Does my mam have a .............? <mod snip - issues with mother>

LegacyUser

Hi,

I just wanted to see if anyone could shed some light on my troubled relationship with my mam. I find her very hard to understand:

- She has let her alcoholic partner bully me throughout my childhood, calling me a "worthless piece of ****", "waste of space" etc. Even when I was in primary school he would say that I was "ungenuine". As a child I used to get so upset because I didn't know what ungenuine meant or how I could be more genuine. These are just two examples of the constant and unrelenting mental torture that I was put through by her partner.

- She is a very charming woman with lots of friends, her friends would say she is caring and considerate, but her friends have never ever seen the side of her that I have seen. For example if her friend called with a problem she would spend hours on the phone listening and consoling the friend. Sometimes I have been upset and rang her and she has spoken to me with utter contempt, telling me to "get a grip".

- It is impossible to talk to her about our "problems", she just snaps at me, or else she agrees with what I say to shut me up and then changes the subject, making me feel like I'm simply annoying her.

- She is very manipulative, I like to think I am an intelligent person but she can wrap me around her finger without me even realising it. For example we are both worried about how my little brother will get through college, my dad (her ex-husband) has become very tight with money. There is a chance he will wash his hands of my little brother. If this does happen I have offered to help pay for his education when I get a job (I'm studying computer science so I've a good chance getting employment). One day I said to mam "if I got him a car he could live with you and drive to college, then we wouldn't need to worry about his accommodation or food expenses".
Well my mam did not like this idea at all. She wants to have her house to herself and her partner. The thought of my brother being there all the time was too much for her to handle. That's when I realised that she had been manipulating me the whole time. She wanted me to pay for my brothers education but wasn't even willing to have hime live with her! I felt like such a tool when I realised that.

- I would call her a "fair weather mother", because she is only interested in having me in her life if it does not require any effort. For example I used to live with her, but her partner didn't like me. She told me I wasn't welcome in her house and I was shuttled off to my dads house.

I'm guessing that it all really boils down to her not having any motherly feelings for me. It might have something to do with me being a girl, because she is very affectionate to me little brother.

<Mod Snip - no requests for diagnosis>? Or is there just someone about me that repulses her:(

Thanks for reading this.

Taltos

OP - it is against our charter to ask for or provide medical advice or a diagnosis - as a result I have snipped those sections from your thread and have modified the title.

Taltos

mashedbanana

My heart goes out to you. I myself have a very manipulative, selfish, spoilt, controling mother. i once (not a all that ong ago) posted a question about her looking for advise. Since then I have educated myself on these type of 'mammys' and feel so much better for it. It's very tough though.

To start with, if you start putting your habd in your pocket to support your younger brother, you will be sucked dry. An older sibling should never have to do this for a younger sibling. You're not a cash machine. This is not your brothers fault, but your mother will bleed you dry.

She has (looks like) put some fella before her own children. Shame on her. But she's probably one of them mothers that claims no responsibility for ever doing any wrong. She 'did her her best'....blah blah blah.....'Am I not entitled to be hapy'..... blah blah blah. Seems like her children are/were in the way. You didn't have the mental maturity to understand all that when you were a child. But when you grew up, and had a good look...you saw her for what she was (not pretty is it???)

I'm sure she can be a very charming woman, street cred matters alot to her no doubt. This is a bit like, street angel, house devil. Ever hear that saying? There is alot of truth in it. It looks like keeping her fella happy was more important to her, then the chlildren. Maybe she feared being 'on her own' ...and it came with a price. You, your feelings, your brother are not overly important to her.

You have realised that she may not have strong feelings for you (unless you're useful/providing a service) So i can't tell you from my own experience.... cut your losses. You are never ever gonna get from this woman what you so desperately crave. The love, exceptance, her time, a mammy.

For some messed up reason she is resentful of you. Are you, a happy, sucessful person, regular nice person? Getting on with life, with goals, and things to look forward to? You are probably everything that SHE is not/never could be. Do you homework on this. There are LOADS of books out there about troubled relationships with 'mammy'. Facinating stuff. Jagged pill to swallow though! Been There, Done That. Chin up! x