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Housemates and boundaries

  • 14-03-2013 6:58pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    I have a new housemate, he only moved in a few weeks ago, and I'm finding it really hard to deal with his lack of boundaries. I keep wondering - am I overreacting (perhaps a little bit) or is there a real issue to be addressed and sorted here.

    The guy (he is in his late 30s) keeps using my food. Nothing major, mainly he uses my spices and eats my fruit. I've always had an agreement with my housemates, that if we wanted to use each other's stuff, we'd ask and if that's not possible because the other person was not at home, we could still use it as long as we'd replace it before the other person got home. The new housemate never asks, he just helps himself and never replaces anything.

    It's not the monetary value of the stuff he takes that I have an issue with really, but I feel like he is invading my space, if that makes sense. He has no problem taking my last apple or my last grapefruit in the morning, before I get up... what if I was in the mood to have it for breakfast too - it's my stuff! Gosh, I must sound so petty :(

    Today I came back from work and found that again he ate my last grapefruit and threw a few of my kiwis in the bin. The kiwis were a bit dried out but I'd still have eaten them! It's not up to him to throw out my stuff for goodness sake :(

    I'd like to know what you guys think - am I being petty or should I address this? I didn't mention anything until now but him throwing out my stuff today really peed me off :(


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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 involved lemming


    My advice - keep your fruit in a cupboard - even if you don't want to. It should make your point clearly to him without having an altercation.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,341 emo72
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    No. You are not petty. The housemate sounds a bit thoughtless. Have a word or things will fester and then problems will develop.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 915 judgefudge
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    You are not being petty whatsoever! That's mad.

    No it's not cool for someone to eat your food like that. I've been in house shares where sometimes we'd share milk or bread because it didn't make sense to have 3 or 4 lots of it. But he's eating your fruit and throwing it out? That's nuts. I wouldn't mind so much about the spices. The problem here is that ya probably should have said it straight off. But there's still a chance so just say to him that it's not cool that he eats your food. He can hardly get upset over it!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 Ickle Magoo
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    The trouble with boundaries is there is no uniformity. If his eating/touching your food is bugging you, just nip it in the bud and ask him not to. You don't have to make a big deal about it or have a serious sit down, just next time you see him casually mention that you have noticed some of your food is going awol and that the house has a rule that food either isn't touched or is replaced before the other person might need it. Just keep it friendly and light and give the guy the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he's still working as his previous house did....?

    All the best. :cool:


  • Posts: 3,505 [Deleted User]
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    mygoat wrote: »
    Nothing major, mainly he uses my spices and eats my fruit. I've always had an agreement with my housemates, that if we wanted to use each other's stuff, we'd ask and if that's not possible because the other person was not at home, we could still use it as long as we'd replace it before the other person got home.
    I wouldn't worry about the spices, but why don't you just say the above to him about the fruit?
    Today I came back from work and found that again he ate my last grapefruit and threw a few of my kiwis in the bin.
    Throwing out your stuff is out of order. I really think he just doesn't realise how much it bothers you. Tell him.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 156 yaya*
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    You're not being petty at all-my god, I'd be raging if someone ate my food without asking and then, threw stuff out that wasn't even his!! The cheek!

    Seriously though, you need to sit down with him and explain why you're not happy with his actions-he's only there a few weeks so now is the time before this stuff becomes ingrained.
    Also, maybe don't be as easygoing this time about the food rules you have with housemates-this guy sounds like he needs some strict boundaries.

    Good luck


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    My advice - keep your fruit in a cupboard - even if you don't want to. It should make your point clearly to him without having an altercation.

    Thank you for you suggestion. I don't think that would stop him, though as the other day he took stuff from my shelf in the cupboard. I was so surprised I didn't say anything. I've never shared a place with someone who takes other people's stuff without asking. I just took all my fruit and put it in a paper bag and left it in the fruit bowl.

    I don't know, it's not only the food that's the issue... he tries to treat me like I'm a family member and this makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's so suffocating :( I honestly feel he thinks the food is ours! :eek: Oh bhoy...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,291 Gatling
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    I shared a house with a lad like that before ,happy to eat what ever was in the press or fridge as long as he didn't pay for it,funny thing he would say I had a great lunch at this cafe or dinner he never buy a pint of milk but deemed everybody else's milk as shared, one other house mate bought a roast to do a group dinner one Sunday ,the gob****e went and cooked the meat that was left in the fridge on the Saturday while the rest of us were in work, it was a funny sight watching him been dumped out of the house literally by 5ft nothing young woman over a piece of meat


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 915 judgefudge
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    mygoat wrote: »

    Thank you for you suggestion. I don't think that would stop him, though as the other day he took stuff from my shelf in the cupboard. I was so surprised I didn't say anything. I've never shared a place with someone who takes other people's stuff without asking. I just took all my fruit and put it in a paper bag and left it in the fruit bowl.

    I don't know, it's not only the food that's the issue... he tries to treat me like I'm a family member and this makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's so suffocating :( I honestly feel he thinks the food is ours! :eek: Oh bhoy...


    He sounds like an odd one. You're going to the expense and effort of shopping for that food. He is being weird and taking advantage of the fact that you probably don't want to say anything. I don't blame you, he has put you in a horrible position but I think the only way you're going to get through to him is to spell it out.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,298 Duggys Housemate
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    Whatever about the food eating throwing out old food is legit. I would do that.

    What don't you have a kitty for this stuff anyway and common fruit can go in the common areas, and special fruit in cupboards.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,291 Gatling
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    Op are you the only other person in the shared arrangement,


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ABajaninCork
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    My advice - keep your fruit in a cupboard - even if you don't want to. It should make your point clearly to him without having an altercation.

    That's passive aggressive, IMHO. I would have a conversation with the housemate. You're both adults, and so should be able to have an adult conversation.

    Speak to the housemate.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    Whatever about the food eating throwing out old food is legit. I would do that.

    What don't you have a kitty for this stuff anyway and common fruit can go in the common areas, and special fruit in cupboards.

    I would understand if the food was rotten or smelly, I'd probably do it too. The kiwis were a bit wrinkly, but perfectly eatable. Maybe he wouldn't have eaten them, but this shouldn't matter - it wasn't his decision to make...

    There is no common food in our place. I don't eat bread (well, very rarely) or drink regular milk (I used to share these with housemates), so we don't share any food. I don't want to share food with him anyway...

    Mind you, I always say yes when he occasionally asks if he can help himself to something. I'm a rather generous person. Just really hate him taking stuff without asking and taking the last piece of fruit without ever replacing it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    Gatling wrote: »
    Op are you the only other person in the shared arrangement,


    Yes, there are only the two of us here.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 200 RoisinDove
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    Whatever about the food eating throwing out old food is legit. I would do that.

    What don't you have a kitty for this stuff anyway and common fruit can go in the common areas, and special fruit in cupboards.

    Why? How is it your place to do that? OP said they were a bit dried out but she'd have eaten them. It's not the housemate's business. The only time it's acceptable to throw food out if it's really rotting and stinking the place out. I remember when a housemate a few years ago threw out 5 bananas I had because they'd gone very brown - I was going to make banana bread with them that evening. :mad:

    I'd be raging if someone ate my food and threw it away without asking me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    Thanks everyone. I've been wondering if other people would feel annoyed by something like this and it feels good to know that others can relate.

    I appreciate you took time to respond.

    I don't know how this happened that I didn't mentioned he shouldn't eat my food when he first moved in :D I always discussed these things with my previous housemates at the start and since I never had a similar issue, I completely forgot to have that chat with him... and now it's been a few weeks and he is so forcefully nice that I started avoiding his company... I feel like i can't breathe around him.

    You are right, those of you who mentioned it, I'm at fault for not saying it from the start...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,291 Gatling
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    Op its not your fault this guy is taking advantage of a friendly house mate ,if your nor happy or comfortable with this chap then maybe its best you ask him to move on, he's happy to eat your food or throw it out when it suits him ,you don't need to explain when somebody moves in to a share situation mature grown up know its a shared living space, not ohh what's yours is shared and what's mine is mine, next you will be paying his bills too,


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    Gatling wrote: »
    Op its not your fault this guy is taking advantage of a friendly house mate ,if your nor happy or comfortable with this chap then maybe its best you ask him to move on, he's happy to eat your food or throw it out when it suits him ,you don't need to explain when somebody moves in to a share situation mature grown up know its a shared living space, not ohh what's yours is shared and what's mine is mine, next you will be paying his bills too,

    Thanks Gatling. See, I don't feel that he is deliberately taking advantage of me though. It really seems that he doesn't understand that we are strangers sharing a house... this sounds weird, I know, but he is behaving like we are living together in the same way and with the same rules as family members do. I don't know if he ever shared a place with strangers before. He probably moved from his parents' house into his own house, where he lived alone until he moved counties for work a few weeks ago.

    So on one hand I understand it might be difficult for him to grasp that there are different rules when you live with strangers (I'm really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here). Frankly, I'd love to ask him to move on and I'm considering it. Not because of the little issues that bother me - they could be addressed one by one in a normal situation. But this doesn't feel normal. With the level of discomfort I feel around him I do think it may be best if he moves out unfortunately.

    I don't know if I should still mention that he shouldn't eat or throw out my food if he is moving out or just bear it for the duration of the notice period, though.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,298 Duggys Housemate
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    RoisinDove wrote: »

    Why? How is it your place to do that? OP said they were a bit dried out but she'd have eaten them. It's not the housemate's business. The only time it's acceptable to throw food out if it's really rotting and stinking the place out. I remember when a housemate a few years ago threw out 5 bananas I had because they'd gone very brown - I was going to make banana bread with them that evening. :mad:

    I'd be raging if someone ate my food and threw it away without asking me.

    Nobody can guess your intentions with clearly gone off food - and brown bananas are there, or thereabouts.

    Generally when I shared, mostly with friends but not always to begin with, we kittied for cleaning products( I can't see how anybody avoids that) and replenished bread, tea, butter, sugar and milk for the house when it ran out. I used to buy fruit and biscuits for the house but they weren't necessarily refilled when finished. It evened out.

    Maybe guys are different. I've never lived with a woman who I wasn't romantically involved with, and nor would I. There is too much sweating the small stuff.




  • Nobody can guess your intentions with clearly gone off food - and brown bananas are there, or thereabouts.

    Generally when I shared, mostly with friends but not always to begin with, we kittied for cleaning products( I can't see how anybody avoids that) and replenished bread, tea, butter, sugar and milk for the house when it ran out. I used to buy fruit and biscuits for the house but they weren't necessarily refilled when finished. It evened out.

    Maybe guys are different. I've never lived with a woman who I wasn't romantically involved with, and nor would I. There is too much sweating the small stuff.

    Which is surely why you shouldn't go throwing it out? I've had similar issues with flatmates throwing away my bread because it was stale - I use stale bread for breadcrumbs when I'm cooking! Would also use 'past its best' fruit for jam, pies, etc. I don't really appreciate other people deciding what is and isn't edible, as long as it isn't rotting all over the place. I find that most people are really wasteful and would throw stuff away long before I would. Don't see what's so difficult about leaving people's stuff alone unless it actually affects you. I've houseshared for years and the only way to go when sharing with strangers is to do your own thing, IMO.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12 christinekiki


    Hey i have had this problem in the past, throwing out food is out of order unless it is mouldy/smelly. Sharing the odd thing is okay once it is replaced. I often had a problem whereby i'd buy tin foil& my housemate would use it all and put the empty box back in the press. Then i would need it and notice it was empty, this is quite annoying! Also had a housemate that would eat my food and then replace it with a "similiar" item- more often than not a not so nice cheap alternative. I buy a lot of own brand stuff so i am not a snob but some of the replacements were really not the same.

    I'd speak to him because if you don't it will continue and cause friction, which you don't want in a house share believe me! General rule i go by- if i am badly stuck for milk/tea bags or something and a housemate has them in abundance i will take it. Otherwise i go to the shop or i do without! And i always say it to them that i borrowed something even if it was only a drop of milk. Manners don't cost a thing.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,914 Big Bag of Chips
    Admin ✭✭✭✭✭


    Maybe he genuinely thinks it's 'household' stuff? How long has he been living there, and has he bought any fruit while being there?

    You're just going to have to say it to him. It will be an awkward conversation, but what's the worst that can happen after?


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Faith
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I'd just say something like "I should have mentioned it at the start, but I think it's best if we buy our own food. Things just get complicated when it's communal. If you really need to borrow some of my food, that's cool, just as long as you replace it before I get home. Also, I noticed you threw out some of my fruit the other day. I'm sure you were just cleaning, but I would appreciate it if you left my stuff to me to look after".

    It's out of order for him to eat your stuff, but best work on the assumption that he doesn't realise that. Approach it in a friendly way and see how that goes.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 831 Diziet
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    Just tell him outright - say that you don't want to share food and can he please stop using yours. Say that you find it simpler not to share food. It is not a big deal to set some boundaries; how is he supposed to know if nobody says anything? (OK, he should have asked of guessed, but not everybody does).


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    Maybe he genuinely thinks it's 'household' stuff? How long has he been living there, and has he bought any fruit while being there?

    You're just going to have to say it to him. It will be an awkward conversation, but what's the worst that can happen after?

    He's been living here for almost 5 weeks and yes, he regularly buys all sorts of fruit. On the day he moved in, he brought a big bag of fruit, including 3 grapefruits. I was craving a grapefruit and asked him, could I have one and I'd replace it first thing in the morning. He said that of course I could have one and that I didn't have to replace it. This is when I told him that I wouldn't do that, that I'd always ask if I wanted something of his and I'd replace it the next day the latest. This happened twice - I asked, and then replaced it the next day.

    The issue I have with him is that when he runs out of his stuff, he uses mine without asking, and then doesn't replace it (doesn't even buy the same kind of fruit for himself for a week or two).

    Now, I know I should have said, that I'd like this to work both ways. I guess I assumed it was obvious. I also told him about the arrangements I had with my previous housemates but again, I didn't tell him that I'd like to have the same arrangement with him - for the same reason - thought it was obvious.

    Also, on the first day he moved in he asked if we have a kitty box for communal stuff, like toilet roll or cleaning products, milk and bread and so on. I told him that since we have separate bathrooms, we buy our own toilet roll and cleaning products for the bathrooms. I had plenty of cleaning products for the living room and the kitchen so told him that I always take turns with my housemates buying things if we run out. I've never had any problems with this arrangement and told him that I'd like to keep things the same way. I told him that since we didn't really share anything, there was no need for a kitty box and he was fine with that.

    So I don't know, on one hand I didn't exactly spell the rules out to him so I'm guilty of that; on the other hand, I did tell him, many times, that I like to keep things separate but it seemed to go over his head. He keeps trying to get a sense of "togetherness" with me and I am really, really not up for it. And this I did tell him before he moved in and a few times since.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    Faith wrote: »
    I'd just say something like "I should have mentioned it at the start, but I think it's best if we buy our own food. Things just get complicated when it's communal. If you really need to borrow some of my food, that's cool, just as long as you replace it before I get home. Also, I noticed you threw out some of my fruit the other day. I'm sure you were just cleaning, but I would appreciate it if you left my stuff to me to look after".

    It's out of order for him to eat your stuff, but best work on the assumption that he doesn't realise that. Approach it in a friendly way and see how that goes.


    This is such a lovely way to approach it, thanks for putting it into words for me, Faith! I had no clue how to say it to him and the way you phrased it feels really kind to me.

    I'm feeling really wound up though. I need to sleep on it and hopefully, tomorrow, I will find a friendly way to talk to him about things.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
    ✭✭


    Hey i have had this problem in the past, throwing out food is out of order unless it is mouldy/smelly. Sharing the odd thing is okay once it is replaced. I often had a problem whereby i'd buy tin foil& my housemate would use it all and put the empty box back in the press. Then i would need it and notice it was empty, this is quite annoying! Also had a housemate that would eat my food and then replace it with a "similiar" item- more often than not a not so nice cheap alternative. I buy a lot of own brand stuff so i am not a snob but some of the replacements were really not the same.

    I'd speak to him because if you don't it will continue and cause friction, which you don't want in a house share believe me! General rule i go by- if i am badly stuck for milk/tea bags or something and a housemate has them in abundance i will take it. Otherwise i go to the shop or i do without! And i always say it to them that i borrowed something even if it was only a drop of milk. Manners don't cost a thing.

    Thanks, christinekiki, this is exactly how I go about doing things too! Funny thing is, I'd always been very clear with my previous housemates about my expectations. I'd tell them for example - feel free to use my eggs, just be aware that I use organic eggs so when you replace them, please buy organic too. I guess I've had so many positive experiences that I kind of got used to it and didn't feel it was necessary to spell things out to my current housemate. I sure was wrong.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 mygoat
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    Which is surely why you shouldn't go throwing it out? I've had similar issues with flatmates throwing away my bread because it was stale - I use stale bread for breadcrumbs when I'm cooking! Would also use 'past its best' fruit for jam, pies, etc. I don't really appreciate other people deciding what is and isn't edible, as long as it isn't rotting all over the place. I find that most people are really wasteful and would throw stuff away long before I would. Don't see what's so difficult about leaving people's stuff alone unless it actually affects you. I've houseshared for years and the only way to go when sharing with strangers is to do your own thing, IMO.

    Thanks Sara Quick Treasury, I see things the same way as you do. If I saw that something belonging to my housemate was beginning to spoil, I'd ask them if I could throw it out. I wouldn't just pick it up and throw it in the bin - it's really not up to me to do this.

    I also think that the only way to successfully share a place with strangers is to do your own thing. Problem is, some people don't like that, they seem to want to play family with strangers. I shared a house with someone similar a good few years ago and I remember feeling just as suffocated as I'm feeling now :(




  • mygoat wrote: »
    Thanks Sara Quick Treasury, I see things the same way as you do. If I saw that something belonging to my housemate was beginning to spoil, I'd ask them if I could throw it out. I wouldn't just pick it up and throw it in the bin - it's really not up to me to do this.

    I also think that the only way to successfully share a place with strangers is to do your own thing. Problem is, some people don't like that, they seem to want to play family with strangers. I shared a house with someone similar a good few years ago and I remember feeling just as suffocated as I'm feeling now :(

    It's just not really possible to do that because people are so different and apply their norms and rules to others. I remember when I knocked on my flatmate's door and gave out after realising he'd thrown away my bread and he just couldn't understand why I'd keep stale bread when I had a new, fresh batch on the same shelf, because to him, bread is just for sandwiches and toast. He was looking at me like I was an idiot. It hadn't even occurred to him that I might want it stale to make breaded chicken or meatballs or whatever because he didn't really cook. Same guy threw out my apples that were going a bit soft because 'you wouldn't eat them like that' - I was going to make apple sauce with them! Likewise when I got up in the morning and discovered that my flatmates had finished my milk. They said they were planning to buy a new one later that day - not much use when I eat cereal for breakfast! It's all just so irritating and now I just buy my own stuff and nobody else is allowed to touch it, full stop. I found that the 'sharing' thing only ever went one way because I anytime I needed anything, nobody had it. It was just an inconvenience to me.

    I also find it suffocating when strangers want to play happy families. I'm friendly and I like a good buzz in the house, but I prefer to keep my stuff to myself. You could try telling him this directly, as he doesn't seem to get hints!


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  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Neyite
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I wouldn't worry about the spices, but why don't you just say the above to him about the fruit?
    Throwing out your stuff is out of order. I really think he just doesn't realise how much it bothers you. Tell him.

    I would. Spices and herbs can be dear enough for the small amount you get in the jar. Taking anything belonging to another housemate without asking is cheeky and fosters distrust.

    OP, mention it in passing, or even "John, did you see a punnet of kiwis here? I cant find them" then open up the conversation from there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,039 MJ23
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    I have never heard of anyone craving a grapefruit before.

    Just tell him, be blunt with him.

    I lived with a fella before who thought he was still at home. Never bought anything. Caught him drinking my milk, out of the carton one morning. He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it. The one time he did buy milk, he bought 6 litres of the UHT crap. Thank god ill never see that smelly, lazy, annoying, loud fool again.


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