any bank account that you have access to and put it in an account in your own name. It is about time you had some money for all the work you have been doing over the past few years. You may need this money in the future.

b) I would make plans to go away for a few days. Tell him you need a brake as you are tried and it is about time he minded the kids. I would leave him with a big pile of washing, the frezer empty ect. He needs to know what you are doing on a daily basis.

c) When your away I would get legal advice from a solicitor who deals with family law.
You need to find out what would happen if you were to split up and what you and the children are entitled to.

d) When you come home I would tell him that you are both going to marriage counselling.
If he objects to this I would let him know that you are no longer going to be a doormat and you are not going to put up with him being in contact with her. I would also let him know that he can no longer go on ignoring the children as it is not fair on them. I am sure that the 10 year old knows that something is wrong. You may not be getting on a adults but you owe it to your children to get this sorted out.
Good Luck

loca

Who is this woman? Some randomer? Sounds a bit like he is having a full blown emotional affair with this person & ignoring what is right In front of him. Seems like he's using the Internet to escape. Have you any idea of their conversations & what views they exchange? Would love to be a fly on the computer wall.
He sounds like he's just living, like he's already emotionally checked out. I think for your sake you need to put an end to this & make a decision & it will have an impact i.e he stays & has counselling or you leave & he realise what he's lost... Either way you need to know for your own sanity. He sounds a bit depressed or Mid life crisis. I'm sorry you're going through that.

cowslick

loca wrote: »

Who is this woman? Some randomer? Sounds a bit like he is having a full blown emotional affair with this person & ignoring what is right In front of him. Seems like he's using the Internet to escape. Have you any idea of their conversations & what views they exchange? Would love to be a fly on the computer wall.
He sounds like he's just living, like he's already emotionally checked out. I think for your sake you need to put an end to this & make a decision & it will have an impact i.e he stays & has counselling or you leave & he realise what he's lost... Either way you need to know for your own sanity. He sounds a bit depressed or Mid life crisis. I'm sorry you're going through that.

They other women is a farmer and on boards , he was pleading with me yesterday to let him talk to her their is a friendship their between them but they only talk farming and every day stuff he never mentions us to her yet he knows every thing about her how she give brith to her children all c-sections, he thinks her husband is a plank, she makes him laugh and smile and as he says its a 2 year relationship,he is very emotional towards her and nasty to me if i say anything, or have an opinion on the subject he says im fighting, he will not talk to me what so ever, i do get angry with him, for not telling whats really going on, i dont know what he wants you are right he is living in lala land and in his mind im stupid and says nasty things to me in bed as well . I know its over and i feel terriable i give him 15 years and love him so much , he is depressed and on tablets for it , if i leave he will always blame me and will never see what he s doing is wrong and if its nothing like he says why be nasty to me why is he soooooo sad about it{ not able to pm her } should i ring her he has her number now and have a chat and tell her to leave him alone and find someone else to pm .:(

ibarelycare

This is a horrible situation Forcing your husband to stop talking to this woman is not going to work. He obviously already resents you for it and is acting like a child. He's not going to change unless he wants to, and he obviously very much does not want to. I don't see how this can be reconciled, even with counselling. If he does go, it's obviously going to be against his will. It sounds like he checked out of your marriage, your whole family actually, a long time ago.

You say you love him but I think you love the person he used to be. Look at him now. He doesn't give a crap about you or his own children, he is having an emotional relationship with another woman and stomps about like a child when he's not allowed talk to her, he's nasty and immature. You DO NOT need to be with this person. You deserve so much more. You need to start being assertive, realise that you love yourself and your children, and they're the people you should be putting first.

I'm so sorry to be blunt, I really really feel for you and I hope you have at least one close friend or family member to lean on at this time. I don't think you should contact the other woman. Tbh I don't think it's going to make any difference. Your husband has made it clear that he does not wish to cut contact with her.

Please please talk to a friend and talk to a solicitor. The marriage is over, it's time to leave that dead weight behind and take time to work on yourself for a bit. You will be happy again, I promise.

loca

Emotional affairs are as damaging as physical affairs... See the way he knows all the little things about her life, all the details... Is t that the stuff we speak to our own partners about... We come home & we talk a out our day all our little issues in life.
He Is doing a very good job on one front and that's in hurting you. He probably thinks that because you know about it that it's not cheating... But it is... He may as well be having the physical affair because then at least you may be strong enough to leave. You do deserve someone to cherish you and the little things that go on in your everyday life. Your children deserve a father who has a two hour chat with them in the evening & not an online chat session.
This woman must have intentions of her own. I would be inclined to find out more. If you speak to her it will probably do no good on your side... He Won't thank you. I think you should think about your kids & put it to him that your marriage is worth fighting for .. That you want to connect with him again & help him through his hard times as a couple united. That he is hurting your family whether he believes it or not & then I think you should go ahead whether he wants to join you & have some counselling so that you can make an informed decision with a clear & strong mind on how you want this situation to go. You need to realise your self worth because it sounds like your a little broken on the inside & you need to be in tip top condition to get you and your boys through this... With or without his help. People don't get together overnight & they certainly don't break up overnight.
You're worth more than this treatment for definite x

sffc

OP - I never cease to be amazed at the number of people who think anything will be solved by visiting the "other woman" and warning her off . You are deluding yourself if you think she is the problem - she isn't . If it wasn't her it would be someone else .
Really sorry but the more you write the more I feel your marriage is over . You really have to take the initiative now but that doesn't include any contact with this woman .

LegacyUser

Farming can be a very isolating occupation as you probably know yourself. I actually think it's great that message boards allow farmers to connect with each other and discuss their lives in general aswell as farming related activity.
It is a male dominated occupation and I think it's natural that some of the women involved in farming can also adopt more masculine mannerisms, get involved in the banter etc. So there can be a sense of 'We're all in this together, lads'. Now, while are partners are entitled to befriend whomever they choose, male or female, it is interesting that he has formed a closer attachment with a woman rather than any of the other male farmers. Having said that it is still possible that the lady in question might simply regard him as just a friend, like one of the other lads, and might even be unaware of the strength of the attachment your husband has developed for her.
So this is really an issue that your husband needs to address and to be honest with you about his feelings around this friendship. If you re-affirmed boundaries regarding what you find is acceptable within the relationship and if it simply remained a platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex with similar interests, would you be able to live with that? Or maybe you feel the line has already been crossed by your husband and the damage has been done. Only you know the answer to that.

Catphish

cowslick wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your support and input i am very greatfull. I have asked him to cease all contact with her and he agreed , not to happy about it but i was going mad not understanding how this could have happened, i believed we were happy i was busy minding the kids and his dad and milking his cows which i could not do eveyday for the last year, our 2 youngest are only 2 and a handfull at times i ve a 10 yearold and a 7 yearold both go to football or karate 2 days a week or more so it was hard trying to keep up with eveything , i was the one who milked every day for 12years he was a contractor and worked hard himself to keep his business afloat he is a very kind hearted,, loving deep person,and doesnot make friends easy and we were very close now he is angry with me all the time, says i am always fighting with him, he does not interact with kids much now, is in a world on his phone and computer with this other women and when he looks at me i see nothing in his eyes . i will give him time and then i will have to decide whats best for our kids and us, i love him so much its so hard to think with a level head at the minute, i will leave him alone and ask him in a while what he wants but , will he tell me the truth or not because he thinks i ll take his farm and kids, i am very confused .

If he's told you this, then you must realise that this is the only reason hes not splitting up with you. He's treating you cruelly, and if he won't agree to go to marriage counselling then you have to see your solicitor. Prolonging this will only hurt you more, put an end to it all.