Boyfriend Gone Cold?

LegacyUser

I’ve been seeing a guy for five months and it’s been going fantastically well. We even discussed plans to move in together (his idea). Since we met he has been very keen and constantly indicated that we were ideal together. Last month he introduced me to his boss and best friend as his girlfriend seeming very pleased with himself/proud of me.

Up until now, he has gone out of his way to see me including re-arranging work but suddenly this has stopped. That’s understandable but his messages have also become more scare and less romantic. It’s feels like he has ‘pulled back’ from me or gone a little ‘cold’ if that makes sense.

Is this a normal phase or does it indicate something more troubling? Surely that gushing ‘I need to be with you’ phase should last longer. I certainly still feel it. The killer here is that I had been hesitant at first not wanting to get in over my head but now that I feel secure, even in love, with the guy, he seems to have become hesitant.

We are supposed to meet this week (tomorrow) but I have not heard from him since Friday and even then he didn't mention seeing me.

CaraMay

I often find that the guys who are so full on at the start usually end up bolting once the reality of the relationship hits them. It does sound v strange that he has not been in touch.

Helpyouspeak

This sounds like something that happened to me actually and I'm sorry to say it didn't end well. I was with a guy for about 6 months and like you, he was all about me at the start, acting like this was a longterm thing, so when he started going cold on me I found it confusing as I had also-like you- held myself back for quite some time. I first noticed that his texts became cold and he stopped being as affectionate with me and stopped all talk about 'our' future. Eventually he ended things with me in quite a cowardly way, by creating a ridiculous argument where it culminated in us breaking up. Now I'm not suggesting that your relationship is going the same way but the preliminary signs are there, so I would advise you to be straight up with him and ask him to communicate with you, that you feel him pulling away. If there is another reason for this, if he is suffering stress in his life and for some reason can't share this with you, then I imagine he will be very quick to alay your fears. Anyhow, I hope things improve for you but I do know how it feels and the quicker you find out what's going on the quicker you can start feeling yourself again. Best of luck with it!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. I just don’t understand how someone can flip so quickly. Only two weeks ago, he was constantly gazing at me when I wasn’t looking and when he rang his father he was telling him about his new girlfriend – about my job and where I’m from, and what we were doing for the day.

He’s a very introverted person and used to his own space but even allowing that the lack of contact or indication of when he wants to meet is odd.

reprazant

Maybe instead of listening to people tell sad stories of what happened to them, just ask him what the story is?

You say you haven't heard from him since Friday. Have you attempted to contact him?

Forever Hopeful

reprazant wrote: »

Maybe instead of listening to people tell sad stories of what happened to them, just ask him what the story is?

You say you haven't heard from him since Friday. Have you attempted to contact him?

10000% agree with this. We get insecure when we notice a change in our OH's behaviour. Worst thing you can do us ignore it and hope it will go back to normal.
Show respect for yourself and ask him. Don't be afraid to rock the boat.
Tolerating poor behaviour (not saying this is but it could get worse if you don't act) is a sign of lack of self esteem and huge turn off for a guy.
I bet he has asked and passed remarks about your responses and you didn't bat an eyelid, why should he.
Be confident!

ilovesleep

Hello Op, my first real love & proper relationship turned out exactly like this.

reprazant wrote: »

Maybe instead of listening to people tell sad stories of what happened to them, just ask him what the story is?

You say you haven't heard from him since Friday. Have you attempted to contact him?

I wouldn't go here to be honest, if I were you. I'm all for communication &openness &honesty. You could try doing it I suppose if you wish but I doubt very much it will get you any where. You see he might deny anything is up & you will give him the benefit of the doubt & later, it will appear in his actions that he's just not interested. It's just going to be disappointment after disappointment from him with excuses galore. It will lead you in the long run feeling worse.

Your gut is screaming at you that there is something not right. Listen to it & don't doubt it.

Forever Hopeful

ilovesleep wrote: »

Hello Op, my first real love & proper relationship turned out exactly like this.



I wouldn't go here to be honest, if I were you. I'm all for communication &openness &honesty. You could try doing it I suppose if you wish but I doubt very much it will get you any where. You see he might deny anything is up & you will give him the benefit of the doubt & later, it will appear in his actions that he's just not interested. It's just going to be disappointment after disappointment from him with excuses galore. It will lead you in the long run feeling worse.

Your gut is screaming at you that there is something not right. Listen to it & don't doubt it.

I'm sorry ilovesleep but this is exactly what I am saying NOT to do. Op senses something is wrong. I'm advising her to call him out on it. Depending on his response, op can see things improve or kick him to the kerb. What you are advising is just to walk away. I'm suggesting she call him out on it... doesn't lessen her as a person but actually demonstrates that she has standards. The above thinking is just giving the guy the power and control. Why should he have any of that??? There's two of them in it.

IrishEyes19

I think you should give it until the weekend. He could have a lot of stuff on his plate and it may be just one of those weeks. Come friday, I think you should address it. Gut feelings are rarely wrong. If he is into you, but going through some things right now, he will be up front about it. If not, it just ends something bad, a bit earlier than if you let it go.

Its a hard one, as I can see that people might say sure you are just imagining it and let it run its course, it's nothing serious. But if you are feeling this way, he cant be too blind to it either. best of luck

RubyRoss

It is possible you are over-analysing the situation? Some guys don’t feel the need to text every day or even for a couple of days. If he’s been introducing you to important people in his life as his girlfriend then he seems to be pretty comfortable with you.

You say he has been re-arranging work to be with you – that’s can’t last long term so it’s not surprising to notice a change.

I would wait before sitting him down for a serious talk. I know some of my female friends are always having such talks with their boyfriends and, to be honest, if often sounds like they are making a drama out of something trivial. I don’t tell them that of course and I’m not saying that’s what you are doing but still it might be worth giving him a chance to be himself. If you are miserable of course you should say something.

OP, is it possible that he feels like he is doing all the running and he's pulling back to see if you are genuinely interested or just liking the attention?
Are you making the same sort of effort, showing him off etc?

LegacyUser

Geeby,
I’ve been thinking about that – it’s quite an effort for him to see me. Also he thinks I do important and interesting things (I don’t really) whereas he is currently looking for a job/making plans.

I do tell him that I miss him a lot and he definitely knows that I’m very attracted to him. We never talk about ‘where we are going’ because neither of us likes those conversations – so far we’ve just gone with the flow and it’s been great. I’m usually very easy going and not one of those girls who is always analysing her boyfriend’s behaviour. Maybe I’m being suspicious and paranoid because I don’t want to be hurt. Aah I just don’t know

judgefudge

Don't spend anymore time driving yourself crazy and just ask the chap. It's that simple. As someone else said, he may deny anything is wrong and continue acting like that but then at least you can walk away knowing you did your best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate it.

He did get in contact me and is back to his usual self. We're meeting up tomorrow.

I think he's been down about work - losing pernament job and rehired part-time - and needed some space to himself.

What I learned most here was more about myself than our relationship. I had become to wrapped up in him (dreaming about our future) that any little set-back seemed like a catastrophe.

reprazant

Good stuff OP, I am glad to hear it.

Honestly, some of advice here telling you break up immediately without even asking what the story was is quite scary.

WittyKitty1

Breezed wrote: »

any little set-back seemed like a catastrophe.

Meet your sister :P

LegacyUser

Well, it did end. I got angry with him for ignoring me. He wanted to make it up to me but then suggested we 'let it go' until he gets a new job. He told me he'd talk to me soon but when I rang the next day just to say sorry for getting angry, he just wanted to get off the phone. I'd like to think I will hear from him when he gets that job but really it seems unlikely now.

Helpyouspeak

Hey there,

I'm really sorry that he is being like this to you. You deserve someone who wouldn't ever want to be without you, instead of someone half-assed who can't even figure out whether he wants to be with you or not. You don't deserve to be left wondering if your boyfriend wants to be with you, you should be certain on where you stand with him.

It's possible he *is* just in a really crap place right now in terms of work, but if that's the issue, then he needs to communicate that with you and not pull away. Relationships are all about the communication factor and if he can't manage that then he needs to work on that and not mistreat you in the process.

I really feel bad that you're going through this, but you will recover, it just takes awhile.

Take care

Merkin

Breezed wrote: »

Well, it did end. I got angry with him for ignoring me. He wanted to make it up to me but then suggested we 'let it go' until he gets a new job. He told me he'd talk to me soon but when I rang the next day just to say sorry for getting angry, he just wanted to get off the phone. I'd like to think I will hear from him when he gets that job but really it seems unlikely now.

I'm sorry to hear this although not at all surprised. Playing hot and cold with someone is classic pulling away behaviour so I think the writing was probably on the wall.

For future reference I would also be very very wary of someone who is really full-on and intense at the start. Real and true love can happen in the blink of an eye but it should also happen organically and at a realistic pace. Talking of moving in together while at fledgling stages is a worry.

I wouldn't wait around for him to decide when he's in the right headspace. You're not doing yourself any favours that way. I'd simply cut contact now hon, lick my wounds and get on with life without him.

I know it hurts but you will be fine. Just give it time x

IrishEyes19

I wouldnt wait around either for him to get back to you. I hate that sort of behaviour. I put up with that before from someone and it left me feeling so powerless and insecure because I felt like I was walking on eggshells and anything I said or did could tip him over the edge and end the relationship. You deserve an answer or a reason for this. I completely understand that he could be under pressure. But when your OH is going through some tough stuff, part of being in a relationship is sharing problems and providing comfort and just even support by being there for that person. Instead you are being pushed aside and treated coldly.

He is entitled to his space if he needs it, if he feels incapable of handling both work and a relationship, but you are entitled to know where you stand. I hope it works out for you. But dont be a doormat.

Dolly Daydreams

Breezed wrote: »

Well, it did end. I got angry with him for ignoring me. He wanted to make it up to me but then suggested we 'let it go' until he gets a new job. He told me he'd talk to me soon but when I rang the next day just to say sorry for getting angry, he just wanted to get off the phone. I'd like to think I will hear from him when he gets that job but really it seems unlikely now.

Don't disrespect yourself like that waiting around until he makes a decision op. You're not his puppet and you shouldn't let him pull all the strings.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,
I appreciate what you’re all saying. But I still find it hard to believe that this guy who now seems to have lost all interest in me is the same guy from even five weeks ago.
I’m beginning to wonder if there is some psychologically amiss with him – he wasn’t being overly charming or trying too hard like a player. He just seemed to genuinely bond with me and then poof. It’s like he went emotionally numb and became allergic to me.

I’ve been a cow to guys before – going on dates I wasn’t really interested in and then just giving up on them (sorry) but surely no one can turn off and on emotional feelings that quickly?

fits

^ oh yes they can.

Merkin

fits wrote: »

^ oh yes they can.

+1000!

Yes, they totally can. And it's natural to be left feeling bewildered, scratching your head and wondering what the hell just happened.

EuropeanSon

Breezed wrote: »

Well, it did end. I got angry with him for ignoring me. He wanted to make it up to me but then suggested we 'let it go' until he gets a new job. He told me he'd talk to me soon but when I rang the next day just to say sorry for getting angry, he just wanted to get off the phone. I'd like to think I will hear from him when he gets that job but really it seems unlikely now.

I think getting angry with him like that when he's in the middle of a very stressful period (trying to get new job) is very unreasonable. He sounds like he had done a lot of going out of his way for you in the past (rearranging work things and so on), and you probably should've been a little more understanding when he was going through a tough time.

RubyRoss

EuropeanSon wrote: »

I think getting angry with him like that when he's in the middle of a very stressful period (trying to get new job) is very unreasonable. He sounds like he had done a lot of going out of his way for you in the past (rearranging work things and so on), and you probably should've been a little more understanding when he was going through a tough time.

I don't buy this stressful time thing. If you look over posts in this forum people are always implying or clutching at the straw that their OH is only behaving badly because it's a stressful time. We all have busy lives and learn to get on with it without hurting people.

The OP has a right to be angry when her boyfriend ignores her. There is no occupation, job hunting included, that uses up so much time that someone can't call or text.

Flutterby80

Merkin wrote: »

+1000!

Yes, they totally can. And it's natural to be left feeling bewildered, scratching your head and wondering what the hell just happened.

Believe me they can and its hard not to blame yourself and think that there must be something wrong with you to make them do it. Unfortunately some people are just cold and single minded, they can turn off their emotions without giving your feelings a second thought. Try to believe that you are better off because you don't need people like that in your life.

Pomplamousse

Breezed wrote: »

Thanks guys,
I appreciate what you’re all saying. But I still find it hard to believe that this guy who now seems to have lost all interest in me is the same guy from even five weeks ago.
I’m beginning to wonder if there is some psychologically amiss with him – he wasn’t being overly charming or trying too hard like a player. He just seemed to genuinely bond with me and then poof. It’s like he went emotionally numb and became allergic to me.

I’ve been a cow to guys before – going on dates I wasn’t really interested in and then just giving up on them (sorry) but surely no one can turn off and on emotional feelings that quickly?

I've also experienced the hot one minute and cold the next like that and it's not pleasant so I really feel for you OP. His work excuse seems just that...an excuse. I certainly wouldn't dream of taking him back if he does come crawling.
Hope you're feeling better soon:)

LegacyUser

I have experienced same thing, it was like i wrote some of them posts.
Met a guy at wedding, he was all for me , wanting to meet up, ringing me every day.. at start I held back cos he was older among other things but then relaxed, really fell for him.. met few members of his family on night out etc.. all going great.

then bam nothing, literally. going from speaking every day at least once to nothing- no explanation nothing.. tried to call/text no reply.. then week later (xmas day!!!!) got a oh phone lost/sick excuse and i'll call later msg.. but surprise surprise not a thing did i hear.

never did get an explanation..

Lorna123

Breezed wrote: »

Well, it did end. I got angry with him for ignoring me. He wanted to make it up to me but then suggested we 'let it go' until he gets a new job. He told me he'd talk to me soon but when I rang the next day just to say sorry for getting angry, he just wanted to get off the phone. I'd like to think I will hear from him when he gets that job but really it seems unlikely now.

It sounds to me like he is depressed about the job. He probably feels too that he can't afford to meet up with you as often as he has been due to the fact that he is now part time. This has to be a major thing for him.

So then he feels inadequate, meets up with you and you lash out at him and he feels even more inadequate, so he decides he cannot be what you want him to be until he is working full time again and in order to avoid any further confrontation he decides to call it a day until he gets a full time job again. That would be my take on it.

He is proud and doesn't want to admit that he is now finding it hard to make ends meet, and cannot offer you anything until he is financially stable. So he is retreating into himself and cutting you off.

You just have to give him space and let him be for a while. Don't put your life on hold either. Things could still work out in the future.

LegacyUser

Thanks Lorna123,

I think I could deal it better thinking about it your way. Otherwise I just feel miserable.
So even if Lorna's version isn't true, at least I can try to believe it.

Whenever I think I've got a handle on it, it just comes back to me again.
I'm still struggling with the idea of people just changing their minds so quickly. I've never heard of it before but obviously so many of you have.

Lux23

My boyfriend is going through a very stressful time at the moment and our relationship has been a bit strained over the last couple of weeks. In the end we went out on Friday, got drunk and had a massive fight, we talked about it the following day and then spent the evening apart. He came over to my parents for dinner yesterday, and then we went back to mine and we seem to be back on track now.

I suppose my point is that if your relationship has gone far enough so that when the s*** hits the fan and things get hard, if you want to be together both of you will work things out. Maybe if this had happened a few months later, you might have got to that point however, it sounds like you haven't.

Who knows, you might end up with him again but if I was you I would do my best to move on.

ThunderousRage

Merkin wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear this although not at all surprised. Playing hot and cold with someone is classic pulling away behaviour so I think the writing was probably on the wall.

For future reference I would also be very very wary of someone who is really full-on and intense at the start. Real and true love can happen in the blink of an eye but it should also happen organically and at a realistic pace. Talking of moving in together while at fledgling stages is a worry.

I wouldn't wait around for him to decide when he's in the right headspace. You're not doing yourself any favours that way. I'd simply cut contact now hon, lick my wounds and get on with life without him.

I know it hurts but you will be fine. Just give it time x

I have to disagree with this. My girlfriend and i moved in together after 3 weeks of dating and have since had a baby together and are still as in love and as strong as ever.

We never argue and get on fantastically. True love isnt just a myth

changeling

If a you start to feel your man ''pull away'' from you emotionally, the worst thing any woman can do is start to fret about it. What you need to do actually feels counter-intuitive but it's the only way to handle it.
Here is what you need to do -
let him be.
Focus on yourself. When you start to feel that ''pulling away'' shift your focus to yourself immediately And how you do this is to imagine a ''waterfall'' of pure love and self acceptance pouring over you in your mind. Do this for as long as it takes. Don't contact him , let him come back to you. The secret is to let go. Most men want a woman that can get along happily on their own and emotional dependence on them is a real turn off for men.
Forget about him for now and stop focussing on what it is that has him pulling away from you. The absolute worst thing you can ever do is confront a man about what you perceive as change in the relationship, getting angry with him or insisting on answers. You can be sure that this approach will effectively end the relationship or damage it even further.

This works

LegacyUser

Thanks Changeling,

that's a nice image. I haven't tried to contact him since we parted ways - and he hasn't contacted me in over a month. I don't see a point in contacting him - the ball is really in his court. I'm not holding out for him to contact me but i really hope he does.