Want to travel but married

LegacyUser

I'm in a job where I have three months holidays in the summer. I wouldn't be in the job without those holidays. My wife, at a push, can take three weeks in the summer but because of an ongoing injury she cannot do much in the sense of an active holiday. Whatever break we will take together will be sedentary at best.

As we're not long married, I'm acutely conscious that this is probably going to be my last summer without the responsibility of raising children. I'm also mindful of the huge number of places in the world which I haven't had the ability to see because I've been focused on career development. It's only now that I've reached a stage where I've sufficient money and job security to travel. I just want to see more of the world, to tick off boxes so to speak, before the next 20 years or so of child rearing start.

Herself, unfortunately, feels personally slighted that I would want to leave her and do this when she could spend that time with me. I don't see it as any reflection of her, but rather of me. I feel that time is catching up on me and that if I don't do it now I never will and I'll regret it. I know once it's out of my system I'll be more appreciative of things here.

Is there any halfway point here? Thank you.

P. Breathnach

You may consider me old-fashioned, and I would agree that I am.

Marriage is a commitment, and you sacrifice things for your spouse and your relationship. In a good relationship, you would hardly ever question that.

Those places that you dream of visiting will still be there in 20 years' time.

You might defer parenthood for a couple of years and undertake some three-week trips before you take on the responsibility of child-rearing.

It is possible to travel with children, albeit in a different way than you would without any.

slowburner

I very much concur with PB that this is a critical time in the evolution of your married life and I too am old fashioned.

On one hand, you could feel stifled (which could lead to resentment) if not allowed to experience your last adventure.
On the other, your fiancée needs to understand this, and to understand that it is her condition which excludes her, not her the person.
The key thing is to communicate your feelings with honesty, absolute truth and commitment.
Good marriages are built on good communication.

CaraMay

Op I agree with the above two posters who say you have (just recently) made a commitment to a new wife and I've often heard the early stages of marriage are very important to set a base for life ahead. You have had many years to do your travelling and it's not fair to start it now.

nino1

itchycosa wrote: »

My wife, at a push, can take three weeks in the summer but because of an ongoing injury she cannot do much in the sense of an active holiday. Whatever break we will take together will be sedentary at best.

Jeez, your a real gentleman!
Instead of being sympathic to your wife's injury you lament how it's affect you!
You poor thing, not being able to go on more than a 3 week holiday, life has really dealt you a tough hand!!

Paddy1234

You should have done if before you got married in my opinion. I was in the same boat as you - I left my girlfriend for 8 months to go travelling but now we're married and wouldn't dream of doing it again.

However I think there should be compromise on both sides.

Can your wife apply for an extended break in the Summer? That way ye could go on a big holiday.
There's no reason why the holiday has to bd the same for both of ye - find somewhere where you can get out and do some active things the odd day and let your wife hang around the beach or spa or just relax.
That way ye get the best of both worlds. I'm sure if it means that much to you your wife would be more than happy to find a workable solution.

All the best in whatever you decide.

A Primal Nut

Depends how old fashioned you are. Personally I don't see why people think married couples should spend all their time together. I feel sorry for your wife for her injury but the idea that a marriage is a commitment where you have be with your wife all the time just sounds scary to me. Absolutely nothing wrong with a break in my opinion. You will have years together so three months apart is nothing.

I can understand she might not be happy about it but there are times you have to be selfish in life. You only live once is a cliché but so be it. Just go. Im sure your wife will be ok. If being apart from her husband for three months is the worst thing happens in her life she can be pretty happy overall.

A Primal Nut

Paddy1234 wrote: »

You should have done if before you got married in my opinion. I was in the same boat as you - I left my girlfriend for 8 months to go travelling but now we're married and wouldn't dream of doing it again.

Why does marriage change anything? Unless theee is some religious reason there is no reason to change behaviour after marriage. If she can tolerate being apart from you before you are married what difference does it make afterwards?

Babies changes everything thats true but marriage nah. In fact I think the reason many marriages break down is because people change and start becoming overly committed and start to resent their partner.

Many people have to travel for work and be away from their wife and even kids for months and years yet they survive. Three away from the missus with no kids involved is nothing.

CaraMay

A Primal Nut wrote: »

there is no reason to change behaviour after marriage.

He is the one changing his behaviour after he got married.

A Primal Nut

Not really, he's responding to a new opportunity. I dunno, if my girlfriend got an opportunity to travel for three months but I couldn't make it I'd be happy for her, and tell her to enjoy herself. I certainly wouldn't be sitting at home resenting her and feeling sorry for myself. Just because you get married to someone does not mean you own them - this is the 21st century and the OP should do what he wants.

CaraMay

But he shouldn't do what his wife really doesn't want.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

OP needs to grow up and face his responsibilities as a husband. He sounds very self centred , selfish and ( to be honest) a real pain. Be thankful for what you have and use the 3 months leave to make things more comfortable and stress free for your wife and maybe mature a bit.

strandroad

Does your wife also want to travel, but can't (due to her injury/insufficient leave)? If so, leaving her behind would be quite selfish and inconsiderate indeed. Much better to postpone/reschedule your trip so you can do them in manageable chunks.

If she doesn't want to travel but it's so important to you, I don't see nothing wrong with you being apart for 2+ months (provided that she can join you for her three weeks in some less physically challenging location).

Your post does sound very "me me me" though, so if your requests are presented in similar manner perhaps she is not responding to them too well.

The Princess Bride

There is nothing in a marriage contract that says you have to be joined at the hip, and do absolutely everything together.

You are looking for a halfway point?
The advantage to you having 3 month long holidays,is that you could-perhaps-have an active holiday by yourself,and a sedentary holiday with your wife?

As your wife ,however,is not 100% well - perhaps for this year- you should consider her recovering a priority,and a relaxing,sedentary holiday might just help that?

Just a suggestion.

Sleepy

What does your wife expect you to do with your holidays? Laze about the house until she gets home from work? Do the housework and have her dinner on the table when she gets in?

I find it quite weird that someone who loves you enough to marry you would behave in such a fashion unless you'd given her reason to mistrust you in the past?

mood

Why did you not talk to your wife about this before getting married?

December2012

It doesn't matter if every response here says you are in the right - you and your wife have to work out what works for you.

What kind of compromise can you reach?

Can you go away for two weeks while she's working, and holiday together when she's off?

What kind if holidays does she want?

This is a great time to set down communication and compromise tools for the rest of your married life.

Don't worry about being right - be concerned with bring happily married.

A Primal Nut

CaraMay wrote: »

But he shouldn't do what his wife really doesn't want.

Why not? Why is her happiness more important than his? Also since when is what your spouse wants the most important thing? If a controlling guy didn't want his wife going out with her friends, should she not do what her husband doesn't really want? It's his life, he should do what he wants first and foremost.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

It doesn't matter if every response here says you are in the right - you and your wife have to work out what works for you.

+1 OP at the end of the day everyones relationship is different so it doesn't really matter what our opinions of how a marriage should work - for some people once your married your joined at the hip while others don't view it as so restrictive. I know plenty of married people who've gone traveling without their partner for various reasons but the main thing was they had discussed and agreed everything with their partner. Just because your married does not mean you have to do everything together nor share the same hobbies or interests - a good friend of mine went off to South Africa for a month and half for the world cup and stayed some extra time seeing as it was such a long flight and he wasn't likely to visit again, his wife had no interest in either football or visiting South Africa and no one thought it odd he went without her.

If you want to travel but your wife either has no interest or is unable then you need to discus this and come to a compromise that you are both happy with. If she flat out refuses to discus the topic then she's not being fair to you but at the same time if you sulk and moan your missing out if you don't go your being unfair to her. You could start or end a trip in Europe which would be easier for her to travel around and you can head further a field from there on your own or maybe you come home for the time she has off - maybe she'd like a week or two of you being home when she gets in from work or maybe there's stuff that needs doing around the house that you could spend a week or two of your holidays sorting. We really can't say OP as we are not your or your wife and don't know what would work best - ask her and be ready to make a compromise and be able and willing to be flexible. It would be great to go for 3 months but 2 months with 3 weeks of one month traveling with your wife and one month at home isn't the end of the world is it?

P. Breathnach

A Primal Nut wrote: »

Why not? Why is her happiness more important than his? Also since when is what your spouse wants the most important thing? If a controlling guy didn't want his wife going out with her friends, should she not do what her husband doesn't really want? It's his life, he should do what he wants first and foremost.

If a marriage is to last, it requires that both parties accommodate one another's needs and desires. What is needed takes precedence over what is desired.

meeeeh

itchycosa wrote: »

I'm in a job where I have three months holidays in the summer. I wouldn't be in the job without those holidays.

I think this is your bigger problem. You spent years building a career in a field you like just because you have long holidays!? First start looking for a job you won't be miserable in for nine months of the year.

AS for the traveling, it depends where you want to go. For example you could do USA and Canada, your wife can come with you to New York, you could even drive together to Montreal and then she flies home and you spend the rest traveling around by yourself and doing more active stuff. The same arrangements can be made for Europe, it's even easier. You could do a road trip around Europe or do inter rail or Domino or whatever they offer non-students now. I'm guessing though you have a very ambitious plan to squeeze in half the planet, possibly Asia and Australia, and that will never work.

shalalala

Why not compromise OP? You go away for two weeks or so on your own. And then meet your wife somewhere for the three weeks that she has for her holidays. That way you get to do the adventurous stuff, your wife will only have two weeks without you and will be looking forward to seeing you abroad and also you get over a month travelling!