happily married, love my wife dearly but........

LegacyUser

ok it's one of those points in life where i'm at stalemate.
i've been happily married for a long time ,we have children (not going into detail) except that my wife and i have never had sex. we have discussed the issue lots of times but when we try it always ends in disaster. now it's got to a point i've given up trying. this issue nearly ended the marriage recently,we talked ,tried and again it ended in disaster. i just want the intimacy of being with a woman. it's heart breaking just thinking and typing coming on here. the only time it gets me down is when i think of ex girlfriends then it gets me thinking of what i am and have been missing out on for along time. it is then that i question myself on why i'm really with my wife.

Neyite

OP, can you specify why it is a disaster? is it physical, (in that it hurts) or is it emotional, or kids interrupt or she is tired or whatever? Its hard to advise you otherwise.

We cannot give medical advice here - have you and your wife consulted with a GP or specialist regarding your problem?

LegacyUser

o.p. here
i've been with my wife over 13 years and never had sex/made love. she has no interest whatsoever , we tried lots of times.it seems like she gets fed up. i suppose shes one of these women that can live without sex but i cant and the more i think of all the good times with my ex girlfriends the more i question myself on why i'm with her. we have children conceived by I.V.F. hence they were conceived without having sex.one day along time ago she told me she doesn't love me sexually.
i love my wife and the kids very dearly but as i said the lack of making love on my part is really tearing me apart.sometimes i could wish i could run away and be with a woman with will love me sexually as well as emotionally.

Merkin

I'm rarely lost for words but this is shocking. Shocking and desperately sad, what a lonely place to be.

Have you told her how you are feeling?

A loving marriage involves sex and intimacy so does she know that you're not happy with this status quo? Did you marry her on the pretext that you would some stage be having sex? Are you sexually intimate and just don't have penetrative sex or is there no intimacy whatsoever? Would she consider psychosexual counseling?

In answer to your question, the answer is no. You're not selfish. What you wish for and desire is an integral part of any normal adult relationship.

LegacyUser

You've been with her 13 years and never had sex and it's only bothering you now? How did you get talked into IVF without trying to have kids the old fashioned way first? Did a doctor ask about your sex life before suggesting an expensive and invasive procedure? IVF is offered for people having trouble with fertility issues, if there was a medical reason for your wife's lack of sex drive that should have been explored before going down the IVF road. How or why was IVF even suggested? Did she just tell you she wanted kids but didn't want to have sex so lets try IVF and you said ok? Why have you stayed with someone for so long without talking like adults about what is a major issue? I've a low sex drive but I talk to my partner about it, spoke to my GP to make sure if wasn't something medical and we certainly would never consider getting IVF treatments without addressing such basic issue first. Do you kiss your wife, hold her, touch each other intimately? How can you claim to have a happy marriage if you can't address something like this? I get having an emotional connection with a person but seriously OP either address this issue or leave.

tinkerbell

OP, I really think you both should go to marriage counselling - that is not normal. Also, I find it very strange that you went through IVF when you have never actually have sex ... I just find it odd that that a doctor would put you through IVF if you've made no attempt at conceiving naturally.

farmchoice

as someonewho as been through IVF i can assure you that no clinic in ireland would go through with a round of IVF for a couple who were simply not having sex.

Neyite

Can we bring the thread back to the issue, which is the OP's asking for advice on establishing intimacy in his relationship and leave the IVF questions out of it.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

to answer a few replies.
merkin: yes i did tell her how i'm feeling months ago, i was on the verge of leaving her and she said she'd what she can to save our marriage .no we are not intimate.
cant log in: we have talked lots about this. it has bothered me for years.i was recently talking to someone about my ex's and that brought back memories of one particular one who i had a fantastic relationship with and when i think about her it makes me realise what i'm actually missing in life. there are days that it really affects me then i can go for months without thinking about it.
tinkerbell and farmchoice: put it simply you can be perfectly ok ,go to a doctor tell them your sick and 9/10 you will get something for your complaint. they have to take you at face value.
i know neyite said about sticking to the subject but just to clarify something. you dont need to have intercourse to get pregnant.

LegacyUser

when i married my wife i married her because i loved her. i knew intimacy/sex was a problem because of her up bringing but things could be worked on so i thought. i have seen alot of things in my life and i'd swore that i would never ask her to do something she didn't want to do.
she doesn't believe in counselling. theres no way we could have an open relationship because she gets jealous if someone flirts with me.
as i said i love her and the kids very much, plus we've worked hard all our lives. we have a good house and family and to be honest i dont want to walk away because i think i'm being selfish by not getting what i want.

Merkin

amiselfish wrote: »

she doesn't believe in counselling.

Wooahhhh there :eek: So she doesn't believe in counselling? I'm sorry but that's just totally unacceptable. It seems that all the really very crucial decisions pertaining to your marriage are made by her then? If she cannot or will not have sex because of her upbringing (I am presuming either abuse or something else) then she really needs to fix that. She should really want to fix that. A healthy sex life is the cornerstone of a meaningful and loving adult relationship and by not seeking the help she needs to seek (because she doesn't believe in counselling) then she is depriving both of you of something really very fundamental.

I'm not one for ultimatums but counselling needs to be made a priority.

Neyite

OP, the way I see it is, she cannot have it both ways, not having sex with you, and disinterested in you physically, yet gets very jealous. Marriage (and agreeing to get married, implies an intimate relationship (unless otherwise agreed) will happen. This is what separates it from friendship. At the moment, you are flatmates who made vows that one of you didnt mean. To me, agreeing to get married implies sex as an integral part of that, and if its not working needs to be worked on, like any other part of the relationship.

You sound like a wonderful, patient man, but maybe too patient. I dont know of another man who would have endured this constant rejection, and for so long and remain very much in love. You have said you have talked about this, and that she would do what she could to save the marriage. I think the first thing she could do, and its a small step if she means what she says, is to speak to the GP, and pinpoint the cause of the lack of sex - whether it is vaginismus, being asexual, or psychological. With a name on it, you can begin to address it, or deal with it. Or maybe she wont want to deal with it, but at least you will know.

P. Breathnach

amiselfish wrote: »

... she said she'd what she can to save our marriage ...

But

amiselfish wrote: »

... intimacy/sex was a problem because of her up bringing ... she doesn't believe in counselling....

I think you need to confront her on this. Something in her personal history has become an obstacle to sexual intimacy, yet she doesn't seem willing to address the problem. How is that fulfilling her promise to do what she can to save your marriage?

You love her; she loves you. It must be possible to confront her muddled thinking in the framework of your both wanting the best for your continuing relationship. But, my friend, she needs to move.

desbrook

I'm not going to go on and on about the past OP because frankly I think its pointless . Suffice to say you hoped and hoped something would change in your relationship and it hasn't . So it took 13 years to dawn on you that it was never going to change especially if you did nothing - and now almost certainly never will ? At least you have come partly to the realisation of where you stand . A sexual relationship with this woman won't happen and the decisions lie with you . From all you write she is happy with the status quo . I say partly because judging by the title of your post you are still deluding yourself you are happily married . Sorry but you aren't .
You haven't been selfish imho just cowardly although I accept you meant well by it . For everyone's sake including her and the kids you need to stop all this now and make a decision . You could carry on as you have but I think you know that's just going to make the problem worse, storing it for another day only to explode in an uncontrolled way . You could have an affair or visit prostitutes but the most likely outcome of that would be to make you feel worse , be possibly found out , apart of course from the fact that it's morally wrong .
I accept it will take guts but you just have to end this "relationship " with your wife in an adult/ mature way . You won't be " leaving her " imho as she was never really there . It won't be easy initially but in time you will realise it is the right thing . There is liberty in the truth and especially in being true to yourself and where you want to be .

farmchoice

amiselfish wrote: »

to answer a few replies.
merkin: yes i did tell her how i'm feeling months ago, i was on the verge of leaving her and she said she'd what she can to save our marriage .no we are not intimate.
cant log in: we have talked lots about this. it has bothered me for years.i was recently talking to someone about my ex's and that brought back memories of one particular one who i had a fantastic relationship with and when i think about her it makes me realise what i'm actually missing in life. there are days that it really affects me then i can go for months without thinking about it.
tinkerbell and farmchoice: put it simply you can be perfectly ok ,go to a doctor tell them your sick and 9/10 you will get something for your complaint. they have to take you at face value.
i know neyite said about sticking to the subject but just to clarify something. you dont need to have intercourse to get pregnant.

I can assure you if you had ever been past the door of a fertility clinic let alone had ivf treatment you would appreciate how absolutely ridiculous this statement is.

Now I know a mod mentioned that discussing this is going off topic but I feel it has to be challenged as it is a fundamental part of your story and is clearly false and to be honest insulting to those who have actually struggled with fertility and had to go through the long painful and more often then not unsuccessful treatment that is IVF.

LegacyUser

again to answer the replies.
merkin she comes from a very religious family hence her upbringing.
neyite: you do have a valid point in that alot of it was and is psychological. just the thoughts of me trying to go inside her was enough to make her tense up.
breathnach: i have confronted her and she knows i was on the verge of leaving her over my thread.
desbrook: i have considered an affair or visiting prostitutes alot. and suffice to say i'd jump at the chance to have an affair. all she ever wanted was to have children ,she got that and yes she is very happy with the status quo.
i just want to be with a woman who can love me sexually. i know exactly what i want but i wont post it here.
farmchoice: a mod knows the background of the I.V.F.
to cut a long story short. my wife was never going to get pregnant naturally sex or no sex. if we were having sex i would'nt be posting here.
there are a few things i will never forget in my life. one of those being, my wife waking up after an I.V.F. procedure crying knowing it didn't work. the look on her face will haunt me for the rest of my life.
i'd like to clear something up.
i know the marriage is on the line. while the main issue is about the lack of sex between my wife and i. i also had to mention the children as the out come will affect them for the rest of their lives. so as soon as i mentioned children it brought me to the next stage and that would've been posters questioning me "well if you have children ,you must have had sex". then the next stage was how these were conceived.that is the only reason i mentioned I.V.F.
it's not as simple as walking out on my wife. if we had no children then the decision would be alot easier.

Neyite

farmchoice wrote: »

I can assure you if you had ever been past the door of a fertility clinic let alone had ivf treatment you would appreciate how absolutely ridiculous this statement is.

Now I know a mod mentioned that discussing this is going off topic but I feel it has to be challenged as it is a fundamental part of your story and is clearly false and to be honest insulting to those who have actually struggled with fertility and had to go through the long painful and more often then not unsuccessful treatment that is IVF.

Farmchoice, read the Charter please. You do NOT question a mod's decision on thread, if you have an issue or believe the OP to be giving false information, you report the post, and let the mods deal with it.

You have an answer below, and the OP has confirmed it via PM under his regular username to me and I am satisfied that his information is true.

amiselfish wrote: »

again to answer the replies.
merkin she comes from a very religious family hence her upbringing.
neyite: you do have a valid point in that alot of it was and is psychological. just the thoughts of me trying to go inside her was enough to make her tense up.
breathnach: i have confronted her and she knows i was on the verge of leaving her over my thread.
desbrook: i have considered an affair or visiting prostitutes alot. and suffice to say i'd jump at the chance to have an affair. all she ever wanted was to have children ,she got that and yes she is very happy with the status quo.
i just want to be with a woman who can love me sexually. i know exactly what i want but i wont post it here.
farmchoice: a mod knows the background of the I.V.F.
to cut a long story short. my wife was never going to get pregnant naturally sex or no sex. if we were having sex i would'nt be posting here.
there are a few things i will never forget in my life. one of those being, my wife waking up after an I.V.F. procedure crying knowing it didn't work. the look on her face will haunt me for the rest of my life.
i'd like to clear something up.
i know the marriage is on the line. while the main issue is about the lack of sex between my wife and i. i also had to mention the children as the out come will affect them for the rest of their lives. so as soon as i mentioned children it brought me to the next stage and that would've been posters questioning me "well if you have children ,you must have had sex". then the next stage was how these were conceived.that is the only reason i mentioned I.V.F.
it's not as simple as walking out on my wife. if we had no children then the decision would be alot easier.

farmchoice

amiselfish wrote: »

again to answer the replies.
merkin she comes from a very religious family hence her upbringing.
neyite: you do have a valid point in that alot of it was and is psychological. just the thoughts of me trying to go inside her was enough to make her tense up.
breathnach: i have confronted her and she knows i was on the verge of leaving her over my thread.
desbrook: i have considered an affair or visiting prostitutes alot. and suffice to say i'd jump at the chance to have an affair. all she ever wanted was to have children ,she got that and yes she is very happy with the status quo.
i just want to be with a woman who can love me sexually. i know exactly what i want but i wont post it here.
farmchoice: a mod knows the background of the I.V.F.
to cut a long story short. my wife was never going to get pregnant naturally sex or no sex. if we were having sex i would'nt be posting here.
there are a few things i will never forget in my life. one of those being, my wife waking up after an I.V.F. procedure crying knowing it didn't work. the look on her face will haunt me for the rest of my life.
i'd like to clear something up.
i know the marriage is on the line. while the main issue is about the lack of sex between my wife and i. i also had to mention the children as the out come will affect them for the rest of their lives. so as soon as i mentioned children it brought me to the next stage and that would've been posters questioning me "well if you have children ,you must have had sex". then the next stage was how these were conceived.that is the only reason i mentioned I.V.F.
it's not as simple as walking out on my wife. if we had no children then the decision would be alot easier.

i'm sorry but I cannot let this go, as again you clearly demonstrate you never had ivf, at no point during an ivf cycle would you wake to discover it had not worked. After a cycle of IVf you go home and wait to do a pregnancy test 2 weeks later.

Ignored Mod Instruction = Yellow Card

shalalala

OP. I don't know how you have put up with it. I would be of the opinion that you have to go to counselling and work on your relationship physically together. If she doesn't respect you enough to talk about your issues then I think that your relationship is over. She obviously doesn't care enough.

What she is doing is not having a relationship, relationships are about compromise. What she is doing is pure selfish, she is getting everything she wants and is not willing to work on what you need.

I don't think an affair or prostitutes is the answer. I think that you will have to leave her and look for a relationship that everyone deserves.

Merkin

If her aversion to sex has stopped her from having a normal sex life then her issue is a deeply psychological one. She absolutely has to have psychosexual therapy/counselling for this.

It essentially boils down to whether she loves you and if she wants to save your marriage. If she wants that badly enough then she needs to get over her "not believing" in counselling sharpish. She is a prime candidate for counselling and evidently desperately in need of it.

And while staying together for your children is admirable, YOU are still your own person, an individual who deserves to have their wants and needs met. You don't lay your entire happiness on the line for your children, you still owe it to yourself to live a happy and fulfilled life. The fact that this woman has blankly refuses counselling is just selfish in the extreme to be honest. I really don't know how you've put up with it.

LegacyUser

OP, when I was pregnant, my husband and I didnt have sex once I started to show a bump- I suppose we were worried about hurting the baby or something. Then I had an emergency C-section, so even though I didnt have any vaginal birth which in theory shouldnt have affected our sex life afterwards, it was still very sore and I avoided it for months and months. I knew partly that it was because I was tensing up that it hurt more, and also if you havent had sex in a while, it can hurt too (especially if its a lot of thrusting)

A friend recommended that I use lots of lube, but also to mix vaseline in with it (note: that can affect condoms, but if you are not using condoms you are ok) and use it very very liberally the first few times. I made sure my husband understood that it was not going to be a long session the first few times either, and we took our time on foreplay. It worked.

Now I'd say that your wife would need to get to that point first - which is where counselling comes in.

kylith

You say that she says she'll do what's necessary to save your marriage, except that she doesn't believe in counselling, so that means that she won't do what's necessary.

There are many things which could impact her attitude to sex; she may be asexual, she may have been abused in the past, she may just have been brainwashed into thinking it's 'bad' when she was younger and now she can't even think of it. However, none of these issues can be dealt with without counselling. For me, a refusal to go to counselling, whether by herself or with you, would be a dealbreaker.

P. Breathnach

amiselfish wrote: »

...
breathnach: i have confronted her and she knows i was on the verge of leaving her over my thread....

Did you confront her about the absence of sex, or about her unwillingness to participate in counselling?

I could imagine that telling her that you want a sexual relationship would meet with strong resistance if, as it seems to me, she is psychologically impaired.

It might be easier (well, slightly less difficult) to tackle her about giving counselling a chance.

Big Bag of Chips

Your title says 'happily married....'. You are not happily married. You are deeply unhappy in your marriage. You are on the verge of leaving your wife, and have admitted you are only staying with her for the sake of the kids.

You mention that she has said she will do anything to save the marriage... Except have sex, or go to counselling.

I don't mean to be crude OP, but from an outsiders perspective this woman neither loves you nor respects you. You are a glorified sperm donor, and used as a facade so she can be seen to be 'happily married' (she even has you convinced you are 'happily married').

I'm uncertain as to what advice you are looking for here. Your wife needs to go to counselling, that is the advice you are being given, and that is what you know yourself, without any advice from posters here.

But none of that helps in the slightest if your wife refuses.

She wants the illusion. She wants people to believe she has a traditional family. She wants you to believe she will 'do anything to save the marriage'. It's all lies. The only thing she wants to save is face in front of family & neighbours. If you leave.. all that crumbles.

For now she is stalling, she's fobbed you off for 13 years. She can do it for another 13/20/40?

You are the only one who can change your situation. She certainly won't.

Edit: I'm just wondering about your kids. How old they are. If they are likely to be affected by her issues surrounding sex. Have they reached puberty yet? Have you had 'the talk'? Has it been explained to them that sexual feelings and urges, masturbation etc are all completely normal, and they are not 'weird' for feeling these changes in their bodies.

If your wife doesn't try to sort out her issues there is more at stake than just your marriage.. is the cycle likely to continue with your own children?

LegacyUser

I can't understand how you have put up with this for so long.
What you have is not a marriage but an agreement which suites your wife.
If her family are very reglious she could have been bought up with sex is for marriage and to have children. Her family could be against ivf for reglious reasons also.
After a sexless marriage for 13 years I would tell you wife that unless she goes to counselling about this and starts to have sex with you that you will do the following.

You will tell her mother and family that you are ending your marriage because your wife has never had sex with you. I would also tell her mother that the children were born via ivf.
I would also tell your wife and her family that you will be seeking a church anulment which you could get from what you have told us.

You so called wife needs to realise that unless she goes to counselling and starts to have sex your sham of a marriage is over.
Also if you have children what is she telling them about growing up - if you have a girl you wife will be telling her not to have sex until she is married or you only have sex when you want to get pregnant.

LegacyUser

i am glad to see posters are starting to understand whats really going in especially the last 6-7 posts.
again to answer a few queries.
yes i have confronted her, told her that the marriage was failing because of what was missing. she agreed to change.she begged me to come back but after a couple of times trying the excuses came back. tired, pains etc. in the early years i was trying but i just gave up and was resigned to the fact it might not happen. when she was younger she wasn't allowed near any boys. as i said her parents are very religious so i suppose you could say she was sheltered all her life. she often told me that talking about sex and teaching girls certain things (puberty etc) was as sinful as it gets in her family. to this day no one in her family knows the children were born via I.V.F. as she would be dis-owned. we have spoken about our up bringings and the one thing she will not do is raise our kids the way she was raised.

Three Seasons

OP, at this stage it should be very simple, you tell her that unless she agrees to work on the sexual side of the "relationship" you will end it and find someone else to fulfill your needs.

Merkin

amiselfish wrote: »

we have spoken about our up bringings and the one thing she will not do is raise our kids the way she was raised.

She is paying lip service and I wouldn't believe a single word of that. Her attitude to sex is warped, toxic, unhealthy and wholly damaging so the fact she says she won't pass this on to your children and yet it guilty of it herself at the most fundamental level is bullsh1t.

How on earth is she going to tell a pubescent daughter about the joys of adult lovemaking in a healthy relationship when she's entirely guilty of depriving you of just that? Surely she wouldn't be that hypocritical.

I think you should show her this thread. The fact you've gone "public" about it, even under the protection of anonymity, might give her the long-needed wake up call that's due.

ManOfMystery

Whilst I kinda agree with other posters that your wife is telling you what you want to hear and not necessarily the truth, part of me wonders exactly why she has this deep entrenched phobia of sex. Obviously her upbringing will have been a major influence, but I know a lot of people who had very religious/strict upbringings and still went on to have relatively 'normal' (for lack of a better word ) adult lives - sex, kids, marriage, the whole deal. Or even if they went on to never really enjoy sex to its full potential, they still tried it. The fact that she has never, ever had sex with her husband and resorted to IVF for having children is such an extreme reaction to the act ................... it's mind boggling.

I presume that because she is so averse to the act, she has never had sex with anyone before you either, so is still a virgin to all intents and purposes?

I ask that only because Merkin brought up a very good point. Your wife tells you that your children won't have the same kind of upbringing as her, but how on earth is she ever going to educate them about sex if she's essentially still a virgin herself? Can you see the ridiculous situation that has evolved here - these children have a mother who's never slept with anyone. Can you imagine the panic that goes through her heard in a few years when her 16yr old daughter turns to her in confidence to ask about sleeping with a boyfriend?

Do you think she had some kind of bad experience regarding sex and hasn't shared this with you?

Big Bag of Chips

amiselfish wrote: »

we have spoken about our up bringings and the one thing she will not do is raise our kids the way she was raised.

?
The same way as 'she will do what it takes to save the marriage'?

I wouldn't count on it.

OP, what are you hoping to get out of this thread? Is it just a rant and somewhere to vent your frustration? Because being honest, offering you advice will do nothing to change your wife. She's the problem.. she's the one that should be looking for help & advice.

And don't be fooled by her 'jealousy' if someone flirts with you. She's not jealous. She's terrified you will realise what a messed up situation you have gotten yourself into and will leave her for someone who can give you what she doesn't. (I don't just mean sex, I mean love, companionship, respect and sex).

Intimacy is what makes a friendship into a relationship. What you have with your wife is a friendship. And even at that it appears to be a very strained friendship.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I too have been in a situation like your. My ex (going through a separation) had exactly the same issues as your wife so I know what your going through.
Its the total lack of intimacy, touching, kissing that should come natural in a "healthy" relationship and it plays on your mind...are YOU the problem in the relationship?, are you pushing her to hard? for the need to have that basic instinct of showing your wife/husband the emotions and just met with the coldness of it all. In my situation she too had a sexual hang up from issues that arouse from her childhood/adulthood yet never dealt with them, and she was offered counselling on numerous occasions yet "just didn't go because"...then "I don't want to talk about it" at the time I should have seen these as major red flags but I loved here and taught it might just get better....it didn't. I knew she was never going to receive help for herself yet she taught she was going to get better but slowly she just burnt out and destroyed our family (another story).
You have to draw the line somewhere and make a move on what direction you want your life to go.
Pen and paper time...Pros and Cons regarding why you should stay in your relationship and I use the word relationship very loosely as it takes 2 to have a relationship.
I chose to breakup because it was doing me damage as well, Due to the financial crises
that is upon us at the moment we are both living under the same roof just not as man and wife and I know now it was the best decision I've made its not perfect but I'm getting there with some good counselling for myself. In time I will either buy her out of the home or eventually move out and get somewhere and restart my life.
Life is about being happy, yet someone else is controlling your happiness and you need to take control of your own life.
I really wish you all the best, and hope it works out for you what ever you do.

CuppaCocoa

OP have you considered the fact that your wife may be gay but hasn't/can't admit it to herself?

December2012

I just wonder how giving of herself she is to you all if she is not willing to work on this problem.

I get that it's a big problem for her, but her rigidity in refusing to seek professional help or to understand your perspective via a counsellor would suggest to me that she needs to learn the skill of empathy for the sake of you, her and your children.

LegacyUser

lilybarlean wrote: »

OP have you considered the fact that your wife may be gay but hasn't/can't admit it to herself?

If that were the case wouldn't she be more likely to have sex with a man to prove if only to herself otherwise? I've known a few gay people who couldn't accept themselves and started relationships and even married and had children and known would refuse to have sex with their partner due to their denial of their own sexuality.


I honestly only see two options here OP, stay or leave. I think she's bullied you into having her way for so long that she sees no reason to change anything, why would she, she has everything she wants. I would suggest a separation, honestly how different would it be to what you have now? The only major difference is one of you sleeps in a different house. Make sure you have access to your children, keep calm and friendly towards her but make her understand your marriage is over - you are parents and friends not husband and wife. She will either just continue on as she has been or she will take the wake up call and finally seek help because at the end of the day she is the one who needs to make that step.

afterglow

Hi there OP

hope the mods will allow me say what I'm going to here...
It is only because of a point Neyite brought up that I have the courage to post what I am...
Myself and my partner have gone through vaginismus. It took me ages to deal with it, due to not being able to afford private therapy, but I went to a hospital, and was seen by some absolutely wonderful, kind, caring doctors, and eventually, in my humble opinion, the most amazing, psychosexual therapist in this country! I absolutely wanted to deal with it, so this sounds like the difference between me and your wife, but if your wife does have vaginismus then I can understand why she wouldn't want sex as the pain is unbearable....................!!!!!!!!!!
If she is not willing to deal with her problems OP, then unfortunately I would tend to agree with other posters, but please do know that there are amazing therapists and doctors out there that can, and will help. I was nervous myself before starting therapy and going to the doctors, but they looked after me excellently and were simply superb!!!!!
I really do feel for you having not had intimacy in so many years, but just wanted to offer a different perspective on things from the side of someone who has gone through a sexual disfunction and come out the other side. It is possible!
hope what I've said has helped and i really do wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

LegacyUser

Notbeenselfish wrote: »

Its the total lack of intimacy, touching, kissing that should come natural in a "healthy" relationship and it plays on your mind...are YOU the problem in the relationship?, are you pushing her to hard? for the need to have that basic instinct of showing your wife/husband the emotions and just met with the coldness of it all.

i came from a family where my mother was abused for along time. some of which i saw but most of which we never saw. i swore blind that i would never treat any woman the same way my mother was treated. when my i met my wife i told her we could do things if and when she was ready. i would not pressure/ push her into anything she didn't want to do and to this day i stand by this.
we have tried a few times after me threatening to walk out and her saying we could do things, the conversation even went as far her my wife wanting me to show her what do do as manofmystery put it shes never been with any other man before me. as soon as i would try she would start crying/clam up then i'd stop. this was and up to recently the same occurrence . hence i gave up altogether. i know this is an open thread but to give you the jist, she doesn't know how to hold a "tinky". it's just her lack of understanding/knowledge. so there is no intimacy either as people would call it
as she says she loves me and worries about me all the time. e.g. i had to go out last night but got delayed coming back, didn't bring phone or anything like that. when i came in she was crying thinking something had happened to me. she was on the verge of calling one of my friends to go looking for me.
her idea of intimacy is cuddling up nothing more. as i said before she made a comment years ago " she doesn't love me sexually". a few times since that she has said she didn't mean it.
i suggested counselling years ago, she said there was nothing wrong and as far as shes concerned she has to learn to relax.

Boombastic

amiselfish wrote: »

...................... i know this is an open thread but to give you the jist, she doesn't know how to hold a "tinky". it's just her lack of understanding/knowledge. so there is no intimacy either as people would call it.........

It's more than her lack of knowledge/understanding, or else progress would have been made in the 13 years

amiselfish wrote: »

as she says she loves me and worries about me all the time. e.g. i had to go out last night but got delayed coming back, didn't bring phone or anything like that. when i came in she was crying thinking something had happened to me. she was on the verge of calling one of my friends to go looking for me.

Loves you like a friend or perhaps worries her security would disappear

amiselfish wrote: »

..............
i suggested counselling years ago, she said there was nothing wrong and as far as shes concerned she has to learn to relax.

She hasn't learned that in 13 years?


Either counselling and addressing the problem head on or leaving are your options if you want change

Sorry if I come across as a little harsh

LegacyUser

amiselfish,

Look man, sorry about your situation, it's terrible. From what I have read you are never going to have any sort of sexual satisfaction in the future if you stay.with this woman.

Man up, stop making excuses for her.

Stop making excuses for yourself.

She is not interested.

Leave her and find the wife you deserve. There are plenty women out in the world who will make you very happy as you deserve.

Your wife is damaged goods and there is little anyone can do for her unless she helps herself. Possibly you leaving her might be the kick she needs and hopefully might work out best for both of you?

Best wishes.