Do I act or do nothing?

lostinhell

im desperate......I no longer trust my own judgement cause of all the lies I’ve been told and I dont know what to do.

I have been married for 20 years (no kids). Last year (May) my husband had an affair, I found out and I asked him to leave our home. He moved in with his parents. We didnt speak or see each other for three weeks. Then we slowly started contact again, he said he was sorry, a moment of weakness, he was confused about life and was drinking heavy but that he wanted to move home. We started to rebuild our relationship slowly and in aug the woman he had the affair with declared she was pregnant.......it shattered my world and threw us into a spin. It was the most painful thing I ever had to deal with. The woman he had an affair with is foreign and lives in another country but works for a company that has a office here, on one of her visits here I meet up with her, she said she didnt know he was married at first, but then when I kicked him out she didnt think she was doing anything wrong. In november my husband said that he wanted to move home again, that he had explained to the woman that it was me he wanted to be with but that he would support the child. He was going to counselling and was getting help. I agreed to him moving home. It was tough, the first few weeks were hard but we had a good christmas and new years and things were looking up. The baby was born in Feb and my husband was there for the birth, it was hard for me staying at home. He had a son and he fell in love with him, which is what is to be expected.

When he was in the other country when the baby was born, he was in constant contact and kept saying it was home with me he wants to be. He came home and after the first couple of days of being awkward about the subject we were good again, we agreed together this baby would be part of his life (our life). This has been one of the toughest parts of my life but we were working through it (or so I thought) and our relationship was getting better, we laughed, we were close, we were happy again.

He went to visit the baby again last weekend.......and my world was smashed into pieces once more.

He rang me the day before he was due to come home to say that the woman and baby was travelling back with him.....I was obviously confused? He said she has some business affairs to deal with. He said she has no where to stay and that she would stay at his parents. I said ok, still unsure, then he said.....which broke my heart again....that he too would be staying in his parents house!!! When I asked why he said that the woman doesnt know that he was back home with me!!! He had lied to me when he said he had told her. I said he better tell her before she comes he said he would but that it would be when she leaves and goes back to her country as he wanted this precious time with child and that she had given him an ultimatium that if he wanted to be in the childs life he couldnt be with me.

Its been two weeks, he has been 'pretending' that I dont exist now for two weeks......I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should believe him (he has told so many lies) and let him have these couple of weeks with his child before the mother takes him back to her own country or whether its me who is the biggest fool.

Whats hurting is that his parents have agreed to this. When he first cheated and I kicked him out in May, his mother would contact me every other day trying to get us back together. She contacted me when the child was born and we would speak/text regularly. She has not contacted once in the two weeks......



Im heart broken. What do I do. He still rings me and text me that home with me is where he wants to be but bear with him while he spends these precious days with his child cause as soon as he tells the mother she will never let him she the baby again. He talks about plans for our future together and says things like he loves me and is only ever happy with me. Do I believe him and just do nothing?

Or do I turn up at his parents house and tell the other woman everything?? I tried talking to her before and her atitude then was 'well im not married, im not cheating....' which is true, i guess.

What do I do......im lost.

strandroad

She can't block access, there are legal ways to enforce it if she even tries. Your husband is pandering to her and mistreating you. I would show up there and make him choose there and then. You are a saint for taking it so long.

Oryx

If you stay with this man, you will always be split down the middle by him. I cant help but think that he would only lie to this woman about you if they still have some kind of relationship going on, and frankly, if he does, that's warped, to pretend he doesnt to you, to say god knows what to his parents.... He cannot have two women in a crazy scenario where he runs from one to another. It sounds like he is lying to everyone here, in some way.

Either he is with you openly, with access to his son, or he leaves you, and does whatever he likes with regard to her. You cannot and should not put up with this charade where he installs her in his parents house and you are written out of the story. He needs to decide where he really wants to be, and it cant be with a foot in both camps.

ABajaninCork

What a dreadful situation to be in. I can't imagine just how painful it is...

Your husband is treating you appallingly, as are his parents. In a way, I can understand the parent's stance (unpleasant as it may be) because this is their grandchild, who they seem to want a relationship with.

Let's take the child out of the equation for a moment. Concentrate on you. What do you want?

FWIW I think your husband's behaved like a coward. A childish coward. Is the child even his for certain?? I would tell him he needs to make up his mind what he wants. He's being cruel and manipulative to you both, and deeply unfair to his parents and the baby. Neither of whom asked for this sorry mess.

I would go round to his parents and tell him that. Whether the mother and child are there or not. Stop dancing to his tune. You need to take control of the situation, as tough as it is.

I would also seek some counselling. For yourself, in order to sort out your feelings, and decide on what you want.

lostinhell

Thanks for you replies.

Yes, the mother cant legally long term block access. But (am I am NOT defending him here believe me!) he doesnt want to have to go down the legal route and fight for access. This brings me onto the very true comment made by ABajaninCork, Yes, he is a coward. Always has been, he runs away (physically & mentally) when faced with any conflict.

I agree with Oryx, my sentiment has been if we are repairing our relationship then the mother must be aware and accept that I will be in the picture....thats the fallout of sleeping with a married man.

My concerns/fears are:
1) I have approached the woman before, explained the situation to her. Offered her my number so that he couldnt play each other off each other or lie to both and she declined. She was not interested. She walked away and said not my problem. So if I approach her (& him in his parents house) is it really go to make much difference....I have already told her the truth, but she has chosen to ignore it.

2) I do (well as least did until this bombshell now im not sure) want to repair my relationship and have a life with him. We were working so hard before this and I thought things were good again. If I 'rock' the boat and cause pain and damage to his relationship with his child will he forgive me?....I know madness that I think that I may need his forgiveness!! But this leads me to point three....

3) Am I so damaged by this that I cant see the forest through the trees. Have I lost my judgement. Have I taken him back because I love him and believe in our relationship? Was I willing to forgive him because Im a forgiving person who believes and loves this man....or....is my self esteem so low, my confidence so knocked, my ability to see the truth so warped by what I have been through this past year dictating my actions.

im so confused...so sad and so confused.

strandroad

lostinhell wrote: »

My concerns/fears are:
1) I have approached the woman before, explained the situation to her. Offered her my number so that he couldnt play each other off each other or lie to both and she declined. She was not interested. She walked away and said not my problem. So if I approach her (& him in his parents house) is it really go to make much difference....I have already told her the truth, but she has chosen to ignore it.

It's not about you swaying her in any way, it's about him having to acknowledge you and your marriage. If he doesn't, walk away.

You have agreed to so much, it can only continue with clarity on all sides. He will lie and dodge forever if you all let him.

lostinhell wrote: »

2) I do (well as least did until this bombshell now im not sure) want to repair my relationship and have a life with him. We were working so hard before this and I thought things were good again. If I 'rock' the boat and cause pain and damage to his relationship with his child will he forgive me?....I know madness that I think that I may need his forgiveness!! But this leads me to point three....

See point three...

lostinhell wrote: »

3) Am I so damaged by this that I cant see the forest through the trees. Have I lost my judgement. Have I taken him back because I love him and believe in our relationship? Was I willing to forgive him because Im a forgiving person who believes and loves this man....or....is my self esteem so low, my confidence so knocked, my ability to see the truth so warped by what I have been through this past year dictating my actions.

Yes, you are damaged and your perspective is way off. He betrayed you once by cheating, another time by fathering a baby and now a third time by disowning you as his wife. He is manipulating you all. He is not the one to forgive anything, you are.

This man is seriously damaged goods, to even give him a chance of coming clean - again - is generous.

lostinhell

Thanks MHGE.

I know that you are right.

ABajaninCork

lostinhell wrote: »

My concerns/fears are:
1) I have approached the woman before, explained the situation to her. Offered her my number so that he couldnt play each other off each other or lie to both and she declined. She was not interested. She walked away and said not my problem. So if I approach her (& him in his parents house) is it really go to make much difference....I have already told her the truth, but she has chosen to ignore it.

Well, if you've told her the truth and she's ignored you, then I'm sorry. It's painfully obvious the affair is still going on, and either your husband's not told her the full strength (likely) OR: She knows and doesn't give a **** (unlikely)

lostinhell wrote: »

2) I do (well as least did until this bombshell now im not sure) want to repair my relationship and have a life with him. We were working so hard before this and I thought things were good again. If I 'rock' the boat and cause pain and damage to his relationship with his child will he forgive me?....I know madness that I think that I may need his forgiveness!! But this leads me to point three....

How on earth are you 'rocking the boat'??? The damage's already been done. Your husband is having his cake, eating it and making trifle from it too! So - things are NOT good. Otherwise, why has he got his bit on the side ensconced at his parents'? Things cannot get any worse, believe me.

lostinhell wrote: »

3) Am I so damaged by this that I cant see the forest through the trees. Have I lost my judgement. Have I taken him back because I love him and believe in our relationship? Was I willing to forgive him because Im a forgiving person who believes and loves this man....or....is my self esteem so low, my confidence so knocked, my ability to see the truth so warped by what I have been through this past year dictating my actions.

im so confused...so sad and so confused.

I think you've answered your own question here. Of course, what's happened is a dreadful shock and enough to knock ANYONE for six.

In view of what you've just said above. If it were me, all bets are off now. Tell him he's not welcome back in your house, until you've sorted yourself out. He's not short of a place to stay as he's at his parents. Neither, by the sounds of it is he short of female company. So - bring the rest of his gear round, and tell him to sling his hook. Not easy, I know, but you need a clear head now. And while he's playing two fiddles, you're not getting that.

You need to get selfish now, OP. Look after YOU.

strandroad

lostinhell wrote: »

Thanks MHGE.

I know that you are right.

I wish you all the best. I think he is treating you horribly, and I'm amazed that you even want to work at this. You need to take control and make sure that the situation is clear for all involved. If you want to avoid confrontation ring him at their house and tell him that he is to explain the situation to her and come home to you for the night, or not to come back at all. Phone his parents separately and repeat it to them, they need to know that you have been wronged again (he probably lied to them also and said you suggested it or something like this so that they don't contact you) and that he's lying to all of you.

lostinhell

ABajaninCork wrote: »

So - bring the rest of his gear round, and tell him to sling his hook. Not easy, I know, but you need a clear head now. And while he's playing two fiddles, you're not getting that.

You need to get selfish now, OP. Look after YOU.

Thank you ABajaninCork.....I might just pack up the car tonight and go with his stuff first thing in morn.

Thank you.

ABajaninCork

Good girl, OP!! DO IT. Look after yourself, and good luck!!

Tasden

OP I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling, or how you've gotten through what you have. I haven't been through what you have but I have had my heart broken and my world turned upside down so while I can't offer any advice I do just want to tell you to look after yourself and do what is best for you.

daisybelle2008

lostinhell wrote: »

Thank you ABajaninCork.....I might just pack up the car tonight and go with his stuff first thing in morn.

Thank you.

OP, f*ck him and this tangled mess he has imposed on you. Kick him to the kerb, him, his lily-livered behaviour, his manipulative mistress. Why on earth should you have to listen to lies and be hidden away like some dirty secret??.
Jesus OP don't entertain him for a second. I'd be pushing him out the door, the best revenge on both of them is let them have each other. That will be some mess, because when you finally have the nerve to ignore him his house of cards will fall quickly, guaranteed. Right now he is feathering two nests.
God OP you are far too good to be a bit player in this dysfunctional mess. Hold your head high, shut the door and thank your lucky stars you are well rid. What the hell kind of nonsense will those two idiots keep imposing on you as they wrangle and emotionally blackmail each other over this baby pawn in the middle.
Empower yourself, you will be walked all over by these two and they are not worth it!!! He is not worth fighting over. Screw him, he is a living fool.
OP, I am usually fairly liberal and fairly objective about cheating. But this is a step too far. Don't give him your dignity on a plate.

And neither of these idiots bothered with contraception, couldn't have given a s*it about STD's never mind what happened.

OP get checked for stds and book counselling and never speak to these two morons again if you want a happy life.

kraggy

Your dignity is on the way out the door unless you kick him out and close it after him. Then you will have regained it.

Get rid. Now. I know that that's very easy to say and hard for you to do given that you have been married for so long. But please believe me and others when we say that it WILL be worth it. You WILL regain confidence. You WILL be happy again. And eventually, if it's what you want, you WILL find someone who respects you and loves you.

I'm shocked at what you've had to put up with so far. Don't let it continue. Get rid. And whatever else, don't let him talk you out of your decision.

Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

If he is pretending to her that he is not with you... Is he pretending that he IS with her?

Meaning... Are they sharing a bed in his parents house?

Either way, you are worth much more than that, OP. Your marriage should be worth more to him than being a 'dirty little secret'. The situation is crazy. You are married to him. You are the one he is making all these promises to.. and YOU are the one being treated like a mistress. Asked to stay out of the way and keep quiet while he plays happy families?

He has to make huge amends. If he is serious about saving your marriage then he needs to do what it takes. If that means having to go the legal route to see his child, then so be it. I don't even believe that the woman has given him that ultimatum..

I'd say at this stage he doesn't even know what's truth or what's not.

He has lied to you so many times. My gut instinct is that this whole trip isn't what he says it is either. What are 'business affairs'? If she is here for work purposes, how come she has nowhere to stay? She would not be sent for work purposes without a hotel being organised.

He's a coward. You know that. She probably knows that. He will never change... Will you?

ABajaninCork

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He has lied to you so many times. My gut instinct is that this whole trip isn't what he says it is either. What are 'business affairs'? If she is here for work purposes, how come she has nowhere to stay? She would not be sent for work purposes without a hotel being organised.

He's a coward. You know that. She probably knows that. He will never change... Will you?

BBOC makes an excellent point. That thought occurred to me too after I posted.

OP - your DH is lying like a rug! He's shacking up with her with the blessing of his parents.

The point I made stood. Get rid.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems obvious to me. He travelled over there to spend time with her and the baby, with the intention of bringing her & the baby back to meet his parents.

I'd bet it was planned that way even before he went over there. Very convenient that her trip back to sort out whatever business she has coincided with him coming back too.

To be honest OP, he is spineless. He has gotten himself into a God awful mess and is just hoping someone else will sort it out (as in he is hoping you or she will be the one to dump him first, and then he can carry on as normal with whoever is left)

I don't envy your position OP. But whatever you decide there is no rush. If he genuinely wants your marriage to work he will wait, and give you time to sort yourself out first. You need time away to think, and to figure out what you really want. Being close to him is too confusing at the moment. A break away from him would do you good. And not just a few weeks... As I said, there's no rush. If you rush into ANY decision, it has less chance of working out.

Give yourself time, and give yourself a time frame. A month, 3 months, year whatever.

If you are afraid in that time he will end up back with her and their child, well then... Are you wasting your time even trying in that case?

daisybelle2008

lostinhell wrote: »

Thank you ABajaninCork.....I might just pack up the car tonight and go with his stuff first thing in morn.

Thank you.

I would leave the stuff at the front door and wouldn't bother talking to him, or her or his family.
You have been too kind for your own good.

lostinhell

I think I need to qualify the 'business affairs' statement. She is on mat leave, it's not work related but personal business affairs if that makes sense. I don't want to go into more details on a public forum, I know I have just spilled my Heart and entire messed up relationship but if I explain what type of personal business she may be recognisable to someone and I'm here for me not to damage someone else, even if that someone has been instrumental or at least a party to the problems in my life.

I too thought that it's a bit of a coincidence that the trips coincided.....but he was so stressed and panicked when he told me she was coming back too i don't believe that he was 'in' on any plan. I may just be gullible but he was too calm before he went away and when he contacted me during the first days of his trip he was acting normal on the phone etc.

It's been mentioned by a few posters that he is a coward and yes he is. I don't think he could even say no to her even if he wanted to.....she seems to have quite a dominant personality and he is can't or wont say no to her.

Thanks to all who have responded, ur words have given me some comfort and strength. I think u are all right. I need to put myself first, get myself sorted and take some time out of this situation. It will be hard, I've known this man since I was 16, he was not only my partner but my best friend and this has made the betrayal even more hard, even more painful. You see normally he is who I would turn to in life to discuss worries or problems and we have or I should i say had a good friendship and could talk for hours and hours.

I will need to be strong.

Taltos

Can I remind posters of our charter.

We have zero tolerance for all such posts, no matter the perceived excuse. If posters cannot post in a constructive manner or in a way that does not suggest violence as a solution then we ask them not to post.

Thanks
Taltos

Mr Bump

OP, Your trust was broken a number of times, you are now number 2 in his life, the child comes first, its that simple, his family is supporting that, I dont mean to be harse here, but move on, keep it simple, you have to look after yourself and put yourself as number one, you are one stong woman for trying to keep everything together this long, anyones heart can only be broken so many times, yours just needs to be one more time by moving on with your life, you keep in this relationship for much longer you heart will be broken many times, sorry for your pain,

2rkehij30qtza5

kraggy wrote: »

Your dignity is on the way out the door unless you kick him out and close it after him. Then you will have regained it.

Get rid. Now. I know that that's very easy to say and hard for you to do given that you have been married for so long. But please believe me and others when we say that it WILL be worth it. You WILL regain confidence. You WILL be happy again. And eventually, if it's what you want, you WILL find someone who respects you and loves you.

I'm shocked at what you've had to put up with so far. Don't let it continue. Get rid. And whatever else, don't let him talk you out of your decision.

Good luck.

I agree with this poster.
You need to walk. You HAVE to walk. For good this time. Sorry you are going through such a horrendous time but you must leave him & the situation and no more 2nd or 3rd chances.

homerjay2005

op, do you think there is an element here that he (and his parents) wanted a child/grandchild and this maybe a part of the reason for all this?

CaraMay

Op he has behaved appallingly and sadly your relationship with him (and his parents) has been altered forever. On top of that the child (as you know) will be around forever so there will never be a break or respite from the product of his affair.

I suspect op that he is sleeping with her too. As another poster asked where is he sleeping at his parents? What has he told his parents that made them stop contacting you. It sounds like he has liked to all and sundry..

You have to leave him of this will kill you. I can't imagine the stress and upset this has caused you but no one person is worth your mental health or pride and self respect. You need to value yourself more than him

ABajaninCork

homerjay2005 wrote: »

op, do you think there is an element here that he (and his parents) wanted a child/grandchild and this maybe a part of the reason for all this?

With respect, I think that is irrelevant now. The fact is, the husband LIED. If he wanted children, then fair enough. He should have been adult enough to have a conversation with his wife and discussed the matter in a mature manner.

There is NO excuse for the cowardly, cruel, manipulative way the OP has been treated. How can you justify treating the bit on the side as the wife and the wife as the mistress???

Neyite

You are being left totally out of the loop on this and as his wife, its unacceptable. To not even know which bed(s) they are sleeping in at his parents house shows how little your feelings and your marriage are regarded by your husband, his parents, and his mistress.

I think your marriage is over. It takes two to make a marriage work, and right now, one of them has lied consistently and is currently AWOL. You cant fix this on your own. If I were you, I would gather all the joint finances information, and consult a solicitor, and instigate a legal separation. I know you still love him, but at the moment, he is taking you and your marriage totally for granted. By doing this, you mean business.

Also, you need to consider, this woman is not going anywhere. Why would she? She has the family setup and support there. And if she does go, does he come back to you pretending this never happened?

And the child will be in your lives forever. There will be pictures in the Grandparents house, in your house, there will be birthdays, visits, school events, sporting events, maybe religious occasions such as communions, confirmations etc. How do these work if you have to stay hidden, and there is no legal access agreement in place? Do you hide for the next 18 years?

Either way, that is his problem - and one of his own making. He could have made this all above board but chose to humiliate you instead totally disregarding your feelings for a second time.

Pack up his stuff and drop it at his parents house. Dont get into a scene, keep your dignity and walk away from the lot of them.

homerjay2005

ABajaninCork wrote: »

With respect, I think that is irrelevant now. The fact is, the husband LIED. If he wanted children, then fair enough. He should have been adult enough to have a conversation with his wife and discussed the matter in a mature manner.

There is NO excuse for the cowardly, cruel, manipulative way the OP has been treated. How can you justify treating the bit on the side as the wife and the wife as the mistress???

i never justified anything, i asked a question. what is clear here, is that we have only one side of the story, HOWEVER, i think the man has behaved appalingly to expect the OP to accept this. i wouldnt expect it and i would be gone, the man is making a fool out of the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

I was thinking about you today, OP. It's not often I come across a post that plays on my mind so much.

Anyway, I was thinking of your question... Do you go over there and let her know what's going on?

I don't think I'd bother, honestly.

As someone else mentioned, and I'm sorry to agree, but it seems like your marriage has no future. He does not have the courage to stand up for you. While it is easy to say, and very honourable on your part to say you will make the child part of your life.. you have to realise that that means making his mother part of your life too.

And if he is too cowardly to stand up to her now, what is it going to be like over the coming years. Someone mentioned you are now 2nd in his life. I would even guess you are 3rd. He has proven that he is willing to push you aside for the sake of keeping her happy and on side.

Don't bother going to his parent's house. You are worth more than that. He will lie to you. When you leave he will lie to her about you, and how you can't accept that he's finished with you etc...

When she has left and he comes back to you I wouldn't let him in. You don't have to definitely end your marriage now, but you don't need to let him back, just yet.

Take time to think everything through. Think about what this baby, and his mother mean TO YOU. Think about how your life will be affected. Think about you family and friends. Think if it was your sister/friend in your place what you would want for them. Talk to someone you trust. Don't think you have to carry this yourself. Again, think if your friend was going through this would you want her to feel she couldn't/shouldn't confide in you.

You are entitled to be selfish, and take care of yourself for a while. Don't worry about your husband for the moment.... I'm sure he'll be fine.

ABajaninCork

The only reason why the OP would be going over to the outlaws would be to dump her hubby's gear. Which I sincerely hope she has done.

And whilst she's about it, tell him never to darken her door again.

Big Bag of Chips

I know ABajaninCork, but personally I wouldn't even bother doing that much. Leave him to it.

He will come crawling back once she has gone OP, and that is when you can tell him to go back where he came from.

iPink

Hope you are ok OP??

Taltos

iPink - you have been here long enough to know that our charter expressly asks posters to not seek an update.

Please take some time now to read our charter before you earn either an infraction or a loss of posting rights.

Thanks
Taltos