Dilemma - what to do?

mel.b

I'm interested in what others think I should do - sorry for the long post!

My sister and her husband (who live in NZ) are going to America for 3 weeks, and my mother (who lives in Australia) is going over to NZ to babysit for 2 weeks. For the other week my 2yr old niece is staying with her other set of grandparents who literally live around the corner.

My mum has been pressuring me to fly from Ireland over, so I can baby sit with her. Its unlikely my dad will be able to go over to NZ as well because of work, so she'll be there alone and they live out on a farm outside Christchurch, so there's not anything to do unless she drives into CHCH.

I'd like to go over and see my niece (not too keen on the 2 weeks of baby sitting though:o), but airfares will cost be in the region of E1200 - 1300 if not more. My problem is that I am saving for a deposit on my first home. I have my deposit saved, but the bank have asked me to save some extra for stamp duty and legals etc, which I will have saved by the end of April. So my savings after that will be for a bed, couch, table - all the stuff you need when you get your first home. I've also actually found the house I want to buy, however the vendors won't go sale agreed until they have gone sale agreed on a house they want to buy - which could be tomorrow or it could be in 3 months time.

So the financial dilemma is part of the issue. If i had more clarity on when the house purchase would go through it would make it easier.

The other side of the dilemma is that my mum (who is in her late 50's) has been suffering from reoccurring Cellulitis after a really unlucky run of 12mths + of health problems. She has probably had at least 6 bouts of cellulitis in the past 6mths and when I spoke to her last night she was actually in hospital with it (the first time she has had to be hospitalised with it). I'm concerned now about how she will manage looking after her grand daughter when she goes to NZ if she gets cellulitis again (and I'd say the chances of that happening are high as the last two times she has been over there she has got it). The other grandparents who live just around the corner aren't as accommodating with babysitting etc, hence them only looking after her for a week and my mum taking annual leave from work and flying from Australia to look after her for two weeks. My sister won't bring my niece over to Australia for mum to baby sit there instead.

So leaving aside the fact that I don't think my sister should be leaving her 2yr old daughter for 3 weeks, what do I do? Financially, I can but I can't afford it if you know what i mean and I have the annual leave available but I'm worried about my mum.

ElleEm

Have you spoken to your sister about your mam's health, and encouraged her to make the baby sitting easy on her?

This isn't something you should be involved in, to be honest. I think you would be mad to spend that amount of money and time flying to Australia to help your mam babysit! Especially seen as you are in the final stages of buying a house.

It seems like your sister needs a bit more cop on. Your mam hasn't been well, and is willing to fly to another country to babysit so she can go on a holiday. Your sister and her husband should have taken this into account when booking their holiday. It's hardly like her health issues were a surprise. It seems like they are being selfish, especially seen as the husband's parents are so close, yet they expect your mam to fly over from Australia in ill health to help them.

If I was you, I would call your sister and lay all this out for her. She may be so caught up in her own stuff that she doesn't realise that your mam is genuinely ill.

mel.b

Thanks ElleEm. I haven't spoken to my sister about it - I'm not even sure if she's aware mum is in hospital - mum didn't let me know, it was the fact I rang her that she told me.

Other than the reoccurring cellulitis mum's health is good now. However in late 2010 - 2011 she had a knee reconstruction, then literally 2 days before she was due back to work, she fell badly and shattered her femur above the reconstruction. Then just as that was getting better she was diagnosed with stage 1 cervical cancer and needed minor surgery and removal of lymph nodes in the groin as a result. So a really bad run for 12months, but she is all good now, apart from this cellulitis that keeps coming back.

I think my sister is being selfish - this holiday is partly work for her husband but my sister in particular wants to do some things where having a toddler with them would be difficult, such as hiking and going to Vegas. I know she loves her daughter and will do anything for her but at the same time she doesn't let her stand in way of her lifestyle!

Daisy M

Leave your mum and sister to it, don't pass judgement and don't get involved. Tell your mum you have thought about it and decided you would prefer to go over when your sister is there so you could catch up with her too. Do not get into big explanations or justifying how you spend your money, do not ask your mum if she is able or suggest to your sister that she may not be able, they are both big enough to speak for themselves.

anmhi02

Hi
Sorry but with all the best intentions in the world I think you shoyld say it to your sister about your mums health. Has she taken into account that the long air flight increases her risk of dvt??? Your poor mum wouldn't be any good to anyone if that happened or if her cellulitis flared up again. If that was my mum I wouldn't be too happy with her going....purely for health reasons.

woodchuck

You can't afford to do it, so don't!

If your sister doesn't know about your mothers health problems, maybe let her know. If she knew maybe she'd arrange for the kids to go her or make completely alternative arrangements with someone else.

mel.b wrote: »

I think my sister is being selfish - this holiday is partly work for her husband but my sister in particular wants to do some things where having a toddler with them would be difficult, such as hiking and going to Vegas. I know she loves her daughter and will do anything for her but at the same time she doesn't let her stand in way of her lifestyle!

I'm sorry, but this really isn't any of your business. She doesn't have to justify taking a child-free holiday to you. Try not to let your personal opinions about this affect what you might say to her about your mother and the babysitting.

Neyite

I think you should come clean to your sister about your mothers illnesses, explain you cant help (this time) and ask your sister to arrange maybe mornings in a creche/ playschool for her child, so that your mother only really has lunchtimes to bedtimes with a toddler and outside of that, can get some rest.

She is, after all getting free childcare (for a trip that's partly employer-funded too), and your mother is out of pocket using up her annual leave, so its the least she could do. Or she could arrange lots of play dates (to be reciprocated when the holiday is over) Anything to give your mother a few hours a day break.

And she needs to provide numbers of helpful trusted friends that can help in an emergency should your mother relapse.

Just talk to her in a non-jugemental way, explaining that your mother asked you to help so it seems she needs assistance and you unfortunately cant provide it at this time- that all your funds are tied up (no need to go into detail there)

QuiteInterestin

mel.b wrote: »

My mum has been pressuring me to fly from Ireland over, so I can baby sit with her. Its unlikely my dad will be able to go over to NZ as well because of work, so she'll be there alone and they live out on a farm outside Christchurch, so there's not anything to do unless she drives into CHCH.

This it the part that stuck out for me. Your mother is putting pressure on you to fly halfway around the world at great expense to help her baby sit so that your sister can have a great holiday. That's unfair and its not your responsibility. If your mother isn't sure she'll be able to manage your niece she should be discussing alternative arrangements with your sister e.g. going to creche for part of the day, not expecting you to fly half way around the world as a solution. I think you'd be better not to get involved as its between your mother and your sister, telling your sister that its too much for your mother might come back on you as if your sister turns around and asks your mother if its too much for her and she says no, then you look like you're causing trouble. Explain to your mother that you can't afford the expense of such a holiday but that she should talk to your sister about different things they could set up to try and make your mothers time babysitting easier or if your mother doesn't feel up to it on her own, to look at alternative arrangements.

mel.b

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I think mum wants me to come over because she's going to be bored, being stuck on a farm with a two yr old, rather than being not able to manage her. Mum knows i can't really afford it, but like any mum she misses her daughter and it's hard when one daughter lives in Ireland and one in New Zealand. I was last home just over 12months ago now. I like the idea of getting my niece into some more creche while mum is there - i know she already goes a couple of afternoons a week. Worried though that mum will be even more bored though, but at least it gives her some down time.

And you're right QuiteInterestin, mum would never say it is too much for her. As her grand daughter lives in another country she doesn't get to see her often and i know that makes mum sad, so there is no way she would say no to looking after her.

Mum is hoping to be discharged from hospital today. She is having further investigations into why the infection is reoccuring. As the trip isn't until June it gives the docs some time to hopefully get on top of it and get it under control. However, i think i will mention just quietly to my dad, what happens if mum gets sick while she is over there? To be honest, i don't know if the thought has occured to them - it ony occured to me tonight.