Lonely emigrant / Having an 'affair' with a married man.

LegacyUser

Self-explanatory title!

I hope this doesn't come across as a terribly cliche mills & boon plot-line but here goes....

I've recently moved to the UK in search of a graduate role. So far I've found it really tough and taxing - everything from all the admin of setting up in a new country to the stress of job/house-hunting itself - it's been really lonely and an uphill struggle from day one. I have a limited social circle here (not working hasn't helped expand it!), and am living in a rather dire houseshare with some very eclectic types. I'm spending alot of time staring at the four walls in my room, so any social contact I have with the people I do know helps lift my spirits and keeps me going. It doesn't help that whenever I ring my family in Ireland I usually end up having a little cry at the end of the phonecall -.-

Back in September, long before I moved to the UK, I made friends with 'David' online through a forum for people living and working in the city I moved to. We instantly had a great intellectual connection and lots in common from the outset. I should point out at this point that absolutely no sexual chemistry came into our online conversations and everything was platonic. I'm a gay male in my early 20's and he's a married man in his 30's with a child - and another one coming along the way!

Anywho, we had struck up a great friendship online and when we eventually met in person for coffee it was no different. Great chats, same sense of humor and outlook on the world. To say that he's been a good mate first and foremost would be an understatement - David's been my rock here, helping me with job advice/applications/interviews and acting as a sounding board on my really **** days when all I needed was someone to listen to my woes and disappointment's. We've been meeting up at least 3x a week for coffee or pints since I arrived.

On my birthday I invited him over for a few beers (two mind, we were by no means intoxicated to the point of no return). We were in my room having a good laugh and talking about nothing in particular when suddenly he leaned over and kissed me - long and short of it we ended up on the floor in each others arms.

Ever since then our coffee's have been tainted with handholding, footsie under the table and quick snogs on the cheek. We've ended up having a further naked encounter at mine. He terms it as a 'bromance'. According to David he's perfectly content with his wife and family life, he's just missing a close intellectual connection with a male mate, and it's a bonus that the sexual side of stuff has also creeped into it. To be fair to him, he's been rather upfront about the fact he's bisexual but happily married, and has no plans to leave his family life to run away me. He's also been honest enough to admit that although he has no qualms about the ''extras'' of our friendship, he doesn't want me to feel disrespected or used. If I'm not happy with it, I'm free to end the sexual side of things - but that's easier said then done when someones showering you with affection and leans over to whisper ''I Love you mate'' in your ear :-(.

I'm rather confused and not sure whats the best course of action to take. He's been such a great support to me, I love our friendship, but the sexual side of stuff is starting to hurt me. I'm starting to crave him when he's not here, thinking about him with his ''other woman'', and feeling pangs of jealousy and guilt at the fact that A) He's already married - already has a child his wife is pregnant with another one He's told me he loves me, but yet we are never going to have anything more then a friends with benefits type arrangement.

My best female friend's 2pence is that 'straight men' sleeping with other men does not constitute a full blown affair in the same way as if her husband slept with another woman, and that I shouldn't feel bad about having an emotional connection/a bit of physically closeness with this guy, esp as he's making the adjustment to the UK that bit easier for me - apparently most sane women would find it quite acceptable for their husbands to have connections with other gay men in this way? I'm not sure even the most liberal of females would share her viewpoint, after all, if you sleep with someone, is that not deception by keeping that from your wife?

I haven't set out to destroy a marriage, and at 22 I don't intend on having something like that on my conscience for the rest of my life.

Am I a homewrecker if I continue down this path with David? Does the wife always find out about these illicit encounters, am I deceiving myself by buying the 'secret bromance' line? Is it possible to come back from this to a point of friendship only after having slept with him twice and kissed him numerous times? Or should I make my adjustment to the UK all the more harder by cutting ties with him completely ?

Any tips for coping with the reality of moving to a new country and coping with the stress of it would also be really appreciated.

Idle Passerby

The fact that you feel uncomfortable with this situation is reason enough to end it. Your male friend sounds like he's having his cake and eating it. All his talk about not wanting to use you is crap, he is using you and knows he is. Telling you he loves you and in the next breath saying he has no intention of leaving his wife is completely unfair.

Your female friend is by no means a good representation of what most women believe. The majority of women would consider their husband sleeping with anyone but them, male or female, to be a huge betrayal.

If this man is in an open relationship that is his business but it sounds like the situation doesnt sit right with you. He's taking advantage of your lonliness, it doesnt sound like he care how any of this is affecting you, never mind his wife and family.

mikemac1

AnonUK1235 wrote: »

My best female friend's 2pence is that 'straight men' sleeping with other men does not constitute a full blown affair in the same way as if her husband slept with another woman,

That's a cop out and his wife will not see it that way.
Your friend said this but I can't see that most women would agree with her.

I wouldn't call you a homewrecker, you called yourself that. You are being harsh on yourself but at the same time you know you're not in a good situation.

I don't think you can still just be friends, it's gone past that point. He says he not using you but he's confident, comfortable and settled and came across you, a young lonely soul online.

As for loneliness, well head to London forum on boards, they are organizing a meetup last time I was in there

Lovely Bloke

Get tested.

Chara1001

Hi OP,

There is always a lonely, horrible settling in period as you start to make a new life for yourself in a new country, this isn't unusual so have patience.

Your 'friendship' with David isn't going to lead anywhere good, but you know that i guess? There are plenty of people using online forums that are looking for FRIENDSHIP or are not married, or bi, and some could potentially be great friends/ partners for you.

If you think about what you're getting out of this, you're lonely and wanting someone to talk to and company?
What's David getting? All this and more, he's being greedy and seriously- he's got a lot more to lose than you. David has been honest about his position to you, he's not leaving his wife which makes you is bit on the side (sorry Op this is how i see it). Now since you know where he stands, you're not blameless either.

Since you've started developing feelings for him, its just going to get harder to let him go. But you need to seriously think because the 'friendship' can't stay on an even keel, something's going to give at some point. it might initially make your move more difficult but longer term, you WILL make friends without having this crap.

By the way- DO NOT listen to your female friend. I've no idea why she would tell you that.

I lived in the UK for a long time, and i didn't know anyone at first. The first thing is that what ever you're invited to do- do it. If you don't like your flatmates, no problem, still go for a drink with them, maybe their friends are more your type?

You clearly know this isn't right. The only thing that seems to be stopping you is your current loneliness.

You're not a home wrecker: he is. He's cheating on his wife, calling his relationship with you a 'bromance', and disrespecting you, his wife and his children. I'm sure his company is incredibly comforting - that's his plan. He wants you to need him so he can keep his relationship with you on the side, ready for him whenever he needs a break from home.

'straight men' sleeping with other men does not constitute a full blown affair in the same way as if her husband slept with another woman

Ok, so you're a man and his wife is a woman. He's bisexual, but being attracted to both men and women doesn't mean that you can carry on a separate life with each. That's like a man having an affair with a red head and then saying "well it's ok, my wife's a blonde". It makes no sense at all.

To be fair to him, he's been rather upfront about the fact he's bisexual but happily married

He's not upfront to his wife, and he's not happily married. He's happily cheating on his marriage, having his cake and using lies to enable him to eat it too.

You clearly have a sense of morality, and want to do what's right. You can't just stop having a sexual relationship and continue being friends. You need to separate yourself from him. Completely.

Don't look back. Get out there, meet new people. Leave him behind and hope that his wife figures him out at some stage.

LegacyUser

I would get away from this man as soon as possible.
This man is having a secret life. He is using his wife and family to show the world that he has the so called prefect life meanwhile he is having sex with you.

I know it is hard when you move to a new country to make friends, get settled in a job ect.
This man know your are lonely and is using this fact.
Any woman I know would hate to find out there husband was sleeping with someone else and would find is harder to accept they were having sex with a man.
How would you feel if his wife turned up to your door some day about him?
Also if he is doing this with you - who else is he doing this with? Some men and woman will have unsafe sex with people without caring what happens to themselves or anyone they sleep with.

I would tell David the next time you see him that it is over between you. I would also tell him that if he does not leave you alone you will contact this wife to let her know as Hilary Clinton said about Bill - " He is a hard dog to keep on the porch".

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for all of the constructive replies. Moreso what I needed to hear then necessarily what I wanted to hear! I know what needs to be done in my own heart of hearts, its just the hard step of going ahead and doing it... as I say, I really like David as a supportive friend first and foremost which makes it all the more painful. Logically though, its the right thing to do.

I'm after receiving a text from him today inviting me over to family lunch at their home next Sunday. (He's already told his wife, lets call her Kate, about his new 'friend' - minus the intricate details). Somehow I don't think going over to the family home and meeting the other half is a great idea given the circumstances - I'd find it rather hard to stare Kate in the face when she's passing me the salad bowl knowing I've slept with her husband I haven't responded to the text yet, any suggestions about the most appropriate response, or indeed none at all?

This is probably a rhetorical question, but should I tell the wife? Does Kate deserve to know, or is ignorance best served when you are married with a child and pregnant?

Roisy7

OP you have my sympathy, you're in a very difficult position. You know this must end; you deserve something better than this, to be this guy's experimentation. Yeah, he's been upfront about his bisexuality with you, but has he been so with his wife? You know how difficult it can be to come out, and how difficult it is for men who identify as bisexual; "bi now, gay later" and all that nonsense. I wonder does she know anything.

The guy has two kids and the fact he's starting something with you while his wife is pregnant makes me furious (at him, not you). You know what to do OP. Walk away from Dave. Let him be someone else's problem.

Nothing good can come of this. Essentially, either she finds out or it continues. For how long? Indefinitely? What if he finds another man or woman to have an affair with? What if he simply gets bored and wants the easier home life with the missus?

Find your own way, cut contact with Dave. You're in one of the great cities of the world, take advantage of it. You found Dave through message boards, who's to say you can't find more friends that way? There are tons of cultural and social events on every night in London, you need never sit in. Find something relatively inexpensive you like, be it music, art etc etc and get involved. Just don't involve this guy in it.

AnonUK1235 wrote: »

My best female friend's 2pence is that 'straight men' sleeping with other men does not constitute a full blown affair in the same way as if her husband slept with another woman, and that I shouldn't feel bad about having an emotional connection/a bit of physically closeness with this guy, esp as he's making the adjustment to the UK that bit easier for me - apparently most sane women would find it quite acceptable for their husbands to have connections with other gay men in this way? I'm not sure even the most liberal of females would share her viewpoint, after all, if you sleep with someone, is that not deception by keeping that from your wife?

.

No offence, your friend is wrong. I'm a woman and I think I would be doubly hurt if my boyfriend cheated on me with a man. First off, assuming he'd never told me he was bi or even gay (the end of the road scenario) I'd be extremely upset that he had chosen to hide such an important aspect of himself from me. Secondly, the thought would linger that sexually I wasn't enough for him or couldn't offer what he really wanted. Thirdly, and I don't want to sound homophobic, there would be a bit of an embarrassment that I'd been so dumb to marry/go out with someone who liked men- how could I not have been able to tell, how could he not have told me?

I can't speak for every woman out there, but cheating with someone of the same sex is just the same as cheating with someone of the opposite sex in my eyes. No, you shouldn't be beating yourself up, but HE should be.

strandroad

UKop wrote: »

I'm after receiving a text from him today inviting me over to family lunch at their home next Sunday. (He's already told his wife, lets call her Kate, about his new 'friend' - minus the intricate details). Somehow I don't think going over to the family home and meeting the other half is a great idea given the circumstances - I'd find it rather hard to stare Kate in the face when she's passing me the salad bowl knowing I've slept with her husband I haven't responded to the text yet, any suggestions about the most appropriate response, or indeed none at all?

Whatever about his cheating, this is sick. He's not only using you but also getting some sort of sick satisfaction from creating scenarios like this. It's the opposite of support, he's bringing you down. Delete his number now, blank him, cut him off. Go out and meet fresh people, clear your head of this toxic individual.

CaraMay

He is vicious and horrible for rubbing his innocent wife's nose it in by inviting you to their home.

Love2u

AnonUK1235 wrote: »

Self-explanatory title!

I hope this doesn't come across as a terribly cliche mills & boon plot-line but here goes....

I've recently moved to the UK in search of a graduate role. So far I've found it really tough and taxing - everything from all the admin of setting up in a new country to the stress of job/house-hunting itself - it's been really lonely and an uphill struggle from day one. I have a limited social circle here (not working hasn't helped expand it!), and am living in a rather dire houseshare with some very eclectic types. I'm spending alot of time staring at the four walls in my room, so any social contact I have with the people I do know helps lift my spirits and keeps me going. It doesn't help that whenever I ring my family in Ireland I usually end up having a little cry at the end of the phonecall -.-

Back in September, long before I moved to the UK, I made friends with 'David' online through a forum for people living and working in the city I moved to. We instantly had a great intellectual connection and lots in common from the outset. I should point out at this point that absolutely no sexual chemistry came into our online conversations and everything was platonic. I'm a gay male in my early 20's and he's a married man in his 30's with a child - and another one coming along the way!

Anywho, we had struck up a great friendship online and when we eventually met in person for coffee it was no different. Great chats, same sense of humor and outlook on the world. To say that he's been a good mate first and foremost would be an understatement - David's been my rock here, helping me with job advice/applications/interviews and acting as a sounding board on my really **** days when all I needed was someone to listen to my woes and disappointment's. We've been meeting up at least 3x a week for coffee or pints since I arrived.

On my birthday I invited him over for a few beers (two mind, we were by no means intoxicated to the point of no return). We were in my room having a good laugh and talking about nothing in particular when suddenly he leaned over and kissed me - long and short of it we ended up on the floor in each others arms.

Ever since then our coffee's have been tainted with handholding, footsie under the table and quick snogs on the cheek. We've ended up having a further naked encounter at mine. He terms it as a 'bromance'. According to David he's perfectly content with his wife and family life, he's just missing a close intellectual connection with a male mate, and it's a bonus that the sexual side of stuff has also creeped into it. To be fair to him, he's been rather upfront about the fact he's bisexual but happily married, and has no plans to leave his family life to run away me. He's also been honest enough to admit that although he has no qualms about the ''extras'' of our friendship, he doesn't want me to feel disrespected or used. If I'm not happy with it, I'm free to end the sexual side of things - but that's easier said then done when someones showering you with affection and leans over to whisper ''I Love you mate'' in your ear :-(.

I'm rather confused and not sure whats the best course of action to take. He's been such a great support to me, I love our friendship, but the sexual side of stuff is starting to hurt me. I'm starting to crave him when he's not here, thinking about him with his ''other woman'', and feeling pangs of jealousy and guilt at the fact that A) He's already married - already has a child his wife is pregnant with another one He's told me he loves me, but yet we are never going to have anything more then a friends with benefits type arrangement.

My best female friend's 2pence is that 'straight men' sleeping with other men does not constitute a full blown affair in the same way as if her husband slept with another woman, and that I shouldn't feel bad about having an emotional connection/a bit of physically closeness with this guy, esp as he's making the adjustment to the UK that bit easier for me - apparently most sane women would find it quite acceptable for their husbands to have connections with other gay men in this way? I'm not sure even the most liberal of females would share her viewpoint, after all, if you sleep with someone, is that not deception by keeping that from your wife?

I haven't set out to destroy a marriage, and at 22 I don't intend on having something like that on my conscience for the rest of my life.

Am I a homewrecker if I continue down this path with David? Does the wife always find out about these illicit encounters, am I deceiving myself by buying the 'secret bromance' line? Is it possible to come back from this to a point of friendship only after having slept with him twice and kissed him numerous times? Or should I make my adjustment to the UK all the more harder by cutting ties with him completely ?

Any tips for coping with the reality of moving to a new country and coping with the stress of it would also be really appreciated.

It's wrong the whole situation is wrong, he sounds like a person who is not a friend, he took advantage of you and he's taking advantage of his wife and children. Move on and learn from it. I feel so sorry for his wife and children. Why would you worry or concern yourself with someone who simply wants to hurt and use you.

Love2u

mhge wrote: »

Whatever about his cheating, this is sick. He's not only using you but also getting some sort of sick satisfaction from creating scenarios like this. It's the opposite of support, he's bringing you down. Delete his number now, blank him, cut him off. Go out and meet fresh people, clear your head of this toxic individual.

I agree 100% with you. I also think the wife needs to know that she is living with someone who is putting her at risk by sleeping around.

Roisy7

UKop wrote: »

OP here,

Thanks for all of the constructive replies. Moreso what I needed to hear then necessarily what I wanted to hear! I know what needs to be done in my own heart of hearts, its just the hard step of going ahead and doing it... as I say, I really like David as a supportive friend first and foremost which makes it all the more painful. Logically though, its the right thing to do.

I'm after receiving a text from him today inviting me over to family lunch at their home next Sunday. (He's already told his wife, lets call her Kate, about his new 'friend' - minus the intricate details). Somehow I don't think going over to the family home and meeting the other half is a great idea given the circumstances - I'd find it rather hard to stare Kate in the face when she's passing me the salad bowl knowing I've slept with her husband I haven't responded to the text yet, any suggestions about the most appropriate response, or indeed none at all?

This is probably a rhetorical question, but should I tell the wife? Does Kate deserve to know, or is ignorance best served when you are married with a child and pregnant?

This guy is a dick to be really honest, to you and to her. I feel really sorry for her tbh.

It's up to you whether you should tell her or not. Seeing as he comes across as quite the gameplayer, I wouldn't put it past him to deny everything or maybe pre-empt you by casting you as jealous or something. I don't envy you at all here. Either you tell her, shatter their marriage and be the cause of that, and maybe leave that poor woman have to raise her kids on her own, or let them live a lie. I can't imagine it's long before she'll find out, I imagine he makes a habit of this.

You have some tough decisions in front of you, but don't go to this lunch. This is just twisted from him.

Idle Passerby

Ugh! He is playing such toxic games here.

If I were you Id text him saying you are not comfortable with the turn your friendship has taken and no longer want him to contact you. Then block his number if you can.

In terms of his wife, I think if it was me in her shoes I would want to know the truth but coming from her husbands bit on the side is not going to go down well and David would most likely pass it off as untrue.

Is there any way you could send an anonymous message explaining what her husband is up to? Either way, Id wait until after you've safely extricated yourself from David before considering telling the wife.

Love2u

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Ugh! He is playing such toxic games here.

If I were you Id text him saying you are not comfortable with the turn your friendship has taken and no longer want him to contact you. Then block his number if you can.

In terms of his wife, I think if it was me in her shoes I would want to know the truth but coming from her husbands bit on the side is not going to go down well and David would most likely pass it off as untrue.

Is there any way you could send an anonymous message explaining what her husband is up to? Either way, Id wait until after you've safely extricated yourself from David before considering telling the wife.

I think he should wait for the poor wife to give birth first, it would add terrible strain to her and her unborn child. The wife needs to know that her husband is not faithful and is not the man she possibly thought he was.

LegacyUser

Hi Folks,

Finally made the step to cut all contact/block and draw a line under the whole thing. It's hard now but i know it will be better in the long run for all parties concerned. As far as communication goes with David, its definitely over.

I've decided not to tell the wife. I don't feel its my place to destroy a family or put a pregnant woman in the position of hearing this bombshell from me. I'll let himself be the one to cause the carnal damage and clean up his own mess/deal with the fallout if she finds out or he comes clean (doubtful!). For now i'm walking away, learning from it and moving on - not making the same mistake of falling for an attached person twice.

Mods, I feel i've gotten all of the advice and opinion needed from this thread, thanks to everyone who gave their opinion. Please lock it now the situation has come to a head, many thanks.

Love2u

UKop wrote: »

Hi Folks,

Finally made the step to cut all contact/block and draw a line under the whole thing. It's hard now but i know it will be better in the long run for all parties concerned. As far as communication goes with David, its definitely over.

I've decided not to tell the wife. I don't feel its my place to destroy a family or put a pregnant woman in the position of hearing this bombshell from me. I'll let himself be the one to cause the carnal damage and clean up his own mess/deal with the fallout if she finds out or he comes clean (doubtful!). For now i'm walking away, learning from it and moving on - not making the same mistake of falling for an attached person twice.

Mods, I feel i've gotten all of the advice and opinion needed from this thread, thanks to everyone who gave their opinion. Please lock it now the situation has come to a head, many thanks.

Good luck to you and PLEASE keep away from anyone attached next time. You can't mess with marriages and families, think of the poor children, they are the ones who suffer the most.

Neyite

Locked at op's request.