new boyfriend is scaring me

LegacyUser

Please can anyone advise me? I have been seeing a man on and off for a few months & we made it official two weeks ago. While we dated we had a fight when he got so drunk and left me loads of messages telling me he needed me, loved me and to stop ignoring him. My phone was in my handbag under the table for an hour or so coz I was with my friends.

After those messages I told him he'd freaked me out & that I needed some space. After a few days we talked and he desperately apologised & promised it'd never happen again. So fast forward to now, this week alone he's been drunk twice and both times has shouted at me & said I dont give him enough attention, that I wasnt kissing him back properly and that I didnt realise I was his woman. He's called me a liar & selfish while drunk. He doesnt remember the next day.
It may sound stupid but I've cried pretty much all day. He let me down so much lastnight when he called me in a mess. The thing is, he'd never, ever do this sober. He treasures me when he's sober. Im afraid of him now incase he drinks. I feel so humiliated, I only just introduced him to my family a few days ago and my boss. How stupid will I look to be single again in a matter of weeks? Im gona sound so childish. He said he wont drink anymore. Is there any hope for us? Im scared of him getting drunk if i end it and how he'll react. I know it'll hurt him badly because he just isnt like this sober.

Taltos

OP - run for the hills.
Dump him now but tell him why so he can try to sort himself out before ruining someones life.

But whatever else - don't go back.
In terms of being ashamed to tell your family and friends - don't be - just tell them it didn't work out, he was smothering you and has an issue with drink and jealousy. Leave it there no need to elaborate. But irrespective get out now, block his number and avoid like gum on the footpath.

dr ro

totally agree. Get out. Don't hesitate, don't think twice, do yourself a favour and don't look back. He's not your problem or responsibility. Why would you take on his problems when you could be single or in a happy relationship in a couple of weeks.

Legs.Eleven

The only advice that can be given is the above. Worry what other people think is not a reason to stay with someone like him - the man sounds potentially dangerous.

John Mason

run now and run very fast.

he sounds extremely insecure and jealous.

this will not end well. why would you even think about staying with him?:eek:

Corkgirl210

he is insecure, passive agressive needy controlling bully.. however he will treat you nice as pie .. will over compensate and life will be rosey when he is sober.. until the next time.. save yourself years of pain and agro... the warning signs are there... take heed and have piece of mind.. dont and you will always live with an undercurrent of nervousness...

take it from one who has been there!!! ;o)

Jack B. Badd

annabelleincrisis wrote: »

I feel so humiliated, I only just introduced him to my family a few days ago and my boss. How stupid will I look to be single again in a matter of weeks? Im gona sound so childish.

Think how humiliated, stupid & childish you'll look if you stay with a guy who abuses you.

Mollyd90

As everyone else is saying get away from him and quick. This behavior is only showing now when he is drunk eventually it will start when he is sober also so giving up drink won't stop it. Don't worry about feeling humiliated about breaking up, relationships end all the time and your friends and family would prefer you to be in a healthy relationship

Zen65

Relationship forums are full of stories like this, but I have never read a story like this which ends with the couple being happy together. The only happy ending to these kinds of relationships is when the girl ends the relationship and ceases all contact with the guy. Even then be prepared for him to flood you with messages, phone calls, visits etc requesting that you get back together, telling you he has changed.

He's not going to change. As long as he is in a relationship he will have these issues. Perhaps one day a life-altering event will make him realise what he's doing wrong, but that will never happen if he's in a relationship with you.

Everyone else here is right; this relationship needs to end quickly. All other considerations are secondary. Get away, and stay away from him.

Be at peace,

Z

blatantrereg

Yes I agree with everyone above. I'd add that the quicker you end this, the easier it will be to end it. The longer it goes on, the worse he'll get. He'll try harder to stop you leaving, the longer you let it go on. You yourself will find it harder to leave the longer you stay with him. You will be weakened emotionally by him, and he will try to tie you to him physically, socially and legally.

Expect him to try to manipulate you to get back with you, and don't allow him to. He might also try to force you to get back with him via whatever other means he can think of. Blackmail and emotional blackmail are likely.

mood

End the relationship asap. If drink brings out an abusive/violent side of someone they they should NEVER drink. If he loves you he should give up drink rather than put you through this. But the best course of action would be get out now. This is an abusive relationship and unless you want a life of misery dump him.

WittyKitty1

He has a huge problem!

There's is a big difference between being a little insecure at the start of a new relationship and basically attacking someone every time you have a few drinks.

I don't personally think theres any hope for it, unless you can put up with how he is drunk.

Get out now before it starts to damage your other relationships and work. You will be better off in the long run away from him.

CaraMay

So your biggest concern is how it will look to other people that you are single? Seriously?

mood

OP I would break up with him in a public place with no drink involved.

tan11ie

Good lord get him out of your life asap!!!! seriously, is being single so bad that you're prepared to let an ass wipe treat you like dirt?

Miaireland

As others said get away from him as fast as you can.

AnonoBoy

If he was saying that stuff to you sober would you tolerate it?

Being drunk is no excuse.

Walk away and don't look back.

It's the best thing you can do.

action needed

Get out now and don't go back, it will only get much, much worse.

From someone who have been there.

LegacyUser

I've been on the other side of this. Not that I was as drastic as he is by bombarding you with messages, but with a few drinks on boards I can be very much Jeckle and Hyde. With my ex i was very jealous and insecure if she gave anyone attention when we were out. Craziness would follow id say some horrible stuff and wake up the next morning, not remembering a thing. It wasn't every time that we were out but it was quite frequent. My ex was a bit insecure too and stayed with me even though i was being such a psycho!

Drink is not the main trigger here, there are deep underlying problems within him even if he quits drinking it will happen when he's sober too. He's so deeply insecure he's thinks he'll never be happy unless he's in a relationship. He'll never love someone until he loves himself.

At the moment after ruining a relationship after all this madness and some more, i'm an absolute train wreck and after a date with a girl my monster came out yet again when we were in a club and she was talking to a guy!! I'm finally after committing myself to counselling once a week and have tried to change my life around. But at this moment I'm not right for anyone and should not even consider a relationship for quite sometime.

My advice run, he needs to fix himself and if he doesn't and you stay together what you have experienced is just the tip of a very nasty iceberg.

mood

Good advice from ontheotherside. It's not often you hear from the other side of a situation like this. ontheotherside is right. This is your boyfriends problem not your so walk away before he ruins your life and don't try to stand by him while he get help.

afterglow

Hi OP
The words in your post that alarmed me the most were the part when you talked about him being annoyed with you because you didn't know/recognise that you were his woman. This screams to me that in some way he sees you as a possession/his property. I would be extremely concerned and having grown up in a violent home with an alcoholic father, I would be afraid this could be where this is heading for you, and god forbid any children you might accidently bring into this mess!!!!!!
You will constantly live in fear of his next drink and how he will react if you don't get out of this ASAP/ Also, as others have pointed out, if he knows you won't leave if he does it when he is drunk, he will eventually exhibbit the behavior when sober, and may also get violent with you and this is definitely not something you want. Also, if you ever were to go on and have any children with him, believe me you would absolutely regret bringing them up/into this toxic and harmful environment so please get out now.
Best of luck OP

ABajaninCork

I'm with the others. So far. No Good. Get Rid.

Weathering

He sounds like the kind of person that if u stayed with him for a couple of years and dumped him he'd do something stupid or kill you. He wouldn't be able to deal with you with someone else. I've personally seen this situation happen to a family member and it ain't pretty. Get out now while u still can it's an easy choice. Your family and friends will get fed up telling u what to do in time. Get out while you still can

LegacyUser

Hi There
Listen. I saw this many times before. yea im afraid its time to dump him and run . no matter how much he tells you he is going to change he is only saying this to patch things up. then when things get calmer in a few weeks it happens all over. he is thinking this stuff all the time he only has the courage to come out with it when he drunk !!

girl2

Please read this and take note about the "honeymoon phase"

http://www.ccfamilycrisis.org/what-is-domestic-violence

I'm sorry, but these sorts of characteristics in a person are very dangerous and only ever escalate. Please think of yourself and get yourself out of this relationship before you become powerless in it. Stay safe OP.

Big Bag of Chips

annabelleincrisis wrote: »

I feel so humiliated, I only just introduced him to my family a few days ago and my boss. How stupid will I look to be single again in a matter of weeks? Im gona sound so childish.

So you'd rather stay in an unhappy relationship, where you cry every day and are scared of what your boyfriend might do or say to you?

Really OP.... have you a sister? Would you like her to stay in a relationship like this just so you wouldn't think she was stupid?

This is not going to get better. You should be happy in a relationship. Secure. Excited, especially in the early stages. If you are none of those things, then what are you getting from it? Why are you continuing it? So that he doesn't get upset? What about you? You will spend your time making sure he's not upset.. can you see him doing the same for you?

You have 2 pages of unanimous advice - I hope some of it sinks in.