Am I being selfish?

Shadylou

Have a bit of an unusual one here
My fiancé is a twin and his brother lives in Australia with his wife and 2 kids. Because of the cost he's never visited Ireland with his austrailian wife and kids but the whole family is coming home for a month in October. My fiancée cousin is getting married on the 4 th October so they'll be able to go to the wedding and it'll be a nice family occasion.
Myself and my fiancé have been engaged for a long 9 years lol and have 2 kids also and have been thinking about getting married for some time, so we decided that while my fiances twin was in Ireland that we'd sort out our wedding because we don't know how long it'll be before he can get back again and obviously my oh wants his twin at his wedding.
So we booked the registry office for the 17 October and we are having a meal afterwards for 30 people followed by a function at our local pub, it'll be very low key as neither of us want a big fuss, having our family around us is the main thing.
The only problem we have is that my fiances aunt ( her daughter is the one getting married on the 4th) is going mental and has accused us of trying to take the limelight away from her daughter!!! She's really overreacting and is putting the family in an awkward position, ringing them to give out about us and her daughter has rung us crying as we'll saying we were ruining her day because everyone will be paying us attention on her big day and that she'll get smaller presents as people can't afford 2 weddings within 2 weeks
Tbh the 2 weddings couldn't be more different, she's having a fancy wedding with all the trimmings and ours is seriously low key, the whole thing is costing us less than €2500 and I don't care about presents.
We can't seem to make them understand that it's only because my fiances twin will be in Ireland at the time that we're having the wedding when we are and that its nothing personal against them at all and that we're not competing for presents and the like. Myself and the fiancé are fighting as well because he's thinking of cancelling the wedding for an easy life which is breaking my heart

flora 86

Omg dont,its about the 2 of you cementing yer relationship,showing yer love and commitment to each other and yer kids,like you said its not about presents,she should be happy marring the man she loves and thats all that matters ,life is 2 short 2 care about those things now take Your man down the Isle .....

Peregrinus

Um.

Has your fella’s twin timed his visit so that he can go to the cousin’s wedding? Is that the catalyst that finally decided him to bring the wife and chizzlers to Ireland, and damn the expense?

If so, I don’t think you should be 100% surprised at what is happening. As far as the cousin is concerned, you and your fella had nine years to get your act together and nothing happened, but now that she has organised her wedding and the twin and his family are on the way, suddenly you find that right then will be the perfect time for you two to get hitched. I know you see your wedding as low-key and relaxed and not at all competing with anyone else’s, but that’s clearly not how she sees her wedding; it’s a big thing and a grand drama and if it’s not centre stage all the times and the constant focus of everyone’s attention then it’s diminished. So your “piggy-backing” on her wedding the way you are diminishes her wedding.

Is she being irrational? Of course she is. So is her mother. But that’s not uncommon when it comes to weddings. Frankly, if you didn’t foresee this, your fella and his family, who presumably know the cousin and her mother, should have foreseen it, and tipped you off.

Noting all this does not solve your problem. I don’t think there is a good solution, since the cousin is presumably committed to viewing her wedding in the light she does (and probably has been committed to that view of weddings since she was about seven years old). If you go ahead, you will Ruin Everything For Ever and her Big Day will be spoiled and you will Never Be Forgiven.

If you can live with the fallout from that for the rest of your married life, go ahead. Otherwise, reschedule your wedding, preferably after talking to your fella’s twin about whether he can see his way to coming over a second time and, if so, when.

pwurple

Oh dear, good intentions, but you went about this with no diplomacy it looks like.

Before booking anything, you should have spoken with the other bride and discussed it, seen her reaction. If you broached in it a soft diplomatic way that was... "Hey, everyone is travelling, we thought it might save everyone a lot of hassle and expense if we got married while people were all here as well, what do you think?" And not.... "BOOM, our wedding is right after yours, like it or lump it." You might have had a better response.

It's a bit late now anyway, damage is done. Reverse out, and rearrange yours for another time, as feelings appear to be hurt all round. If you stick to your guns you might have a family feud on your hands, and as your fiance has been persuaded around, you will be the sole bad guy.

dahamsta

They sound like a pathetic bunch, screw them and screw diplomacy, if you want to get married and you want the brother there, uninvite the rest of them and do the deed, and enjoy yourself! If that part of the family are closed-minded enough to get in a strop about it, you're better off without them. Life's too short to be pandering to the vain and selfish.

niallam

Shadylou wrote: »

She'll get smaller presents as people can't afford 2 weddings within 2 weeks

That's her problem right there, she's only worried about her not getting money from guests, nothing to do with her limelight on the day as she'll receive the same attention on her wedding day whether or not your getting married 2 weeks later.
Damage between you and her is done already, I'd go ahead with your plans and tell her where to go, your not having a big wedding, your having a ceremony and a few drinks and meal in the pub to celebrate it with only immediate family and a few close friends I assume?

ElleEm

You are certainly not being selfish.
You want to get married with your partner's brother there, and you have every right to choose any day of the year you like!

The cousin and her mother sound like spoilt b!tches. If all they are concerned about is attention and presents then they are utterly pathetic.

You could ring the cousin and have a chat with her about why you are getting married at that time, if she doesn't understand, then she is an idiot. You should also remind her of the reasons for a marriage/ wedding. If she hears you talk about your love for your partner and desire to pledge your lives to one another in front of close family, she may reassess her current priorities!

Also, congratulations!!!

DeltaWhite

I don't understand people who make a drama out of everything! God forbid the bride misses out on presents! You did nothing wrong IMO. You were trying to accommodate the fact that the twin is home for that month so I can't see why you are the bad guy!

Go for it and congratulations!

Shadylou

Peregrinus wrote: »

Um.

Has your fella’s twin timed his visit so that he can go to the cousin’s wedding? Is that the catalyst that finally decided him to bring the wife and chizzlers to Ireland, and damn the expense?[./QUOTE]

No, he was just waiting until his youngest was a bit older and it was just the time he picked

We knew what the aunt and cousin were like and actually weren't going to tell anyone til after their wedding cos all we are having is a corner of a pub booked, the same as where we had my sons christening and anyone that could come would be more than welcome. Unfortunately my 7 year old was bragging about her new dress and things just spiralled from there, people wouldn't have even known about the wedding if they didn't make such a big deal out of this.
Out of the 30 people actually invited to the wedding the only people from my fiances side are his parents and his brothers family

eviltwin

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

I think its really decent of you both to work your wedding around your BIL's dates rather than expecting him and his family to make a second trip.

Your cousin and aunt are being totally unreasonable here, do they really expect him to go to the expense of another set of flights home just to suit them? Screw them, have your day and enjoy it and don't let the drama ruin the buildup.

Congratulations!

Matt_Trakker

Tell them you'll cancel it but do it anyway, with such a small wedding they won't find out for a while.

suicide_circus

Bridezilla and her mother sound like awful people. Stealing her thunder? Sounds like she's been watching too many bad American sitcoms and romcoms. Youre all adults, these sound like spoiled brats whose main concern re the wedding seems to be presents.

Joe10000

How many people will be going to both ?

Once your day is after hers I don't see the problem.

Shadylou

suicide_circus wrote: »

Bridezilla and her mother sound like awful people. Stealing her thunder? Sounds like she's been watching too many bad American sitcoms and romcoms. Youre all adults, these sound like spoiled brats whose main concern re the wedding seems to be presents.

That's exactly how I feel, it's getting to the point now where I don't even want to go to the wedding!!! As soon as my oh brother said he was coming home in October there was a comment passed' oh I hope they won't be expecting an invite, that's 4 more people' so no matter what happens they have to complain.
My kids are all excited about the wedding and there's no way my oh twin can afford to Come home within the next 2 years so I really don't want to put it off

Peregrinus

Shadylou wrote: »

. . . Out of the 30 people actually invited to the wedding the only people from my fiances side are his parents and his brothers family

That changes things considerably. If the only overlap in guest lists is your fella's parents and his twin and family, and the cousin didn't particularly want to invite the twin and family to her wedding in the first place, then taking the stance she is now taking is not just irrational; it's insane.

flora 86

Shadylou wrote: »

That's exactly how I feel, it's getting to the point now where I don't even want to go to the wedding!!! As soon as my oh brother said he was coming home in October there was a comment passed' oh I hope they won't be expecting an invite, that's 4 more people' so no matter what happens they have to complain.
My kids are all excited about the wedding and there's no way my oh twin can afford to Come home within the next 2 years so I really don't want to put it off

Get married,there the ones being selfish

D3PO

no way are you being selfish. Id ignore your finaces cousin what a selfish cow.

Actually Id light the fire under her. Id ring and say I dont want to take away from your day so we wont be going to your wedding so as to make sure that doesnt happen

Shes being selfish just worried about her precious presents. Her mothers worse by encouriging her ignorant behaviour.

OP keep going with your plans. Its your day, your OH's brother should be there with his family and if thats an issue for his cousin thats her issue to deal with not yours.

nikkibikki

Ur H2B's cousin is being completely irrational about this, just wondering if his brother would change their travel dates to another month so they miss her wedding but make ye're one? That's if ye change ye're date too. that could b a solution if u wanna go down that road but tbh i wouldn't, she's effectively trying to bully your future in laws so she can have better presents.

Sligo1

I just honestly can't believe this thread at all! I honestly can't believe there are people out there that would be this selfish and spoilt! It's fantastic that ye have decided to take the plunge. And it's just lovely that your fiances twin will be there to celebrate your big day with you! Please do not cancel! Your fiances cousin and her mother seem like horrible people! I'm sorry to say!

I'm getting married in less than two months... If I was the cousin in question I would be so delighted for my family member that they would finally get their big day and get to have their sibling alongside them!

If I'm honest with you... These are not people I would want to be associated with anyway so if they do get the hump and not talk to ye or there is drama.. I would say good luck and be happy that I did not have to deal with them further!

I hope your fiancé doesn't back out. I know it must be very stressful. But please don't let these horrible people ruin something that could make ye so happy... And what about your children!? They are probably so excited! Surely they should be the priority here... Not that silly brat of a cousin!

flora 86

congratulations by the way..and enjoy your day with a big proud smile

TAPA2012

Its mad how some ppl go bridezilla! They forget all reasoning! he he he

Dont let them bully you! explain your reasons if you have to and dont get in an arguement with them! It just makes things worse!

Have a great day and dont let this crazy drama overshadow it!

All the best!

clint_silver

reminds me, I met a couple last year to discuss music for their wedding and I was going over what was possible and budgets. In the middle of the discussion the bride raises something about "well if we go reception music as well that may affect our budget for the sweet cart I wanted", groom says "I thought we said we couldnt afford that", bride literally started screaming at him "I want the sweet cart". Then she burst out crying, he was all apologetic "this is affecting her really badly you see". All calmed down and we got on with it but the moral of the story is weddings really affect some people, really badly. It totally consumes them. Most people are not like that but some people are. Its usually the bride but I have seen the odd groom with it.
This for me here is a sure sign of bridezilla behaviour, they dont see any other side of anything outside of their own event. It would be unusual if in the cold light of a factual explanation they didn't come round to reasonable thinking.

Gatica

Shadylou wrote: »

Myself and my fiancé have been engaged for a long 9 years lol and have 2 kids also and have been thinking about getting married for some time, so we decided that while my fiances twin was in Ireland that we'd sort out our wedding because we don't know how long it'll be before he can get back again and obviously my oh wants his twin at his wedding.

Peregrinus wrote: »

I don’t think you should be 100% surprised at what is happening. As far as the cousin is concerned, you and your fella had nine years to get your act together and nothing happened, but now that she has organised her wedding and the twin and his family are on the way, suddenly you find that right then will be the perfect time for you two to get hitched.

Shadylou wrote: »

We knew what the aunt and cousin were like and actually weren't going to tell anyone til after their wedding cos all we are having is a corner of a pub booked.
Unfortunately my 7 year old was bragging about her new dress and things just spiralled from there

I must admit that the point Peregrinus brought wouldn't have even occurred to me. It's perhaps not the most mature conclusion for an adult (the cousin), but that is something that may look like very sudden to someone who's known that you're engaged for years and all of a sudden you're getting married within 2 weeks of them.
Unfortunately you made the mistake of having a child aware of your wedding plans. They cannot be expected to be able to keep it secret, most adults wouldn't even be able to do that.

Shadylou wrote: »

the whole family is coming home for a month in October. My fiancée cousin is getting married on the 4 th October so they'll be able to go to the wedding and it'll be a nice family occasion.

Shadylou wrote: »

As soon as my oh brother said he was coming home in October there was a comment passed' oh I hope they won't be expecting an invite, that's 4 more people'

It sounds from this that their visit wasn't about the cousin's wedding at all. So I don't think it's entirely unreasonable for someone like your fiance to take advantage of his visit to tie the knot during his visit. Since the cousin wasn't thrilled about extending an invite to the twin, then they shouldn't begrudge "sharing" the presents they'd be getting from them...

Shadylou wrote: »

there's no way my oh twin can afford to Come home within the next 2 years so I really don't want to put it off

This is a reasonable reason for having your wedding now. Don't postpone it, or you may be regretting they weren't here for it.

Shadylou wrote: »

She's really overreacting and is putting the family in an awkward position, ringing them to give out about us and her daughter has rung us crying as we'll saying we were ruining her day because everyone will be paying us attention on her big day and that she'll get smaller presents as people can't afford 2 weddings within 2 weeks

There seems to be little overlap with the wedding guests and the overlap of the twin, well, she didn't even want them there to start with....
Her priorities for the wedding are all wrong. Sure, she may feel a little hurt over having you "sharing the limelight" when you had 9 years to do it. However, having family over and having everyone together for 2 weddings, isn't that the most wonderful thing for the entire family? for your OH's parents, the twin, your fiance... When will they get a chance like this again?
If the cousin will be gone on honeymoon after their wedding they won't even be around for the "festivities" of yours.
Maybe have someone a little less vested in this have a chat with them. Explain that they understand where the hurt is coming from, but that realistically this is the best time for your wedding too.

Buzz84

Can understand both sides of it especially since you are engaged for over 9 years then you decide to get married within 2 weeks of her.

dr ro

Buzz84 wrote: »

Can understand both sides of it especially since you are engaged for over 9 years then you decide to get married within 2 weeks of her.

yes but she did explain why. You should definitely go ahead with your plans. It's a great idea to fit it in when the brother is home. And because it's a small affair it can be organized quickly. You shouldn't really entertain any selfish rubbish arguments from cousins like that. It's more important for your kids sake that their parents are married for security reasons. Sorry to get heavy here but if something happened to you or your partner before you're married, things can get very messy. If this is the excuse you need to finally do it then do it. Otherwise it could drag on indefinitely.

ronjo

Buzz84 wrote: »

Can understand both sides of it especially since you are engaged for over 9 years then you decide to get married within 2 weeks of her.

I am sorry but I cannot see two sides to this. His twin is home for the first time in years. Why on earth does it make any difference if its two weeks of her wedding, especially when almost nobody is going to both?

Roesy

Our wedding was just over a month after my cousins and while most people were fine about it we still had a couple of comments about it afterwards.

annersinoz

Hi, I got married last year 1 week before my uncle. My uncle lives in America and myself and my husband in Australia. We both got engaged within a month of each other and they booked their wedding first. We were planning on going back to Ireland for their wedding and as we are close to then that if we got married around the same time. Op we did contact them and ask them what they thought and were they okay with it and they said they were. In the times we are in the fact that we had so many family travelling from all over it would have been very are for people to travel twice. We took it as an opportunity that have the two weddings as a fantastic time of celebration. I recommended my hairdresser and make up artist to my uncles wife and we both had the opportunity to be excited for each other. They way I saw it was our day was our day, on the day it was about us and their day was there day. We didn't compare weddings we were just happy for each other!

It really stuns me how people can really turn into bridezillas. Honestly I would maybe pick up the phone, explain to them your reasons. Any decent person should understand . Congratulations too x

Boombastic

Cancel your wedding and rebook it for the week before hers :pac:

Seriously though, I wouldn't cancel or rearrange it. She is only worried about the presents and was begrudging about inviting the twin and family. My guess is no matter what time you booked it for this year, she wouldn't have approved. Tell her to feck off and ignore, I wouldn't go pandering to her.

Shadylou

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, I have to say I'm still stunned with all the fuss from my oh family and the bad feeling has started to filter over to my kids so I've decided that the best thing to do is to cancel the wedding, ATM I'm not even sure if I'm still in a relationship but that's a problem for the personal issues forum lol.

Daisy M

Shadylou wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, I have to say I'm still stunned with all the fuss from my oh family and the bad feeling has started to filter over to my kids so I've decided that the best thing to do is to cancel the wedding, ATM I'm not even sure if I'm still in a relationship but that's a problem for the personal issues forum lol.

When you say you are not even sure if you are in a relationship is this due to you cancelling the wedding or for another reason?
I think it would be crazy to allow someone elses tantrum to affect your relationship however if you are having relationship difficulties for an entirely different reason then you are right to cancel.

garhjw

I think you have done the right thing in cancelling the wedding but I hope you work things out. Getting married should be about you and family. Dealing with who is and is not selfish etc is not important and should be the last thing on your mind

LittleBook

garhjw wrote: »

I think you have done the right thing in cancelling the wedding but I hope you work things out. Getting married should be about you and family. Dealing with who is and is not selfish etc is not important and should be the last thing on your mind

So getting married is about family but the right thing is cancelling (possibly) the only wedding they can have where the groom's twin brother, sister-in-law and niece/nephew can attend ... so some random cousin who didn't even want them there can have her way? Doesn't feel right to me.

Shadylou wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, I have to say I'm still stunned with all the fuss from my oh family and the bad feeling has started to filter over to my kids so I've decided that the best thing to do is to cancel the wedding, ATM I'm not even sure if I'm still in a relationship but that's a problem for the personal issues forum lol.

OP, I'm a gutted for you. Read this thread from start to finish and was hoping it would turn out differently, really thought it would. By your comments it's become a bone of contention between you and your partner, is this because he's caving in to pressure from his aunt and his cousin? I suspect your brother-in-law will be gutted too when he finds out you've cancelled because of their shenanigans.

If I was you I wouldn't cancel anything just yet. October is a long way away, just lay low for a while and see what transpires.

It's clear that this stress is causing problems outside of the wedding situation .... so give yourself and your partner time to think about it and digest what's going on and leave the other two to stew.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Button09

I can't believe this happens, I'd defo stick with the wedding, i think it a lovely gesture to do it when brother home, they will get over it.....

monkeysnapper

That's really bad. Go ahead with your wedding . Your doing a good thing and enjoy your day. Their the ones being stupid and selfish . Don't drag yourself down to their level . Only thing I'd probably do is say it to your family coming over from oz . If they say they don't want to get their visit spoiled by their stupid tantrums then go by their wishes. After all its probably their holiday of a lifetime

Shadylou

Just as a quick update to this....... I have cancelled the wedding and myself and himself are taking a break, I'm heartbroken but I'm so disappointed in him for the way he's behaved over this, especially as it was his idea in the first place. He's allowed members of his family to insult me in front of our kids and he's really not the man I thought he was. At least the cousin will save some money on our meals at the wedding!!!!

Slutmonkey57b

That's horrible op. If your fiance can't stand up against a random cousin bullying him, you or your kids, then he's got a lot of work to do before he's a useful partner in any relationship, never a husband.

With two small children together even taking a break will be stressful. However, don't allow anyone to treat you with this horrific level of disrespect. You don't owe them anything. I would be inclined to refuse to let him bring your kids to bridezilla's wedding either, if he still intends to go.

niallam

I'd stand by my OH against anyone in my family or hers.
I might have understood a bit more if it was his close family, a brother or sister, but a cousin??? I'd just have told them where to go, in a lot fewer words than that too
I really hope everything works out for you and the kids

Libby029

I am so sorry to hear this, i have just read this thread start to finish, if I had got my hands on that cousin getting married I would have removed a few teeth for her, then at least she would really have problems then... what is it that people think when they get married that no one else can get married. You get a wedding day not a wedding week or a wedding month. I am sure your partner was getting it in the ear for his family so has obviously caved under pressure, and at the end of the day you are the mother of his children and he should stand by you no matter what. If he can't stand up to a poxy cousin and aunt well then he hasn't much integrity and u might be better rid. Obviously the cousin is having the big wedding, can't afford it, so needs every penny she can get her hands on in the way of presents...

Toots

Shadylou wrote: »

Just as a quick update to this....... I have cancelled the wedding and myself and himself are taking a break, I'm heartbroken but I'm so disappointed in him for the way he's behaved over this, especially as it was his idea in the first place. He's allowed members of his family to insult me in front of our kids and he's really not the man I thought he was. At least the cousin will save some money on our meals at the wedding!!!!

I'm so sorry to hear this. Taking a bit of time apart will hopefully give you a bit of time to think things over with clearer heads. If/when ye decide to give it another go it might be worth having a session or two with a relationship counsellor so if there's a conflict in the future it can be dealt with as a couple as opposed to you being hung out to dry. In the meantime look after yourself and try to put his horrible family members out of your mind.

Shadylou

Toots* wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear this. Taking a bit of time apart will hopefully give you a bit of time to think things over with clearer heads. If/when ye decide to give it another go it might be worth having a session or two with a relationship counsellor so if there's a conflict in the future it can be dealt with as a couple as opposed to you being hung out to dry. In the meantime look after yourself and try to put his horrible family members out of your mind.

Thanks for the advice, I really needed some time away from him to get perspective and the longer it's going on the more I think it was the right decision to make, I think he might feel the same way too and that might've been why it was so easy for is relatives to talk him into calling off the wedding.

LH2013

So sorry to hear this . . . Keep strong