Checking Facebook

Mackleton

Resurrecting this one as I have recently had the same problem.

We've been together almost a year and a half and I have recently found out, while innocuously looking for a link in Internet history, that my boyfriend has been looking at his ex's fb page on average once a week. They were together a year and a half and they broke up six months before I met him. With her dumping him in a particularly callous way. ( he flew to Australia to see her and when he arrived she gave him the "listen, we have to talk" spiel.)

long story short I'm pretty sure it hit him hard, and he later found out that she is now gay, which of course was bound to f*ck him up mentally. Initially in our relationship he had a habit of mentioning her quite regularly without realising it, and while I am patient and not the jealous type, I eventually had to ask him nicely to respect the fact that he is with me now and I was uncomfortable with hearing about her so much. To be fair it's not everyday that you learn that your ex has switched sides, and he admitted to feeling particularly used and fooled by her. So I am aware that it was not a normal break up and the psychological ramifications of it are bound to be greater than average.

What I am wondering is, is there a point where the page checking becomes too much. Frankly I am a very zen girlfriend and not at all jealous by nature, and I don't want to be the psycho female that is saying " I saw things in your history, explain yourself now.." But this situation is playing on my mind a lot and I can't decide whether to address it or not.

Is this excessive and should I be worried? Also, is it permissible to bring something up that I saw in his history? I want to respect his privacy, as I would expect him to respect mine, but this is hurtful, and maybe that's small and petty but I can't help asking myself "if he's happy with me then why is he doing this so often?"

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

P. Breathnach

I gather that he is looking at her facebook page rather than interacting with her.

You suggest that he was really thrown by her change of sides, and you tell us that the way in which she managed the termination of the relationship was very hard on him. In those circumstances, I could imagine that he might be experiencing a horrible fascination with her, perhaps even watching to see if fate evens up the balance, and she gets her comeuppance.

I don't think his checking her facebook page now and again is any big deal. Once a week counts as now and again in my book.

LegacyUser

Do ask him what he is at!

He's in need of making choices, either he stays leering at an ex or he moves on, acts mature, and gives his girlfriend proper respect.

Why would you stay with an immature clown like him? Tell him (don't ask him), "man up, or move out!"

Mackleton

P.Breathnach, I think you're probably right, doesn't stop it hurting though. He's perfectly entitled to look at what he wants and as far as I can see there has been no contact between them, on fb or otherwise so it's probably as you say, a kind of morbid fascination. Hard to keep these things in perspective sometimes though when it's someone you love. Thanks for the post

SunnyDub1

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Do ask him what he is at!

He's in need of making choices, either he stays leering at an ex or he moves on, acts mature, and gives his girlfriend proper respect.

Why would you stay with an immature clown like him? Tell him (don't ask him), "man up, or move out!"

The quoted above is way over dramatic Yeah tell him you went through his history and tell him what he can and can't do that will really turn out well :rolleyes:

Most people won't admit it but most people do it (check Ex's FB once in a while) I do and I have freinds that do it too. I don't do it cause I still love him or have feelings for him, I just do it out of pure curiosity, if something comes up on my new feed I'll click in to have a look, just like what I do with any other friends I have on FB - isn't that what fb is for.

I think you are reading to much into and you just need to let it pass, the ex is gay and living half way across the world so I can't see him checking her fb once in a while affecting your relationship with him.

The whole thing with him bringing her up at times, well IMO that's only natural. She obviously hurt him and it's a good thing that he feels comfortable talking to you about it rather then bottling all up.

RossFixxxed

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Do ask him what he is at!

He's in need of making choices, either he stays leering at an ex or he moves on, acts mature, and gives his girlfriend proper respect.

Why would you stay with an immature clown like him? Tell him (don't ask him), "man up, or move out!"

The first line I agree with, have a chat with him. Just say it is weighing on your mind and you're not accusing/blaming him of anything. You seem pretty laid back (zen as you say) so just say it is a small thing that is niggling at you.

The second line is total speculation and really do ignore that.

The third line is just over reactionary and completely ill advised. There's WAY too much projecting in that post and it is NOT a line of thought you want to go down at this stage!

Calm, clear communication is essential in a relationship, so make use of it

sffc

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Do ask him what he is at!

He's in need of making choices, either he stays leering at an ex or he moves on, acts mature, and gives his girlfriend proper respect.

Why would you stay with an immature clown like him? Tell him (don't ask him), "man up, or move out!"

We have no way of knowing whether the OP's boyfriend was "leering" at his ex's FB page or not but it was at her page - NOT HER !
Given the circumstances of the break up where he "hit a wall " ie she told him she was gay with no warning I can fully understand why he looks at her page . He simply want to know is it true or not . Why ? because he probably is doubting that its the real reason for the break up or even feels in some weird way responsible .
All this does NOT mean he wants to get back with her . It's not a bad thing to learn by your mistakes/experience in life and particularly relationships . By doing it you can make a better new relationship with someone else i.e you .
One last reassurance - if he WAS up to something I'm sure he's have wiped the history or covered his tracks some other way .
I can't see any use in confronting him about something I 100% feel is innocent . If you really want this guy you've got to show him you are not her !

fungun

hmm, i think you are approaching it quite maturely, but for me once a week is just a teeny bit too often for me to feel fine about it. Can you look at her facebook and see if it makes sense (i.e. does she weekly upload new pictures of Australia or sth where it might be ok). As said above though, he may be looking for evidence to make things make sense in his head. Given the background, I could understand it - but if he had been looking weekly for 1.5 years then Id be kinda thinking at this stage he would stop.

Also depends on what he is like - is he on fb a lot, does he look at others pages often also, or does he only look at hers?

SunnyDub1

RossFixxxed wrote: »

The first line I agree with, have a chat with him. Just say it is weighing on your mind and you're not accusing/blaming him of anything. You seem pretty laid back (zen as you say) so just say it is a small thing that is niggling at you.

Why bother saying it to him though? IMO it's just starting something out of nothing.
While the op accidentally found out about him checking the ex's fb page, he might not see it like that, especially the fact that she has already talked to him about mentioning the ex all the time.
What will mentioning to him achieve? she knows herself that it's just harmful "noising" he is doing so she should just leave it at that.

Mackleton

Hey all, thanks for the input. Perhaps some more background might be helpful here. The ex is Australian, however she does not live in Australia, she lives here in Paris as well, and not all that far away.

Also, she did not break up with him by being honest and saying she was gay. He found that out a few months later from a mutual friend. She is now living with her French girlfriend afaik.

In terms of his reaction to the whole thing he said that he had had doubts about her sexuality a few times during the relationship but she insisted he was wrong. He said that he couldn't believe that someone could have so completely pulled the wool over his eyes. I believe that this falseness and dishonesty and her not so gracious handling of the breakup (and a number of different issues) are what seem to haunt him about the whole thing. Which I can understand, it was a definitely a destabilising event in his life. Apparently though she was not particularly good for him in general (according to his friends that actually volunteered this info, as numerous people have told me how much happier he seems since meeting me).

Therefore I am fairly sure that it is morbid fascination and a probable lack of closure that is causing the ongoing interest. Initially when all the name dropping happened I jokingly suggested "anyone would think you weren't over her" something he vehemently denied, and I even suggested he speak to her about the whole thing in an effort to gain closure but he refused.

In terms of his fb activity he is very active on fb, posts often, has lots of friends etc. so him being on it is not uncommon, I just don't feel that the level of fascination (sometimes more than once a week) is warranted after so much time, and that sort of makes me feel that this is preventing him and as a result us, from moving on.

I am 1000% sure there is no contact or anything and this is just some sort of masochistic voyeurism but seeing her name pop up in history so often is unsettling.

My real question is, do i let this eat away at me, or speak up (calmly and in a non-accusatory way) and have to admit how I found out. He freely tells me to use his computer whenever I want, so clearly he's not afraid of me seeing it, he doesn't delete history or ban me using his laptop. But I hate the idea of him losing trust in me over something I didn't even go snooping for...it's a bit of a conundrum

CdeC

I think he needs to understand that it wasn't some trickery on his ex girlfriends part.
She probably really cared about him and really wanted to make it work but if she was gay and realised that she wouldn't feel the same way about him then she needed to end it.
It's normal to check up on exes facebook from time to time, maybe its a bit often but it'll probably diminish over time.

I would focus on your own relationship, go out a lot, meet friends and have some good times together, plan a crazy summer trip now. Soon enough he'll be trawling through old photos of nights you had out together rather than checking up on an old girlfriend who has faded into the background.

Kevcol

I think you're probably over reacting to the situation. More than likely it's just a curiosity as to what she's doing in her life now. I can't see anything that would get you worried in the situation. I often have a look at old friends pages on facebook, just to see what they're up to nowdays. It's reasonable to say that he would be even more curious as to what she's up to due to the circumstances of the break up.