How to reconcile good relationship with lack of sexual past...?

LegacyUser

Essentially I'm in my mid 20's and only had sex for the first time a year ago with my current gf. Everything is going reasonably well. I love her. But at the same time I cant help but think about being with girls other then her... I dont mean I would ever seek that out, and I am attracted to my own gf, so I would never need to do that. Its just that she has her own past, shes had her opportunity to experience whats out there and be comfortable with what she has, which is great, but I havent. I dont know what being with someone else is like. The only time Ive come close is with my ex who was lovely, and attractive but it just never worked. Now my ex is someone I sometimes think about in that way purely because despite our best efforts the relationship ended before that hurdle was jumped. Otherwise I have no interest in my ex, my current gf is better for me in nearly every way and I repeat that I would never go beyond thoughts whatsoever.

I dunno. To be an older person, at an age where marriage is not unreasonable, I find it hard to commit to the idea of a future together entirely due to my missed formative years, if that makes sense. I already know the answers this thread will receive, it is more for the catharsis then the answers that I'm writing this.

Ultimately I'm happy, and know I am a sufferer of grass-is-greener syndrome, and I know I dont want to break up so thats my answer, but if anyone had any input at all I would very mcuh appreciate it.

judgefudge

You say your girlfriend has had the opportunity to experience what's out there and you haven't? Why haven't you? Just because you didn't do it doesn't mean you didn't have the opportunity!

I don't know why you were in your twenties before you slept with anyone... But that's down to you. You are pining for something that you never experienced before your current girlfriend, but what makes you think you'll suddenly have it now?

I would worry about your commitment to the relationship if you're feelin this way. If you don't think you can stay faithful I would probably break up with her. If however this is just a phase so to speak and you can man up and realise that having a load of sex with people doesn't make you happy, having a good relationship does.... Then you may be ok. You sound immature.

LegacyUser

judgefudge wrote: »

You say your girlfriend has had the opportunity to experience what's out there and you haven't? Why haven't you? Just because you didn't do it doesn't mean you didn't have the opportunity!

I don't know why you were in your twenties before you slept with anyone... But that's down to you. You are pining for something that you never experienced before your current girlfriend, but what makes you think you'll suddenly have it now?

I would worry about your commitment to the relationship if you're feelin this way. If you don't think you can stay faithful I would probably break up with her. If however this is just a phase so to speak and you can man up and realise that having a load of sex with people doesn't make you happy, having a good relationship does.... Then you may be ok. You sound immature.

I appreciate your comment but I think youve taken completely the wrong message away from what I said. I thought I made it perfectly clear (and if I didnt I apologise) that I have no fear of infidelity, I do not think for a second that I would ever cheat on her and I wont.

Secondly you raise a very good point that I absolutely should have said myself. I do not think that thinking about other girls means that they would magically appear in my life should I want to leave my gf and try and "pick up" women.

As for this "You say your girlfriend has had the opportunity to experience what's out there and you haven't? Why haven't you?" you clearly dont understand how crippling social shyness and personal insecurities can be so I wont even bother answering you here.

Again, I have no worries in the slightest about my commitment, I merely threw this up here to discuss thoughts that I occasionally have to see what others think, you think I'm immature, thats fine.

ibarelycare

ConfusedThrowaway wrote: »

I appreciate your comment but I think youve taken completely the wrong message away from what I said. I thought I made it perfectly clear (and if I didnt I apologise) that I have no fear of infidelity, I do not think for a second that I would ever cheat on her and I wont.

Secondly you raise a very good point that I absolutely should have said myself. I do not think that thinking about other girls means that they would magically appear in my life should I want to leave my gf and try and "pick up" women.

As for this "You say your girlfriend has had the opportunity to experience what's out there and you haven't? Why haven't you?" you clearly dont understand how crippling social shyness and personal insecurities can be so I wont even bother answering you here.

Again, I have no worries in the slightest about my commitment, I merely threw this up here to discuss thoughts that I occasionally have to see what others think, you think I'm immature, thats fine.

There's no need to be rude. You never mentioned in your OP anything to do with shyness and insecurities, so how was anyone to know that?



It's unclear what advice you are looking for. You're happy in your relationship, you're certain you're not going to cheat, but you sometimes think about other women or what you might have missed out on. That's not uncommon at all. A lot of people have them. The important thing is to try not to those thoughts consume you. Suck it up and focus on your relationship.

Idle Passerby

I get the impression your "grass is greener" thoughts are only coming about because your girlfriend has a sexual history that you cant identify with and it possibly makes you feel you've missed out.

You paint a picture of an otherwise happy relationship and I presume your syhness and insecurities are at least diminished by having a good relationship now.

Its perfectly normal for everyone to admire other people from time to time. Your biology hasnt switched off just because you love your partner. You say you have no intention of cheating so I'll take your word on that but dont beat yourself up for looking, its normal.

You say you find the idea of marriage difficult due to missing out on other sexual encounters, but you are only in your mid twenties and dont mention that you and your girlfriend have even discussed marriage so Id say live in the moment, enjoy the good relationship you have. No one knows whats around the corner. In a few years time you could be back here posting that you are tired of sex without commitments and want to find someone special again. You dont know that you and your girlfriend will be together forever and you wont have other partners.

At the end of the day, when you were single, for whatever reason you decided not to have sex. Now you are having sex with someone that cares about you, would you rather swap that for awkward sex with people who mean little to you?

beks101

What makes you think the crippling shyness and personal insecurities would dissipate to the point that all this sex with other women would suddenly be an option for you, should you break up with your gf?

I think you need to exercise some critical thinking here. You missed out on the experiences your gf had due to these issues that you presumably haven't fully addressed, so to pine after these experiences is essentially to imagine yourself as a different person.

Quite simply, you get to pick. Do you want your gf or do you want the chance at scoring other women, and what makes you sure you suddenly have the confidence to do the latter? Is it worth sacrificing your relationship to find out?

P. Breathnach

ConfusedThrowaway wrote: »

... I find it hard to commit to the idea of a future together entirely due to my missed formative years...

Set aside this thought for a moment, and answer a question: can you see yourself with your current partner for the rest of your lives?

Everybody's life takes its own course, and chance comes into it. It can happen that your first sexual partner is a person with whom you gel so well that you should not seek others.

I'm older than most people who post here, and I know many people who are happily married to their first partner. It is not a rare pattern among people of my generation. Think about people of your parents' generation (but not your own parents: that might weird you out): many of them probably have had only one partner in their lifetimes.

It would be foolish to reject your girlfriend because you met her before you happened to have a number of sexual encounters with other women. Play the cards as they have been dealt.

Czarcasm

OP your new girlfriend has obviously bolstered your confidence, and that's a good thing, but don't let insecurities about what might have been, or what should have been or what could be, let you destroy what you have right now.

Why would you feel you need to "even up the score" so to speak? It doesn't matter who or how many people your girlfriend was with before, what matters is that she's with YOU now, and all those times you never got past the "hurdle" with your ex, well that doesn't matter, it's in the past, let it go!

Try not to focus too much either on the chronically shy person you were before you met your girlfriend, and stop thinking about who she was with before she met you.

You'll drive yourself mad overthinking things like that, to be blunt about it. Don't let that type of insecurity consume you and just enjoy the times you get to spend with your girlfriend, and focus on her, not on all the girls you "could" have or could have "had".

I'm fairly sure there's more to you from your girlfriend's perspective than just your previous sexual history, so be fair to your girlfriend OP and stop focussing on hers, otherwise you run the risk of right now giving up or losing probably the best thing that's ever happened to you.


Fine line between discovering your newly found confidence thanks to your girlfriend, and then just being downright cocky about it. It doesn't make for a very nice person to be around.



EDIT: Just a bit of off-topic advice OP-

You're only going out with the girl a year and you're only in your mid-20's?

Ease up on thinking about marriage just yet, just enjoy where ye are right now and stop trying to run two steps ahead of yourself before you're even walking

Lenmeister

ConfusedThrowaway wrote: »

As for this "You say your girlfriend has had the opportunity to experience what's out there and you haven't? Why haven't you?" you clearly dont understand how crippling social shyness and personal insecurities can be so I wont even bother answering you here.

Then why would you bother contemplating the idea of being with other women. Because as someone already pointed out, being confident with your girlfriend doesn't equate to confidence to pick up lots of women, far from it. And I'd put money on you not picking up many women at all if you broke up with your girlfriend because it's really your girlfriend that gives you the confidence when it comes to women. Especially if you are "crippled with social anxiety and personal insecurities". Did these go away after you got into your relationship? I'd imagine if you broke up with her you'd go back to a similar position, though maybe not as "crippling" as before.

I've a friend who was like you and in the same position. She threw away a good relationship because she thought she was missing out by not hooking up with tons of hotties before getting all the serious relationship stuff. So she broke up, failed to score anyone, because of shyness etc and ended up single for a long time. Though that's just one case ofcourse.

I wouldn't go throwing away a good relationship that you are ultimately happy in just to have sex with other women. To be honest IMO, maybe you're not attracted to your girlfriend as much as you think. Maybe your sex life needs some spicing up? If you are thinking about being with other women, then something is amiss and I think maybe there isn't a big enough sexual spark. Because let's be honest, if you are happy and attracted to your girlfriend, you wouldn't really have those thoughts. Maybe an odd time, but they escape you as you're not moved by them.


"I find it hard to commit to the idea of a future together entirely due to my missed formative years"
"Again, I have no worries in the slightest about my commitment"
You mean you have no worries about infidelity, not commitment. It sounds like your commitment is quite in doubt if you can't see a future together and you think about being with other women. I get the general gist of your post but ask yourself what it is you really what at this point in your life. It sounds like you don't want to settle down. Maybe you recognise what you have is good, but just isn't enough for you? Anyway I was a bit harsh there at some points but I hope this helps.