Bf acting like a d**k when drunk

LegacyUser

Just wondering what others think about this situation..when he's sober my bf is the nicest person ever and we get on really well..but when he has had a few drinks he starts to make upsetting comments to me such as 'you should get your teeth fixed' or 'you should get a boob job' and 'you shouldn't be eating this or that' Thing is he makes it sound like a joke if I say it to him the next day but at the time I find it upsetting and it makes me feel paranoid about myself. He isn't the jealous or controlling type, it's like he just thinks its funny at the time.. Has anyone else been in this situation? If not do you think it's a reason to break-up?

Toast4532

It is absolutely a reason to dump his ass.

What caring, loving boyfriend would say those things to someone they supposedly love? Drink is no excuse either. He is fully responsible, not drink, not another person, him, your boyfriend.

He should be ashamed of himself. I would sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel and that if it continues you will have to look at ending your relationship because you don't deserve to be spoken to or treated the way he is speaking and treating you.

If he changes, great, if he doesn't, dump him and find someone who will treat you right.

Weathering

Get rid. Next time he insults you tell him you can change physical attributes but you can't change a horrible b.astard of a personality. Also say to him is it because I'm leagues above you feel the need to insult me to try to me down to your level. Kop on smell the coffee and leave. Anyone who puts up with this knows what to expect so what are you going to do..

Ickle Magoo

I'd run for the hills if I were you OP.

I had a partner like that and the experience taught me, retrospectively, he was both passive aggressive and conflict avoidant - which meant he wouldn't say what was on his mind at the time as he didn't have the balls &/or skills to have adult discussion on matters and instead it would leak out in lots of nasty little ways; including often getting very drunk and being horribly obnoxious into the bargain.

For a long time I wrote it off as the affect of drink and his warped sense of humour but eventually the mask started slipping more and more often which made life with him miserable and self-esteem eroding.

By all means sit him down and spell out how much you don't appreciate the comments but I'd advise you to log the behaviour as pretty major red flags and proceed with caution.

All the best. :cool:

thefeatheredcat

I'm sure he thinks it's funny because he's putting you down and deliberately upsetting you with hurtful remarks which makes him feel better.

You, your boobs, your teeth, what you choose to eat, insert whatever here, aren't the problem. He is.

It's easy to pass that off as a "joke" or drunk talk and all it is, is an excuse to justify it. I've been told (by the person who said it) I've been "over-sensitive" when told nasty comments like that and being hurt by it.

Comments like that always remind me of TLC's "Unpretty" - don't feel paranoid or upset with you or how you look because the problem is not you, but him. It's him that has an issue with himself.

In my experience it doesn't make a difference if they are drunk or sober, or fobbing it off as a joke. And yes it can come across as jealously too, especially if it veers away from other topics of physical appearance (which is like going for the jugular in a fight because majority of people are going to be self conscious about their appearance to some degree that attacking it can create insecurity) to maybe if you're going for a job or education option or working towards a better salary or promotion, as they may feel threatened and insecure about themselves in comparison to you.

Some people can understand that it is hurtful and stop, might slip up from time to time maybe even change. Sadly it doesn't always happen. It would be a red flag for me OP it depends on how you feel his words effect you.... if there is a negative impact on you in any way, from feeling hurt to worrying about your looks or feeling insecure when normally you're self assured, then you would be better off dumping him. No guy is worth feeling like that.

IrishEyes19

I completely agree with everyone else. How someone acts when on alcohol is just as worrying as sober. Alcohol is a substance that heightens your mood completely, I couldnt trust or feel comfortable around someone that would behave like that when drinking, not only for my own safety or happiness but how they would act around friends and family in the future.

sherbett32

What he is doing is called Gas lighting. Basically trying to turn his behaviour back on you & blame you for HIS bad behaviour. It's very nasty (&deliberate)behaviour. You're too sensitive, can't take a joke, too serious (with wonky teeth & small boobs too:rolleyes:!).

Get rid, this is very unlikely to improve & will eventually affect your esteem,

WittyKitty1

What he is saying might just be drunken off the cuff comments but if you hear them regularly enough, it will start to affect your confidence..

I was in a similar situation before with my ex- he had some serious issues I was unaware of made worse by drink and drugs and when I finally stood up for myself he physically attacked me.

I know my confidence and security in relationships took a serious knock after that...

I'd think about leaving him if I were you.. Every situation is different of course, but no one deserves that from the person who's meant to love them. You're worth more!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I suppose I knew deep down that this was not normal, loving behaviour. I would never dream of telling him he should change something about himself, even if his nose is a bit crooked!
However I must admit, I do think people are always judging others and kinda thought to myself all along that he just says what he thinks instead of saying it behind someones back etc. The thing is he judges everyone, from his family to his friends and their girlfriends such as 'did you see the spare tyres she has put on in the photos' and calling his friends 'fat' etc. This happens even when he's sober. But he seems to reserve mine for when he's drunk. You would think that he is perfect himself but he's far from it. Anyway I don't think he will ever change, I think I'll be chatting with him over the weekend and telling him to go find the perfect girl.......ha good luck with that!

Catphish

thursdayblues wrote: »

Just wondering what others think about this situation..when he's sober my bf is the nicest person ever and we get on really well..but when he has had a few drinks he starts to make upsetting comments to me such as 'you should get your teeth fixed' or 'you should get a boob job' and 'you shouldn't be eating this or that' Thing is he makes it sound like a joke if I say it to him the next day but at the time I find it upsetting and it makes me feel paranoid about myself. He isn't the jealous or controlling type, it's like he just thinks its funny at the time.. Has anyone else been in this situation? If not do you think it's a reason to break-up?

Please get rid of him. This guy will break you down until you don't have a shred of confidence left in you. He knows what hes doing. This can only end badly for you, you need to end it now before you get further down that road and he gets more and more abusive.

Forever Hopeful

thursdayblues wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone. I suppose I knew deep down that this was not normal, loving behaviour. I would never dream of telling him he should change something about himself, even if his nose is a bit crooked!
However I must admit, I do think people are always judging others and kinda thought to myself all along that he just says what he thinks instead of saying it behind someones back etc. The thing is he judges everyone, from his family to his friends and their girlfriends such as 'did you see the spare tyres she has put on in the photos' and calling his friends 'fat' etc. This happens even when he's sober. But he seems to reserve mine for when he's drunk. You would think that he is perfect himself but he's far from it. Anyway I don't think he will ever change, I think I'll be chatting with him over the weekend and telling him to go find the perfect girl.......ha good luck with that!

Hey Op,
I had something similar happen to me except it was a close relation! Telling me to get a boob job, freeze my eggs etc. I was shocked not because it made me feel inadequate but because this person was so obviously messed up and sad that they had to say these things to me when drunk.
You are doing the right thing cutting him loose but you know this is about him not you. I cannot STAND people who are pass remarkable like that (as if they are sent from the gods themselves).
Good luck

Catphish

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Hey Op,
I had something similar happen to me except it was a close relation! Telling me to get a boob job, freeze my eggs etc. I was shocked not because it made me feel inadequate but because this person was so obviously messed up and sad that they had to say these things to me when drunk.
You are doing the right thing cutting him loose but you know this is about him not you. I cannot STAND people who are pass remarkable like that (as if they are sent from the gods themselves).
Good luck

That is just weird..

Neyite

Catphish wrote: »

That is just weird..

Catphish, welcome to Personal Issues/ Relationship Issues. Please familiarise yourself with the Forum Charter. We ask that posts are directed towards the OP, and are constructive and helpful.

Katgurl

I was with a bloke like this, the relationship didn't last long but am still in touch with him occasionally as a friend, tbh i do like him to this day as a person, he's nice but very very insecure.

He was not typically goodlooking but as I was crazy about him, i thought he was gorgeous (and I really don't care much about looks). Having said that I found it odd the way he was so critical about everyone else's appearance and he used to try to cut away at my confidence constantly saying things to me whenever he had a drink like "you think you've got great teeth don't you -but that one is stained at the top" or bought me a book full of slimming recipes. I actually didn't mind the cookbook because I wanted a healthy recipe book but he took it out in front of his friends in the pub and put on a 'hilarious' performance about how he was just letting me know that I had to take action. When I broke up with him, he sent me a barrage of abuse about my appearance.

Now I know him but not in a relationship capacity it is clear to me from what he says that it all stems from his own insecurities and is no reflection on his opinion of me.

But I don't think that's any excuse. We all have insecurities and it's not on to attack your partner based on them. While I still like this bloke I'd rather set my face on fire than get involved with him again unless he seriously sorted his issues out. Even though I'm a confident girl and I was only with him a short while, my confidence was starting to ebb away slowly.

Stavro Mueller

I hope it goes well for you OP. Seeing as he has been saying these sorts of things to people when he's sober, it was only going to be a matter of time before he felt comfortable enough to comment on you sans alcohol.

Speaking one's mind is something that should be used sparingly. If you think about it, we're judging people all the time in everyday life. The difference is that most people keep their thoughts to themselves and only say something when they feel something needs to be said. Words can and do wound so you do have to be careful. I'm acquainted with someone who is always commenting on people's weight, their hair, their clothes, things they're doing and it's not pleasant. Of course they laugh it off as a joke but it's a one-sided joke.

Lenmeister

Ya sounds like he has some big issues to be honest. I wouldn't take that crap from my partner, not a chance. If he thinks it's funny or claims it's just a joke when you tell him that it upsets you and makes you paranoid about yourself, then he's very very immature. Sounds like a dick to be honest. Alcohol is no excuse for any of that crap. Laughing about bringing you down? Find someone else that likes your teeth and boobs and has something positive to say. Yes, perfectly legit reason to drop him.