What would you do?

LegacyUser

Getting married soon & the last few days have been awful following a huge uproar after his family found out that my friend was reading a reflection piece at the wedding. They feel highly insulted that a certain member of his family wasn't asked & other family members felt "embarrassed" to partake in other parts if the ceremony, knowing that someone who wasn't a family member is doing the most important piece. So eventually I gave in (I actually haven't been in direct contact with them regarding this, it's all what he's relayed to me) & said that his sister could do it, but I'd like them to know that I was very hurt by it all. (Lots of nasty stuff was said). So yesterday they were told of the change & when I arrived it was as if nothing had happened. No acknowledgement that I would have to tell one of my closest friends that she's not considered important enough so she's dropped.

We had huge rows over the weekend, and herein lies the crux of the problem, I've seen a new, cruel hurtful side to him that really didn't hold back on insulting me or my family. No commitment to standing by future decisions that we might make together (it was he who suggested my friend to read the reflection btw) and a constant assertion that he doesn't want people to think he's my lapdog. He's certainly not my lapdog.

I'm concerned that this is setting the scene for our marriage..,, I suppose I just want people's thoughts on the situation? (Thanks for reading!)

Hardonraging

Marriage like a relationship is built on trust and compromise, it sure sounds as if he's being influenced by several factors, family, and his own feelings etc ..

If you are concerned that his behaviour and unwillingness to compromise will effect your relationship / marriage in the future then discuss it with him, better to face it now, as opposed to dealing with a divorce in a few years time ...

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply. We have discussed it, and my only reason for digging in my heels about the reading was because I am concerned that it's setting a precedent. And he has said that he's not willing to promise that he will stand over decisions that we make together, as he may realise that they are "wrong"- in that they don't suit his family

ibarelycare

Firstly, there's no way you should have backed down and given into his family's demands. That's just setting a precedent for the future.

Secondly, is this the first time you've ever experienced a situation like this with your husband and his family? Have there been any issues in the past?

Your husband needs to understand that you and him are a team. He's the one who suggested your friend do the reading, so why couldn't he stand up to his family? I think you need to sit down and have a long and frank talk. If things have blown up like this over something so small, what are they going to be like in the future? How much are his family going to interfere if you have children?

Pollyannastights

Pollyannastights wrote: »

and a constant assertion that he doesn't want people to think he's my lapdog. He's certainly not my lapdog.

I had an ex like this once. It was born of sheer insecurity and wanting to pander to absolutely everyone else. It's not about you, it's about him.
You need to sit down and have a talk, because how are you ever going to trust him to stand by your side when he refuses to, or makes snide remarks to you about a decision he made? If the wedding is soon, I would postpone it until you have talked firmly about this, perhaps gone to couples counselling together, and sorted it out once and for all.

Merkin

ibarelycare wrote: »

Your husband needs to understand that you and him are a team.

I echo this a gazillion times over. This is the crux of the issue here. Marrying someone is such a big step and one of the greatest things about being married is being a solid, supportive tight-knit little unit where decisions are discussed and made together and where you have each others backs.

The fact that he did this would worry me and I'd be having a very big and serious chat about it with him.

username123

Ouch. Thats not good.

The part that stands out is him saying that he doesnt want to be seen as your lapdog - what an odd way to perceive your status in a relationship. Even if he were someone who actually was wanting you to do whatever you wanted - surely that would mean being seen as someone who loved their partner - not a lapdog?

And allowing his family to bully his bride to be - I have to be honest here and say that I personally would be reconsidering things after that. You are he are about to make your own family unit - he should be looking after the interests of YOU as his family and not his family of origin.

I presume there have been warning signs regarding his family?

You know, you dont have to go through with the wedding as things are. You could always delay things. Things can be postponed, give you time to have a think about what you really want. It would be better to postpone this than go ahead unsure as it is harder to get out of it than go into it.

I would be very concerned about later levels of interference from his family, if you have children himself, are you going to be backing down on where they go to school, what activities they do, how religious events are organised - at the whim of your mother in law?

Your partner should be able to stand up to his family, and if he is not standing up to them about this, one of the most important events of his life - it doesnt bode well for the future.

You need to sit him down for a very frank talk - no rows.

I have attended 2 weddings in recent years that broke up within 2 years of marriage, in both cases my friends claim they had reservations before the wedding but went ahead because it was all planned, they thought itd be ok, they thought things would change etc.... Both regret not delaying at a time when they still could.

username123

Pollyannastights wrote: »

And he has said that he's not willing to promise that he will stand over decisions that we make together, as he may realise that they are "wrong"- in that they don't suit his family

I couldnt accept this of my husband. If this is how he wants to live he should marry his mammy.

Hannibal Smith

Wedding preparations can brig out the worst in everyone. Sometimes its more about the family than the couple.

Neither my husband or I were really fussed about the little details we just wanted to be married and have a good day. But the families Omg!!! They tortured us for the whole time.

Anyhow sometimes you wonder if this is a sign of things to come, and if it is what do you do? Is it worth ending a relationship or do you find a way to deal with it.

The way the family has treated you is out of order and your fiance has laid down what how he may react in future and you are perfectly entitled to do the same.

Have a calm talk with your fiance and explain that tantrums from his family in the future will not change your position and you are only doing it now to keep the peace and have a happy day. From the wedding date forward you expect to be a unit and that you make a decision together and stick to it, despite outside influence.

It will happen...when t comes to pregnancy, babies, schools etc...everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing so you have to stick together.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all your replies, and ye hit the nail on the head when ye said what will it be like if we have kids. Ye have also made me realise that I was utterly bullied into dropping my friend. (Ultimatums like if you loved me....)

I need a good think.

sffc

Sorry, but you were blackmailed pure and simple - the sister did the reading or none of his family would take part . That was the threat , implied or otherwise . Your fiance stood by and let this happen . Worse he didn't defend you by revealing it was his initial idea ? Aren't you the lucky girl to see this before the wedding rather than after !

Listen to those doubts .You are right - there will be other bigger more important life changing decisions to be made in the next few years .This is strong indication that he will lend most weight to his families feelings and may even reverse decisions jointly made with you .

Postponing/cancelling a wedding may be difficult but getting out of a marriage in this country is way more difficult - legally, financially and emotionally. Think very carefully , this is a major decision . The obvious "test" would be to postpone the wedding for a while - maybe for a quiet one abroad . Have you got the guts to see will he still want to marry you ?

MeriMeri

It is a difficult situation but weddings really bring out the worst in people. Is there any way that both your future sister-in-law and your closest friend could do readings? If they are both invovled, everyone is less unhappy than the current situation.

LegacyUser

Originally I was lead to believe that this might be an option, but as I compromised more it became very clear that it wasn't. They want her dropped like a hot snot as they say.
Compromise is a very loose term in this situation I feel!

username123

Pollyannastights wrote: »

Originally I was lead to believe that this might be an option, but as I compromised more it became very clear that it wasn't. They want her dropped like a hot snot as they say.
Compromise is a very loose term in this situation I feel!

No, I think they understand the term compromise - but ALL the compromise has to come from you!

I can only echo sffc, getting out of a marriage is far more difficult than getting out of a wedding.

Incidentally, my mother and brother in law started interfering for my wedding so we cancelled it all (without telling them) and eloped abroad a couple of months before we were due to be married - they first they knew of it was the phone call that evening telling them we were Mr and Mrs. The only people who expressed any negative sentiment at all were the two who had tried to interfere.

LegacyUser

I don't believe in this 'Weddings bring out the worst in people' analogy, as though it's some sort of get-out clause for being a bully and it's certainly not the way adults I know operate.

Both your husband-to-be and his family have blatantly disrespected you and shown little or no regard for your feelings for your own wedding day.

I understand that you must be feeling emotionally fraught right now but it's vitally important that you sit down and have a calm, rational and honest discussion with your other half.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are upset and surprised by his recent behaviour and make it clear that that's not the man you want to marry. Explain that you need his support and that as husband and wife you expect to be a team who prioritise each other.

Most importantly, mean what you say and make sure he knows it. He's about to become your official life partner and if he can't be trusted with your happiness, who can?

LegacyUser

We have tried to sit down and have a calm chat about it, but the only solution for him was making the change, as he didn't want a wedding where his family didn't want to be there. Any attempts at calm have degenerate into "if you loved me...." And similar ultimatums.

I completely agree when you say that the weddings bring out the worst in people is no excuse. Surely sleepless nights & crying babies will bring out worse??

username123

Regardless of the situation the "if you loved me...." emotional blackmail is not a healthy way to resolve conflict in a relationship.

I think you know that you are facing big problems here if you just carry on as is.

LegacyUser

hmm, well i'm in the camp of people who DO believe the weddings bring out the worst in people, but the previous poster was right too in that a bully is a bully regardless of whether there's a wedding or not.

but OP what stands out to me far more worryingly than him pandering to the demands of his family is his use of the ''if you loved me'' line. that's not the basis on which to build a strong healthy relationship, never mind a marriage. emotional blackmail is not an acceptable way to treat someone you love. did ye do a pre-marriage course? was things like mutual decisions and compromise discussed during it? would he agree to see a couples councellor?

as for the lapdog comment, that to me reeks of him projecting some kind of conflict he's having not being able to stand up to his family onto you. they call him your lapdog when they see you both making a decision they don't agree with - he proves them wrong by siding with them - but you're the one that gets hurt. uggh. i'm so sorry you're having to go through crap like this in the run up to your wedding and you but you have some serious thinking and straight talking to do.

Taltos

I guess OP what it comes down to is this. Do you want

a) an adult who will support and work through issues with you?
or
b) a child who throws a strop and every trick in the book rather than stand up to their mommy!

Personally right now forget about the role in the ceremony I would be giving some serious thought about what comes next.

ibarelycare

OP how long before the wedding? I think it's really important to get some couple's counselling before then.

ibarelycare

ibarelycare wrote: »

How much are his family going to interfere if you have children?

As others have said, this is what I'd really be worried about OP. Do you really want them ganging up on you and making decisions about your future together? It seems that they had no qualms in making themselves part of your wedding and disregarding what you wanted.

It's one thing to disagree with what you had planned for the wedding (although it really is none of their business), but to actually be insulted that they're not getting to call the shots and be put first is unacceptable.

As for the comment about not being your lapdog, it sounds more like he's demanding to be top dog. Maybe he's expecting certain things to be different once you're married. Things like him being the "boss". I'd strongly suggest you discuss this with him. If you don't set him straight about this there could be huge problems down the line.

LegacyUser

A few weeks...

seenitall

Hi OP,

what would I do?

Well honestly, for me it wouldn't be much of a dilemma, I'm fairly certain that in your shoes I'd be falling out of love very quickly and very definitely. There could hardly be anything more off-putting to me than a spineless, passive-aggressive mammy's boy, and I'm sorry to say that that is the picture your posts paint of your husband-to-be. I really AM sorry to say that, this situation must be horrendous for you.

I understand the above is easy to say for me, and that, when you love someone and imagine spending your life with them, breaking up is the last option. So look into at least postponing the wedding, and working on your voice being respected within this relationship.

Also, this isn't the first time that I have read in RI about a power struggle such as you have there (because that is what it is about, the power balance in the relationship) right around the time of the wedding. Getting married seems to be the time when certain people (who are obviously insecure, immature, and should be nowhere near making a permanent commitment to being in a couple) start to think about 'setting the standard' for the married life, i.e. "my way or the highway" philosophy of relationships, which is neatly encompassed in the emotional blackmail of "If you love me, you'll back down/do as my family says/do as I say".

I would NOT be marrying this person if I were you, OP. He sounds too immature to make a good husband to anyone (except, ironically, to a lapdog).

Best wishes for your future, whatever you decide.

Hannibal Smith

Pollyannastights wrote: »

We have tried to sit down and have a calm chat about it, but the only solution for him was making the change, as he didn't want a wedding where his family didn't want to be there. Any attempts at calm have degenerate into "if you loved me...." And similar ultimatums.

I completely agree when you say that the weddings bring out the worst in people is no excuse. Surely sleepless nights & crying babies will bring out worse??

What?? they weren't going to the wedding if your friend was doing a reading? To be fair I feel sorry for both of you now . its not as easy as he should be standing by his woman....his family were holding him to ransom. How could he possibly take sides.

Weddings can bring out the worst in people....I've had a wedding and 2 kids since and nothing hacked me off more than my inlaws over the wedding. They're extremely helpful with the kids and haven't been a shade as bad as they were over the wedding. Its not an excuse for how you've been treated though, and I dont think anyone tried to suggest otherwise.

Its his family who has him over a barrel and you really have to make it clear to him that kind of carry on is unacceptable to you.

LegacyUser

Oh they were always going to the wedding, so he thinks they were very decent in not saying that they wouldn't go. But they went to great lengths to say that they would be embarrassed to be there when someone who wasn't family was contributing to the ceremony. They feel it makes him look like he doesn't want them involved at all.

Hannibal Smith

Pollyannastights wrote: »

Oh they were always going to the wedding, so he thinks they were very decent in not saying that they wouldn't go. But they went to great lengths to say that they would be embarrassed to be there when someone who wasn't family was contributing to the ceremony. They feel it makes him look like he doesn't want them involved at all.

Is there none of his family involved in the wedding ?

LegacyUser

Instinctively I am on your side OP but I'm going to play devil's advocate for purposes of clarity if nothing else and also because none of the rest of us here know the history of your relationship with the family or your general attitude towards them.

My point being that sometimes people can feel genuine hurt if overlooked to play a part at family occasions -does your husband-to-be have an only sister that you left out in favour of a friend? Because in the same way that you expect your husband to prioritise you as his new family, it's not unreasonable for his family to expect similar acknowledgement.

The lapdog comment -you state definitively "He is certainly not my lapdog" -how do you know your boyfriend doesn't feel that way, have you asked him? Because those comments don't usually just come from nowhere and have often been suppressed for quite some time before being spewed out

Finally, when you decided to change things to accommodate your fiancé's and family's wishes, was it really necessary exacerbate the situation by making sure they knew you were hurt? If you're going to do something, do it with good grace because being a martyr isn't exactly healthy either and only serves to create more tension.

I'm not trying to blame you at all but there are almost always two sides to every story and with such a crucial decision at stake, it's important to be as objective and impartial as possible

LegacyUser

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Is there none of his family involved in the wedding ?

His brothers are groomsmen, his nephew is pageboy, and his other sister had also been asked to do a reading.

The reflection was the only piece that wasn't being done by a family member.

LegacyUser

He says that he doesn't want to be seen as my lapdog, and goes to great lengths to make sure of it.

I understand that his family felt overlooked, but I felt that how they handled it was hurtful and disrespectful. I want them to know that I was hurt, so that they might understand that this is not an appropriate way to go about things, and I also feel that they could have accepted our decision rather than pushing for the situation to e changed

Pollyannas tights

Pollyannas tights wrote: »

The reflection was the only piece that wasn't being done by a family member.

So your bridesmaids are the only people that are there on your side? Is anyone saying anything for you?

It sounds like the only thing his family have to be embarrassed about is taking over your wedding.

Merkin

How soon is the wedding OP?

username123

Skittles456 wrote: »

Because in the same way that you expect your husband to prioritise you as his new family, it's not unreasonable for his family to expect similar acknowledgement.

Im sorry I cant agree with this (I know you are playing DA but...) - its totally unreasonable for his family to expect any priority treatment. They should be grateful if they are asked to be involved at all, not have an expectation that they will be and then a strop including bullying behaviour if they are not.

His family should expect the OP to prioritise her husband - not her husbands family.

Hannibal Smith

Pollyannas tights wrote: »

His brothers are groomsmen, his nephew is pageboy, and his other sister had also been asked to do a reading.

The reflection was the only piece that wasn't being done by a family member.

That really is incredible of them. particularly as one sister is already doing a reading.

What would I have done? given the circumstances I would have kept my friend doing the reading.

As it is now...could you give the job back to your friend? And as for your doubts with your fiance...that's a decision that's up to you....but I think I might put it off fora while...or maybe even suggest that might even show them how peed off you are.

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

So your bridesmaids are the only people that are there on your side? Is anyone saying anything for you?

It sounds like the only thing his family have to be embarrassed about is taking over your wedding.

No, my brother is doing a reading, and both mothers are bringing up the gifts. It was quite equal & he wasn't too bothered about a reflection, & suggested this particular friend do something.

Big Bag of Chips

Pollyannastights wrote: »

...he's not willing to promise that he will stand over decisions that we make together, as he may realise that they are "wrong"- in that they don't suit his family

Of your entire thread, this is what stands out for me.

This is very dangerous, OP. He is telling you now, that his family will get the final say on decisions affecting your life.

'Children' often find it difficult to stand up to their parents. But as we grow older and mature and forge our own lives, most of us, at least, try.

I would be worried that in future your life will be dictated by them giving him the guilt trip, emotional blackmail line, and him coming back at you with 'well if you loved me..'

What about if he loves you? Where does that come into it? If he is going to allow decisions made by you as a couple to be changed because they don't "suit" his family, where is the respect for you as his wife, and for future children you may have?

This is one small incident, and in isolation probably isn't worth falling out over or postponing the wedding.

But if it is a pattern of behaviour you are noticing, then maybe it's something to think hard about...

Edit: maybe if that one sister was the only member of the family who wasn't involved, I can (almost) see their point. But your fiance should have been the one to say, it was his idea to include your friend in the first place. And then apologising to them, and you, and your friend, for overlooking his sister. He should not be making you feel bad for a decision he made to begin with.

Oryx

The whole reading thing is a storm in a teacup. Every wedding has stuff like this where people overreact and get offended over pretty minor things. Its the stuff of nightmares.

But your problem isn't the reading or the friend or the sister. Its your husband to be.

He rolled over completely when pressurised by his family, to your detriment.
He has issues over being your 'lapdog'. Mature adults don't think like that about their partner.
He used the 'if you loved me' line. A very sneaky bully tactic.

Forget the minutiae of the wedding. Your fella is what you need to sort out. There are some pretty messed up attitudes and behaviours going on with him that could lead to all sorts of issues after you are married. He is showing a level of immaturity and insecurity that is going to be the bane of your life unless you both tackle it.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

The whole reading thing is a storm in a teacup. Every wedding has stuff like this where people overreact and get offended over pretty minor things. Its the stuff of nightmares.

But your problem isn't the reading or the friend or the sister. Its your husband to be.

He rolled over completely when pressurised by his family, to your detriment.
He has issues over being your 'lapdog'. Mature adults don't think like that about their partner.
He used the 'if you loved me' line. A very sneaky bully tactic.

Forget the minutiae of the wedding. Your fella is what you need to sort out. There are some pretty messed up attitudes and behaviours going on with him that could lead to all sorts of issues after you are married. He is showing a level of immaturity and insecurity that is going to be the bane of your life unless you both tackle it.

Absolutely.

And to clarify, there were three members of my family with no role, and three of his, it wasn't as if we were choosing to omit one person.

My biggest concern is, as highlighted above, my future husbands way of dealing with it.

seenitall

Pollyannastights wrote: »

Absolutely.

And to clarify, there were three members of my family with no role, and three of his, it wasn't as if we were choosing to omit one person.

My biggest concern is, as highlighted above, my future husbands way of dealing with it.

Your concern is very justified, OP.

Don't get married without asserting some boundaries with your fiance. No emotional blackmails of "if you loved me" kind, and you two are a team where you both stand by the decisions that you have made together in the face of any outside influence, even his precious parents.

Since he has already shown where he stands on the above issues, however, I don't think he will like it one bit.

ElleEm

OP, I really feel for you. I can't imagine how you must feel so close to the wedding.
You should be in absolute lovely bliss right now, not questioning what type of husband your fiance will be. You should not enter into the marriage with ANY doubts... divorce is a nightmare in Ireland.

The way I see it, is you have a few weeks to discover if your fiance will really deal with every difficulty in a similar manner. It was so out of order for him to resort to insulting you and your family. It shows a nasty side, and he needs to firstly, apologise for this. The fact is, his behaviour has resulted in you asking strangers for advice on how to proceed. This is so worrying and he should be aware of exactly how he made you feel. You need to speak with him ASAP, this isn't something I imagine can be fixed in one chat.

CaraMay

I would postpone the wedding, get some relationship counselling and then make a decision. If he is showing a mean and nasty side now then the last thing you should do is tie yourself to a man like that for the rest of your days. There is no good excuse for his behaviour.

a posse ad esse

I agree that the wedding plans need to be postponed as the posters suggested.

There are a couple of things that you need to really consider. How long have you been with your fiance altogether? How long have you planned this wedding for? The reason I am asking these questions are because his behaviour did not come "out of the blue". There must have been other disputes or disagreements in the past. How were they settled then? Did you perhaps overlooked at some of his behaviours and now with the wedding you are starting to open your eyes more? You really need to take a step back and a deep look into what was your relationship like from the start because there could have been signs that you've missed.

What really got me reading your posts were his comments to you. They are quite frankly hurtful and that of an emotional bully. I just hope for yours and his sakes that they are not a testament of his true character although not excusable he may have just buckled under pressure which are things he needs to work on himself. Everyone has their moments in time when they are overly stressed but this doesn't give someone the right to speak or treat somebody that way. And imagine if you do marry him, I will assure you it will only GET WORSE if he doesn't do something about his behaviour. If he denies that he has done anything wrong, you need to run very fast.

I am truly sorry that you are going through this at such a difficult time. I suggest not only couples counselling but perhaps counselling for yourself to help you make an important decision on how to proceed and the counsellor could help assist you to see if there are other troubling signs that you've missed.

mewe

I'm a bit wary of giving advice here because all i'm getting is a snippet of your relationship with your fiance.
However the fact you have doubts isn't the best of starts to a marriage. There's people saying to seek relationship counselling which is sound advice if you really are determined to make this relationship work.
For me though i think it should be easy and you should have no doubts over trusting him to stand by you when issues like this arise. Or even the fact he's worrying about being seen as your lapdog is a bit odd in my opinion. When you're at the stage of marrying someone i don't think these doubts should exist.
However i don't know what ye're relationship is truly like and weddings with all the planning that goes with them can be very stressful.
I wish you the very best of luck OP.

P. Breathnach

I'll be blunt, OP. I'm old enough to be your father, and if I were actually your father I'd be doing everything I could to stop the wedding.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies. To all that have suggested postponing the wedding, I really don't think that's an option as I know I wouldn't be forgiven for it, and considering that when I was reluctant to change the readers my commitment was questioned I think it would be questioned again!
But even just reading through all the replies, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was bullied, in this and a couple of other situations. I've obviously made it clear that I can be broken down with a bit of emotional blackmail!

Again, thanks for all the replies & advice, much appreciated.

December2012

You don't have to postpone the wedding to work this out.

I think you should both go and talk to a relationship counsellor to work on both of your insecurities.

Merkin

Pollyannastights wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies. To all that have suggested postponing the wedding, I really don't think that's an option as I know I wouldn't be forgiven for it

Who won't forgive you hon? His family? Stuff them. They've had for too much influence as it is. What matters now is you and your future husband and you want to be damn sure you're doing the right thing before going ahead with such a big commitment.

P. Breathnach

Pollyannastights wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies. To all that have suggested postponing the wedding, I really don't think that's an option as I know I wouldn't be forgiven for it, and considering that when I was reluctant to change the readers my commitment was questioned I think it would be questioned again!
...

You are worried about your commitment being questioned? By a man whose commitment to you looks to be secondary to his commitment to his family?

Think about it.

miss no stars

Pollyannastights wrote: »

To all that have suggested postponing the wedding, I really don't think that's an option as I know I wouldn't be forgiven for it, and considering that when I was reluctant to change the readers my commitment was questioned I think it would be questioned again!

All the more reason to postpone. If they can't consider you in all of this they really couldn't care less about you. Do you really want to make that permanent?
And if your commitment gets questioned there's a very simple answer. "Yes, you're right to question it because I'm not sure I want to commit to a situation where I'm bullied and emotionally blackmailed, not just by in-laws but by my husband himself and where nobody takes any consideration of me or of my family and friends." Your fiancée needs a wake up call. Does he love you?

Oryx

Postponing a wedding is a massive thing to do, so lets presume you're not going to do that. I'm sure you and your partner have a lot of love and a lot of positives that we are missing here. But your last post is alarming:

I know I wouldn't be forgiven for it....when I was reluctant to change the readers my commitment was questioned.....

You need to stop being so obliging, and instead, consider YOUR feelings and YOUR life. This marriage you are entering into is a long term gig. (Its not about this wedding which in the scheme of things is a minor blip) If you already feel bullied, and like your partner and his family are domineering, then you need to learn to assert yourself. At the moment, the pattern is being set where you are the one who gives in when there is disagreement, because you're up against more than one opinion, and some pretty underhanded tactics, tbh. So for an easy life, you give up what you want. If you continue in this pattern, there will come a time when youre going to end up pretty unhappy. You need to learn to say 'NO! This time, this is what I want' and stay strong even if you get flak.

If your partner is used to you giving in, he will naturally resist change, and may well try ever more extreme tactics to put you 'back in your box' when you are refusing to back down. But if you guys have a good relationship in other ways, and love between you, then you can get past his tendency to force his (or his family's) ways on you. This isnt about you always getting your way either, its about balance. At the moment, it sounds like that balance is a bit skewed in your partners direction.

Pollyannastights

Pollyannastights wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies. To all that have suggested postponing the wedding, I really don't think that's an option as I know I wouldn't be forgiven for it, and considering that when I was reluctant to change the readers my commitment was questioned I think it would be questioned again!

Why aren't you questioning his commitment?
His only commitment seems to be to his family. You need to sort this out asap.

DeltaWhite

I think the way you are being treated is a disgrace OP. What the hell is wrong with people these days! I get stick off my OH's family for the most stupid petty things, and you know I just do my own thing no matter what they say.

One thing I have learnt from boards is to never let anyone step on my toes re: weddings. I've no plans just yet to get married but when I do, it's all on my terms and everyone can like it or lump it!

I think you need to adopt the same sort of views. They are bullying you! Don't stand for that especially when they are going to become your in laws!