I want to take a chance

LegacyUser

As the tittle suggests, i'm conflicted to say the least. The crux of it is I have a close friend, good dynamic, not always been platonic and I think they have wanted more. They are dating someone now.

On the one hand, I think I should back off and create some distance as I want my friend to be happy at the end of the day. On the other hand, id like to be irresponsible, take a chance and try my luck, even if it is unfair on the new person on the block.

The real bud of the problem is that i'm currently dealing with some personal issues through counselling, that stem coming from a dysfunctional family. It's a positive step and has helped me understand myself more, shedding light particularly on the fact that I put others 1st to my own detriment and constantly judge myself without mercy. I take full responsibility for anything i'm involved in, even the uncontrollable and others failures.

I fear i'll ultimately let this person down and they'd be better off without, but a part of me recognizes this person makes me happy and is one of the very few "wants" that I know for sure is mine, and mine alone. (that sounds odd, I know!)

The risk is I could lose a friend in the process and will be screwing with a strangers relationship for my own purposes, which is wrong.

Forever Hopeful

OpHide wrote: »

The crux of it is I have a close friend, good dynamic, not always been platonic and I think they have wanted more. They are dating someone now.
On the other hand, id like to be irresponsible, take a chance and try my luck, even if it is unfair on the new person on the block.

The real bud of the problem is that i'm currently dealing with some personal issues through counselling, that stem coming from a dysfunctional family. It's a positive step and has helped me understand myself more, shedding light particularly on the fact that I put others 1st to my own detriment and constantly judge myself without mercy. I take full responsibility for anything i'm involved in, even the uncontrollable and others failures.

I fear i'll ultimately let this person down and they'd be better off without, but a part of me recognizes this person makes me happy and is one of the very few "wants" that I know for sure is mine, and mine alone. (that sounds odd, I know!)

The risk is I could lose a friend in the process and will be screwing with a strangers relationship for my own purposes, which is wrong.

OP, how long did you know your friend before they met someone else?
TBH, I think you should leave well enough alone.
You only want them now as they are with someone else. The comment above about them being yours alone is disturbing. We have no claim on anyone and you just want to make sure you are the priority in their life.
You are adding the counselling details about putting others first to justify being selfish in this case.
Leave well enough alone, you are not sure you can follow through. Messing with someone's feelings when you knowingly can't fully commit is the most selfish act.
Your pride has gotten a kicking as you are no longer #1 in this person's life.
Heal yourself and get involved with someone you want to commit to.

LegacyUser

Apologies, I did not mean this person is "mine alone", which would be quite creepy!

I meant that I was not seeking to appease anyone else and that it was a decision based on "myself". I knew it sounded a bit odd

I think you may be correct on the rest though, my sense of self and right/wrong is just all over the place at the moment and in no place to commit to much. I am just a bit confused at the moment as I attempt to find what is selfless (which I do too much) and selfish.

Thanks!

Lorna123

OpHide wrote: »

As the tittle suggests, i'm conflicted to say the least. The crux of it is I have a close friend, good dynamic, not always been platonic and I think they have wanted more. They are dating someone now.

On the one hand, I think I should back off and create some distance as I want my friend to be happy at the end of the day. On the other hand, id like to be irresponsible, take a chance and try my luck, even if it is unfair on the new person on the block.

The real bud of the problem is that i'm currently dealing with some personal issues through counselling, that stem coming from a dysfunctional family. It's a positive step and has helped me understand myself more, shedding light particularly on the fact that I put others 1st to my own detriment and constantly judge myself without mercy. I take full responsibility for anything i'm involved in, even the uncontrollable and others failures.

I fear i'll ultimately let this person down and they'd be better off without, but a part of me recognizes this person makes me happy and is one of the very few "wants" that I know for sure is mine, and mine alone. (that sounds odd, I know!)

The risk is I could lose a friend in the process and will be screwing with a strangers relationship for my own purposes, which is wrong.

Would you do this to your friend? What makes you think you put others first? You even feel at this stage that you will let this friend down but still you are considering hurting them for your own satisfaction !

You had your chance and you blew it, so leave this person alone to get on with their life and be happy. Go find someone new for yourself.

I have to agree with the last poster, you sound incredibly selfish.

beks101

I think the reason why you want this person, and are considering going after them now of all times, when they are not yours for the taking, is something you should explore with your counsellor. It might be at the heart of the personal issues you're having.

It's not your place to act on anything now as your friend is in a relationship.
Despite whatever instinct you believe you have that this person may have wanted more in the past, right now their behaviour indicates that they don't want more, so any moves you make will just put the friendship at risk. Is it really worth that?

Is this someone in your social circle? Think about the repercussions. Think about if that person rejects you and word gets out that you tried it on. Think about having to be reminded of that rejection every time you see them.

I've been there, I am there right now and I can tell you that it is just not worth it.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

Would you do this to your friend? What makes you think you put others first? You even feel at this stage that you will let this friend down but still you are considering hurting them for your own satisfaction !

You had your chance and you blew it, so leave this person alone to get on with their life and be happy. Go find someone new for yourself.

I have to agree with the last poster, you sound incredibly selfish.

What makes me think I put others 1st? Good question, I don't. But well the reason I mentioned dealing with some leftovers from the past is because I think it is at the heart of this.

Until recently I thought I was fine, moved on, but then something happened and had to see a doc, who says I (unknowingly) fulfill allot of the classic roles from someone of that back round that I was carrying into all relationships and was causing unnecessary stress. A simple example would be that ill try to help (almost) everyone, put myself last, and if (when) it does not work out, i'll blame myself as there was always something more I could have done. In my head, that was/is just taking responsibility. I don't consider it selfless, just what has to be done, what I have always done, anything less is failure. I thought that was normal, and while i'm very in tune with what others are feeling and understanding if they don't do the same all the time, I don't compromise. Some of my siblings would be the polar opposite and not give a hoot about others feelings at all.

Bit nutty now that i'm aware of it, but it had to be pointed out and my own health to suffer before I realized it. It's one aspect of the puzzle which i'm putting together. In a way you could say i'm questioning intrinsic values and struggling with was is normal self love and selfishness.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'm coming from a bit of a different perspective here but I'll add my two cents. I have a friend, and you sound a lot like him. I've been mad about him for years but things were complicated in terms of the social circle and we never got it together. Eventually I started going out with someone else as I figured there was no point in waiting anymore. I tried to get over my friend but tbh never really did. I eventually broke up with the new guy and am back to silently pining over my friend The moral of my pathetic tale is that if she really felt for you strongly there's a good chance things will come round again. If she doesn't...well, you could always say it to her but you'd want to be sure that if she did decide to give up the new guy that you were in a position to commit properly. If you're not, then stay quiet. Fair dues for working on yourself and starting to figure stuff out. It's important to recognise your own needs and wants, but be careful not to go from one extreme to the other. Best of luck - hope it works out for you