Is it normal to not want to see my boyfriend?

QueenBee1

Hi all. This is the situation. I work 9-6 Mon-Fri. I also travel 2 hours ( an hour there an hour back) I am up at 7 every morning and not home until 7 every evening. When I get home I am just shattered all I want to do is go for a walk have dinner chill out watch telly and hit bed at 10.30. My boyfriend is hassling me to come out and see me but to be honest I don't really want to see him I just want time to myself to chill as I don't really have much time to be fair. Is this normal? Has he a right to be mad at me over this?

Merkin

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Has he a right to be mad at me over this?

Eh, yes. Why on earth are you going out with him if you can't be bothered to make the time to see him?

Chocoholic84

How often do you see him normally?

Tbh, no, if this isn't a regular occurrence and you're not constantly brushing him off, he doesn't have a right to be mad...everyone needs a break now and then, and your day sounds pretty hectic!

Abi

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Hi all. This is the situation. I work 9-6 Mon-Fri. I also travel 2 hours ( an hour there an hour back) I am up at 7 every morning and not home until 7 every evening. When I get home I am just shattered all I want to do is go for a walk have dinner chill out watch telly and hit bed at 10.30. My boyfriend is hassling me to come out and see me but to be honest I don't really want to see him I just want time to myself to chill as I don't really have much time to be fair. Is this normal? Has he a right to be mad at me over this?

If he's angry about it, it must be happening a lot more than he'd like. Can you not comprimise with him?

QueenBee1

Merkin wrote: »

Eh, yes. Why on earth are you going out with him if you can't be bothered to make the time to see him?

Because if you read the whole lot of my post you would see I don't have time to make !!!

QueenBee1

Abi wrote: »

If he's angry about it, it must be happening a lot more than he'd like. Can you not comprimise with him?

No it's not that he's mad because he thinks I'm going off to meet someone else and not him

Lorna123

You could meet him at 6, after work and go for something to eat and then go home early. Where there's a will there's a way !

Abi

QueenBee1 wrote: »

No it's not that he's mad because he thinks I'm going off to meet someone else and not him

That's entirely different. If you see each other several times a week and he's saying on the days you don't see him that you're seeing someone else - well you're looking at insecurity and someone of a controlling nature.

Do you get any of these vibes off him?

Meauldsegosha

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Hi all. This is the situation. I work 9-6 Mon-Fri. I also travel 2 hours ( an hour there an hour back) I am up at 7 every morning and not home until 7 every evening. When I get home I am just shattered all I want to do is go for a walk have dinner chill out watch telly and hit bed at 10.30. My boyfriend is hassling me to come out and see me but to be honest I don't really want to see him I just want time to myself to chill as I don't really have much time to be fair. Is this normal? Has he a right to be mad at me over this?

How often go you see him? Is above your routine all week?

QueenBee1

Abi wrote: »

That's entirely different. If you see each other several times a week and he's saying on the days you don't see him that you're seeing someone else - well you're looking at insecurity and someone of a controlling nature.

Do you get any of these vibes off him?

I see him at weekends and he calls out some evenings during the week too we talk like 4/5 times a day. Yes absolutely he 100% does not trust me and I feel so frustrated because if I say no then he kicks off on one that I'm meetin someone else and doesn't take no for an answer. I know it sound pathetic but I do work a long day and I have my own routine and things I like to do by myself when I get home. He also rings me every hour when I get home just to say hello and see where I am basically

QueenBee1

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

How often go you see him? Is above your routine all week?

Yes mon-fri up at 7 leave at 8 there at 9 work until 6 home at 7 go for a run chill and bed at 10.30

Taltos

OP to be honest he sounds like he has major trust issues. No idea why that might be - but you need to nip this in the bud. We are all permitted time alone or even time with someone else. Insisting on controlling you like this is not a healthy sign at all - in fact it is a big red card that if he doesn't change would have most people running the other direction...

smash

Would you not go for a walk with him and have dinner with him more often? That's your free time right there...

Abi

QueenBee1 wrote: »

I see him at weekends and he calls out some evenings during the week too we talk like 4/5 times a day. Yes absolutely he 100% does not trust me and I feel so frustrated because if I say no then he kicks off on one that I'm meetin someone else and doesn't take no for an answer. it sound pathetic but I do work a long day and I have my own routine and things I like to do by myself when I get home. He also rings me every hour when I get home just to say hello and see where I am basically

Alarm bells. I know this one well. Calling you every hour you're alone, and accusations of cheating is bullying and manipulative.

I'll put it this way, and given my experience of it, he'd be gone.

Meauldsegosha

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Yes mon-fri up at 7 leave at 8 there at 9 work until 6 home at 7 go for a run chill and bed at 10.30

Could you include in your run/walk or have dinner with him now and again.

From your other posts it seems he has trust issues. Have you spoken to him about?

QueenBee1

Yes I have but in feeling smothered. We don't talk all day and the minute 7 comes he rings every hour. I always go running when I come in because I'm a bit of an exercise freak and he rings me to make sure I am where I am and he said earlier tonight when I said this to him that if he has to come out to make sure I am where I am he will if that's what it takes. Now he won't answer me and I'm so worried

Abi

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Could you include in your run/walk or have dinner with him now and again.

From your other posts it seems he has trust issues. Have you spoken to him about?

Its a bit more than that, our boy has a bit of temper to go along with his manipulative ways. They can make for a dangerous combination.

My ex wasnt happy until I wasn't even going to see my friends and was told the reason for that was 'they will only hook you up with someone'.

I had some people warn me, I didn't see it. I thought he was just being a bit over protective, more fool me.

Abi

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Yes I have but in feeling smothered. We don't talk all day and the minute 7 comes he rings every hour. I always go running when I come in because I'm a bit of an exercise freak and he rings me to make sure I am where I am and he said earlier tonight when I said this to him that if he has to come out to make sure I am where I am he will if that's what it takes. Now he won't answer me and I'm so worried

Just seeing this now.


For your own sake, please end it.

Mervenut

Abi wrote: »

Just seeing this now.


For your own sake, please end it.

Totally agree, this guy is a complete control freak, he will make your life hell if this "relationship" continues. You already feel something is wrong, you are right, get away from him now!!

Katgurl

The only place you should be running is far away from this guy and fast!

Your follow-up post was very different to your OP; speaks volumes about how he could be already manipulating your viewpoint.

This is not about you not making time for him. This is about you being a person in your own right.

You are not his property. You are entitled to privacy. You do not have to indulge his crazy paranoia. This is wrong on many levels an it will get worse.

Please leave him or at the very least keep your friends around you and do not find yourself in an isolated position.

vitani

The fact that he has you questioning your right to some alone time worries me. I don't generally say this but end it. End it now.

P. Breathnach

QueenBee1, we have had two threads here recently about women who were victims of abusive relationships. I found them both to be very disturbing, because it is clear that when things progress to a certain point, damage is inflicted that is extremely difficult, perhaps impossible, to remedy. Read them, and reflect on the possibility that this might be in store for you:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056898729
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056894007
Note also that Abi, who is offering advice to you, knows what she is talking about.

You seem to be at a point where you are resisting your boyfriend's efforts to control you. But ask yourself this: is it truly because you are too tired to see him, or is it that you are struggling against drowning in this relationship? I worry, because you are asking us if keeping back some of yourself is wrong. That's the wrong emphasis. I think you should be asking if it is right that he encroach even more on your mental space.

It would make me very happy if you saw the danger that you are in, and got away from this man before he harms you.

Emme

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Yes I have but in feeling smothered. We don't talk all day and the minute 7 comes he rings every hour. I always go running when I come in because I'm a bit of an exercise freak and he rings me to make sure I am where I am and he said earlier tonight when I said this to him that if he has to come out to make sure I am where I am he will if that's what it takes. Now he won't answer me and I'm so worried

OP, like you I have a long day and I understand how difficult it is to meet people. At first I thought you were being unfair and maybe not seeing your bf at weekends but he should understand your busy schedule and be happy to see you once or twice a week. Clearly he's not, ringing every hour once you get in is freaky. You're so busy you probably can't see the wood for the trees, but you would be better off away from this guy. Get rid.

Big Bag of Chips

This might seem like a really stupid question, but I'd like you to honestly think about it... You don't have to come back on with an answer.

Why are you going out with him?

Edit: Generally relationships are supposed to add something positive to our lives. Every relationship has it's strains and tough times, but in general a relationship is supposed to be a good thing, and make us happy & relaxed.

sffc

Have you been with this guy years and years or since you were very young? You sound like you mightened have had enough experience of relationships to know this checking up behaviour is NOT usual or healthy.

AnonoBoy

Think to yourself if you described his behaviour honestly to a close family member what would they say?

Would you yourself approve of a sister going out with someone who acted like this.

There's your answer.

mtjm

OP I was in your shoes, I'm up early and back late and all I want to do is chill when the g/f wanted to meet up else where (I don't have car) she'd say she's pick me up etc.. or even meet me at the train station, I'd rather do stuff at weekends and an odd time we did meet up after work, she'd meet me at my place of work popped somewhere for bite to eat or something as 99% during the weekdays from 9 I just want to chill

tbh I'd explain this to your bf and say look like it or lump it, we make time for each other at weekends and talk/e-mail/text during the week if you don't like it then go, I know it may sound harsh to which I hope it won't lead to that


all the best op

LegacyUser

From what you have told us you have a boyfriend who wants to know where you are and who your with when you are not with him. He wants to see you more times during the week to keep tabs on you and for no other reason.
If your going out with him during the week you are not meeting up with friends, not involved in something that does not include him or could meet someone else.
If he is ringing you every hour the evenings he is checking up on you.
I would see all of the above as warning signs of a man who has problems and control issues.

The person you are going out with should make you happy and if this is so you will make time for each other. I have friends/family who worked long hours and or lived a good distance apart from each other due to work/college. These couples found time to spend together but were not contacting each other every hour on the nights they did not meet.

I would end things with this man as I feel that the longer you stay with him the harder it will be to get away from him. Have you kept in contact with your friends since you meet him? Do you see them on your own or only with him? Has he said anything about your friends or questioned why you are friends with so and so?
Have any of your friends said anything about him or made any kind of remarks about your relationship?
I watched one of my fiends involved in a relationship like this. She got engaged to this man and he called it off a few weeks before there wedding day. She went back to him and eventually she realised that it was going no where.
She meet a really nice man after this who she married. From the 1st time she met her husband I saw the difference in both men and how much happier she was with the man she eventually married.
Life is to short stay with a man who only wants to be with someone who he can control.

ladygirl

Op

I have the exact same work/fitness routine as you. My OH works night so we only see each other at weekends also. On the rare occasion we have to maybe meet during the week (if he has taken a night off) we jump at the chance I would still go for my run - however I would then rush home, change and head out to meet him as I genuinely look forward to spending time together, the only thing that changes is my bedtime - few less hours sleep which I think is worth it.

The fact you don't want to adjust your routine slightly even just one night a week is worrying and I feel if you were genuinely attracted to your boyfriend this wouldn't be such an inconvenience for you to do.

However there is never a jealous element to any of our calls/texts. There is NO need to call someone every hour to see where they are or what they are doing!! That to me is just CRAZY behavior. So I really wouldn't blame you for not meeting him as he seems to only want to check up on you..

If this is what your relationship is like now - try and imagine yourself if you were to live with him. Then he would have full knowledge of your comings and goings - and every time you left the house would involve 101 questions. At the moment you have the strenght not to give into his demands however if your relationship is to develop - he WILL wear you down.. Absolutely everyone is entitled to their free time without being harrassed.

Jealousy is a horrible thing and without trust in a relationship there is no relationship!!

Please leave him - and find a partner that is secure enough in himself to allow to you be an individual. you will be much happier in the long run.

All the best
xxx

stargazer 68

QueenBee1 wrote: »

he said earlier tonight when I said this to him that if he has to come out to make sure I am where I am he will if that's what it takes. Now he won't answer me and I'm so worried

So now he is going to follow you as well as calling you?? Seriously OP take everyones advice and get rid of him now before it gets worse

Pippy1976

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Yes I have but in feeling smothered. We don't talk all day and the minute 7 comes he rings every hour. I always go running when I come in because I'm a bit of an exercise freak and he rings me to make sure I am where I am and he said earlier tonight when I said this to him that if he has to come out to make sure I am where I am he will if that's what it takes. Now he won't answer me and I'm so worried

I have a feeling that this is the real reason why you're backing off.

I get like that too... love my own space and dislike people disrupting my routine. Tell him about it.

I'm always amazed that people don't tell their other halves about things that are bothering them about their partners. Talk to him, describe what you've written here. He may just understand and give you the space you need.

QueenBee1

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice! I don't blame him in a way. We are together on off for 6 years since we were 16 when we were a year and a half into our relationship cracks started to appear and we broke up but I started seeing someone else and went off the rails a bit. That hurt him so much but we got back together. A year later same thing happened but I told him and we got back together again. Then he went to nz we both met new people but ended up with each other again. I love him to bits he's my world but I wish he would stop worrying. He has himself convinced I'm cheating when I'm genuinely not. How can I show him I'm not? He rang me this evening to tell me he wants a break like

December2012

Take the break.

Toast4532

Take the break and make it a permanent split.

If the two of you have split up so many times and gone off with others, then get back together and he is controlling you, why are you together? I am struggling to understand it.

You may love each other, but honestly, is that enough for you both to continue with this unhappiness?

P. Breathnach

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice! I don't blame him in a way. We are together on off for 6 years since we were 16 when we were a year and a half into our relationship cracks started to appear and we broke up but I started seeing someone else and went off the rails a bit. That hurt him so much but we got back together. A year later same thing happened but I told him and we got back together again. Then he went to nz we both met new people but ended up with each other again.

If I understand that correctly, you have had three interruptions in your relationship and each time you hooked up with somebody else. I gather also that you have been honest with him about these other relationships.

I can understand how he might feel a bit less secure than if these things had never happened but when he got back together with you he knew the story, and there is a responsibility on him to deal with his insecurity himself. If he is not capable of handling that, he should not have got back with you.

I love him to bits he's my world but I wish he would stop worrying. He has himself convinced I'm cheating when I'm genuinely not. How can I show him I'm not?

Tell him you are not cheating. That's all. Either he takes your word for it, or your relationship is in serious trouble. It is wrong that he wants proof, and it is wrong that he wants you to account for all your time and all your movements.

How can he truly love you if he regards you as a cheat and a liar?

He rang me this evening to tell me he wants a break like

That's just messing.

LegacyUser

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice! I don't blame him in a way. We are together on off for 6 years since we were 16 when we were a year and a half into our relationship cracks started to appear and we broke up but I started seeing someone else and went off the rails a bit. That hurt him so much but we got back together. A year later same thing happened but I told him and we got back together again. Then he went to nz we both met new people but ended up with each other again. I love him to bits he's my world but I wish he would stop worrying. He has himself convinced I'm cheating when I'm genuinely not. How can I show him I'm not? He rang me this evening to tell me he wants a break like

I'm not using my account as I've closed it to concentrate on my course work, but I've been following your issue and I just have to say your relationship is a holy disaster. The trust is gone for him, and it's basically turned the whole thing toxic. He doesn't trust you, and no matter how much you plead he's not going to believe you. It's turned him into a very scary controlling man.

You say you still love him, but you know this isn't normal. I suggest you take his offer of a break, and make it permanent.

hedgehog21

Lorna123 wrote: »

You could meet him at 6, after work and go for something to eat and then go home early. Where there's a will there's a way !

Thats easier said than done when you have a long day, it's very hard to maintain conversation when your brain is just about ready to shut off, if you see him at the weekend, why would not seeing him on the week days matter, you don't want to live in each others pockets

hedgehog21

QueenBee1 wrote: »

I see him at weekends and he calls out some evenings during the week too we talk like 4/5 times a day. Yes absolutely he 100% does not trust me and I feel so frustrated because if I say no then he kicks off on one that I'm meetin someone else and doesn't take no for an answer. I know it sound pathetic but I do work a long day and I have my own routine and things I like to do by myself when I get home. He also rings me every hour when I get home just to say hello and see where I am basically

That's not a relationship, he thinks of you as his property, what right has he got to know where you are every minute. I couldnt handle that crap

Chara1001

Sorry to hear about your situation Op, your boyfriend is showing unhealthy levels of paranoia and control though.

How are you supposed to 'prove' you're not cheating? He might say he believes you, and that he's only worried about you, but there's a little voice in his head thinking 'why is she late back from the shops' (stuck in traffic) why didn't she answer my sixth call/ text (phone on silent/ head being wrecked with constant calling), 'why isn't she being as affectionate with me?' (you are- its in his head), 'why is she choosing her friends over me? (you haven't seen them for 2 months as he gets upset when you want to go out without him) 'why doesn't she want to see me?' (you've seen him every day for 2 weeks and want a night by yourself to...i dunno- put on a face mask and do your nails. 'Why does she want to see her mother all of a sudden, she must be badmouthing me' (your mum is getting worried as she hasn't heard from or seen you for ages.

Do you see what i mean Op? I'm speaking from experience, i was in a relationship which had aspects like you describe and it got much much worse.

Take the break and best of luck