Does working a lot more that your partner mean they do more at home?

So in a relationship, if you're out working early every morning to support everything and your partner has an extremely easy time of it, is it acceptable to expect that they do some household stuff in their free time?
I think it's perfectly acceptable if you're putting in big hours to support it all.

Obvious private issue turned into a debatable topic.

Senna

Just do the bloody dishes!!!!

Oranage2

Well maybe if you worked a little harder you could afford a domestic worker.

Seachmall

If they do work less then I'd expect them to pick up more of the household stuff but I can't imagine how you'd convey that without sounding like a dick.

Have you tried punching them?

I have never sat down with the girls and worked out who does "more" than who. I am not sure even how to quantify it. Do you do it by time invested in each chore? Or do you weight that by difficulty or unpleasentness of the chore involved? Or what? I would not even know where to start.

With the girls we have just fallen into a routine of who does what the best. I am the best cook - so much so that I have quite literally banned them from my kitchen entirely. I have made one of the girls already a mum - so much of the work related to that falls to her. When the other becomes a mum too this will shift around a lot. Since I do all the cooking - I rarely do the cleaning - except where I am good at "clean as you go" cooking so I do not leave much for them.

It simply has never occured to me to rank the work we do in and out of the home and compare it. The routine just evolved by itself and as far as I know we are all happy and content enough with it. When someone needs a hand with something they just give a shout out.

Legs.Eleven

Eh...yeah? You're being taken for a ride, pal.

SEPT 23 1989

It goes without saying

HondaSami

Deleted User wrote: »

So in a relationship, if you're out working early every morning to support everything and your partner has an extremely easy time of it, is it acceptable to expect that they do some household stuff in their free time?
I think it's perfectly acceptable if you're putting in big hours to support it all.

Obvious private issue turned into a debatable topic.

If the partner is at home all day then I would expect they do all the house work, cooking etc, weekends are shared responsibility.
If the partner is working full time then the housework is shared.

Corkbah

I'm lazy .... but a bit of a perfectionist when I do cook/clean etc.

so ...I dont do it very often but when I do .... its very much appreciated.

of course, I work 12-14hour days (self-employed) and work 6 days a week....so, maybe I'm not actually lazy and just tired and want to relax before I goto sleep and restart my whole day again.

Well as I said to her, I'd love to swap and have her lifestyle and then she can pay for everything. She goes to uni from 12.30 to 4.30 four days a week. I work six days a week and am fairly wrecked a lot of the time.

Really feel like I'm being taken for a ride. I don't want to come home and she's bitching about dirt on the couch.. It's my house, I'd hire a cleaner if she'd let me and even then, she has an unbelievable amount of time in the day to do a bit of spring cleaning.

And I do clean the dishes.. It's one thing I've never really minded doing.

Deleted User

What do you mean by "support it all"?

If the other person is solely living off your wages, then sure.

If however, you're evaluating your work as being more important than theirs or adding up your hours and comparing them, then you're being completely unreasonable and are a jerk.

Deleted User wrote: »

your partner has an extremely easy time of it

And if you say this to them, you're going to be in BIG trouble.

Mr Benevolent

I work, but my girlfriend is unemployed at the moment. I usually do more cleaning than she does. The feckin breakfast things wouldn't even be put away when I get back from work, although that could be that she's a bit depressed about not finding work. There's no point complaining about it though, doesn't help anything.

Wait a second OP, aren't you in Vietnam? Just get a cleaner in for pennies. See, you're the sugar daddy, she's attached to a comparatively rich foreigner, why would she 'lower herself' to cleaning? That'll be her attitude.

Seachmall

Deleted User wrote: »

Well as I said to her, I'd love to swap and have her lifestyle and then she can pay for everything.

How did that work out for ya?

Pumpkinseeds

I'm unemployed and during the week I do the shopping, housework and cooking. I'll wash the dishes and my husband will dry them. At weekends we share the housework. It was my choice to do the bulk of the household chores as I'm at home. Expecting him to come home after a 12 hour shift and do the housework while I've sat on my ass all day doing nothing would be ridiculous.

You really shouldn't have to ask someone to do some work around the house if they are at home all day. It should be done, if for no other reason, as a way of contributing to the realationship and a sign of appreciation to the main wage earner.

HondaSami

Deleted User wrote: »

Well as I said to her, I'd love to swap and have her lifestyle and then she can pay for everything. She goes to uni from 12.30 to 4.30 four days a week. I work six days a week and am fairly wrecked a lot of the time.

Really feel like I'm being taken for a ride. I don't want to come home and she's bitching about dirt on the couch.. It's my house, I'd hire a cleaner if she'd let me and even then, she has an unbelievable amount of time in the day to do a bit of spring cleaning.

And I do clean the dishes.. It's one thing I've never really minded doing.

Life is way too short to put up with crap, get someone who appreciates you and you will be happy to share the housework.
FWIW i would tell her to cop on and get her act together and stop her bitching.

witchgirl26

I think if both are working full time - it should be shared. However if one person is home more than the other, then the decent thing would be for that person to do a small bit extra so as to help out. Only fair really.

PirateShampoo

taxAHcruel wrote: »

I have never sat down with the girls and worked out who does "more" than who. I am not sure even how to quantify it. Do you do it by time invested in each chore? Or do you weight that by difficulty or unpleasentness of the chore involved? Or what? I would not even know where to start.

With the girls we have just fallen into a routine of who does what the best. I am the best cook - so much so that I have quite literally banned them from my kitchen entirely. I have made one of the girls already a mum - so much of the work related to that falls to her. When the other becomes a mum too this will shift around a lot. Since I do all the cooking - I rarely do the cleaning - except where I am good at "clean as you go" cooking so I do not leave much for them.

It simply has never occured to me to rank the work we do in and out of the home and compare it. The routine just evolved by itself and as far as I know we are all happy and content enough with it. When someone needs a hand with something they just give a shout out.

Here Joey Fritzil, I didn't know you had access to a computer in your cell.

Jaxxy

To be fair his gf isn't sitting at home all day doing nothing, she's going to college and studying. Fair enough she is home more but that doesn't necessarily mean she has to keep your house. During the week just make sure you both clean up after yourselves and then on the weekend split what needs to be done. That said, she has an extra few hours during the morning so I don't really see why she couldn't do a quick wizz around or throw on a load of washing...

diamondp

yes they should look after the house stuff, whoever is home first gets stuck in, din on wash on things like dat, now if only one of you work den in MY opinion whoever isnt working should do nearly all of it or if both working it should be shared.

PirateShampoo

PirateShampoo wrote: »

Here Joey Fritzil, I didn't know you had access to a computer in your cell.

I am way too scared to even google that and work it out

Dark Phoenix

Op I'd be p**sed off if she is only going to college for 4 hours four days a week, is living on your wages and can't be bothered to do basic cleaning and household chores while you are working six days a wee. She has a huge amount of free time?!
My partner and I both work. When he works weekends I'd look after the cleaning and cooking and vice versa.

Gongoozler

Ads you need to sit down and have an adult conversation. Speak about what you both expect from the other, and sort something that works for you both. You agreed to put her through college, so it's hardly fair to hold it against her.

Oranage2

HondaSami wrote: »

Life is way too short to put up with crap, get someone who appreciates you and you will be happy to share the housework.
FWIW i would tell her to cop on and get her act together and stop her bitching.

Good idea in theory, reality is the GF is most likely really hot.

homemadecider

Deleted User wrote: »

Well as I said to her, I'd love to swap and have her lifestyle and then she can pay for everything. She goes to uni from 12.30 to 4.30 four days a week. I work six days a week and am fairly wrecked a lot of the time.

Really feel like I'm being taken for a ride. I don't want to come home and she's bitching about dirt on the couch.. It's my house, I'd hire a cleaner if she'd let me and even then, she has an unbelievable amount of time in the day to do a bit of spring cleaning.

And I do clean the dishes.. It's one thing I've never really minded doing.

If she'd let you? Your house, your money, your decision surely?

Legs.Eleven

Jaxxy wrote: »

To be fair his gf isn't sitting at home all day doing nothing, she's going to college and studying. Fair enough she is home more but that doesn't necessarily mean she has to keep your house. During the week just make sure you both clean up after yourselves and then on the weekend split what needs to be done. That said, she has an extra few hours during the morning so I don't really see why she couldn't do a quick wizz around or throw on a load of washing...

But she's doing nothing at all by the sounds of it, which means he's doing it all. She in college four days a week for 4 hours and as tough as college can be, it's nowhere near as tiring as working a full-time job. I worked part-time right through college as do most students in Ireland plus I cleaned up after myself. She's getting 100% supported by him and it'd be nice to show a bit of gratitude for that, no? He's not her father and he doesn't owe her anything. Relationship love is conditional and both people have to make the effort.

I think you need to have a mature talk about this, OP. No accusations, just stating calmly how you feel with the aim of trying to come to a compromise that both of you can stick to.

HondaSami

Oranage2 wrote: »

Good idea in theory, reality is the GF is most likely really hot.

If this is the reason anyone puts up with crap then they only have themselves to blame imo.

Jaxxy

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

But she's doing nothing at all by the sounds of it, which means he's doing it all. She in college four days a week for 4 hours and as tough as college can be, it's nowhere near as tiring as working a full-time job. I worked part-time right through college as do most students in Ireland plus I cleaned up after myself. She's getting 100% supported by him and it'd be nice to show a bit of gratitude for that, no? He's not her father and he doesn't owe her anything. Relationship love is conditional and both people have to make the effort.

I think you need to have a mature talk about this, OP. No accusations, just stating calmly how you feel with the aim of trying to come to a compromise that both of you can stick to.

I too put myself through college while working. I didn't have to, my boyf has offered to support me so I can go back and get my degree but I declined, because I know exactly what that would entail and the strain it could possibly put on our relationship. I'm sure the OP is aware of this too and I'm sure both he and his gf discussed the arrangement at the time. It doesn't sound like he is resenting the financial aspect of it though, more like he feels that he works harder, so therefore he is entitled to do less around his house. He mentioned that he offered to get help for the mundane running of the house and she refused, so maybe she doesn't see the problem. Or maybe she feels that her time studying is equally as important as his time working. And who are we to say it isn't? All we know is that the OP says she does nothing. She'd probably disagree with that.

Anyway what it boils down to, I agree, is communication. You need to talk this through with her OP, calmly and without prejudice. I'd avoid the "I'm supporting you I should have a dinner and martini waiting for me when I bring home the bacon" route though.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Well as I said to her, I'd love to swap and have her lifestyle and then she can pay for everything. She goes to uni from 12.30 to 4.30 four days a week. I work six days a week and am fairly wrecked a lot of the time.

Really feel like I'm being taken for a ride. I don't want to come home and she's bitching about dirt on the couch.. It's my house, I'd hire a cleaner if she'd let me and even then, she has an unbelievable amount of time in the day to do a bit of spring cleaning.

And I do clean the dishes.. It's one thing I've never really minded doing.

If you're paying all the bills then its reasonable to expect that the other person contributes more in other ways, especially since she apparently has the time.

I think she's being selfish and is maybe starting to feel a little entitled. I'd be inclined to tell her straight out that you're not going to pay 100% of the living expenses as well as do 50% of the chores. That is patently unfair and if she's unwilling to see that I'd be very wary.

She should be trying to make up the shortfall in contributions (by doing more around the house, if not financially) instead of expecting you to contribute more.

I'd consider the basis of this relationship if I were you.

laoch na mona

both partners should do equal work be it in or out of the home if partner a has a job then b should do more of the domestic stuff

Gmol

Confab wrote: »

I work, but my girlfriend is unemployed at the moment. I usually do more cleaning than she does. The feckin breakfast things wouldn't even be put away when I get back from work, although that could be that she's a bit depressed about not finding work. There's no point complaining about it though, doesn't help anything.

Wait a second OP, aren't you in Vietnam? Just get a cleaner in for pennies. See, you're the sugar daddy, she's attached to a comparatively rich foreigner, why would she 'lower herself' to cleaning? That'll be her attitude.

Sorry but i don't think sitting arround and not working is going to help her mood as that gives too much time to think. To be honest it isn't fair leaving everything to you IMHO

aaakev

Had the conversation myself a few times, it usually ends up with me offering to quit my job and swap positions in the house. Its never happened...

Ush1

She's being totally unreasonable.

1. She does less work than you.
2. Is she paying rent if you own the house or contributing at all?
3. She has the nerve to complain about the cleanliness of the house?

Equality in 2013 eh?

judgefudge

Ush1 wrote: »

She's being totally unreasonable.

1. She does less work than you.
2. Is she paying rent if you own the house or contributing at all?
3. She has the nerve to complain about the cleanliness of the house?

Equality in 2013 eh?

The fact that she's lazy and happens to be female has got nothing to do with equality. So don't even.

Ush1

judgefudge wrote: »

The fact that she's lazy and happens to be female has got nothing to do with equality. So don't even.

Was a joke to be honest but my point was that is not an equal situation at all.

listermint

Throw her out on the street, See if she likes cleaning that










* probably not sage advice

MurdyWurdy

I'm at home and my husband works full-time and because of that, I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Dinner is cooked and ready when he gets home and then I'll clean up after it as well. He puts his own clothes away but I'll get them washed and dried etc.

There's still some things he does around the house (taking the rubbish out/doing the recycling) but I do the majority, it's only fair, imo.

Medusa22

Unless there are circumstances that you haven't informed us about, I think your girlfriend should be doing more housework. I think the person who works less should do more. If you are also supporting her financially then she should definitely do more housework.

However, I am doing a uni degree which is only about 14 hours a week but for every module I do (6 of them), I am required to do 100 hours of work in my free time, as a consequence I spend most of my evenings and weekends doing college work so perhaps you shouldn't underestimate how much she needs to do for college.

My partner works 40 hours a week and we do try to split the housework fairly evenly but my situation is different because I have a serious health problem which prevents it from being completely even. That being said, I support myself financially and I do the clothes washing and hanging it up and putting it away and we take turns cooking etc so I try to keep it as even as possible.

pickarooney

Is this still the really rich one or a new one? How is she stopping you getting a maid?

jester77

Depends, is she a demon in the bedroom?

pickarooney

pickarooney wrote: »

Is this still the really rich one or a new one? How is she stopping you getting a maid?

She's gone.. This one I've been with for 14 months. Anyways, we had a blazing row followed by a nice evening out with two friends. Going to bed now happy enough.

Think she understands more where I come from now.. She does quite a bit but calling me lazy was definitely a bad choice on her part and that's what really set the whole thing off.

michellie

My boyfriend works full time. I work 2-3 days a week, I do the cleaning and most of the cooking depending on what shifts he's on. We have a 4 year old too, some times I literally go all day before I can sit down and relax, today was one of those days

Dwork

You need to define "working a lot more". I go out and deal with the world, my Wife stays home. I have a sneaking feeling I might get the easier end of the bargain. Unending housework, demanding kids and your "hours" being from when you wake up to when you go to sleep. Not too sure societies definition of "working hard" shouldn't have a stay at home mum as it's poster girl.

December2012

My husband works very long hours. I'm unemployed but I'm at home with the kids, toddlers, therefore I also work very long hours!

Sometimes the place is tidy and dinner is made for him, sometimes not.

Personally, we are supporting each other (he makes dmoney, I mind dkids) so I try not to ask him to do too much during the week.

Cleaner comes every few weeks to do heavy lifting, I keep on top of the day to day stuff.

Does she need reading / prep time?

Call me old fashioned but I think it's nice to take care of your loved one.

ashers222

I live on my own, I hate cleaning. If I can I'll avoid cooking too. I work all week and leave that kind of stuff for the weekends. If I had to share someone elses mess I'd probably go mad. mad.

Madam_X

The idea of working (if you have the choice not to) while being a parent seems absolutely exhausting, but any mothers I know much prefer having a part-time job as they'd go nuts being at home with the kids all the time.

December2012

Madam_X wrote: »

The idea of working (if you have the choice not to) while being a parent seems absolutely exhausting, but any mothers I know much prefer having a part-time job as they'd go nuts being at home with the kids all the time.

Tru dat.