Has She Gone Cold on Me?

AnonymousM83

Not sure if this is a relationship issue, as I don’t know if I am in a relationship or not, but here goes. Apologies for the length of my ramblings.

Anyway, I met a girl online dating about a month ago. We chatted online at first, then via text and then met up in person about 2 weeks ago. We got on very well, stayed talking for 3 hours and agreed to meet up again. On the second date, which was a week ago, we went for lunch and ended up chatting away again for 4 hours. Again, we said we should meet again. We arranged to go for dinner on our third date, which was Friday. She told me beforehand that she was really looking forward to it. We had a nice dinner, chatted for a while and then when we were leaving the restaurant I took her hand in mine and I kissed her. We spent a while walking around town, hands held, chatting and I then walked her to her car where we kissed again. Afterwards I texted her saying I hoped she had a nice time and that I enjoyed spending time with her. Her response was positive and she said she enjoyed spending time with me and that I was good company. So I said we must definitely meet up again soon and she agreed.

The problem kind of came yesterday. She had to work and is having problems with her job, so much so that it’s making her quite miserable and she is thinking of quitting. Anyway, I texted her yesterday morning to see how she was getting on at work. We texted a little back and forth and then she said that she was thinking of just jacking in her job on Monday. I replied, with a perhaps too long message, saying that I understood her problem (as I had quit a job I hated before), wished I could do something to help and laying out the pros and cons of staying/quitting. I got no reply (This was about 12.30 yesterday) but thought nothing of it. I was a little concerned that she was down in the dumps so about 6 last night I texted her to see how her evening was going. But no reply.

I don’t know what I am asking for here. Am I being completely paranoid that she has not replied or has she just gone cold on me? I thought things were going so well!!

I should also say that I am 27 and she is 23 and also that I have never really had a girlfriend/long term relationship.

Idle Passerby

I wouldn't worry too much about it. She is having problems with work, that's her priority, not a guy she barely knows. It could just be an unfortunate time to have met someone new when there's other stuff on her mind, she might not be in a position to think about getting to know someone when shes on the brink of quitting her job.

You've expressed concern and she knows how to reach you if she wants to. Leave it at that. I also would not consider it a relationship after a few dates and a kiss. Its very very early days.

Asbury Park

AnonymousM83 wrote: »

she said she enjoyed spending time with me and that I was good company. So I said we must definitely meet up again soon and she agreed.


I don’t know what I am asking for here. Am I being completely paranoid that she has not replied or has she just gone cold on me? I thought things were going so well!!

I should also say that I am 27 and she is 23 and also that I have never really had a girlfriend/long term relationship.

Hi OP, I think that because you have so little relationship experience, your insecurities about what constitutes a relationship are impacting on how you feel about this girl and the situation you find yourself in. A couple of years back I experienced a lot of problems re. work and it did impact on my relationships, first with an ex and then with someone I began seeing a few months after we broke up. There's never a good or bad time to be involved with someone, sometimes it just happens, but try telling that to people who find themselves in the midst of a crisis - sometimes the last thing you want to think about is your love life because it becomes a complication you can do without.

In a relationship (and you are still at the dating stage but the same dynamic counts) there really are two different people, with different things going on in their lives and different priorities. I don't know if this girl wants to keep seeing you - she seems to like you from what you have written - but right now, her priority seems to be work. Don't send too many texts - she knows where you stand - and if it doesn't work out, it might well do so in the future or you'll meet someone else. You're both still very young. Best of luck OP.

AnonymousM83

Hi all. Thanks for the replies. Well anyway, we got talking again via text and we are meeting up again at the weekend. She has been a bit distant since our last date - where we had our first kiss - but I guess she wouldn't keep seeing me if she wasn't interested and I suppose she maybe just is happier doing our talking in person now rather than via text?

I am hoping that things go well when we meet again as I do really like this girl but don't want to come on too strong or seem too desperate!!! Seeing as we kissed the last time, during and at the end of the date, I would normally just kiss her when we meet again, however, I am not sure where I stand with her now and if going in for a kiss straight up is a good idea?

Brego888

AnonymousM83 wrote: »

Hi all. Thanks for the replies. Well anyway, we got talking again via text and we are meeting up again at the weekend. She has been a bit distant since our last date - where we had our first kiss - but I guess she wouldn't keep seeing me if she wasn't interested and I suppose she maybe just is happier doing our talking in person now rather than via text?

I am hoping that things go well when we meet again as I do really like this girl but don't want to come on too strong or seem too desperate!!! Seeing as we kissed the last time, during and at the end of the date, I would normally just kiss her when we meet again, however, I am not sure where I stand with her now and if going in for a kiss straight up is a good idea?

No kiss straight away!
You're coming on way too strong.
Too early to put all your cards on the table, you need to keep her guessing a bit if you want any future with her.
Play it cooler and be more aloof.
A warm smile or a hug would be better

ManOfMystery

Slow down a little. She's obviously having some stress from her work situation, so I'm sure the last thing she needs is any kind of pressure in her social life too - just go out and enjoy yourselves and play it by ear.

You seem to be overthinking things waaaaaaay too much - relax! Try not to think past the next date, and stop worrying about when to kiss her, or where to do it, etc. The two of you are obviously getting on well enough if you both want to see each other again, but it's still only the first few dates so don't get too heavy/serious on her.

AnonymousM83

Hi guys. Thanks. The advice actually makes me feel a whole lot better. I texted her this morning to see how she was and she was having a crappy day. I said that I would try to cheer her up when we meet up. I left it at that and will back off now until we meet again, where I will just be there to have a fun with her and won't push anything. I have realised that I have really been waaay overthinking things and screw it, if things work out great, if not then hey!!!

AnonymousM83

Thanks all for the advice. Just an update. This one has run its course. She texted me earlier saying sorry but she had to cancel our meeting at the weekend. This was the first girl is a long time that I had got this far with. I really thought that we were getting on well and I really liked her but I guess I must have done something wrong, ah well

Sephiroth_dude

AnonymousM83 wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice. Just an update. This one has run its course. She texted me earlier saying sorry but she had to cancel our meeting at the weekend. This was the first girl is a long time that I had got this far with. I really thought that we were getting on well and I really liked her but I guess I must have done something wrong, ah well

Did she end it?or just cancel your date at the weekend?

AnonymousM83

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Did she end it?or just cancel your date at the weekend?

She didn't end it. She said she was busy and that she was sorry. I replied, saying that it was okay and that we might meet up some other time. I got no response to that. I don't know. It just kind of felt like she was just letting me down gently. I will leave it at that. I really hope she contacts me again, as I would really love to meet again. But I don't see any benefit to chasing her now. Ball is totally in her court.

Sephiroth_dude

AnonymousM83 wrote: »

She didn't end it. She said she was busy and that she was sorry. I replied, saying that it was okay and that we might meet up some other time. I got no response to that. I don't know. It just kind of felt like she was just letting me down gently. I will leave it at that. I really hope she contacts me again, as I would really love to meet again. But I don't see any benefit to chasing her now. Ball is totally in her court.

Ya good call,leave it to her to contact you now and if she does then great but if not well then that sucks.

Lorna123

It's disappointing when things don't work out when you like someone but you did everything right so this has nothing to do with anything you said or didn't say. It is better to find out that she didn't feel the same as you did early on rather than be dating her for months and then be let down. You sound very caring to me and there are so many girls out there who would love a guy like you. Best of luck with the next one OP, you will get there in time.

AnonymousM83

Lorna123 wrote: »

It's disappointing when things don't work out when you like someone but you did everything right so this has nothing to do with anything you said or didn't say. It is better to find out that she didn't feel the same as you did early on rather than be dating her for months and then be let down. You sound very caring to me and there are so many girls out there who would love a guy like you. Best of luck with the next one OP, you will get there in time.

Thanks Lorna. It is disappointing and a little confusing too given that we seemed to be getting on so well. Her change of heart really came out of the blue. I guess to answer my original question "Has she gone cold on me?" that would be YES Anyway, back to the drawing board

AnonymousM83

Hey. Sorry for bringing this back up. I thought it was done. However, I got a text off her yesterday (after 2 days of me not contacting her). It was normal. Asking how I was getting on, general chit chat. No mention of bailing on our date. I played it cool, didn't rush to reply or mention meeting up again. I reckon it's up to her to suggest another date now given that she bailed on the last one.

Why would she contact me again if she wasn't interested? And surely, she will suggest meeting again if she likes me?

Merkin

All is not lost but you do need to take control of this situation. It sounds like she is extraordinarily stressed by work and having been there myself, that can take precedence over everything.

I'd be friendly back to her in a text and tell her to get in touch when she wants to reschedule. I'd then leave it. I think she probably will reschedule as it sounds like you've had a nice time so far but if she doesn't then she doesn't and at least you will have expressly left the ball in her court.

Honey-ec

AnonymousM83 wrote: »

I played it cool, didn't rush to reply or mention meeting up again. I reckon it's up to her to suggest another date now given that she bailed on the last one.

I'd agree with Merkin, but you do need to send some kind of reply to her text. She's not going to suggest another date without you replying to her last text.

AnonymousM83

Honey-ec wrote: »

I'd agree with Merkin, but you do need to send some kind of reply to her text. She's not going to suggest another date without you replying to her last text.

I did reply to it. I meant I just took my time. We texted back and forth a little, like we have previously. However, there was no mention of another date yet. I am thinking that I should not bring up the idea of another date, it should be her? And where does that put me with texting. Do I just carry on as normal and if so for how long before giving up ie how long do I continue chatting with her without her offering another date?

Honey-ec

AnonymousM83 wrote: »

I did reply to it. I meant I just took my time. We texted back and forth a little, like we have previously. However, there was no mention of another date yet. I am thinking that I should not bring up the idea of another date, it should be her? And where does that put me with texting. Do I just carry on as normal and if so for how long before giving up ie how long do I continue chatting with her without her offering another date?

I'd definitely leave it up to her to suggest another date. I've been in the position of having to cancel dates for genuine reasons myself in the past and I'd always make sure to reschedule ASAP. If she doesn't, unfortunately, I think you have your answer.

However, I would give her the benefit of the doubt for a few days, simply because of the work situation. In the meantime, carry on replying to her texts. If she's still yapping away in a week's time but without making any mention of meeting up again, I'd pull the plug, tbh.

AnonymousM83

Honey-ec wrote: »

I'd definitely leave it up to her to suggest another date. I've been in the position of having to cancel dates for genuine reasons myself in the past and I'd always make sure to reschedule ASAP. If she doesn't, unfortunately, I think you have your answer.

However, I would give her the benefit of the doubt for a few days, simply because of the work situation. In the meantime, carry on replying to her texts. If she's still yapping away in a week's time but without making any mention of meeting up again, I'd pull the plug, tbh.

Thanks Honey-ec. I actually like chatting to her so will reply away for now without offering another date. I really would like to see her again, but she knows that, so now it's her turn to let me know that she wants to see me again. If in a week she hasn't mentioned meeting up again then I will just move on. Man, this dating game is tough

LegacyUser

AnonymousM83 wrote: »

Thanks Honey-ec. I actually like chatting to her so will reply away for now without offering another date. I really would like to see her again, but she knows that, so now it's her turn to let me know that she wants to see me again. If in a week she hasn't mentioned meeting up again then I will just move on. Man, this dating game is tough

Almost the same situation is happening to me with a girl i have dated a few times and then she went cold. She suggests meeting then cancels the day before. And texts me and I respond she doesn't respond for a day. And she used to be so enthusiastic about it all. So I've come to the conclusion she is a time waster and changed her mind for whatever reason. Absolutely maddening and frustrating. i know i did nothing wrong I can't explain it but it is what it is sorry mate.

DangerMouse27

AnonymousM83,

Its a tough one for you to be experiencing but reading through your posts, its gripping stuff!

In all seriousness, I think we have all been there. My mistake before was being too eager, firing off reply messages as soon as you get one. Its hard to play cool but in helps in the long run.