Can't shake my instincts/insecurity about boyfriend

LegacyUser

Ok. I really REALLY need advice i'm driving myself mad.

Boyfriend and I have been together over a year and everything is going great but the Thing is, i can't shake this feeling i have about him off. it's like my instincts are telling me something is not right about him, as if i can't fully trust him. But i can't figure out if that is just me worrying about nothing, being insecure or if I might actually be onto something. He hasn't physically done anything to make me feel this way, in fact he has been the perfect gentleman.

I came across his boards account and literally 3 months before we got together he was raving about this foreign national girl and how much he likes her. She moved back to her own country and it went no where but when we first got together I, by chance saw messages saved on his phone from her from that time..which makes me feel like I was just conveniently there when the girl he wanted moved away.

Secondly, on the same boards account he is also raving about the types of women he loves in terms of looks (Spanish,french,glamour model types) none of which I resemble at all.. and this is the reason I think maybe I am just being insecure...but then the way he spoke about women on it really makes me cringe as if it's not him speaking. Basically any where we go, any type of foreign girls that may be there he always finds a way to sit next to them and goes above and beyond to do things for them.

He has lots of girls that are his friends who he texts a lot and again on the boards page he was talking about many of them he wanted to date and many of them wanted to date him which makes me feel like i'm just missing something about him but can't put my finger on it.

I am in no way a model in terms of looks but many guys that know him have said to me that lots of them would run him down for a chance with me. I am confident in terms of how I look but find myself feeling very insecure in this relationship since finding out the above.

Basically, I'm feeling like there is something sneaky about him like he is on the look out for another girl constantly who fits his 'ideal' type and when she comes along it's good bye to me. I get so caught up with these thoughts that I start acting differently towards him because i feel i'm being made a fool out of.

I'm driving myself mad and feel I should just leave the relationship and let him find the girl he really wants.

does it sound like i'm just being insecure? I need to sort this once and for all because I really like him and I can't keep going on like this.

Roisy7

Not knowing this guy and not knowing you I can't say for definite. But maybe here are some things to ask yourself to help you decide.

Are you a jealous person? Are you usually insecure? Have you ever sabotaged a relationship before through insecurity? Do you think men cheat more often than not? Do you find it hard to trust people? Have you been cheated on before? Do you consider yourself to be a good judge of character? Do you get gut instincts about people?

One or two things are springing red flags to me. One is, did you find his boards account, did he tell you about it, or did you go looking?

The stuff about the foreign girls is weird. He had three months to get over the first one, which could be enough time to get over her, depending on how serious it was. I would argue that there is nothing wrong with him having a type, and he's with you, not them.

Yet, there is something weird about raving about all these Latin beauties and texting them. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with that. That does set off alarm bells.

Nowhere in your post does it sound like you love or even like this guy very much. If there is something cringey about his attitude to women and your gut says something is wrong, may it's right.

Something to think about. Have you ever talked about any of this with him?

sffc

From this distance OP we can't tell whether he's a cheater or not but guess what ? IT DOESN'T MATTER !

What does matter is that YOU aren't happy and YOU don't really trust him . Nothing he or we say here will change that . Am I blaming you ? no , I'm simply saying he isn't right for you and there are loads of guys out there who are . Have enough self worth and respect to finish with him - console yourself that you have learnt something and find someone who doesn't have these traits .

reprazant

From my perspective, you seem to be basing a lot of your mistrust of him from what he posts on boards. What people say online a lot of the time is nothing like what they are normally. Take a look at one of the main boards on this forum. Half the people on it seem like gibbering idiots who you would think could barely function in the real world and yet they do.

Other than having female friends, he doesn't really seem to have done anything wrong. In reading his posts, you have made yourself really insecure and now small things he does, whether intentional or not, you are now reading things into them which may or may not be there.

As for an ideal partner, at the start of my current relationship if I had written down what my ideal woman would have been, it probably wouldn't have looked like her and yet, we are engaged and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. There is a fair chance she would have said the same.

Catphish

guestNeedadvice wrote: »

Ok. I really REALLY need advice i'm driving myself mad.

Boyfriend and I have been together over a year and everything is going great but the Thing is, i can't shake this feeling i have about him off. it's like my instincts are telling me something is not right about him, as if i can't fully trust him. But i can't figure out if that is just me worrying about nothing, being insecure or if I might actually be onto something. He hasn't physically done anything to make me feel this way, in fact he has been the perfect gentleman.

I came across his boards account and literally 3 months before we got together he was raving about this foreign national girl and how much he likes her. She moved back to her own country and it went no where but when we first got together I, by chance saw messages saved on his phone from her from that time..which makes me feel like I was just conveniently there when the girl he wanted moved away.

Secondly, on the same boards account he is also raving about the types of women he loves in terms of looks (Spanish,french,glamour model types) none of which I resemble at all.. and this is the reason I think maybe I am just being insecure...but then the way he spoke about women on it really makes me cringe as if it's not him speaking. Basically any where we go, any type of foreign girls that may be there he always finds a way to sit next to them and goes above and beyond to do things for them.

He has lots of girls that are his friends who he texts a lot and again on the boards page he was talking about many of them he wanted to date and many of them wanted to date him which makes me feel like i'm just missing something about him but can't put my finger on it.

I am in no way a model in terms of looks but many guys that know him have said to me that lots of them would run him down for a chance with me. I am confident in terms of how I look but find myself feeling very insecure in this relationship since finding out the above.

Basically, I'm feeling like there is something sneaky about him like he is on the look out for another girl constantly who fits his 'ideal' type and when she comes along it's good bye to me. I get so caught up with these thoughts that I start acting differently towards him because i feel i'm being made a fool out of.

I'm driving myself mad and feel I should just leave the relationship and let him find the girl he really wants.

does it sound like i'm just being insecure? I need to sort this once and for all because I really like him and I can't keep going on like this.

It's honestly very hard to judge from our angle. Have you ever been jealous in a relationship before? If you're the type that gets jealous, the problem lies with you most likely. Is he even aware that you know what his boards account is? My thinking is that lads can be all gob in front of their mates and on line, but in reality would not make comments like that in front of their other half.
Have you even talked to him about this?

okioffice84

I would tread carefully here. I'm just out of a relationship where my gf was very insecure/jealous and because of this sabotaged the whole thing, it was a nightmare. As some have said above, have you had similar feelings with other partners? Have you been cheated on in the past?

Lenmeister

Catphish wrote: »

It's honestly very hard to judge from our angle. Have you ever been jealous in a relationship before? If you're the type that gets jealous, the problem lies with you most likely. Is he even aware that you know what his boards account is? My thinking is that lads can be all gob in front of their mates and on line, but in reality would not make comments like that in front of their other half.
Have you even talked to him about this?

Ya I agree with this. Did you randomly come across his account? How long ago did you come across his account and does he still not know you know about it? It is honestly very hard to give much advice here for me.

guestNeedadvice wrote: »

I am in no way a model in terms of looks but many guys that know him have said to me that lots of them would run him down for a chance with me. I am confident in terms of how I look but find myself feeling very insecure in this relationship since finding out the above.

I'm curious as to why you'd mention this. Are you jealous that he is into these women who you describe as models and you don't fit into this type? Or discontent at him describing all the OTHER types of women he's into and not mentioned anything about the type you are? It kind of sounds like you're feeling like you don't matchup to what he wants and fear him running off with some model.

I don't think it's too much cause for concern. Everybody has a perfect type, but most people I would say are not with that type. Maybe he's just coming online and harmlessly talking about it.

The things I don't like though are always sitting next to foreign girls/going out of his way to do things for those girls in public. That's a bit weird for me. Would make me think "Why is he not putting that effort and time into me instead of some random foreign stranger"? If I was you I'd say I found his account and seen all the stuff he posted, ask him what the deal is. That could be an awkward conversation but if this is starting to get on your nerves then that's what I'd do. Just come straight to the point with him. You're with him long enough so I would want to know if I was getting worried about it. Hope this helps.

lva2013

Again not knowing all the facts its hard to judge but I really do believe that if your instincts are telling you to be wary,you could be right.I have always trusted my instincts but sometimes someone can make you give them more of a chance which is what I done recently.When I first met him my gut instinct was not to trust him but I let my guard down and believed he was being honest with me only to realise after months that I should have went with my initial instincts,horribly I would have loved nothing more than to be wrong.Good Luck with whatever you decide.