Have I just got bad friends ??

LegacyUser

I only have a small group of close friends, I've always been the "listener" of the group. As in they come to me for advice, discuss problems etc. Whenever I went to them with my problems however they kind of just half heartedly listened to me and never really offered much of an opinion. I guess I just passed it off as them not being the listening type but lately however it's gotten worse and I've begun to realise just how self centered they are.

Now I'm not the type to go on and on about my problems but these days if i even mention something that's weighing on my mind they pretty much ignore it. They'll just go yeah and immediately change the conversation or turn it back onto their own problems, oh well at least you haven't got 'x' going on . It's not even just me, they just seem to have a complete lack of empathy for anyone, I think the final straw was last week one of my best friends was telling me about her friends mother being pretty sick, now I (even though i only know the friend to see) immediately felt awful for the girl, but my best friend (who knows the girl really well) just kind of shrugged her shoulders and changed the subject to some really trivial issue she was having!

Am I delusional here? Have I just picked really bad friends, or am I expecting too much of people? Is it them or me? are most people just inherently selfish and self centered!

Has anyone ever experienced this before? My friend called asking for advice on a matter tonight and I just felt so used sitting there giving her my time when I know it won't be appreciated or returned! After she got off the phone I started to think about all the times I'd cancelled plans to do something with her but when the shoe is on the other foot it's not returned! I'm just sick of being the one who puts her friends first but gets nothing in return. I just feel like at this stage I'm wasting my energy caring about these friends for nothing!

judgefudge

You're not alone anyway. I've had similar issues. I too would be considered the advice giver. Is it just one of your mates or all of them?

Are you young? I think around my age (early twenties) friends tend to outgrow each other naturally.

If they are not giving you back the effort you put into the friendship then tell them, or cut your losses. Believe me, not everyone is like your mates, you just have to be able to recognise them.

thefeatheredcat

I've been in that boat OP and it's not a particularly nice one. You need to do a number of things for yourself and first realise that you can't rely on your friends to be there for you, so you need to identify who can be. From personal experience The Samaritans were very good to me when I had nobody else to rely on / talk to about something I was going through, so I would recommend them. I think, for your benefit, you need to take a step back from your friend's problems and be less available to them.

On your friends specifically.... they may think that since you usually have the answer to their problems, they don't really have anything to offer when it comes to yours, or wouldn't know how to deal with an issue that someone strong like you can't deal with.

whatisgoingonhere wrote: »

They'll just go yeah and immediately change the conversation or turn it back onto their own problems, oh well at least you haven't got 'x' going on. It's not even just me, they just seem to have a complete lack of empathy for anyone,

It sounds to me if they're dismissing your problem that you mention in favour of discussing their problem then it is not just the problem itself but the attention / drama aspect that surrounds that problem. They are used to having that attention on them and aren't able to deal with the attention being moved from them. With the "oh at least you haven't go X going on" doesn't sound to me like an attempt to relate, but an attempt to dismiss and minimise your issue in favour of dealing with theirs, as to them, their issue is considered more important in their eyes.

I think in friendships you should have the security of knowing that your friends will be there for you when you need them and I don't think that is a lot to ask, really, but it doesn't happen with everyone. Maybe you are more compassionate and empathetic than your friends - especially as you've seen them through difficulties and given advice - but that is not a bad aspect of you. It sounds like you're generally just more considerate than they are and that they are used to calling on you for advice and support, rather than you ever being the one to need support.

If you're starting to feel used when you are called upon, you need to distance yourself from helping them. You have to make a promise to yourself that while you as a kind caring friend wants to be there for friends, you can't continue that to the point of stopping yourself from your life and living every time a problem or drama situation occurs. If you're being too available they will grow too dependent on you and take you for granted, which does leave you in the position you are in, feeling like nobody cares about you and your problems you're struggling with and feeling used by people you thought were friends and whom would reciprocate in being there for you.

I think putting distance in being available with problems might be a good thing for you, most especially if you are dealing with something yourself and struggling with that. Put yourself first for a change and don't worry about them. Get yourself the help you need right now, and don't be worrying about them.

The experience will no doubt make you perceive your friends differently and cause you to re-evaluate friendships.... do it as a whole thing and not just on them not being there for you, take into consideration other aspects of friendship and efforts made on both sides.

December2012

Maybe you give too much of yourself away and you think that's normal so anybody who doesn't come up to your standard isn't good enough?

I wouldn't feel any deep sadness for an acquaintances sick mother.

I use my energy for people I genuinely care for.

Also, do they ask you for advice or do you just give it?

Reesy

Hi OP,

I know someone else who's in your situation. I think that over time, you have all got used to the situation where they ask for advice/support and you give it. Perhaps you & they liked it that way?

Anyway, you want to get help. Here's what I suggest. Pick one friend, call her / him and say that you would like their help / advice talking something through. Be calm, clear & focussed. Maybe write it down in advance. Don't get sidetracked & (obviously) don't get arsey about it if you don't immediately get offered the support you want. Just persist. It's something neither of you are used to, so you will both need to learn to behave differently. Ask for (say) an hour of the person's time, arrange a time, one on one, go along, and share. Be clear what you are looking for. If they fundamentally reject your request for help, well, you have your answer, but I'm guessing they won't.

Good luck.

inlikeflynn86

Hi OP

Just recently myself I realised one of my friends, who always had problems and would only come to me for advice where I would aalways give them advice. They then would ignore it and I would hear it alover again. When I had any problems they didn't seem interested and would just change the subject..... Rude or what?

So I started doing the same thing. When I was ever with them and they started telling me the latest problem. I would say something like "oh really.... Anyway did you hear about...." Or "ah right, are you hungry" (they have actually said this to me before)

Now it might seem really rude but its beginning to work. I find they are more interested in me if I start talking now and not cut me off....

I think you should play them at their own game. You sound like your a naturally caring person and it might be hard but it's worth a shot if you want to stay friends with them, otherwise you'll be banging your head against a brick wall

LegacyUser

OP, I could have written your post. Have been in the same boat myself for the last 5+ years. I'm in my early 30s now.
I found that I was always the one who would send birthday cards, new baby cards, thinking of you cards if someone was having a tough time etc. etc.
Then it'd come to my own birthday and there'd be nada. Nothing. Zip. Might get two or three texts in the afternoon or a few posts on facebook maybe. Which ok, is something at least but I'd have gone out of my way to make sure their card arrived on time in the post.

Anyway, it really got to me after my birthday 2 years ago, and I spent a few weeks being extremely cool/distant with my so called friends. Instead of dropping everything if they asked me to meet up, I'd say I already had plans. It was lonely, but I started thinking out my own life a bit more and only agreeing to things/events that suited me.

I think in my case what happened was everyone else must have had more things going on in their lives (marriage/babies/career) and I was/am stuck in a rut, so they got used to having me at their beck and call.

It's frustrating and disappointing but sometimes you just have to realise and accept that 99% of people just look out for themselves. It's nothing personal against you, it is how they see a lot of people behave.

I'm lucky in that I do have 2 really good friends who do listen and who do try & make the time for me and me for them.

Good luck OP, I hope you can achieve the changes you want without too much upset.

anngua

Hi,

don't forget that it's in people's nature to be selfish. We can't help it. You seem to be the sensitive type of person so it's probably in your best interest to accept the fact that the people you call friends are not as sensitive as you. It sounds bad but it's very likely they don't realize you're hurt by their ignorance. My experience shows me that people, even our closest friends, don't like things complicated. And if you are bringing a bit of drama whenever sharing, they'll avoid talking about your problems because...well, makes things complicated (at least more complicated than talking about new movie or boyfriend). It's not your fault, it's just that sensitive people have a hard time finding someone that can give as much as they do in a friendship. Your friends are probably not bad, just less sensitive and used to having you around whenever they need you. Dust yourself off and maybe look for someone with deeper personality who cares enough to listen to you, no matter what it is you want to share. ''Friendship is the best ship of all, no matter big or small. But it's a ship after all, to sink it takes only one hole.''