Support from your Other Half

CavanLady

Hey All,

Where to start....

I've always been horse mad and took lessons for years up until I left school and then got as far as my BHS Stage 2 working at a riding school. I made a big decision and changed career moving into IT where I met my husband and took a break from riding for a few years.

I then got back into it working P/T riding out young horses but ended up having a bad fall and breaking my leg quite badly so quit riding for 10 years and had a family during that time.

2 years ago I started riding again (it's an addiction, right!) and finally persuaded my husband to let me take on a rescue horse, my first horse. Long story short, the so called rescue were nothing more than bin end dealers pulling peoples' heart strings and emptying their pockets. The mare I had ended up having a lot of psychological issues, became quite aggressive and ended up double barrelling me in the chest putting me in hospital. I decided with 2 small children that she wasn't worth the risk keeping so returned her.

I continued with my lessons and was getting on great. A friend ended up buying a 16.2hh ID gelding and asked if I'd be interested in sharing. He was going well but as he settled in he became quite strong and prone to bolting. I ended up taking a bad fall off him and went to hospital by Ambulance with bad concusion. My husband arrived to find me in a neck brace as precaution and me not knowing what day it was.

He was furious and didn't want me near horses ever again however, once I recovered, I went back to my lessons promising I'd be careful on school horses only. I am struggling still with my confidence and a lot of that stems from the fear of falling and my husband going mad again.

It's still a dream of mine to have my own horse, a quiet type that I can bond with but my husband refuses to even talk about it. I annoy myself looking at the 'perfect horses' for sale on Done Deal all the time.

I do understand where he is coming from and is very concerned for my safety but it's all I've ever been into even when I was not riding, I was going to the RDS/HOYS and buying Your Horse.

Very very long story short, do you have the support of your other half/family and if not how do you cope?

Thanks for reading.

paddi22

Could you compromise and get a loan/share of a quiet horse for a while? If he sees that going well, then he might be happier to see you getting your own.

JillyQ

Op I know exactly your situation. I have had a couple of bad falls myself, including being knocked out and a nice little concussion with it as well. My man just did not want me any where near horses after that, and certainly knocked the idea of me getting my own one on its head. However when he saw after a week away for them how unhappy I was he backed down a little and understands that I love horses and will always want to ride them and have them as part of my life, so I simply changed the horse in the school that I ride in to a much older more stable one, that is smaller. If I didn't do that he would not have been happy.

I know when I got the last fall it didn't help that he was away in Portugal and was talking to a paramedic (I think) while I was in and out of consciousness.

Ave Sodalis

My family aren't very horsey at all. Although my mother understands the passion behind them, she still wouldn't watch me or stick around at competitions... dropping me off and leaving :P
The rest of my family hate the fact I horse ride and try to pin every ache and pain on it. :rolleyes: I had very bad back problems a few years ago and suddenly, they all became qualified doctors and told me it was the horses. After several doctors, physios and sport massages, I went to a chiropractor who told me that if it wasn't for the horses and the posture it forces me to keep, I should have been doubled over. I was never as happy telling everyone that.
I know that's only family and I know they were looking out for me but I also know how very annoying it is when someone is trying to tell you to stop doing what you love. I think you just have to be very patient with them and take things very slowly with the horses. Perhaps you could even get your OH involved?

CIARAN_BOYLE

Did you OH push you to give up riding for 10 years after the first incident.

If so he probably thinks he can do it again.

fits

sup_dude wrote: »

....and try to pin every ache and pain on it. :rolleyes: I had very bad back problems a few years ago and suddenly, they all became qualified doctors and told me it was the horses.

Ha not just me then

I have back problems too and riding (and Nordic skiing) really really help.

OP try explaining to your partner that it is your passion in life and that it makes you happy. You understand that he was worried and you will take reasonable precautions but that someone who loves you will support you in pursuing your passions, just as you would with him.

MPB

I read this as him being very concerned for your safety and nothing more really if Im honest. I can relate somewhat as riding was something I started just a few years ago and having had a bad accidnet (not horse related at all) where I was left with neurological injuries it kinda holds me back from getting back on a horse. Though to be fair I did do it last year when I was away on holidays and wasnt comfortable when there were no helmets in use but that was more to do with location and how things worked there than how we do things here. Needless to say there was no cantering or galloping that day. I nearly s**t myself when going down a hill and we gathered a little momentum due to the incline and loose gravel underneath the footing but we got through it without issue. I'd love my own horse and can relate to you in that sense but where we differ is that its not my OH thats holding me back or not supporting me. I have his stance about the idea from my own safety point of view as in I was moments away from death before and I dont want to find myself in that situation again so thats whats holding me back so I understand his thinking and also your situation as I guess in a sense I am both of you at the same time. Yep I'd love to get back into it fully but for my own safety I feel I cant do it

talullah

I can kind of relate to you, my OH has absolutely no interest in horses what so ever, he thinks it's a waste of money and gets jealous if i spend too much time out at my own horse lol. I have an OTTB and have come off her a couple of times too which hasn't helped, but when he sees me get straight back on and brush it off like it was nothing he shuts up for a while...obviously that's not after a major fall like yours but I think it's important to stick at it if it's your passion. It sounds like your husband is just very concerned for your safety. I think if you part share a very quiet horse to get your confidence back he would see that he shouldnt worry too much, that it's not all about falls and hospitals, it seems like that's what he's focusing on The thing about horses is, it's either a complete passion or you really couldnt care less...I don't think there's an inbetween.

CavanLady

Hey all,

Only getting back now after web problems! Thanks for the replies.

It's good to see there are others in the same boat. My OH is 100% concerned with my safety and the practicalities of me being out of action. He is self employed so if I'm off work injured, I can't look after the children either so it would also mean time off unpaid for him too.

To be fair, when I had my Rescue TB and had knee surgery for the od injury, he mucked in and helped with the feeding/haying etc. and then she kicked me in front of him and that was it, he wants noubt more to do with them.

I've been riding my favourite horse at the riding school who is a real sweetheart on the ground but can be spooky and mareish in the saddle but she is big built so can't run off too far and once you show her who's boss she gives in so she is good for me to get my confidence back with how to deal with her in a safe place with an excellent instructor. When I started back, I went with the 2 quiet plod types at the school but felt I needed a bit more of a safe challenge with Dolly.

MPB I completely understand your fear as I am still working through this and it's a horrible block to try and get past. When Dolly gets strong or spooky I know if I sit back and breathe she will relax but instead I tense up, lean forward and it feels like I'm loosing all control just want to get off. She reads me like a book (don't they all) so when I worry, she looks for something to worry about. I was taking a second lesson on a midweek evening but as it got darker, she was more spooky and I was loosing confidence completely and it was showing in my Sat morning lesson so I decided to give the midweek lesson and break and work on my confidence and it's working. I have moments of panic but I'm able to get past them.

The horse share is a great idea, but there aren't many liveries at the yard I ride at and most of them are on the smaller side or not quiet. I did have the option to lease Dolly but the timing was off as I'm just about to finish a diploma course so maybe when it's out of the way I might rethink it but she wouldn't be the quiet type as she is not great to hack in the fields or to ride in the school alone as she is a bit on the spooky side. I've spotted 2 'perfect gentlemen' on donedeal that I'd love to see but I really would love the full backing of my OH before taking it any further.

Really appreciate the advice and being able to chat about these things to others as Tallulah said, there really is no inbetween with horses!