Caring for abusive elderly parent .... your opinions please?

mashedbanana

Hi :-)

I know someone who is regularly 'kowtowing' to her abusive elderly parent.
The parent is absolutely saddling this person, and expects her to come running at the drop of a hat. She is very nasty/liardy/manipulating person, generally unliked.

Now, her other children have pulled back, and refuse to tolerate her behaviour. Even the very odd phone call ends in a row. To save their marriages they have pulled back.

Anyhow, this 'friend' approached her siblings, in a very confrontational manner demanding that they 'deal with the abuse, tough luck, so what, she's your mother, do the right thing' sorta way. They explained in the bast possible way, the reasons for their lack of love towards an abusive parent. She wasnt interested. Refused to see their point of view.

The siblings are concerned for her, as they know better then anyone how the elderly parent has a way of guilt tripping, to get her own way. But they are torn between keeping their sanity/marriage/ family together & helping a sibling who just isn't strong enough/hasn't the balls to say 'no mother' once and for all.

Can I just add, the 'friend' has spent the last 5 years climbing so far up her mothers ass, that now she can't handle the stress of it all. she wanted to be the 'good lil girl', doing as she was told, but now it doesn't suit. sometimes listening to her talk, I wonder if it's her or her mother I'm listening to!

Any advice would be greatly welcomed :-)

looksee

There really isn't a lot of point giving advice to a third party. Her siblings are aware of the problems and are not able to talk to her. My only suggestion is that she be advised to talk to a counsellor, it sounds as though there are problems deeper than a friendly chat is going to sort.

mashedbanana

looksee wrote: »

There really isn't a lot of point giving advice to a third party. Her siblings are aware of the problems and are not able to talk to her. My only suggestion is that she be advised to talk to a counsellor, it sounds as though there are problems deeper than a friendly chat is going to sort.

Well it's not really 3rd party. it's a family matter, but I wanted to come at it from a neutral point of view tbh. It's so far past a friendly sit down and chat it may as well be on another planet! There are alot of fractures in the family, and a sibling that is constantly chasing an unatainable love is one of those fractures. As long as she continues to kiss ass...the rest of us will be expected to follow suit.
She refuses to except that we won't tolerate the old cows abuse. She feels it not a choice, she feels obliged to let herself be abused. Almost like the abused protecting the abuser. This has only driven a deeper wedge between us sisters now.But I 'get' it. I'm a bit older & a bit more educated on it all now.

Has anyone else felt obliged to care for an elderly abusive mother? Putting up with the vile controlling verbal abuse all week long with the hope of a crumb of 'niceness' the odd occasion?and in the process make your siblings feel like crap for not accepting the same abuse?

looksee

This isn't about the sibling, its about the guilt being felt by at least one of the family. If she wishes to keep chasing your mother's affection and putting up with abuse, well, she is an adult, its her choice.

The rest of you have to deal with your guilt in your own way. You have to decide to leave your mother and sister get on with their lives, and you get on with your's. It isn't even relevant what the other siblings do, all you have to concern yourself with is your own response, and whether you are going to feel guilty.

Once you have done that, do your best not to get into any arguments or disputes with either the one sister, or any of the others. Just keep saying, look you deal with mother the way you see fit, and let me do it my way.

If you do decide to continue to see your mother, only stay as long as she is being civil, one word out of place and just get up and leave. Don't row about it. At the same time it is still not your problem what your sister does. You can only deal with your own situation.

mashedbanana

looksee wrote: »

This isn't about the sibling, its about the guilt being felt by at least one of the family. If she wishes to keep chasing your mother's affection and putting up with abuse, well, she is an adult, its her choice.

The rest of you have to deal with your guilt in your own way. You have to decide to leave your mother and sister get on with their lives, and you get on with your's. It isn't even relevant what the other siblings do, all you have to concern yourself with is your own response, and whether you are going to feel guilty.

Once you have done that, do your best not to get into any arguments or disputes with either the one sister, or any of the others. Just keep saying, look you deal with mother the way you see fit, and let me do it my way.

If you do decide to continue to see your mother, only stay as long as she is being civil, one word out of place and just get up and leave. Don't row about it. At the same time it is still not your problem what your sister does. You can only deal with your own situation.

Thanks :-)

Once I had it all typed out and re-read it was so much easier to understand it myself. Simply put our sister doesn't have the backbone to defend herself and resents us that do. Yes, she can continue to chase after her mother, who cqn never be pleased, and the rest of us will continue to lead a happy life. Thanks again :-)

Emme

Is your sister single or in a relationship? If she's single who is looking out for her? It's easier to distance yourself from an abusive parent when you have a family of your own to look after.

Perhaps there's a bit of your mother in all of you. Try to be kinder to your sister and support her. If she's stressed out looking after your mother perhaps you could all chip in and pay for some respite care?

There's a carers forum on boards. If you posted your concerns there you might get some interesting responses. They might not be what you would like, but you would get a real insight into the minds of carers and what they have to suffer day in day out.

mashedbanana

Emme wrote: »

Is your sister single or in a relationship? If she's single who is looking out for her? It's easier to distance yourself from an abusive parent when you have a family of your own to look after.

Perhaps there's a bit of your mother in all of you. Try to be kinder to your sister and support her. If she's stressed out looking after your mother perhaps you could all chip in and pay for some respite care?

There's a carers forum on boards. If you posted your concerns there you might get some interesting responses. They might not be what you would like, but you would get a real insight into the minds of carers and what they have to suffer day in day out.

Shes in a relationship yes, and regularly stands back (we have all witnessed) and lets the mother verbally abuse her fella. We are usually the ones that come to his rescue God love him. She has a child also. The major issue is that she can not/refuses to understand why we too, won't take the grief off of mother. It's almost like the abused prtecting the abuser! and defending/excusing the abuse.
With regards to kindness...been there done that, We have all tried eveything is paceify the woman, nothing works.
Our sister doesn't actually 'care' for her, in the understood snse of the word. But regularly meets up for coffee/abuse. Rgularly calls home to visit her/receive more abuse. Is a general lap dog. The rest of us have had enough of it, and have given our sister due warning 'run as fast as you can'

From what I have learned abusers have been known to abuse different family members differently, so naturally we would all have slightly different perspectives. But abuse is abuse. Sister said she feels 'obliged' to be there as they are our parents, and is more then williing to take ALL the hassle thats involved.....til now. She has learned the hard way that being an ass kisser to an abuser gets you no where. and round & round it goes. Till yesterday, when we were all 'every name under the sun' cos 'mammy' keeps ringing 'her', and 'mammy' keeps wanting to meet up with 'her'.

So as a family we are avoiding a nasty mother, and now a nasty sister too. She got what she wanted, and now it doesn't suit.