He's changed his mind about children

LegacyUser

We’ve been together 7 years. From early on we both wanted children. So for the last 2 years we have been trying for a baby but no luck. My hormone tests from GP came back ok but I still think I have a problem and need further investigation. In October OH had sperm analysis and it was low but not impossibly so. But this was a big blow for him. Since October OH has put off doing 2nd sample. There was always an excuse (Christmas etc). It all came to a head on Tuesday when I said that we need to get it done. I still might have a problem that I need to get seen to. In the UK we are also entitled to 3 rounds of IUI and IVF on NHS but I have said that I would be more than happy to adopt instead.

He now says he’s not ready for a baby. He’s too stressed and he needs to sort himself out before thinking about it. He’s finally made a doc’s appointment to get some help with stress. He also can’t say if he will definitely want children later. He can’t give me even a broad time frame. I can deal with us not being able to have children but not wanting them is different.

He doesn’t understand why I’m angry. He thinks I don’t care about his issues but HE fobbed me off for years about going to a doctor about his stress. I’ve said I need to think about our future as I don’t want to end up hating him. If he does decide he wants a baby we are going to struggle to conceive because of our problems and ages. Am I being unreasonable here? I think I need to look out for myself and I can’t gamble on the chance that he’ll want children in the future. I think I need to see him really make a big effort to deal with his stress too. Sorry for the longwinded approach! Any advice?

CaraMay

What ages are you? What is causing his stress?

You have two choice (as you know), either out it on the backburner for a while to let him try to destress or else finish with him and try to meet someone who you fall for, want to have kids with and who feels the same with you. It's very far from impossible and I know many oeople who have achieved this in their late 30's/ early 40's.

My issue with him would be the lack of empathy towards you. It's all about him. I personally would not wait round any longer for someone who was willing to mess me round like this.

December2012

I'd imagine its a bit of a knock to say the least when dealing with fertility issues and have problems confirmed. It might be like having your fears come true.

I feel for you both.

I think it's time you talk these issues out with a relationship counsellor to help you both understand each other.

Taltos

Actually I don't think either of you are to blame here, if you really want to point a finger look at you both.

He is being honest with you to a point. With stress he just is not capable of making any life changing decisions, add to that the responsibility he feels for you not being able to have kids. And with all of that being asked to give you some meaningless date by which all will be OK so you can try again.

You - well you are being consistent here but I don't think you are able to separate your desires with what is best for your marriage. Yes I know you have invested heavily in having a child but with the current environment do you really think a child will help your marriage or just overburden an already stressed relationship. Not trying to scare you here but I think you both are running a very real risk of causing your marriage to fail.

My suggestions.
1. Both agree to put children on the BACK BURNER for a short while, no discussion of children or of getting pregnant or of fertility treatments.
2. You BOTH need marriage counselling.
3. He needs help to deal with his stress, until he learns to get it under control and to gain some confidence again it is never going to work.
4. You both continue to seek help - medical / physical for whatever is affecting your fertility, stress can be a contributor, but so can general health and fitness.

Really I am not trying to scare you here but you have to take a step back and figure out what is more important to you both - a long happy life together or a child when one/both of you are not ready and a broken marriage...

campo

I don't think he has changed his mind OP it sounds to me that he is a bit down about the whole scenario.

My advice would be for the both of ye to have a little break away together and to release some of this stress.
And when ye come back give it a month or so before ye try again.

I know it is a tough time for you but as a man I can tell you this scenario would knock my confidence for 10 as he knows how bad you want a baby and he probably feels that he is not doing his part.

As I said a nice break away and a bit of space will give him a chance to get his confidence back and he be willing to start again imho.

Hope it works out

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again. Thank you all for your replies. I think writing all this down in my original post made things a lot clearer to me. I'm 32. He's 39. After a sleepless night I spoke to him and said that I need to see him make some real changes for his health and not just talk about it. We have also agreed to wait a few months or longer and see how he feels. I suppose stress is an illness like any other so I need to support him through it.

I do worry that if he decides down the road that he doesn't want kids at all I would hold it against him and I don't want that. There will come a time when a decision has to be made.

CaraMay

You have time op. I would give him a year max . He hasn't dealt with stress up to now and needs to show you he is willing to do so and to work with you. A year is ample time. If he doesn't then tbh I would move on.

Is it likely that at 39 he just doesn't want kids but doesn't have the balls to tell you (it happened me and he wasted 2 years of my 30's)... There is a good chance he is settled now and the thoughts of the Ivf process and a baby then to change his life further just doesn't appeal anymore. You need to bear this in mind. He may never be ready. Whatever you do, don't give up on your dream if kids for him.

Go about your own fertility and have all the tests / treatments done. Make sure you are in good health and a healthy weight so when you get the opportunity to get pregnant then you are ready to go - be it with him or someone else.

LegacyUser

Having problems with fertility is not easy for either people.
I have had a friends of mine who went through what you are going through at the moment.
For some men finding out that things are not what they should be can be a blow.
Being stressed is not helping him also.
In the next 3 months you need to see him going to the doctor about his stress and making changes to his life to improve this.
In this time frame I would lose some weight if you are overweight. I would join slimming world to do this. I would also start to take some pre baby vitamins.

In 3 months time I would mention the sperm test again and see what changes he needs to make to improve this. Let him make these changes for a month before the test.

My friends took time off the baby making/fertility test for a year and said lets see what happens. If nothing happens with in this time we will try ivf. One treatment on iui and they have a baby. My friend said it happened as she was not stressed about it.
Good Luck.