Brother breaking contact

Mrs Garth Brooks

I have a brother who left for Australia last year and he has made very little effort to keep in contact. Not just with me but with our mother.

Just the past couple of weeks, my mother has found out that he can ring other people, our grandmother, our dad (they're separated, doesn't live with us), and even our neighbours. The last time he rang my mother was christmas day. Before that he was making excuses not to give his address. The neighbour had his address before my mother did.

My mother sent him a birthday card a few weeks ago, and he never even thanked her.

I dont know why he doesnt keep in contact. My mother has always smothered him. Its not really her fault, she's always been like that. And I dont know if thats the reason he's not keeping in contact. And even if is he's free from that now.

Not even a phone call on mother's day.

Do I say something to him? Send him a message and say what?

illicit007

Sorry couldn't help myself. I've no idea and I don't think anyone else does either. Maybe you should contact him and ask him why?

R.D. aka MR.D

You say in your post that she has always smothered him. Maybe he is glad to be finally free of her?

it might sound bad but if her actions in the past have upset him then maybe he doesn't want to keep in contact with her. And honestly, as an adult that is his choice to make.

The Big Red Button

From my perspective, I don't see that he's done anything wrong.

Send him a nice chatty e-mail. If he replies, grand, if not, maybe he's enjoying a bit of space - leave it at that.

Focus on your own life. Not his.

DeltaWhite

Hi OP

I'm going through the same thing, and seeing as I have made all the contact effort for the past 2 years, I would offer you the following advice:

Leave him to it! Let him make the effort, otherwise you will get fed up and annoyed. You should mention it to him when he does eventually get in touch.

LegacyUser

Not that's it's much consolation, or he would have noticed, but yesterday was not Mothers' Day in Australia.

IrishEyes19

Is there more to the story, OP, or was there conflict between them. Because I can see what smothering means, but its a bit extreme not to have contacted since christmas day.

I dont agree with other posters here. I think its horrible for a son or daughter to treat a parent like that. Of course there are exceptions if there was abuse involved ect. But this is so strange. I've lived away from home for a good few years and far away and I never let more than two days go by that I wouldnt call home or skype ect. Because Mothers worry, its a natural feeling and I respect that, miss them and look forward to hearing news. I think people are quick to hop on the bandwagon saying he's an adult, its his choice ect. Yes, it is. But it's a pretty mean one. I would speak to him and find out the truth. I dont know as I said the back story but I dont see what harm a text, phone call or chat would do from him.

maryk123

I totally agree with Irish eyes. However, if you don't like the answer when you do ask him that could make you more upset.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Is there more to the story, OP, or was there conflict between them. Because I can see what smothering means, but its a bit extreme not to have contacted since christmas day.

I dont agree with other posters here. I think its horrible for a son or daughter to treat a parent like that. Of course there are exceptions if there was abuse involved ect. But this is so strange. I've lived away from home for a good few years and far away and I never let more than two days go by that I wouldnt call home or skype ect. Because Mothers worry, its a natural feeling and I respect that, miss them and look forward to hearing news. I think people are quick to hop on the bandwagon saying he's an adult, its his choice ect. Yes, it is. But it's a pretty mean one. I would speak to him and find out the truth. I dont know as I said the back story but I dont see what harm a text, phone call or chat would do from him.

I am sorry but without knowing the circumstances it is nonsense to call this a mean act.

I had to do the same as this womans brother, and I put most of the credit to how I turned my life around to simply removing the triggers of my unhappiness.

I was incredibly depressed and was like that for a very long time, so long that people thought it was simply my character. People thought I was quiet, conservative, shy etc. but what had happened was an outrageously overly controlling and dysfunctional family stripped me of the enthusiasm I once had for life since I was just a boy. Fortunately I secretly started counselling in my early twenties and that gave me the strength and support I needed for the first time.

Now I lead my life the way I wish, I am so happy and comfortable in myself. For a while I visited and kept in contact with my family but it really had a noticeable effect on me, that I really could see that cutting all ties was the only way forward.

Yes I feel guilty at times, but what can I do, my family will always be dysfunctional and bring me back to that depressive state, even if they dont realise it.

I wouldnt be surprised if this is a man who deserves some space.

Mrs Garth Brooks

My mam was always very smothering of him and my brothers. Almost treating them like complete handicaps. They werent allowed or able to do anything. Like for example my mam paid his hospital bill and she's not loaded. She even got prescriptions filled for him and she wasn't asked to. Along with dinners made, clothes washed, their food bought.

He was always liked to be independent.

There was always different treatment of myself and my sister, treating us with contempt. Women were only good enough in a kitchen, looking after the lads. Which my brother saw. He now has a girlfriend which he told everyone about except my mother. My mam only found out through someone else. Does he realise that his girlfriend has no chance of being accepted considering that myself and my sister weren't treated the same.

I dont know, its all guess work. He's never said what the reason was but there was nothing else going on at home.

But its nothing what I did. He doesn't make an effort to stay in contact with me or my sister. But rings my brother. I texted him a couple of weeks ago, and he seemed happy to reply. But doesnt make the effort himself. I dont know, it seems as if he doesn't want to.

I felt sorry for my mam though, she finds out that he rings everyone else but her. I was only looking through her phone awhile ago (i wasn't being nosy, my mam doesnt know how to text and got me to write one) and there's a call log going back 2 years ago. There's one missed call from him from last may. He left in march. He rang into my brother's phone on xmas and that was it.

I always thought the world of him and my other two brothers. Its kind of hurtful if thats the way he wants to be.

Do I ask him what's going on?

LegacyUser

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

I always thought the world of him and my other two brothers. Its kind of hurtful if thats the way he wants to be.

Do I ask him what's going on?

Asking him wouldn't hurt, maybe he just doesn't realise that he's upsetting you. If he is cutting the family out he just won't bother responding- either way there is nothing to lose by asking.

Daisy M

You have had numerous threads posted under your user name and anonymously about your mother and brothers. Given the issues you have had with your mother it comes across as fake that you would be concerned for her that he did not contact her on mothers day.

If you are concerned that he is not contacting you then by all means address that, but leave him and your mother to sort out their own relationship. You have not been able to sort out your relationship with your mother so its hardly likely that you will be able to sort things out out between her and your brother.

December2012

It's not your job to sort out your brother and mothers relationship.

Leave it be and let them each behave the way they do.

Is your mother a "victim"? Is she a martyr? Why are you putting so much effort and focus on this when she didn't treat you the same as her other children?

Focus on yourself for a while.

Oh, and it's fine to be in contact with one sibling over another - some people just have more in common and easy going friendships.

andala

It might sound harsh, but from what you wrote it seems your mother brought him up to believe women were not equal to men. Hence he might not respect her or you the way he respects his brothers or father. I'm sorry but if he was used to women serving men, he's not going to appreciate their feelings.

HardLuckWoman

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

He now has a girlfriend which he told everyone about except my mother. My mam only found out through someone else. Does he realise that his girlfriend has no chance of being accepted considering that myself and my sister weren't treated the same.

I've been going out for someone for 3 months that I only let my mother know about a few days ago, and that was only because I'm living at home and wanted to cook him dinner so it was unavoidable. I don't have my mother's number in my phone, don't tell her anything about my life and when I move out I don't intend on ever catching up with her. Some people just don't have a good relationship with their parents.

You say he's been smothered, treated as though he can't do anything for himself, and wont ever have his girlfriend accepted, by a mother who is sexist, controlling, and all the other numerous problems you've posted about her in the past. Are you really surprised??

He's a grown man. Leave him to it.

Daisy M

true-or-false wrote: »

I've been going out for someone for 3 months that I only let my mother know about a few days ago, and that was only because I'm living at home and wanted to cook him dinner so it was unavoidable. I don't have my mother's number in my phone, don't tell her anything about my life and when I move out I don't intend on ever catching up with her. Some people just don't have a good relationship with their parents.

You say he's been smothered, treated as though he can't do anything for himself, and wont ever have his girlfriend accepted, by a mother who is sexist, controlling, and all the other numerous problems you've posted about her in the past. Are you really surprised??

He's a grown man. Leave him to it.

You are a grown woman, if you have so little respect for your mother stop using her by living in her home and move out. It is so hyprocritical to live in her house and at the same time vow to have nothing to do with her when you move out. Show some self respect and stand on your own two feet rather than relying on someone whom you clearly despise.

strandroad

andala wrote: »

It might sound harsh, but from what you wrote it seems your mother brought him up to believe women were not equal to men. Hence he might not respect her or you the way he respects his brothers or father. I'm sorry but if he was used to women serving men, he's not going to appreciate their feelings.

I agree OP, absolutely. Your mother's parenting was about teaching him to take and not to give, with women being subservient to him and his brothers and so he doesn't feel like he owes her and you anything. It's logical when you think about it.

For the sake of his girlfriend I hope that his view is not universal but even if he can see other women as equals, your mother's sexism may have tainted his view of women in his family for good.

a posse ad esse

As far as with your mother there could be other underlying issues and that is between them.

Some siblings grow apart. Relationships between siblings change especially when one moves out of the familial home. This happened with me and my brothers. I was the only girl with four elder brothers and the eldest two were older by at least 13 years. Whilst living together my eldest brothers were always civil and kind to me and we got along well. They used to look after me whenever my parents went out to do errands, etc. When they moved out of the home I didn't see them or heard from them as much. I did miss them but what I've learned through that was they've grown up and moved out so they can start a new and different chapter in their lives. Perhaps this is what your brother is doing? Trying to find himself in a new world and in a different country? This doesn't mean your brother loves you any less. He is too focused on this new life and leaving his old life behind not realising he is hurting you during the process.

If you really want to know what is going on why not give him a call and ask what's up? Or you could start by sending him a text, tell him you miss him and wish he would contact you more often?

December2012

Daisy M wrote: »

You are a grown woman, if you have so little respect for your mother stop using her by living in her home and move out. It is so hyprocritical to live in her house and at the same time vow to have nothing to do with her when you move out. Show some self respect and stand on your own two feet rather than relying on someone whom you clearly despise.

Yknow, not everybody deserves respect. And sometimes necessity comes before hypocrisy.

Unless you know this posters complete situation, which I don't, you can't comment on it.

Daisy M

Daisy M wrote: »

You are a grown woman, if you have so little respect for your mother stop using her by living in her home and move out. It is so hyprocritical to live in her house and at the same time vow to have nothing to do with her when you move out. Show some self respect and stand on your own two feet rather than relying on someone whom you clearly despise.

December2012 wrote: »

Yknow, not everybody deserves respect. And sometimes necessity comes before hypocrisy.

Unless you know this posters complete situation, which I don't, you can't comment on it.

This isn't my thread (if I wanted comments on how I live my life, I'd make one) so this is all I'll say about the above.

Daisy M, I don't know why you had such a strong reaction to my post, but given the large assumptions you took from it, I'll assume I hit a nerve, and I'm sorry, so I'll explain. I respect my mother. I do not despise her. It is not hypocritical to live in her house and at the same time plan to not stay in touch when I move out. Hypocrisy would be if I lived with her and at the same time claimed that I shouldn't. I just don't have conversations with her. She doesn't show any signs of disagreement or upset about this to me. We live in the same house. It is not, as you claim, her house. It's my dad's (who I also don't plan on socialising with after I move out). I contribute more to the house than she does, if we're going to get into the nitty gritty of it. I help her out any time she needs anything, and vice versa. We never fight. I am not using her. She knows the situation just as well as I do, and she's perfectly fine with it. There is 0 animosity. We simply just don't chat.

We just have nothing in common and due to things that happened when I was very young we never formed a relationship. I was just trying to demonstrate that to the OP, to show that some people don't get in touch with their mothers much, and it's not some spiteful vendetta, it's just an absence of a reason to get in touch.

Daisy M

true-or-false wrote: »

This isn't my thread (if I wanted comments on how I live my life, I'd make one) so this is all I'll say about the above.

Daisy M, I don't know why you had such a strong reaction to my post, but given the large assumptions you took from it, I'll assume I hit a nerve, and I'm sorry, so I'll explain. I respect my mother. I do not despise her. It is not hypocritical to live in her house and at the same time plan to not stay in touch when I move out. Hypocrisy would be if I lived with her and at the same time claimed that I shouldn't. I just don't have conversations with her. She doesn't show any signs of disagreement or upset about this to me. We live in the same house. It is not, as you claim, her house. It's my dad's (who I also don't plan on socialising with after I move out). I contribute more to the house than she does, if we're going to get into the nitty gritty of it. I help her out any time she needs anything, and vice versa. We never fight. I am not using her. She knows the situation just as well as I do, and she's perfectly fine with it. There is 0 animosity. We simply just don't chat.

We just have nothing in common and due to things that happened when I was very young we never formed a relationship. I was just trying to demonstrate that to the OP, to show that some people don't get in touch with their mothers much, and it's not some spiteful vendetta, it's just an absence of a reason to get in touch.

I too have an extremely difficult relationship with my mother but not with my father, however I choose to leave the house at a young age rather than living with someone I have no time for, this is why I cant understand why you would choose to live with your parents.
Having said that you are right I don't know anything about your situation and what has brought you to make the decision to live at home and I should not have judged so quickly so I am sorry for that.

Taltos

Daisy M & December2012 - you both are regular posters to PI and know this is a strictly moderated forum.

If we see any repeats of the types of posts above you will force us to remove your posting rights.
We ask all posters to stay civil and stay on topic. Attacking another poster is not acceptable, nor is backseat moderation. If you have an issue with a post report it, don't reply just hit the report button and move on.

Please both of you take some time now to read our charter before posting in this or the RI forum again.

Cheers
Taltos

CdeC

I know it's hard for your mother but leave him at it,

Everyone goes through this and just want to break away from parental bond.
If he is not getting attention he'll eventually start calling more regularly.
Tell your Mum to withdraw all contact and get on with things.
He'll contact eventually.