Boyfriend is broke

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend almost a year, we are in our early twenties. He is a student with a part time job and I'm earning minimum wage full time. So I have some money (very little with bills) but he is almost always broke.

Whenever we go out, pub, dinner, cinema I've always paid for most of the cost. I do it with most things really cause I guess I'm just trying to help out. He never asks me to do that, but the problem is if I don't offer to pay for certain things then we would never do anything!

He would just about have enough money to get a few cans before the pub at the weekend. We do that a lot, every weekend almost. But if it came to going to a gig or to dinner or for a proper night out (with no predrinking) he cant afford it. I know this is not his fault and unfortunately its not a situation that will change over the next 3 years... but I can't help but feel like I'm getting bored...

I love him and hes my best mate, but its the same thing every weekend. We've never gone out for the day anywhere because he only has one day off a week and he doesnt ever want to actually have to do anything. We've never stayed at a hotel together. We've gone out for dinner a couple of times but I paid and I can't afford to pay for 2 people much.

I don't know how to remedy this situation. Its not just about the money, I'm always suggesting things to go do at the weekend, but he is more inclined to want to stay in.

It just feels like after not having been together a year, theres no real sense of romance or excitement. He doesnt believe in Valentines day, which is grand, I dont really either. But at the same time hes not romantic either. He has never really surprised me with anything or made an effort to make me feel special. I don't expect princess treatment but something it all just seems a bit.... dead.

hedgehog21

Forgive me if I'm being a lil insensitive, but it's time to put your thinking cap on, he has no money, how can he do stuff if he has no money?

lukesmom

How about you sit down and tell him your frustrations.

Toast4532

hedgehog21 wrote: »

Forgive me if I'm being a lil insensitive, but it's time to put your thinking cap on, he has no money, how can he do stuff if he has no money?

I agree with this.

What about, if the two of you each put by a little money each week, say €10, at the end of the month or even longer, why not use that money for a day out somewhere? Set a budget for that day and then plan the day around the budget.

How do you expect your bf to pay for dinner, drinks, nights out, hotels, surprises etc if he has no money? I mean, if your situations were reversed, and he was the one earning, would he constantly expect you to fund things with little or no money?

The best thing you can do is sit down with him and tell him how you feel and see where you can go from there.

gavindublin

I don't think the op expects material goods or nights out paid for. Sounds like a trip on the dart and a stroll around bray would do.

Maybe try explain your bored, not in a financial way but a stimulation way.

There's a lot of pressure to put a value on things and maybe he's afraid to go out to and have that in his face all the time.

Or he's a lazy pig!

CaraMay

Can he not afford to go to a gig if he forgets about the cans?

LegacyUser

gavindublin wrote: »

I don't think the op expects material goods or nights out paid for. Sounds like a trip on the dart and a stroll around bray would do.

Maybe try explain your bored, not in a financial way but a stimulation way.

There's a lot of pressure to put a value on things and maybe he's afraid to go out to and have that in his face all the time.

Or he's a lazy pig!

Thanks gavindublin, this is what I mean. I'm not blaming him at all for the financial situation... I've been that broke student in the past and I know how much it sucks. I've been through 4 years of that. And although I'm still by no means well off I can afford now to go out for a good night out say once a month. Its just frustrating that I'm now seeing someone who cant, so its like being back at square one.

To clarify, I don't expect him to pay for my night out, or pay for a hotel or surprise me with expensive gifts. I know he doesnt have money. Its just frustrating sometimes that if we want to do anything out of the ordinary I have to pay the whole amount.

Caramay, to be honest a lot of the time I buy the cans.

I've tried to voice the frustration in the past but he takes it very personally. And I know its not his fault so I don't want to make him feel bad about a situation that he cant change.

On the financial side, I just kind of wanted some advice on how to deal with my frustration.

I'm not a high maintenance person, so what gavindublin said about getting a dart to Bray sounds bloody lovely to me. Its just not somethin he'd ever think of to do. I've tried suggesting things of that nature in the past and he always has some reason not to go. Then when I've tried to talk to him about the fact that we don't do things he just says I'm making him feel bad, but he doesnt really change.

I don't know. Maybe I should just be happy that hes a nice guy and get on with it. If thats the case please tell me.

convert

I don't know where in the country you're based, but there are always lots of things to do which don't cost a fortune, or, indeed, anything. If you're based in Dublin there's lots of things to do, such as museums and galleries, which are free, a walk around Phoenix park or city centre parks, looking at the paintings on Merrion Square, buying a day ticket for the bus/dart and going somewhere different.

You don't need to go out for dinners, etc., either. If you save up, you can cook a really nice dinner and have a good bottle of wine for less than half the price you'd pay for a dinner out in a 'good' restaurant. In fact, if you buy all the 'raw' ingredients, you would probably pay less that somewhere like Eddie Rockets! You could cook together, and you'd get to spend time together doing something productive and different, and it doesn't necessarily have to cost a huge amount, either.

However, I really think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain how you're feeling to him. Tell him that you understand and appreciate how difficult the financial situation is for both of you, but you would like to try do more things together. Re-assure him that things 'things' don't have to cost a fortune, and that it is possible to go to free events and go for walks together, etc. Explain that you know that ye won't be in this situation forever, but you would like to try and do more things together. Also, take the above poster's suggestion re. putting away a small amount of cash each week to save up for a 'special' occasion. See how he responds, and then you'll have to see where you go from there.

CaraMay

You are too young to be stuck with someone this dull. Having little money doesn't mean life has to be boring... He is choosing to make life boring. Imagine what he will be like in 50 years?!?!? Yawn...

Richy06

OP, this is less about him or you having little money and more about him being a lazy ****e who shoots down every little you suggest in favour of doing the same thing every week. He puts up the blinkers and tells you 'You're making me feel bad' when you bring it up. Well, tough sh*t buddy, you're making your girlfriend feel bad to the point of it being a proper issue. You need to sit down and talk to him and explain what you're feeling. That it's not about money, it's about his complete and utter lack of motivation. You aren't asking for the world.

If he won't change, stop wasting your time on him.

Lenmeister

Are you serious? You're with him a year and you've never spent the day out anywhere? What's with this guy. He can't be that broke that you 2 can't get the bus to Dunlaoire and take a walk along the seaside and sit on the beach or go the the Phoenix Park and have a picnic or something, go to the Zoo etc. Come one this guy needs to grow up. He has 1 day off a week and never wants to "have to do anything". Sounds like a lazy.. I won't say it. But he needs a good talking to.

I don't want to sound harsh but from the sounds of things he doesn't really sound like he cares that much. Of course I'm sure he does but he doesn't sound like he's showing it. He might be a student, but that doesn't mean you have to spend most weekends in the pub drinking. That's a major problem with so many people is their life revolves around alcohol. You don't feckin need this to have a good time. You'd have soooo much more of a good time going to the beach or the zoo or whatever. If I only had 1 day off a week I'd want to spend it going off somewhere(anywhere) with my OH and cramming as much fun in there as possible.

You need to consider something though. If he has been like this for the past whatever amount of time and "doesn't want to - have to - do anything", what's it going to be like for the next 3 years? You both going to wait until the summer rolls around before you can actually have lots of time to enjoy your time together? You said he takes it personally when you voice your frustration. That to me is utter rubbish. You have needs, you tried to sit down and tell him and he took offense. Sounds very selfish. Imo you got to make him listin, otherwise he won't change. "theres no real sense of romance or excitement" - you've already said it, cause you're bored, very bored. If you're bored now, God knows what you'll be like down the line, you'll be die'ing to leave him. Talk to him now, if he doesn't change, then I don't see you being happy. Hope this helps and everything works out.

I do sound harsh here but if I was you I'd be quite upset, not at the whole money thing but not doing things together and going off for the day. You have a right to be happy, and he should be making it happen.

Gee_G

No, you shouldn't be happy that he's a nice guy and get on with it. Because you're obviously not happy!

If he only has one day off, you have to Tell him that this is now your day together to do something. Everything can be done on the cheap. Some of our best days out were ones that consisted of us having a picnic or sitting in the car with a flask and sandwiches or a special homemade meal and movie.
Also, there is so many deal websites now, you would get some lovely nights away or fancy meals out etc for the same price as your cans and few drinks out!:)

LegacyUser

Most of the people I know were students/had poor paying jobs or were unemployed at some stage. A lot of them met people at this stage of there lives and they are still together or married years after this. The reason for this was they made an effort with each other to spend time together and saved up to have an odd nice night out.

Ok he has not got a lot of money and if you are living in a city on the min wage you have not got a lot of spare cash either. Meanwhile you are bring him on night out because if you didn't do this you would spend every Sat night in drinking cans. Sat nights drinking cans at home is what a married man with a couple of small kids do not a lad in his early 20's.

At this stage he should know you well enough that it is not always about money but you want him to spend time with you and make an effort with your relationship.
What is stopping him from saving up all his change for the next few weeks and bring you out for a cheap meal. What about all the deal website where some times day out come up cheap/ vouchers for meals worth €50 for €30 ect. What about him going into tesco,m &s ect and looking for the fancy ready meals going cheap as they have to be used that day or the meal deals for €10 -€12.
I would see what he does in the next few week and once his college exams are over I would tell him that unless he starts to make an effort with you it will be over between you.
Some of the best nights out I had with friends were done on the cheap.

Motley Crue

Lots of stuff you can still do for free or at a discounted rate. Walks in the Park, visiting Museums, Libraries - and to be honest, if it was me (although I don't drink), I'd imagine if I loved you enough I'd be prepared to give up the price of a few cans for the price of admission to a cheap film night or a museum admission

If I couldn't pay for both I'd at least want to pay my own way