I think I'm going to be alone forever :(

LegacyUser

Well as the title says, I think I'm going to be alone forever I'm 30 and I'm single. Not just single for a few years, but permanently single. Ive never dated anyone for longer than three months and I've never had a guy call me his girlfriend. I've always been down about it but recently I've been absolutely despairing about it. Like now I have actually no hope for the future and can't imagine ever being in a relationship. Marriage and babies are now a pipe dream along with winning the lotto.. It all seems completely unattainable.

I do all the right things. I take care of my appearance and I've been told I'm good looking. I watch my figure and I'm a size 10. I make friends easily and have lots of very close friends. Most of them are women however and most are settling down with partners. I go out most weekends and have banter with randomers. I'm friendly and like chatting to people and I often get chatted up. But it just never works out. Over the past few weeks I've had four guys chat me up: one left to go to the toilet and never came back, one who was nice but I didn't find him attractive, one was too eager and was trying to find me on Facebook before we had even gone on a date and one walked away from me once he heard I was from Dublin! I tried online dating a few times but found it hard work. I went on quite a few dates and even gave guys a chance even if I didn't feel any chemistry at first. I tried online dating when I lived in another country too and I met a lovely guy but it couldn't work out due to me moving home. That's also another feature of my romantic history (or lack of!), there's always bad timing. I've met a few guys who I have really liked but I was going away or he was going away or we were both travelling and going in different directions. My longest relationship (if you could call it that) was with a guy from abroad who was in Ireland temporarily and he didn't want anything too serious as he was due to go home, which was fair enough.

My friends keep telling me that at least I've never had my heart broken but I've had my heart broken in a very different way - that the life I'd hoped for myself (with marriage, kids etc) may not happen at this stage. It's a horrible realisation that there doesn't seem to be a place for me in the world and I feel like I'm on the outside. I'm tired of feeling this way, I've felt this way ever since I was a teenager and my friends starting getting with boys, I'm sick of feeling like a freak and I'm sick of being embarrassed by my single status. I hate that my extended family ask about it and I'm sick of my friends feeling sorry for me.

I know the problem is me but I don't know how to fix it. How do I change myself so that I can become a 'relationship person'?

Passenger

aloneforever wrote: »

Well as the title says, I think I'm going to be alone forever I'm 30 and I'm single. Not just single for a few years, but permanently single. Ive never dated anyone for longer than three months and I've never had a guy call me his girlfriend. I've always been down about it but recently I've been absolutely despairing about it. Like now I have actually no hope for the future and can't imagine ever being in a relationship. Marriage and babies are now a pipe dream along with winning the lotto.. It all seems completely unattainable.

I do all the right things. I take care of my appearance and I've been told I'm good looking. I watch my figure and I'm a size 10. I make friends easily and have lots of very close friends. Most of them are women however and most are settling down with partners. I go out most weekends and have banter with randomers. I'm friendly and like chatting to people and I often get chatted up. But it just never works out. Over the past few weeks I've had four guys chat me up: one left to go to the toilet and never came back, one who was nice but I didn't find him attractive, one was too eager and was trying to find me on Facebook before we had even gone on a date and one walked away from me once he heard I was from Dublin! I tried online dating a few times but found it hard work. I went on quite a few dates and even gave guys a chance even if I didn't feel any chemistry at first. I tried online dating when I lived in another country too and I met a lovely guy but it couldn't work out due to me moving home. That's also another feature of my romantic history (or lack of!), there's always bad timing. I've met a few guys who I have really liked but I was going away or he was going away or we were both travelling and going in different directions. My longest relationship (if you could call it that) was with a guy from abroad who was in Ireland temporarily and he didn't want anything too serious as he was due to go home, which was fair enough.

My friends keep telling me that at least I've never had my heart broken but I've had my heart broken in a very different way - that the life I'd hoped for myself (with marriage, kids etc) may not happen at this stage. It's a horrible realisation that there doesn't seem to be a place for me in the world and I feel like I'm on the outside. I'm tired of feeling this way, I've felt this way ever since I was a teenager and my friends starting getting with boys, I'm sick of feeling like a freak and I'm sick of being embarrassed by my single status. I hate that my extended family ask about it and I'm sick of my friends feeling sorry for me.

I know the problem is me but I don't know how to fix it. How do I change myself so that I can become a 'relationship person'?

Hi OP, maybe you should be a little more proactive in approaching men and not expect them to do all the approaching if that's what you do. You'd be essentially relying on a very small pool of men to choose from. Waiting around for a knight in shining armour to sweep you off your feet might be a little unrealistic if you're not reciprocating and approaching people you like the look of.

Regards the settling down aspect, if you put a time restraint on when you want to settle down then its inevitable that you'll be disappointed. i.e. if you have told yourself that you'll be married and with children by age 30, of course you're going to be perturbed if all that hasn't been achieved.

I guess the point is being more proactive and getting yourself out there more is a good first step. Most people would recommend clubs, societies, etc. as good places to interact with new people and who knows, you might meet a good bloke that way. All the best anyway.

dd972

Hi, I'm a 40 year old guy in your situation, have had sexual encounters and about three mickey mouse relationships that have lasted weeks rather than months, I've personally given up on meeting 'the one', marriage and kids or finding any sort of long term union, my theory on the situation is as follows

Approx 80% of the human race, all colours, creeds, classes, orientations are able to form relationships at the drop of a hat, it's simply an integral part of their demeanor's and personalities, shyness or introversion is not a factor either, some of the most introverted and downright boring people I've ever met are married or coupled up.

Approx 15% of the human race are knocked out of the dating and mating game due to physical or mental disabilities, depression or serious mental health problems, drug or alcohol issues, personality disorders and so on.

This leaves the remaining 5% or so that people like me fall into, we look, act and present ourselves no differently to the 80% and are assumed to be married or in relationships, however the part of the brain that makes this thing happen so easily for the 80% is missing in us and it simply doesn't happen. A lot of folk out of the 80% wonder what's wrong with us because their situation came about with little or no effort.

Statistically there probably is 'someone or everyone' but that someone might be in Iceland or Slovenia and you're never going to meet them.

Only advice I can proffer is to keep plugging away and try internet dating which is a good method of getting a bit of background info and conversational gambits going, I don't know you so the right person might be three or five years away. If you're still in the same position in your mid 40's you may have to resign yourself to the fact that your in the 5% like I have.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm a 30 year old guy in the same boat - been with a girl or two over the years but never have had a relationship of even a month. It's only really started bothering me in the last year or so as all my other friends settle down in long term relationships and I'm left with almost no one who will even go out at the weekend to try and meet someone new.

I try and take care of myself, go to the gym, have a good job, own my own place etc. Because most of my extended friends are hooked up and also because I work in a mainly male environment I sometimes despair of meeting anyone else. I'm also worried it will put off any prospective partner when they hear of my zero relationship history, like there is something wrong with me.

So as you can see I can't offer any solutions - but take comfort in that your not alone in your situation, there has to be hope for us all.

EdenHazard

Very good post dd972. We are that 5 per cent, its mad that it happens. I don't care tbh, I post my pic on here and you'll have people bring you down but tbh, I posted pictures on Instagram and other places and I get told 'your so hot' 'you look just like zac efron' by girls I would be attracted to.
In real life though its a different story. I've never got with a girl I actually know. The only girls I've got with are when I'm so drunk that I've no inhibitions and just go up to them. I can't engage tho beyond the pulling of them so numbers and stuff is just not gonna happen. Its crazy that at 40 your in that position dd972, it makes me scared because I lazily assume my looks will mean I'll eventually just get a girlfriend that I want. Your proof that its not bound to happen.

It sucks for us and the op that we were born the way we were. Its just not easy like it is for others out there. My suggestion is a move abroad, people in Ireland have a strange mentality(I suppose when you think about it it could be that there are many people like us in the population compared to in other countries)

but dd972 like the op you just gotta stay optimistic and maybe try somehow to push yourself beyond your natural boundaries and just do what you gotta do. Its a lot easier if you got the looks. Its in our hands that's all I'll say.

dd972

Moving abroad doesn't seem to make a jot of difference, lived in other countries to no avail, there's the adage of 'wherever you go you bring yourself with you' which goes with this particular problem despite all the other developmental benefits of living overseas.

It's always important to keep a sense of perspective as well, there's loads of people living in Syria or struck down by disease or injury who'd swap places with a healthy, relatively well off person whose biggest gripe is being single.

Having said that, I hope it works out for the OP as this sort of 'half-life' the perennially single and childless live does suck!

dixiefly

aloneforever wrote: »

Well as the title says, I think I'm going to be alone forever I'm 30 and I'm single. Not just single for a few years, but permanently single. Ive never dated anyone for longer than three months and I've never had a guy call me his girlfriend. I've always been down about it but recently I've been absolutely despairing about it. Like now I have actually no hope for the future and can't imagine ever being in a relationship. Marriage and babies are now a pipe dream along with winning the lotto.. It all seems completely unattainable.

I do all the right things. I take care of my appearance and I've been told I'm good looking. I watch my figure and I'm a size 10. I make friends easily and have lots of very close friends. Most of them are women however and most are settling down with partners. I go out most weekends and have banter with randomers. I'm friendly and like chatting to people and I often get chatted up. But it just never works out. Over the past few weeks I've had four guys chat me up: one left to go to the toilet and never came back, one who was nice but I didn't find him attractive, one was too eager and was trying to find me on Facebook before we had even gone on a date and one walked away from me once he heard I was from Dublin! I tried online dating a few times but found it hard work. I went on quite a few dates and even gave guys a chance even if I didn't feel any chemistry at first. I tried online dating when I lived in another country too and I met a lovely guy but it couldn't work out due to me moving home. That's also another feature of my romantic history (or lack of!), there's always bad timing. I've met a few guys who I have really liked but I was going away or he was going away or we were both travelling and going in different directions. My longest relationship (if you could call it that) was with a guy from abroad who was in Ireland temporarily and he didn't want anything too serious as he was due to go home, which was fair enough.

My friends keep telling me that at least I've never had my heart broken but I've had my heart broken in a very different way - that the life I'd hoped for myself (with marriage, kids etc) may not happen at this stage. It's a horrible realisation that there doesn't seem to be a place for me in the world and I feel like I'm on the outside. I'm tired of feeling this way, I've felt this way ever since I was a teenager and my friends starting getting with boys, I'm sick of feeling like a freak and I'm sick of being embarrassed by my single status. I hate that my extended family ask about it and I'm sick of my friends feeling sorry for me.

I know the problem is me but I don't know how to fix it. How do I change myself so that I can become a 'relationship person'?

Personally I think that you are being a bit picky. The guy that you said was nice might have been worth meeting outside the confines of the pub and was there really that much wrong with the other guy looking you up on FB that it ruled him out? I thought that many people do that nowadays.

Also, going away for a fixed time is always going to have repercussions for long term relationships. It just goes with the territory. To me that is not something that you can complain about - you made your choice to go away and I am sure that the pluses outweigh the negatives.

If you are serious about meeting someone you should try and get involved in one or two organisations or sports you are interested in. Be friendly and open to getting to know guys not just the ones you find attractive up front. As you get older it doesn't get easier but increasing your general circle of friends or acquaintances should help you. Probably try a different online site and don't be afraid to ask someone out yourself.

2rkehij30qtza5

Few things really stand out to me from your post.
1. Every encounter/chat-up with a guy (the 4 you have had in the last few weeks) are viewed with expectation on your part. So what if one went off to the toilet and didn't come back. So what if one of them tried to find you on FB. You are not taking things in your stride. These things shouldn't even bother you/you shouldn't even have them in your brain long enought to write a post on boards.ie about these things! You are over thinking them bigtime. Once the first guy went to the toilet and didn't come back you shouldn't have even thought about him ever again.
2. You sound picky. Sorry, but you do. You need to give people chances. My best friend has just hit the 6-month mark on her first proper relationship in ten years with a guy I had to practically force her to keep seeing. She is now in love with him despite thinking he was 'not goodlooking' plus a host of other negative qualities about him at the start!!!!!!
3. You will never meet someone until you are properly relaxed about it and open to meeting someone. You appear to me to be someone who goes out with a focus of meeting someone on a night out. You need to not do this. Maybe you are coming across like this. Are you dressing to the nines on nights out???...if yes, tone it down. Come across as more approachable.
4. I don't believe someone would walk away from you because you are from Dublin. I think you need to revisit your attitude to the whole scene. Chill out about it. Go out with the intention of having a laugh with your many friends and don't bother with the opposite sex for a few nights out and just see what comes your way.

I don't mean to be harsh but you seem like an exact replica of my best friend. I gave her all of the above advice and it's only now that she will say that she knows I was right! Good luck!

dixiefly

One other point. Boards.ie is a community in itself and there is also a possibility that some posters here are compatible. However we will never know this if people post on threads like this anonymously.

I know that it is a sensitive area but, in theory, if a person posted that they were struggling to meet a long term partner. Another poster could check previous posts and get an idea of a persons character etc without seeing them. That cannot be any worse than querying "what is he or she like" that people ask about potential partners. We are in an age of technology, use it where possible.

Maybe an arrangement for beers within this forum would be another way for people o meet.

Daveysil15

aloneforever wrote: »

I know the problem is me but I don't know how to fix it. How do I change myself so that I can become a 'relationship person'?

Don’t assume there’s something wrong with you. That can lead into a downward spiral. I hate the way there’s such an onus on people to fundamentally change themselves if they’ve been single for a long time.

I’ve seen this with guys in particular, where they start going to all sorts of extremes and trying things like PUA techniques and other such rubbish to improve their chances. You could be doing everything right but just aren’t having any luck. That’s just the way it goes sometimes. Try and be happy with yourself and do your own thing.

dd972 wrote: »

Moving abroad doesn't seem to make a jot of difference.

I disagree to an extent. I think location does play a part. I lived in Toronto for a while and I found it a lot easier to meet people there and go on dates. Mainly because I was living in a big city where there was a lot more people, but also because the dating scene is completely different in Canada, and they don’t rely so much on alcohol as a social lubricant. Not that any of that is helpful to the OP, just thought I’d point that out.

blacklilly

Hi OP,

I'm a few years younger than you but also fear that I'm going to be alone forever. I'm single 2 years and in that time I've been on one date, I've been messed around by time wasters and game players.
Also I was happy being single for some time as I don't think its a good idea to jump from one relationship into another but I feel like I'm really ready to meet someone now.
I've posted here before about being a bit reserved to an extent, it takes a while to get to know me and I'm never overly familiar with people I don't know. This is my problem and it has been commented upon before. I feel really lonely about it sometimes.
It's impossible to force love or to force a relationship, in other words it'll happen when it happens. The wait is just frustrating especially when your friends are all settled and getting married.

ennis81

Hey there
I understand how you must be feeling but I do agree that you might be being a bit too picky, my lovely sister was single for years, she had given up hope of meeting the "one" anyhoo after her 30th she starting talking to her friends boyfriends friend on the phone, they chatted for about 10 weeks before they swapped pics and met up, now my sister said that on his appearance alone she never would have thought he was the one, but because they had gotten to know each other over those long phonecalls, he made her laugh, they had alot in common and they are now together 4 years and are planning kid's, my point is don't judge a book by its cover, give people a chance, stop looking for a relationship everywhere, you need to relax and try to enjoy your nights out without working yourself up so much.
I was single for nearly two years and got flip all attention, as soon as I was in a relationship again, people were asking me out left, right and centre. It's strange but it's like people can sense you are happy and content and are more attracted to you, hope this helps a bit, stop being so hard on yourself.
Oh and by the way just because all of your friends are settling down now doesn't necessarily mean they will all live happily ever after, out of my group of friends I've been to the weddings, the christenings and now 2 of them are separated and wanting divorces. Few people get to lead a charmed life, even if they are with the love of their lives, EVERY ONE has their own problems and worries believe me

Merkin

Lacey Sweet Soul wrote: »

1. Every encounter/chat-up with a guy (the 4 you have had in the last few weeks) are viewed with expectation on your part. So what if one went off to the toilet and didn't come back. So what if one of them tried to find you on FB. You are not taking things in your stride. These things shouldn't even bother you/you shouldn't even have them in your brain long enought to write a post on boards.ie about these things! You are over thinking them bigtime. Once the first guy went to the toilet and didn't come back you shouldn't have even thought about him ever again.

This really stood out for me as well. You seem to set a lot of store to each of these men you encounter OP when oftentimes they are just chance encounters which mean nothing more and aren't worthy of a second thought.

araic88

dd972 wrote: »

Hi, I'm a 40 year old guy in your situation, have had sexual encounters and about three mickey mouse relationships that have lasted weeks rather than months, I've personally given up on meeting 'the one', marriage and kids or finding any sort of long term union, my theory on the situation is as follows

Approx 80% of the human race, all colours, creeds, classes, orientations are able to form relationships at the drop of a hat, it's simply an integral part of their demeanor's and personalities, shyness or introversion is not a factor either, some of the most introverted and downright boring people I've ever met are married or coupled up.

Approx 15% of the human race are knocked out of the dating and mating game due to physical or mental disabilities, depression or serious mental health problems, drug or alcohol issues, personality disorders and so on.

This leaves the remaining 5% or so that people like me fall into, we look, act and present ourselves no differently to the 80% and are assumed to be married or in relationships, however the part of the brain that makes this thing happen so easily for the 80% is missing in us and it simply doesn't happen. A lot of folk out of the 80% wonder what's wrong with us because their situation came about with little or no effort.

Statistically there probably is 'someone or everyone' but that someone might be in Iceland or Slovenia and you're never going to meet them.

Only advice I can proffer is to keep plugging away and try internet dating which is a good method of getting a bit of background info and conversational gambits going, I don't know you so the right person might be three or five years away. If you're still in the same position in your mid 40's you may have to resign yourself to the fact that your in the 5% like I have.

I completely disagree with your 'theory' and would argue that many of your so called '80%' would too, that they weren't necessarily "able to form relationships at the drop of a hat' as you say. Perhaps they were just a bit more proactive/postive/optimistic, a little luckier and less clinical than you.
And I happen to know quite a few people who by your theory should have been "knocked out of the dating and mating game" :rolleyes: but haven't been...

LegacyUser

OP here again thanks for the advice. Sorry for the delay posting back, I was away!

dd972, I do think you have a point. Ive always felt like I'm different in this regards, even from when I was in 6th class and becoming interested in boys. It's like some people are just born this way.

Honestly I do go out to have a laugh with my friends. One of my friends will often forcibly bring me around the pub looking for guys. I'm content to chat with my friends and have fun! I do get guys coming over and chatting me up. The guys that I mentioned were just examples. The guy who went to the toilet had actually been chatting to me for half an hour and introduced me to his friends. That's why I felt a bit hurt that he disappeared, like he just decided I was boring or something.

Totally agree that I'm picky. But I have met a good few guys who I really like, it just never works out with them.

Saying all of that though, after talking to a couple of friends this week, I think the problem is that whenever I meet anyone, once I decide I like them, I get scared that they will decide they don't like me and end it. This causes me to be a bit paralysed and I don't act like myself. My friends think its related to losing a parent at a young age and apparently it's common enough. My friend's friend had the same problem so I'm going to go to counselling about it. I dunno if they can do anything about it at this stage, but sure I can try!