Marriage in trouble - desperate for an answer

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this…

I'm literally chewed up inside over my marriage. I don’t even know if I can put this all down in words.

We are together for years but only married for a few. I love him but like a brother or a friend. There is zero sexual attraction. It’s not that the spark has gone and I want some excitement, I just am not attracted to him at all. Any kind of intimacy with him makes me feel physically sick. Sex is just about bearable if I don’t look at him and just think of it as an action. I can’t kiss him apart from a peck on the lips – it just feels so wrong. I don’t know how this happened or, rather, how it happened without me noticing. How do I get back to where we were? Is it even possible? I don’t know what to do.

He deserves so much more and we young enough to start again. Part of me thinks that I should let him go now to find someone who can love him the way a wife should. But then I think about the possibility that he won’t find someone else and I can’t bear the thought of hurting him. That’s what confuses me so much – I really do love him.

If I could know for sure that, say, he would be madly in love with the perfect girl and her with him within a couple of months I would break up with him in a heartbeat. I want him to have everything he wants – the wife, the kids. I just don’t want to be the one to give them to him. But at the same time I wish it could be me. I don’t want to feel this way. I’d give anything to be able to go back.

Merkin

You sound from your post that it's not a simple case of the sexual attraction fizzling out but that you are in fact repulsed by him (not being able to look at him for example). Has his appearance undergone some dramatic change of late? (like weight gain or has he stopped taking an interest in personal hygiene)

P. Breathnach

Something else to clarify: is it possible that you are off sex generally, or off sex with him in particular?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

You sound from your post that it's not a simple case of the sexual attraction fizzling out but that you are in fact repulsed by him (not being able to look at him for example). Has his appearance undergone some dramatic change of late? (like weight gain or has he stopped taking an interest in personal hygiene)

I'm not repulsed by him as a person. It just feels like being intimate with a mate or a brother. No, he's not changed at all physically. I still look at him and see that he is an attractive guy objectively like I can look at a guy and appreciate that he is good looking but still not fancy him.

No I don't think I've gone off sex generally. I mean I haven't jumped into bed with anyone else but, without going into details, I'm fairly sure my sex drive is still there!

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

You sound from your post that it's not a simple case of the sexual attraction fizzling out but that you are in fact repulsed by him (not being able to look at him for example). Has his appearance undergone some dramatic change of late? (like weight gain or has he stopped taking an interest in personal hygiene)

Sorry just to clarify - I don't like to look him in the eyes when we are being intimate (other times it's not a problem to look at him). I guess if I'm being brutally honest I'm afraid what he'll see in my eyes and that he'll know I'm faking it and just going through the actions.

Merkin

While I know daily red-hot sex sessions can wane in a long term sexual relationship, I do think a healthy sex life is an amazing expression of adult love for your partner and an active and enjoyable sex life to my mind is the cement that holds a couple together and makes them really close.

If the thought of sex with your husband genuinely makes you feel sick then I'd say that's symptomatic of all not being well at all. It is possible to love someone and just not be in love with them anymore. I've been there and I ended the relationship and ultimately you have to go for the life you want and deserve with someone you really love and fancy like mad.

If you've no children and you don't see a future with this man then I'd be talking to him about separating tbh. No point in dragging it out if you feel nothing for him par platonic affection.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

If you've no children and you don't see a future with this man then I'd be talking to him about separating tbh. No point in dragging it out if you feel nothing for him par platonic affection.

We've no children yet. I don't see a future with him as it is now even though I wish I could. Even if I could accept a marriage that is platonic from my side (not sure that I could long-term as its already getting harder to pretend that everything is okay), I can't do that to him. He deserves so much more. He must already know that something is not right.

Is there no way back? Has anyone ever been able to get those feelings back or I am just flogging a dead horse here? If I do call it a day, how do I break it to him? Do I try to hurt him as much as possible so he gets over me quicker? God, I feel physically ill just thinking about breaking his heart.

Sarz91

torn&confused wrote: »

We've no children yet. I don't see a future with him as it is now even though I wish I could. Even if I could accept a marriage that is platonic from my side (not sure that I could long-term as its already getting harder to pretend that everything is okay), I can't do that to him. He deserves so much more. He must already know that something is not right.

Is there no way back? Has anyone ever been able to get those feelings back or I am just flogging a dead horse here? If I do call it a day, how do I break it to him? Do I try to hurt him as much as possible so he gets over me quicker? God, I feel physically ill just thinking about breaking his heart.

There's no easy way of breaking it off. Whatever way you decide to break it off is going to hurt him. There is no need to be as mean as possible. Be honest with him but not brutally honest. He doesn't need to hear that intimacy between you two makes you feel ill. At the end of the day you still love this guy, just not in a romantic way, don't dismiss the possibility of a future friendship by being unnecessarily mean to him.

Three Seasons

OP if you were attracted to him to begin with I think there might be a chance to bring back the attraction. I've read about a phenomenon which can take place between husband and wife whereby, lsleeoing together in the same room and being too familiar domestically can mimic that of siblings and cause you to feel like siblings, hence no sexual feelings.

What I'd suggest is is trying to sleep in separate rooms for a few months and don't spend as much time together in the house. It's a long shot but it might work.

daisybelle2008

torn&confused wrote: »

Is there no way back? Has anyone ever been able to get those feelings back or I am just flogging a dead horse here? .

OP, in my personal experience there is no way back. But I do remember a poster in PI/RI did share an experience once where it did come back, I can't remember the details, but it stood out to me and I believe it was genuine. Three Seasons idea might be worth a shot. Too be honest over familiarity can kill attraction.

Be prepared that when you suggest separation, your OH may want to go down the counselling route, which is fair enough and worth doing. I have been there and it didn't change my mind. I wish you the best but at the end of the day you have to be true to yourself and you can't while you are feeling like you do.

MeadowLane

Hi OP
I really feel for you, I have been there and to be honest it didn't get any better for me. I wasn't married but I did have a child. Your husband could be feeling the same way as you. I know mine did. It was still hard when it ended but mostly because it was the end of a very close friendship etc and of course having a child didn't help.

I know this might not be seen as constructive by some people, but have you tried maybe having sex with someone else, just to see how you feel about it. It might help make a final decision.

ShaShaBear

I would agree with Three Seasons. Myself and OH have been living together for 6 months now and even now when he's gone for the day, I always find feelings that I thought were for the honemoon period stirring up. Could it be that you both are literally around each other all the time? Have you thought about finding someone professional to talk to? It might help you decide if its something you can work through or not, and if it is, you could suggest councelling with your hubbie.

I think it would be a bit drastic to just up and leave him without at least talking to him about it first, and trying to get some help

ShowMeTheCash

Wow... Firstly I would like to say, this sounds like an absolute horrible situation to be in!
Do you think you husband has any idea? I would like to think he probably does, I think people are usually pretty intuitive, I usually know just by the manner in which my girlfriend walks or talk if there is something up with her and her me!!! Not to say he knows exactly whats up but do you think he has any idea???

I guess you need to talk to him about this, horrible I know, but as a man I would hate to think my wife looked at me as you describe!

The suggestions above may help, perhaps you are simply jaded with the whole thing, sometimes Romance is all about the mystery and intrigue... If too familiar maybe it explains how your relationship has changed.

Hope it all works out!