Boyfriend is on online dating website

LegacyUser

Have been in a relationship for the last 6months. Everything has been going great. I was using his laptop and I found out that my boyfriend has been using an online dating website and has been actively using this website recently. Iam devastated - he told me he's not a player and respects people etc but this clearly isnt respect - what should I do? I'm nearly in tears here writing this - I feel so betrayed. As I said everything is going so well until I found this out please help

judgefudge

Sorry to hear that. I'd be thankful that you found out soon enough into the relationship to be honest. I think you should confront him about it and then walk away. There really is no excuse for this behaviour, particularly so early in a relationship.

volauvent

Yeh had that experience before. Mine was on 5 of them actually. It might be just curiosity. I doubt he's meeting them. Its a nasty thing for you to come across. It knocked me for six

Magicmatilda

This happened to me about 5 months into a relationship. I confronted him and made it clear I wasn't happy. He signed off, closed the profile and all. A year later, on instinct I checked another site and there he was, recently updated. He was on a few and it turned out he was cheating on me all along. With several people. That was my experience.

To be honest if he was really interested in having a monogamous relationship with you, he would not have any need to be on these sites. You mentioned respect, by doing this he is not respecting your relationship or you. It's up to you to decide how much respect you deserve. I would suggest it's more than this. If you chose to continue this relationship, do so with your eyes open and willing to accept responsibility for that choice. If I were in your position again, I would simply tell him what I saw and end the relationship. I regret not having done that 5 months in. It would have saved me a huge amount of heartache a year and a half in.

Stavro Mueller

Be prepared for some lame-ass excuses. Such as he was only on the site out of curiosity/to make friends/for keeping in touch with girls he'd met before you. The other one, which he probably can't pull on this occasion is "My friend set up the profile for a joke"....

MikeCork2009

Walk away. I know its awful after 6 months but whatever he says I doubt he will change or that you could/should trust him again. Imagine if you found out after a year, after you are married, after you have had children. Be happy that you found out now. I know its upsetting but you deserve better and he is a jerk. Dump him and move on

Andrethegiant

I reiterate what the other posters have said. The writing is on the wall with this. If you say all was great up to that, it just proves how good of a liar he is. If it were me, I could not trust this person at all.

Run for the hills and be grateful, you got out early. I wouldn't even elude to your discovery either. I would say that Im just not into you anymore and leave it at that. The reason I am saying this is because this guy is obviously a good manipulator, you are in tears and upset, he could well turn this on you or convince you it was a once off etc.

No dice, a leopard doesn't change his spots. Im well seasoned in this area believe me, forgive them once and its an open licence to do it again at a later date, most likely at a time when you need support etc.

Best of luck, Op stay strong.

Neyite

cymbaline wrote: »

"My friend set up the profile for a joke"....

And if he is the kind of person that finds a fake profile in order to lie to potential dates, abuse their trust, and snigger about them behind their backs, a hoot, they are not worth keeping either. In fact, I think those kind of people might be worse...

December2012

Leave him, he is either cheating on you or looking for someone "better". He's not in the relationship.

CaraMay

Dump and run and don't look back.

RossFixxxed

There is only one reason to be on a dating site, and if he actually has been using it recently there's not much wiggle room on that one IMHO. It's time to kick him to the kerb I'm afraid. I can't see any other reason under the sun for this.

Catphish

so upset wrote: »

Have been in a relationship for the last 6months. Everything has been going great. I was using his laptop and I found out that my boyfriend has been using an online dating website and has been actively using this website recently. Iam devastated - he told me he's not a player and respects people etc but this clearly isnt respect - what should I do? I'm nearly in tears here writing this - I feel so betrayed. As I said everything is going so well until I found this out please help

He isn't committed to the relationship, and appears to be keeping his options open if he has been actively using the site. Sorry to say it, but I'd move on if I were you.

Toast4532

I would dump him.

There is no excuse for a man (or woman) in a committed relationship to be using any dating site, and certainly not to be active on them.

Either he is or has cheated on you or else he is still looking for someone else.

You'd be better off without him.

homerjay2005

before the usual scorn on men on this place, shouldnt the OP define what she means by "actively using"?

is he actually arranging dates, message people etc etc or is he just looking at a website!?

if he is arranging dates, then theres more of a problem that online dating, he is a cheat plain and simple, but this is not clear...by looking at the site he is doing very little wrong IMO.

Catphish

homerjay2005 wrote: »

before the usual scorn on men on this place, shouldnt the OP define what she means by "actively using"?

is he actually arranging dates, message people etc etc or is he just looking at a website!?

if he is arranging dates, then theres more of a problem that online dating, he is a cheat plain and simple, but this is not clear...by looking at the site he is doing very little wrong IMO.

6 months into a relationship and he still has an account on an online dating site, which he appears to be checking regularly. It doesn't exactly smack of someone who is committed to a relationship. It's irrelevant as to whether he is arranging dates or not, he's keeping his options open. Nobody is claiming that he's cheating, there is no way of knowing that. He's just not committing to what he has with the op. All we do know is that he is looking or may be in touch with other women on the site, that alone would be telling of where his head is at.

homerjay2005

Catphish wrote: »

6 months into a relationship and he still has an account on an online dating site, which he appears to be checking regularly. It doesn't exactly smack of someone who is committed to a relationship. It's irrelevant as to whether he is arranging dates or not, he's keeping his options open. Nobody is claiming that he's cheating, there is no way of knowing that. He's just not committing to what he has with the op. All we do know is that he is looking or may be in touch with other women on the site, that alone would be telling of where his head is at.

until the OP clarifies what she defines as active, you cannot say for sure what is going on. looking at a dating website is harmless IMO, until you act on it.

if you think otherwise, where do you draw the line? dump a man if he looks at page 3 in the sun? give him the boot if he reads the online dating forum on boards? break up with him if he talks to another girl while he is out?

fair enough if he is arranging dates or send these people messages - thats cheating, but we have no indication yet and as usual on this forum, the man is a bast*ard no matter what the evidence is or in this case, isnt.

can the OP clarify please what he is actually doing?

Catphish

homerjay2005 wrote: »

until the OP clarifies what she defines as active, you cannot say for sure what is going on. looking at a dating website is harmless IMO, until you act on it.

Not a lot would agree with you on that. Why else would you look at a dating site?

if you think otherwise, where do you draw the line? dump a man if he looks at page 3 in the sun? give him the boot if he reads the online dating forum on boards? break up with him if he talks to another girl while he is out?

I didn't know there was a dating forum here, but yes if the guy is looking at that, then yes, he is sniffing in my opinion. regarding page 3 and talking to another girl, it doesn't fall under the same category here. That's just silly jealousy.

Stavro Mueller

If you look back at her original post, she said

...I found out that my boyfriend has been using an online dating website and has been actively using this website recently. I am devastated - he told me he's not a player and respects people etc but this clearly isn't respect -

I can't think of any reason why a man in a supposedly committed relationship would be going anywhere near a dating website unless he was keeping his options open. And comparing that to someone looking at Page 3 is frankly ridiculous. One is a passive form of entertainment, the other is interactive.

Czarcasm

cymbaline wrote: »

If you look back at her original post, she said



I can't think of any reason why a man in a supposedly committed relationship would be going anywhere near a dating website unless he was keeping his options open. And comparing that to someone looking at Page 3 is frankly ridiculous. One is a passive form of entertainment, the other is interactive.

This is one of the problems with RI and PI in general. The OP has given very little in the way of history or dynamics of the relationship for anyone here to go on, and yet for most posters here the automatic assumption is that the boyfriend is cheating, yet we can't even agree on what's cheating and what, well, isn't.

This is why the OP needs to clarify and quantify exactly what IS her boyfriend ACTUALLY doing on these dating sites-

Is he just chatting to other members and letting them know how their relationship is going?

Is he browsing for girl's pictures and downloading them a folder on the desktop?

Is he arranging meetings with girls?


Now before they answer these questions, the OP and other people here should remember that any of this can be done on facebook, for free, and as a former Admin of a dating site myself, I still often pop in for a chat and to see how things are going, and the biggest thread to the site is the likes of facebook and numerous other sites and apps for mobile that make it far too easy for a person to cheat on their partner should they want to.

My wife spends a lot of her time online on facebook, and I don't care to know what she's at because I have no interest in facebook, trust doesn't even come into it at this stage tbh, it's just a given between us.

I was recently invited by a friend to join a site which was like a rather more obviously explicit version of facebook, the idea behind the site being a social network for those into the whole BDSM scene. I tried it, not really my bag, didn't interest me, so I didn't bother going back.

I understand it's only six months into the relationship for the OP, but given we don't even know the OP's and her boyfriend's age, six months is relative.

What actually matters is how is the relationship otherwise? Does the OP feel she could ask the boyfriend what's the story with this stuff? Where indeed as someone pointed out earlier are his boundaries and where do they square with her boundaries, and what is considered personally private and what isn't, and talk about respecting each other's personal privacy.

This could be a good opportunity for the OP to have a discussion of all these issues with her boyfriend rather than cut and run every time a guy so much as even looks at or talks to another girl.

As has been displayed in this thread already- one person's idea of petty jealousy could be another person's idea of emotionally cheating and not being committed to the relationship.

homerjay2005

Czarcasm wrote: »

This is one of the problems with RI and PI in general. The OP has given very little in the way of history or dynamics of the relationship for anyone here to go on, and yet for most posters here the automatic assumption is that the boyfriend is cheating, yet we can't even agree on what's cheating and what, well, isn't.


As has been displayed in this thread already- one person's idea of petty jealousy could be another person's idea of emotionally cheating and not being committed to the relationship.

great post. unfortunately some of the female posters here give a bad impression of the decent girls who actually are reasonable and are willing to give a chance and listen.

if he is arranging dates, then there is no defending - he is a cheat and the OP should leave. BUT as yet, the facts are not clear and people should accept this and wait before the usual burn him at the stake attitude of the boards female contingent.

your point about facebook is really valid, there is little difference between the two IMO, both are forms of passive social interaction. its how a user chooses to act on that interaction is the key.

Treehousetim

Yeh people Google and look at all sorts of things. You might end up disappointed if you are too judgemental with people for these things. Its too hard for us to know really. You know the guy and his character so its your call OP.

Hunchback

Get rid

PandaBoy8

The obvious thing to do is to break up with him. The only reason he is on an online dating site is because he is cheating on you. And you should never be with someone that disrespects you like that. He will try to sweet talk you and have to fight it and move on and find another boyfriend that with love you and respect you.

I know because I use online dating for the exact same reasons. It is perfect for getting laid, especially the one that I go to.

So quit wasting your tears already and kick him to the side.

derstern

Get out.

He's wasting your time, you deserve better than that.