Two questions.........

tomsdunstall

Hello all you happy readers,

Well firstly, my question is: What is sexual attraction exactly?

I mean, I'm with my g/f several months now(2.5). I like to kiss, touch...all over...love it, cuddle (I want to do this all the time really) and I would really like to have sex with her. (I'm not a raging bull by any means...but I would like to have sex with her). Now, when she takes her clothes off and is completely naked, I don't get aroused or anything like that (arousal being a problem in the bedroom) (Maybe we could have sex with most of our clothes on..lol). I mean, she is beautiful but her body does nothing for me...now in saying that, she has a really beautiful face, gorgeous eyes and lips.

Secondly, do you believe sexual attraction can grow?

I really love my g/f and I cannot imagine her with anyone else. I want to be with her for the rest of my life if possible. However, things are not that good in the bedroom department(as said)...which is probably being caused by my fixation by her bodily appearance. Ye think? Do you think that maybe, over time, (say we are a long time together) that our sexual chemistry can grow?
...I hope so.

...or, do you think there is something more to what is going on?

Thanks

TD

Call Me Jimmy

Well from your perspective, what are we talkin about here? Is she overweight, or have anything particularly out of the ordinary going on? (I can't imagine what). Is it possible you are actually anxious or insecure about sex? Have you much experience?

Sorry, lots of questions but it's hard to tell from what you've said.

LegacyUser

Similar thing happened to me around last year. Was seeing a nice girl, pretty face and we took it slow. Once things began to get heavy in the bedroom, I just didnt fancy her naked at all. Like yourself I enjoyed the other stuff - kissing, cuddling and all that but it just wasnt there when it came to the nitty gritty. Stayed with her for a while but I didnt get the feeling that she truly wanted to make changes, even though she talked about doing so and not being content with the way she was. She wasnt overly big but pretty out of shape, poor diet and neglecting the body....i'd seen people 20 yrs older in better shape. In the end I began to see her more as a friend as the attraction just dwindled and ended things. I also found there to be some compatibility issues there so best not to prolong it.

I remember feeling bad at the time as weight is something that can be changed but life's too short, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. And it works both ways, women cut men off for all sorts of reasons.

Merkin

tomsdunstall wrote: »

I really love my g/f and I cannot imagine her with anyone else. I want to be with her for the rest of my life if possible. However, things are not that good in the bedroom department

However well intentioned, the above is an incredibly naive statement to make. Unless you have made a bilateral decision that good sex is not a priority, then even contemplating a monogamous long-term relationship with someone you don't have a sex life with is bizarre. The most enduring relationships are made up of mutual love and respect but also animal passion as well, good sex and mutual attraction makes a massive difference and differentiates the relationship from a platonic one.

It is not a good sign if you are turned off by the sight of your partner naked. Has this happened with previous partners? You say sexual performance has been an issue? Do you think you might be fixating on her body and its less than attractive parts by way of an explanation? Or, are there genuinely parts of her that you just find wholly repulsive? Also, how experienced are you? If you've been solely relying on porn for kicks for example, someone with a Mary Hinge or a bit of cellulite or a little pot belly may have been a source of shock to you if you're simply not used to seeing women outside the realms of porn.

Fundamentally, at 2.5 months you should really be dying to get her naked at every opportunity. People might say sex isn't important but it is, it's absolutely crucial and you're right to be concerned. So it all boils down to whether it's an issue of a. performance due to physical or psychological factors or b. you're simply not attracted to her in the way you think/would like.

tbh

two answers.

If you're with the girl 2.5 months (i.e. 10 weeks) and you're saying you want to be with her forever, I'd be taking that with a pinch of salt so big you could grit the roads of Donegal with it. Just to throw that out there first.

Secondly, if you don't fancy her after 2.5 months, you're never going to fancy her. 2.5 years, maybe, but 2.5 months - no. The "chemistry" won't grow if it's not there to begin with. You may learn to live with that, but that's a different story.

sorry.

Lorna123

You are expecting too much from the naked body. You are probably used to seeing photos of perfect women and relating sex to perfect bodies. I am not one bit turned on by men in the naked state, but it doesn't stop me from fancying the inner man. I have sex with a person, not a body. I feel if you concentrate on the person it might work out better for you.

LegacyUser

tomsdunstall wrote: »

Hello all you happy readers,

Well firstly, my question is: What is sexual attraction exactly?

I mean, I'm with my g/f several months now(2.5). I like to kiss, touch...all over...love it, cuddle (I want to do this all the time really) and I would really like to have sex with her. (I'm not a raging bull by any means...but I would like to have sex with her). Now, when she takes her clothes off and is completely naked, I don't get aroused or anything like that (arousal being a problem in the bedroom) (Maybe we could have sex with most of our clothes on..lol). I mean, she is beautiful but her body does nothing for me...now in saying that, she has a really beautiful face, gorgeous eyes and lips.

Secondly, do you believe sexual attraction can grow?

I really love my g/f and I cannot imagine her with anyone else. I want to be with her for the rest of my life if possible. However, things are not that good in the bedroom department(as said)...which is probably being caused by my fixation by her bodily appearance. Ye think? Do you think that maybe, over time, (say we are a long time together) that our sexual chemistry can grow?
...I hope so.

...or, do you think there is something more to what is going on?

Thanks

TD

I would strongly suggest there is more to this than a supposed lack of attraction.

You seem to have the sort of warped view of the relationship (you have only been together 2.5 months you hardly know her, never mind spending eternity together) that would suggest you are very inexperienced. Have you ever had sex before (you dont seem to refer to a past successful sexual relationship)? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about sex, past poor performances (or imagining failure) or watching porn? How is your self esteem and confidence? These are the things are good indicators of whether you will suffer from performance anxiety.

Lets face it, a lot of guys go out on a Saturday and go after any woman willing to sleep with them, they can have sex with no physical attraction. And if you like this girl as much as you say you do then appearance should not be the issue, unless her body is absolutely repulsive for some reason.

If you like her so much keep trying and at least give the idea of performance anxiety a chance. Try to take the pressure off yourself and work on your confidence in the bedroom, this relationship could prove vital for overcoming this barrier if you give it the chance.

*NB* If you really want to break up with her over this, do not say you find her too physically unattractive to sleep with!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dellnum

We all look better with our clothes on, even you !

Taltos

Dellnum - welcome to PI/RI.
If you have no constructive advice to offer please don't post. This is a strictly moderated forum and posts that breach our charter or are viewed as unhelpful can result in moderator action being required.

Thanks
Taltos

Three Seasons

It's simple OP, you need to break up with her a find a woman who you are sexually attracted to.

Emme

There was another thread recently on a similar topic. I wonder if the guys concerned are being true to themselves and what they really want. Women's bodies come in different shapes and sizes just as men's do. Women's bodies change with pregnancy and as we get older we have less time for ourselves because of family, work etc. This might mean we can't train to the extent we did before. If these guys are fixated on a woman being a specific shape and aren't going to allow for minor changes in size at a later stage perhaps they aren't ready for a serious relationship. Or maybe they're trying to be something they're not.

I have gay friends who care for me and I care for them but I would never dream of sleeping with them! One tried to date women when he was younger because he didn't want to admit to himself he was gay. Everything was fine until they got to the bedroom and things didn't work, so to speak. I'm not saying that all men who don't find certain women's bodies attractive are gay, but it may be the case they are more attracted to men than women without realising this.

I despair for certain women reading these threads, especially those of us who aren't a size 8 and perfectly toned. Those of us who don't have time to spend an hour a day in the gym honing ourselves into the perfect shape for men who deep down don't really like women.