Am I being stingy?

LegacyUser

Hi, I would love to get some outside opinions on the following.
It's not a major issue, but I've been worrying about it the last while.
My family will be going abroad this summer for 3 months. We have 3 cats. My younger sister (early 20's) has agreed to move in for this time with her friend, and look after the animals ie feed them.
We will of course be still paying mortgage - as we would anyway - and also taking care of bills, sky tv, cat food , and making sure the house is well stocked with cleaning products, food staples etc.
Both girls are unemployed, mainly because they have it good at home and aren't making huge efforts to find work or educate themselves. My parents and my sisters friends parents give them plenty of cash, and they both tend to sleep in most of the day, and spent money on books, gigs, cinema etc.
I have offered them 100 euro each as well which they have accepted. I know it's not a lot of money, but we'll be paying more in utility bills while they're in our house, and it will give them a taste of freedom. They live some distance apart, and they spend plenty of money on bus trips to each others houses. (If their parents aren't giving them lifts)
The problem is that my mother implies that I should offer them more money. I said that if it was me, and getting a house to live in, I'd do it for free, especially for my sister, and that we both love cats. My mother said well my sister has no job, so she needs the money.
My husband and I are working, but he'll be taking unpaid leave ( ill be still on maternity leave for duration of trip) I said if I had more to offer I would. I kind of feel the free house balances the looking after cats part.
On the other hand, getting cat sitters to look after them, would cost a fortune,so technically 200 euro is a low price. I really don't want to take advantage, but sometimes I feel that my mother wants me to share the financial burden of keeping my sister comfortable, so I guess I resent the implication too, as I have been working since I was 16, and funded a lot of my education.
I hope it's not some kind of sibling jealousy making me stingy!
Sorry for the length, any opinions would be greatly appreciated!

tinkerbell

A free house for 3 months plus €100 is more than enough. Tell your mother to keep her nose out of business that isn't hers - this is between you and your sister.

littleblackDRS

I don't think you're being stingy, I think you're being generous if anything. They're getting a free house, and a good degree of independence. Your mother probably thinks you should be "sharing the wealth", but it is your money, and if your sister is happy with 100, then that's between the two of you.

I'm just thinking from my own point of view, i'd be delighted with having a free house, probably wouldn't even think about getting extra money.

Brego888

€100 as a one off payment or per month?
Either way your sister and friend will have a pretty sweet deal.
I assume she is on the dole so I wouldn't be encouraging her current lifestyle any further.
They'll need some incentive to get up and do something with their lives.

On a side note, with 2 girls who have never lived away from home or paid bills, I'd be cautious about the utility bills that could rack up.

ABajaninCork

Brego888 wrote: »

€100 as a one off payment or per month?
Either way your sister and friend will have a pretty sweet deal.
I assume she is on the dole so I wouldn't be encouraging her current lifestyle any further.
They'll need some incentive to get up and do something with their lives.

On a side note, with 2 girls who have never lived away from home or paid bills, I'd be cautious about the utility bills that could rack up.

I'd also be wary about the telephone and BB bill too! I'd set a bar on the international calls, and get a download limit or bar put in place for the BB.

Daisy M

They are cat sitting not working for you, its not like you have them so tied down that they are not free to work.
Have you a backup plan just in case this goes bellyup, this pair might decide looking after themselves is hard work and go back home!

Sleepy

Honestly OP, on seeing the thread title I thought the only way you could be stingy in this situation was by charging your sister and her friend more than the going rent for the area.

Tell your mother to sling her hook (and make sure to put away anything you couldn't bare to see broken in the inevitable house parties.)

username123

Free house for 3 months, 100 euro for fun, and all I have to do is feed the cats?

Ill do it! Tell your mother to mind her own business. They are getting a great deal!

Lenmeister

Haha I'll do it for free, where's the house! They're getting a great deal here. What ages are they? If they are mature enough then you shouldn't have to worry about telephone bills etc. Your parents and sisters friends give them cash. You gave them both money. They are getting unemployment money. Sounds like they have more than enough to me. No you're not stingy. Quite generous.

Tiddlypeeps

Sleepy wrote: »

Honestly OP, on seeing the thread title I thought the only way you could be stingy in this situation was by charging your sister and her friend more than the going rent for the area.

Tell your mother to sling her hook (and make sure to put away anything you couldn't bare to see broken in the inevitable house parties.)

Heh me too, when I was reading it I was full sure she was gonna say she was charging them utilities while they were there. Which would probably be in a grey area for stinginess, but certainly not what is actually happening.

Giving them money on top of getting everything else they definitely have a pretty sweet deal. I agree with everyone else you should tell your mother to butt out.

woodchuck

Honestly, my first reaction was that it is a bit stingy! THREE WHOLE MONTHS is such a long time! I think 100euro each for a month would be about right... but for 3 months? And it's over the summer too so they wouldn't even be able to go away anywhere themselves, even for a weekend.

I know you mentioned you'd leave the place well stocked with food staples, but realistically how long will that last? I'd imagine something like 2 weeks as opposed to 3 months.

Personally I'd either give them more money (200-300euro each) or leave them extra money for food on top of the 100euro each.

But having said that, she's your sister, and it sounds like she's happy to do you a favour and have somewhere for herself and her friend to hang out for the summer. If they're ok with it then just I'd just leave well enough alone if money is tight.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here. Thanks for the replies. I'm actually really surprised no one has agreed with my mothers point of view.
I had spoken to my husband about trying to give them more, but he didn't think it made sense, which is why I came here.
They're both 21, not receiving dole as they're classed as dependants to their parents. Well my sister has never tried to get dole, but its what her friend was told.
I offered 100 each altogether, not per month, but ill be shopping for toilet roll, kitchen towels,pasta etc before we leave so they have that kind of stuff.
We don't have working landlines, so that's no concern. They are generally responsible and wouldn't trash the place.
I hope that 2 people wouldn't use more gas/electricity than a family of 5 as our bills are already high enough...
Yes, I'm afraid too they may want to abandon ship, if they find they don't enjoy it. I like to think they care about the animals too much to leave them hungry. My parents live a 15 minute walk away, so it would not be too hard for my mam/sister to come down and feed them.
I guess I'm a bit irritated now about my mother implying that I should pay more, as I really believed her, and was starting to feel guilty.
In our family its a classic case of the youngest being spoilt, although the story of us two being raised differently is one for another day

Rosy Posy

Annieonetwothree wrote: »

I guess I'm a bit irritated now about my mother implying that I should pay more, as I really believed her, and was starting to feel guilty.
In our family its a classic case of the youngest being spoilt, although the story of us two being raised differently is one for another day

This.

It sounds like your mother has a codependent relationship with your sister, possibly to do with wanting to keep her the baby. I have seen similar in my own extended family. IMHO if you buy into this you will only be enabling them both and neither will ever learn to stand on their own two feet.

We have had similar house/animal sitting arrangements in the past and we have never given money, just paid utilities and also paid for a cleaner to come at the start and end of the time, which is mutually beneficial. On one occasion we charged a nominal weekly amount, although the period was an extended one, and we had arranged back up animal carers who could be called on should the house sitter want to go away.

I think with the 100euro, filling the cupboards and paying utilities you are being more than generous.

LegacyUser

I'd give the girls 100 each per month, if not 150/200. They'd still be saving you money on kennels, and it seems a bit patronising giving them 33 each a month - almost as though you are saying that they've nothing better to be doing. Just my opinion.

miamee

Id give 100 each per month wrote: »

I'd give the girls 100 each per month, if not 150/200. They'd still be saving you money on kennels, and it seems a bit patronising giving them 33 each a month - almost as though you are saying that they've nothing better to be doing. Just my opinion.

They have nothing better to do. They are getting a free house - no rent, no bills, little or no food to be purchased as OP is stocking up (and let's face it, they'll probably go home for their dinners). All of that is as much a 'payment' as the actual cash they will receive IMO. And the responsibility of minding a house and pets might be good for them.

Dark Phoenix

depends which was you look at it. Yes they are getting a free house and utilities with some free food included and have nothing else to be doing.

However on the flip side it would cost the OP a lot to have cats boarded for three months or to employ a house sitter.

Personally I'd think 100 for three months a bit too little. They will be enjoying themselves but at the same time they will be responsible for the house and the animals

kat.mac

Ah here, €100 is plenty for them all other things considered. Your sister will no doubt still be getting looked after by your mam - PLUS it's literally *no* business of your mother what arrangement you and your adult sister come to!

LegacyUser

Hi, op again.
Yeah it is a fair point that it would cost me tons more to get them cat-sitted, and I was thinking to give them another 50/100 each when we return as long as house is in good condition.
That said, last time we did this extended trip 2 years ago no one lived in the house, so the utility bills were very low, we also cancelled our sky tv - which we won't do this time. As I'm several years older, and have been working ( part-time at least) since I was 16, I have over the years spent a lot on her,although less since I started having kids 4 years ago. I don't feel she owes me anything, but from my mams perspective I thought she'd think what I was giving was enough.
Anyway, based on what the majority here feel, I'll not offer more now, and see how our finances are when we return. Husband taking unpaid leave, so money might be tight. It will probably be our last opportunity to take an extended holiday to the in- laws like this, so I do appreciate my sister helping out...

December2012

Is living in your house impacting on their employability?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Is living in your house impacting on their employability?

Hi, do you mean in terms of commuting to work?
It would in that case have an impact, as we're not in Dublin, she'd have to get a bs to Dublin, or a lift with my dad in the mornings.
That said she's not looking for a job, so being in my house makes no difference as currently she sleeps until 2pm most days unless she's going to a gig or something with her friend.

Lenmeister

Annieonetwothree wrote: »

They're both 21, not receiving dole as they're classed as dependants to their parents.

Yes, I'm afraid too they may want to abandon ship, if they find they don't enjoy it.

Ahh I thought they were getting social welfare. How far away is your place to where they live now? If it's not too far then I don't think they'd get browned off.

Annieonetwothree wrote: »

Both girls are unemployed, mainly because they have it good at home My parents and my sisters friends parents give them plenty of cash

we'll be paying more in utility bills while they're in our house

They had it good at home, to be honest now the only difference is they'll have to go home for dinner or learn to cook themselves in your place.

"and it will give them a taste of freedom." This is massive. Almost any 21 year old would love this setup. Look at it from their point of view.

Living at home
Getting money from parents etc
Cooked meals
Tons of rules to live by

VS

Getting "their own place" for free without ANYTHING to pay.
Still getting money from parents & you etc.
No rules - partys, drinking etc etc. Whatever they couldn't do at home, now they can.
Can go home for dinner or cook by themselves.
If they start getting bored during the week, they can minimise the time there during the week and maximise their weekends there. (Not exactly properly living there but you get the idea).


Many a 21 year olds wet dream IMO.

LegacyUser

Lenmeister wrote: »

Ahh I thought they were getting social welfare. How far away is your place to where they live now? If it's not too far then I don't think they'd get browned off.


They had it good at home, to be honest now the only difference is they'll have to go home for dinner or learn to cook themselves in your place.

"and it will give them a taste of freedom." This is massive. Almost any 21 year old would love this setup. Look at it from their point of view.

Living at home
Getting money from parents etc
Cooked meals
Tons of rules to live by

VS

Getting "their own place" for free without ANYTHING to pay.
Still getting money from parents & you etc.
No rules - partys, drinking etc etc. Whatever they couldn't do at home, now they can.
Can go home for dinner or cook by themselves.
If they start getting bored during the week, they can minimise the time there during the week and maximise their weekends there. (Not exactly properly living there but you get the idea).


Many a 21 year olds wet dream IMO.

Yes, my mam already said she'll cook them their dinners! I live in the same town as my parents, 15 minute walk from each other.
My sisters friend lives in Dublin, they need to get Bus Eireann coaches to visit each other, so that's pretty expensive. They are each others only friend pretty much, and spend as much time together as possible, so living together sounds great to them...

Shelli2

Not completely on topic, but a 21yr old's dole is means tested (until the age of 24) based on the parents income and expenses. While she may be on a reduced rate, she's most likely entitled to something, and you should encourage her to apply

Paddy Cow

OP are you sure your sister and friend are up for a three month responsibility? The last thing you need is going off on your holiday and half way through they decide that they don't want to do it anymore and move home. I would have serious reservations about leaving two young ones alone in my house who only want to sleep all day and socialise. This could all end in tears.

Meller

Unfortunately I don't think it matters that these girls don't have anything better to do. I know it may sound petty, but the fact is they COULD have something better to do. Their freedom is still restricted. For example, most teenagers will babysit for various people on occasion and the fact is, they probably have nothing else to do and enjoy having control of a house - but it's still stingy not to pay them!

It may be mutually beneficial in actual fact, but she is still technically doing you a favour. I would be willing to provide more if necessary. She's your sister so you presumably have a very informal relationship, and she already seems happy with the arrangement, but just be open to the idea of giving more at some point. €100 isn't really enough for food for three months, even if the likelihood is that they'll often be going home for it (they might want to try cook for themselves, who knows?:)). Also you may stock up on toilet roll etc. but leave enough money so that if it does run out, they can pay for it.

Perhaps leave an 'emergency supply'? For example, leave €100 or so in a drawer or CD case somewhere, which you can inform them about at your own discretion throughout the trip, if it sounds like they need it or whatever.

I know it does sound a bit like you are mollycoddling these girls, but what they're doing still falls under 'favour' so I think you have to try to be accommodating (not that you're not being already, but still:)).