Grandmother favouring one grandchild

flahers

I have a twenty six year old son and twenty three year old daughter both of which are great kids and have never caused an ounce of trouble, luckily for us they are both working in good jobs and happy. My son comes home once a month and collects my elderly mother to come to our house for dinner. yesterday when he was going back she gave him fifty euro and gave my daughter nothing. This has happened before and my daughter was very upset (not about the money) but the fact that granny appears to favour my son. She only has two grandchildren as I am an only child. When I went to say goodnight to her later I could see she was crying and this in turn has upset me greatly. My husband spoke to granny about it when he dropped her home but she had some strange answer. She was always a very difficult, awkward person and has no interest in others unless they were doing something for her. My husband is run to the ground with her phoning him every other day with jobs and he is doing long shifts in his own work. No matter what we say she doesn't listen and continues on like nothing was said. My best friend had a serious operation lately and when I told her she said 'I dont want to hear about her' and has never enquired about her since. No matter what I do she has no interest and I cant talk to her anymore. Growing up was difficult. She called me names and lost her temper over the slightest thing and never wanted people in the house. My late dad was a lovely kind man who did everything she wanted. Talking to her is pointless as she goes silent and continues on just as before. friends have said to keep away but we cant do that as somebody has to look out for her and no matter what she is my mother.

AvaKinder

It appears from your post that your son lives away from home while your daughter is still at home? And he is the one who collects her to bring her to the house?

Perhaps she gives him money to thank him for the lift, or because she thinks he needs it more since he's out of the home?

Paddy Cow

I don't want to upset you further op but why would your daughter want the affection/validation of someone so difficult? I could understand if your kids were 6 and 3 but they're adults now and surely your daughter can see how flawed her grandmother is? Has she always favoured your son or is it a recent thing?

username123

Is the money to compensate for the lift maybe?

Id advise the grand daughter to be as nice to granny as granny is to her

I'd have to agree with the other replies:

-When the two grandchildren are in their 20s, it's no longer necessary to constantly treat them exactly the same. I think it would be expected at that age that they would understand.
-When the grandson is giving lifts to the grandmother, he's helping her and showing her kindness. I don't see why the grandmother can't thank him/show him appreciation without doing the same for the granddaughter when she hasn't done the same as him.
-There's been (as far as you've described) no actual negative treatment of your daughter, only a disequilibrium between the positive treatment your mother gives her and her brother.

To be honest, your daughter's reaction to this seems odd, and if I were you I'd just leave it and let her get over it. I'd suggest that maybe if you've received negative treatment/been upset by your mother frequently, maybe you're viewing your daughter's upset in a slightly biased way? Because from what you've described here I don't think your mother's done anything horrible.

judgefudge

That's so similar to a situation I was in I'm actually suspicious you're my mam

I was the 23 year old daughter and my brother was the golden child. Again, only child parent so it was just the two of us. And all my grandmothers mannerisms are very similar to what you describe. Just a generally awkward and unpleasant person (to put it bluntly). Yet can have their good times too?

To be honest your daughter maybe needs to suck it up a little and get on with it. I used to find it difficult when I was a child never getting attention from my gran, but I matured enough by my teenage years to realise what was the root cause (my grandmother just always loved men more than women). Your daughter is 23... She shouldn't be crying over this, unless it's a recent thing?

What do you think the reason is for her favouring your son?

will.i.am

I think the fact that you son collected her for dinner and for the fact she doesn't see him that often might have caused her to give him the money.
Also, my Nan used always give my brother who was in his twenties and working with a good job money to take a girl out for dinner, maybe she's thinks like this.

LittleBook

While your mother does sound like a bit of a cow, it would make perfect sense to me that she's giving your son money because he's not living at home and picks her up for dinner.

Honestly, I'd be more concerned about a grown woman of 23 crying because her brother got something that she didn't and it sounds like you're indulging her. YOU seem to have some issues with your mother and you're allowing your daughter to get sucked into your owh problems and maybe even encouraging her to do so.

Tell your daughter to let it go and deal with your own mother separately.

Lux23

My granny did things like this, for instance if I went up to her house to bring out the bins I would get 20 pence. If one of the boys did it they would get a pound. There was no reason for it other than that she always favoured boys, girls were just useless mouths to feed to her. Despite the fact that her daughters took very good care of her throughout her life.

My only advice is to maybe ask your son to refuse the money next or maybe say thanks il make sure my sister gets her half?

Neyite

OP, maybe she was giving him a few quid towards petrol for all the times he picked her up?

It's what I would do if someone was giving me regular lifts, and I'd see it as a private transaction that I dont have to explain to anyone.

Does your daughter help her grandmother out like your son does?

Boombastic

Lux23 wrote: »

.............
My only advice is to maybe ask your son to refuse the money next or maybe say thanks il make sure my sister gets her half?

If they were still children maybe, but these 'children' are grown adults.


Op your son is 26 and your mother is older. Their financial transactions are really none of your concern. I think you need to speak to your daughter, why is she so jealous to the point it's making her cry?

judgefudge

I think people are being slightly unfair on the daughter. She's upset about her grandmother clearly favouring the son. It might be the case that she doesn't yet understand how your mother just cares about people who will help her out, as you say in the OP.

As I said I went through something similar. It wasn't until I grew up and my parent explained to me not to take it personally and why it was happening, that I got past it.

It's crap when a grandparent clearly favours your sibling, especially when it's just the two of you. I doubt it was about the money for the daughter, more the fact that she was overlooked. But she does need to stop taking it personally. It sounds like your mother is just extremely difficult in general.

Boombastic

judgefudge wrote: »

...............

As I said I went through something similar. It wasn't until I grew up and my parent explained to me not to take it personally and why it was happening, that I got past it................

Can I just ask at what age that was? it's seems a little off to me that a 23 year old would be so upset about this, I get the feeling that there might be other stuff stressing the daughter out?

judgefudge

Boombastic wrote: »

Can I just ask at what age that was? it's seems a little off to me that a 23 year old would be so upset about this, I get the feeling that there might be other stuff stressing the daughter out?

I suppose late teens maybe. Like I said she needs to understand that she needs to stop taking it personally. But I can also understand why it would upset her. Especially if she has any sort of self esteem issues or anything.

Even up until she died i would visit my grandmother and the first thing she would do is ask how my brother was doing. No interest in my life. Which really does suck, but I guess you grow accustomed.

The tears would make me wonder if this favouritism is a recent development because the son is helping her out now.

AnonoBoy

Sounds like she comes from that old-school Irish view that women aren't as important as men.

You say she was difficult growing up and that well could be because you were the girl and she held this view.

Now with the grandson she is able to focus attention on what she sees as the golden child and your daughter is receiving the same treatment as you did.

It's very hard to change ingrained views like this and you might have trouble doing it.

Perhaps the best thing to do would be to sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart with her about it all. Explain to her that it's not her at all, that it's her grandmother who is the problem. Maybe share some of your experiences as a child with her so she can see that it's really something that isn't confined to her.

Lux23

Boombastic wrote: »

If they were still children maybe, but these 'children' are grown adults.


Op your son is 26 and your mother is older. Their financial transactions are really none of your concern. I think you need to speak to your daughter, why is she so jealous to the point it's making her cry?

They may be grown adults, but it doesn't mean this wouldn't upset them.

flahers

Thanks for all replies. This favourtism has been evident since they were small children, she would give my son a packet of pastilles and my daughter half a packet. Luckily then she was too young to notice and did not notice what was going on until she was late teens really. My son picks her up once in a blue moon when he's home for the week-end. When my son finished college she gave him half of the cost of his car, my daughter buys her own. I find it hard to understand how somebody could treat her only two grandchildren, especially from the same family, so differently. As I said growing up was very difficult for me. I had a wonderful dad but my mother was emotionally cold and unavailable and I have some very unhappy memories of her treatment towards me. She still has no interest in my life and it's almost like a jealousy thing. It's very sad to be an only child with a mother that has locked you out all your life but iv'e come to accept it but dont want my daughter to experience the same treatment. Yes she comes from very old stock and I cant change her but it's almost like she is punishing my daughter, why I dont know. I spoke to son by phone last night and he too thinks it's wrong but didn't realise daughter being left out.

username123

I have to ask, if the relationship is that difficult - why do you bother with her?

If she still has no interest in your life? Sounds like you are just suffering for no reason, tell her to bugger off altogether and if your kids want to maintain relations they are old enough to sort it out themselves. Youre not doing yourself or your family any favours by letting a bitter old woman treat you and your daughter badly at her whim.

judgefudge

username123 wrote: »

I have to ask, if the relationship is that difficult - why do you bother with her?

If she still has no interest in your life? Sounds like you are just suffering for no reason, tell her to bugger off altogether and if your kids want to maintain relations they are old enough to sort it out themselves. Youre not doing yourself or your family any favours by letting a bitter old woman treat you and your daughter badly at her whim.

That's easily said but in the long run she may just end up feeling worse about it. I wouldn't advocate cutting family out of your life if at all possible but of course it is an option.

username123

judgefudge wrote: »

That's easily said but in the long run she may just end up feeling worse about it. I wouldn't advocate cutting family out of your life if at all possible but of course it is an option.

I would and have done. Its tremendously liberating not to have to put up with some dysfunctional idiots BS just because you happen to share DNA. You wouldnt accept that kind of treatment from someone you werent related to, so why accept it from someone you are related to? Being family doesnt give a person a licence to mete out nasty dysfunctional treatment without consequence. I dont buy the whole "blood thicker than water" rubbish, sometimes its better to put a toxic person out of your life and move on.

Its not just OP being affected here - her adult daughter is crying over how her grandmother treats her.

judgefudge

username123 wrote: »

I dont buy the whole "blood thicker than water" rubbish, sometimes its better to put a toxic person out of your life and move on.

Yes but what I'm trying to say is that the guilt the OP may feel in the long run may not be worth any peace of mind she would get from cutting this person out of their life.

username123

judgefudge wrote: »

Yes but what I'm trying to say is that the guilt the OP may feel in the long run may not be worth any peace of mind she would get from cutting this person out of their life.

At the moment there are loads of negative emotions, anger, stress, frustration, bad memories from childhood, upset, hurt etc...

Cutting the person who is causing all of the above out will cause some guilt, meh, not much to be honest, and having gone through it - the relief of not suffering all of the above anymore more than makes up for the odd twinge of guilt.

Perhaps the OP should take more of a middle road - stop being so available, when she keeps ringing the OPs husband for little jobs, dont answer, dont do them - suit yourselves and stop pandering to her.