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  • 22-03-2013 1:00pm
    #1
    ruboo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭


    Hi all,

    I know that a lot of you have understandably felt like I was going around in circles with this relationship, and you are right.

    In September, I left. I went to my mothers for 2 weeks. For those two weeks, he hounded me, begged me, pleaded with me to come back. He swore things would change and said he wanted to be a better man for myself and my daughter.

    I wanted to give the chance to him, and I did. I wrote out a list of things I wanted from our relationship and arranged to meet him. When I did I sat and we calmly spoke about how we wanted things to be. Items on my list included one night a month without the kids, no more name calling and I wanted him to see the doctor about his anger.
    I told him that he had an opinion and if he disagreed with anything, that we could talk it out, but at the time he stated that he agreed with everything and things were going to change.

    Needless to say, they didn't. I found out a few weeks later that the day before I arrived home he had cheated on me, and he did it again two weeks AFTER I arrived back.
    He went to the doctor once, got anti-depressants and never went back.
    Within a couple of months, he was back to the usual, and I was ANGRY.

    Right, so... here I am. What to do? I love him, but this has to end. HAS TO. I am so afraid of being alone, but everyone, including my doctor has the opinion that I am slowly going to loose the will to live and I fear they are right.

    I hate myself for loving him. I hate myself for feeling like this is all my fault. I hate myself for caring about him. I hate that I let him speak to me the way he does. I hate that I gave him the chance. I hate that I can't seem to be able to let go or imagine my life without him in it. I HATE IT AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

    So, I went to the council and they said that if I leave the house, without a barring order against him, it is a voluntary hand over of the keys.
    I am not willing to get a barring order for fear of retaliation. It is not an option, at all.
    I went to the homeless aid officer and he said the same thing. They said that if I left, they would look at my case, but without proof I would probably be kicked off the housing list.
    So, I went to my CWO and explained my situation. I told her that my doctor is willing to give any documentation to support the fact that we need to leave the house for health reasons as well as everything else. I asked her if I left, would I be able to get rent allowance.
    She told me no. She said that she had refused someone in my position last week and not to get into any accommodation that I cannot afford. she said that the social are cutting back and there was nothing I could do.

    So... here I am. Has anyone got ANY idea or advice on what I can do here?
    I am on social welfare, and I do actively look for work (even though my doctor is adamant that I cannot work until we 'get back on track').
    I cannot move home to my parents as my father is severely disabled and a has a little bit of brain damage and he cannot be around kids really, and also their house is too small.

    The only option I can come up with at the moment is to start throwing a tenner into the Credit Union until they give me a loan for first months rent and a deposit and then RISK applying for rent supplement.

    I really thought that with the doctor behind me and the reports I have made to the council about him and his behaviour, they would be more helpful, but all I seem to be met with is "Well, get a barring order" or "He is the one that needs to leave, not you"

    While I agree with these arguments, it is not that easy. HE WILL NOT LEAVE and due to threats he has made against me, I am afraid to get a barring order.

    Sorry to go on.... but, any advice?


Comments

  • #2
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    Why are you afraid to get a barring order? I would've thought that would be the first thing you'd do...

    You have kids - right? You can't get RA and the council are saying that if you leave, then it would be seen as a voluntary handover.

    So as I see it, you have Hobson's Choice. Either put up with the abuse and the threats of violence. Or you make moves to kick him out.

    Have you sought advice from the Gards? You might be able to have them stand by whilst he leaves and get the barring order in place. As far as I can see, the only sensible option would be to go back to your mother's while you get the wheels in motion. If he turns up and you don't want to see or speak to him, then call the Gards to have him removed.


  • #3
    P. Breathnach
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    What happens if you don't get a barring order? You are stuck in an intolerable situation.

    What happens if you do get a barring order? Serious question. Please think carefully about it, and try to answer. Threats are unpleasant; following through on them is another matter.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ruboo wrote: »
    HE WILL NOT LEAVE and due to threats he has made against me, I am afraid to get a barring order.
    Get a safety order in place. If he puts you in mental or physical fear he can be arrested on the spot. Without this piece of paper it's just another domestic to the gardai, but you have their full backing with it.

    Request a safety and a barring order at the same time. Your life is not going to get any better with him in it, only you can make these changes.


    Best of luck.


  • #5
    ruboo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭ruboo


    You are correct, saying one thing, and doing it is another... but I honestly believe that he would do something. What that is, I don't know... but I think he would. He has stated from week one that this is HIS house, and he will fight tooth and nail for it, for his kids... hell or high water, NOONE is taking this house away from him. He can have it in my opinion, I just need somewhere to go.
    I can't move to mam's because of dads mental and physical health issues.

    It does seem like a 'take it or leave it' situation, I know.

    Oh well, I just wanted to see if anyone knew of any other options... Thanks a million.


  • #6
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Have you spoken to anyone in Women's Aid?. The phone number is 1800 341 900. They might be able to give you advice seeing as they deal in the area of domestic violence?


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  • #7
    ruboo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭ruboo


    cymbaline wrote: »
    Have you spoken to anyone in Women's Aid?. The phone number is 1800 341 900. They might be able to give you advice seeing as they deal in the area of domestic violence?

    Yes, I have been to the womens aid. They have been so helpful and supportive. Unfortunately, while they are a fantastic emotional support, they cannot do anything about the rules.
    The man with the homeless aid did say that I could make a case for myself once I leave, without the order, but I would be kicked off the housing list for minimum 12 months, unless I can prove why I left the house.
    The womens aid offered to help me to build a case to get back on the list, but cannot do anything about RA or getting kicked off.


  • #8
    maria34
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    if u would get that safety order, would u be able to stay in the council list???


  • #9
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Have you sought legal advice? I'm sure you're not the only person who has found themselves in a scenario like this. Who owns the house, by the way?


  • #10
    ruboo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭ruboo


    cymbaline wrote: »
    Have you sought legal advice? I'm sure you're not the only person who has found themselves in a scenario like this. Who owns the house, by the way?

    This is a council house and the tenancy agreement is in both of our names. I have not sought legal advice, as I assumed that would not be relevant considering it is up to the council what essentially happens to the house and who gets it and whatnot.
    I have been desperately trying to find threads, posts and stories of women in this country who have found themselves in my position. I would love to read them and see what roads they took. If you know of any, please educate me. I'm feeling very 'stuck' at the moment and I feel like a boiling pot... my lid is barely staying on.

    Thanks everyone btw, I appreciate it.


  • #11
    ruboo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭ruboo


    maria34 wrote: »
    if u would get that safety order, would u be able to stay in the council list???

    Yes, but he and I would remain in the home. A safety order basically states that if he threatens, bullies, degrades or hits me I can call the Garda and they will arrest him on the spot. Without it, it would be considered a 'domestic' and they would probably just tell him to leave the house for a few hours.

    In my opinion, a safety order is just going to aggravate my situation. He would hold that over me to an unbearable point. I don't know if I could do that, but like I said, it does not remove him from the home.


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  • #12
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    ruboo wrote: »
    This is a council house and the tenancy agreement is in both of our names. I have not sought legal advice, as I assumed that would not be relevant considering it is up to the council what essentially happens to the house and who gets it and whatnot.
    I have been desperately trying to find threads, posts and stories of women in this country who have found themselves in my position. I would love to read them and see what roads they took. If you know of any, please educate me. I'm feeling very 'stuck' at the moment and I feel like a boiling pot... my lid is barely staying on.

    Thanks everyone btw, I appreciate it.

    A little assumption is a dangerous thing. That is why Cymbaline suggested you get legal advice. I think it is a very good idea, and one you should definitely follow up on. Is there a FLAC or a Citizen's Advice near you?

    It's good to research on the internet, and even to canvass opinions. But they are just that. Opinions. We can only help insofar as we can tell you what we think. But you really need to get legal opinions to see where you stand.

    A word with the Gards to see how you can get your partner out might be a good idea too.

    I am still of the opinion you should kick your partner out. The house is NOT his, any more than it is yours. The situation you describe is not a healthy one for you or your children. You need to think about the effect the atmosphere is having on them.


  • #13
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    You are frightened to death-you poor thing.

    I would be going to barring order route. You are scared of him now without it, and youll be scared of him with it-the only difference is that he wont be in the house.

    You really need to start building up a case for yourself. Like a case file. Dates/times/reports/recordings/barring order/talking to gardai/docs note. And as other posters said, do not assume anything. This situation is too dangerous for that thinking.


  • #14
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I don't want to put the frighteners on you but now that the ball is rolling on this, you could be in just as much danger with him still in the house as with him gone out of it. You definitely need to get concrete advice in the real world too, not on the internet. I'm only surmising here but I'd have thought that the odds are stacked in your favour here. You're the one that has a child with her in the house. You've been threatened and treated very badly. Why should you be the one to leave? You did nothing wrong.


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