Ex-Boyfriend Problems

DeeAvery

Okay to cut a long story short my best friend Joseph and I met our first year of university and became inseparable. We did everything together and I mean everything and eventually we got together and became boyfriends during the time we we’re doing our thesis’ in our final year. Skip ahead over four years and our relationship broke down. For several personal reasons but also he got a job in Christchurch, New Zealand for a year. He went off to New Zealand and we basically ignored each other for a year and half. The break up was one of the most horrendous experiences in my life, I was a mess. I felt like it was the end of the world lol while all my friends and family were like hallelujah! That they never liked him anyway, that he took advantage of me and drained all the life out of me. Looking back I agree but I was head over heels and I’m still oddly found of him for some reason.

Anyway while he was in New Zealand I moved on with my life, finally got a full time job and even eventually stared seeing new people. However since we had the same circle of friends and the fact the gay scene in Dublin is so small we bumped into each other on Eurovision night in one of the gay bars. It was awkward and I hoped he wouldn’t see me but eventually he came over and started up a conversation. It was mostly awkward, forced small talk and him telling me about his time New Zealand but as soon as he walked over to me he was suddenly neck deep in my life again. He crashes on my couch all the time, eats my food, shows up without calling, trashes my place and so on. But we also do lots of things like go out, have dinner or go to the cinema together and stuff like that but it’s not romantic or anything. We just use the term and tell everyone we’re best friends again, which we are I suppose.

What’s different now though is I now have a partner named Sean and we’re very happy and are in the process of getting a new house and mortgage together and therein lies the issue. On my side of things we’ve never lived together so we’re very excited. Sean’s perfectly fine with the fact Joe’s still in my life and in fact they’re friends and have done things together without me like go to football matches and stuff since I’m not interested in that. The problem is since Joe found this out he’s been ignoring Sean and gets really cranky either when Sean’s in our company or I just mention him in conversation. Mutual friends have told me he’s been mouthing him off behind my back. Everyone including myself think he’s just jealous and acting immature about it and we’ve just laughed it off.

Like there’s nothing romantic between us anymore and I defiantly have no feelings for him. He’s seen a few people and had a few open relationships too but hasn’t had a committed relationship since me. But then I mentioned passing in conversation that Sean and I we’re talking and that though we’re not ready yet he and I plan to get married and have kids and all that jaz some day. Joe then flipped, threw his cold, half drank cup of tea at me and stormed out of my flat. The first time he threw something at me since we were together. I then got really upset and I’ve been ignoring him since even though he’s been sending me emails, texts, facebook messages, calls and voice messages apologising.

We’re not together and yet he still acts like he owns me. And for some unknown reason I still wait on him hand on foot. It would be different/I’d understand it if we still had romantic feelings for each other but we don’t. I’m happier with Sean then I ever was with Joseph. Heck I even more confidence in myself now and my life as a whole is a hell of a lot better. I might be over reacting but I feel like this is the last straw, that I can’t take it anymore. Sean said he’d support me in whichever decision I make but I’m really contemplating cutting he out of my life altogether. I really don’t know what to do about any of this. Should I tell him I don’t want him in my life anymore? Should we come up with some sort of compromise? Should I just let him keep walking all over me?

Sometimes I wonder are we only friends because we used to be. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason why I have this strange fondness for him is because he was my first everything. The first person I held hands with, kissed, slept with, first boyfriend, heck he was my first best friend.

Ugh! Any insight you have into any of this that would greatly help. I’m 27, almost 28 and I feel like I’m in the middle of some teenage drama. Though I think all I can really do is sit down with Joe and have a mature conversation about this and get everything out in the open.

Thanks in advance.

Lisha

Fair play to you op for wanting to have c mature conversation with this joe guy.
But from what I read he is incapable of this and frankly not deserving of your consideration.

Thus friendship is escalating back to a waiting on and violent relationship?

Op seriously , get rid of joe, block him out. Sounds Like you be a great thing going with Sean . Get your house together, be happy and live that joe plonked to throw things at himself

You deserve better op.
be happy
Best of luck

Ps sorry if I've been blunt, but I d hate fud you to fall back into a rut with someone who did not make you happy

judgefudge

Maybe it's time you sit back and think about what you get from your friendship with Joe. I know you have said you're fond of him but you have also mentioned several times that he takes advantage of you. I get that he was your first everything but everybody has that with someone, and realistically few people would be in touch with, or close to, their first love. I know I'm not.

Would it be possible to slowly reduce the contact so that he could still be in your life as a distant friend? That way he wouldn't be interfering with your relationship with sean, he wouldn't be able to act like he owns you, but you'd still have some form of connection?

Taltos

OP - you need to get this guy out of your life now before Sean has enough and leaves you.
You have been very lucky so far that Sean cares so much that he is giving you the space to make your own choices and mistakes - however how much longer do you think he will sit by and watch you tear yourself apart over this user?

Come on - step back a moment - this ex is bringing nothing put pain to your life - he is not enriching it in any way and in fact by mouthing off behind your back is showing his true colours. Cut him loose today - no need for explanations or anything else - just tell him you don't have time or have plans and let him get on with his poisonous little rants elsewhere....

If you really really really want to have this mature converstaion with Joe - which I don't think he will be up for - do it with Sean close by - you will need his support. But personally I would not waste too much more time on this guy.

Darren 83

I can understand why you would like Joe in your life but I think you have a great thing going with Sean he is mature unlike Joe. I think he will drive a wedge between you and Sean.

Joe has no respect for your property let alone you he sounds like a spoilt child I think he thought you would wait for him after the break up and is kicking up that you have a good life with Sean.

I don't think you will get a rational conversation with Joe just cut him from your life and enjoy the future with Sean.

Stavro Mueller

Because of the unhealthy dynamic between you and Joe, I'd advise against talking to him. Add in that volatile streak he has and you don't know what way that could go. So definitely you need to cut or distance yourself from him.

Seeing as Joe has demonstrated a malevolent streak and isn't happy at you being with Sean, it wouldn't surprise me if he caused more trouble. Perhaps he might change tack and start telling lies about you to Sean, for example. He sounds like the type who would do something like that.