Really need to get this off my chest, advice appreciated

confused87

Hi all
I am a regular reader of boards and in particular PI and sometimes post under a different account name, but I have created a different account for this which the mods are aware of because I could not post anonomously because of some difficulty with captchas. I am looking for some advice, but also know that just writing this all down will be a therapy in itself. I apologise for the length of the post in advance, and I will try be as clear as I possibly can and explain things in as much detail as possible so that my situation can be understood.
Now, where to start....
I am 26, and was born in Majorca in 1987, 3 months premature. I also had a twin, but she didn't make it unfortunately, though I do think she is happier where she is, and had she survived she probably wouldn't have had much of a quality of life, as the chord was around her neck, poor little thing
So when I was born, my mum was very sick, and so was I. I nearly didn't make it, I had 3 brain hemerages in the space of 3 days, quite serious ones apparently. I was 2 pounds born, and then lost weight. My retina's then detached and I lost my sight at 8 months. When I was 3/4 I was taken to America a number of times, to try restore my sight but this did not work. I am sure that having a daughter born in a different country, and along with this for me to lose my sight must have been very difficult for my mum. So I had to stay in Spain till I was about 9 months old. This is now where it starts to get interesting...
my mum got pregnant by someone who was engaged to someone else. They went out for 6 months, she says, and when he found out she was pregnant he fecked off! So when it came time for me to come home, she would have had to contact him. Deciding that she either couldn't, or didn't want to do this, she got a spanish man, no idea who he is, to put his name on my birth certificate......
When she came home then, she took up with someone who was well known around the area where I used to live, as not exactly being nice. He had a history of violence, criminal record etc.... He also had a girl pregnant at the same time my mum came home with me/maybe she was born by this stage, not really sure. Anyway, he left her and my mum and him got together. My mum and himself went on to have 2 children-my half sister and brother. unfortunately, there was quite a lot of domestic violence when me and my sister were very young-i was maybe 5/6 and she was 3 years younger than me. This has had, and still continues to have long term effects on us both. For me, effects have included and stil include, inability to deal with confrontation/arguments, I can start an argument, but never finish one, and cannot stand up for myself. All it takes is a raised voice and I am that child in the middle of my mum and her husband arguing again. As I can't see, I was never able to stop them fighting and I was always so scared when the arguments would happen. I remember many nights hearing shouting and sometimes physical violence. Sometimes I would go into my mum's bedroom and stand there hoping they would stop because I was there, but they never did.
As an adult, like I said I cannot deal with arguments, and sometimes I feel like I have not grown up because I cannot deal with this kind of stuff.
I have also had some other health problems which have effected my relationship with my partner, but luckilly we dealt with these with the help of a therapist and I am extremely lucky he was so supportive.
I find myself often angry about what happened when I was a child. I have no good memories of my childhood. All the bad memories are kind of merged into one, and I get scared/sad whenever I think about it.
I am going to see a family therapist in a few weeks though, and I have seen her before so hopefully she can help with some of this stuff. She does not know that I want to work on this part of things but I will let her know when I see her.
Now, back to my mum, her husband and my biological father. Up to 2 years ago, I did not know that my mum's husband was not my dad. I always kind of knew something was different, can't really explain it but I just did. I hated my mum's husband from a very early age because of what he did to her but also felt bad for not having a connection, but then when it was explained to me that he was not my dad lots of stuff fell into place then.
The difficulties I am having at the moment around all of this are that I want to find my biological father. It is going to be next to impossible I feel though, because legally I have no tie to this guy. His name is not on my birth cert, and my mum says she doesn't remember anything about him. I do find this hard to believe, but can I really go on asking the same questions again and again?
Lately also my family have just been being unsupportive. It is my birthday today, and in order to see them/have some kind of celebration the other day, I had to ask my mum during the week about having a coffee for my birthday, to which she replied I should grow up and I am not a baby anymore. Obviously she relented/felt bad because I did see them on friday but this still makes me sad that I had to ask.
I was doing a course last week which I hope will help me to get a job, and I got no support from them in terms of help with transportation to/from the course. Normally when I get taxis they give out but this time there was just no support. I feel sometimes that even though they know I have a disability that they forget when it's convenient for them, and then when it suits them or I am doing something they don't like, they will bring my blindness up and say I can't do something because of it.
Finally:
I am on the waiting list for a guide dog, and have had 2 not work full term before. This means they were retired early, both for different reasons, and nothing to do with me not looking after/taking care of them. I love animals and could never misstreat them or not look after them. my mum told me a few weeks ago that I was only getting a guide dog for something to do and that I was going to get to 30 and end up with nothing. now I have dropped out of some college courses before but this was due to lack of support and also just because I found that they were not for me. I am sure this happens to sighted people all the time, but my mum and her husband constantly bring it up whenever I say I want to do something new, reminding me that I never stick at anything.
I don't know what I am looking for really, I guess I just want confirmation that I am not over reacting by feeling that I should have more support from my family, and also any advice on what I should do about the situation with my biological father would be much appreciated.
To anyone who made it this far, thank you so so much for reading, and I apologise again for the length of the post, but as I knew it would I even feel a little better having writtten everything down.

Daisy M

Hi there, firstly I would like to say I am sorry you went through such a difficult time during your childhood, secondly I would like to say I think you are amazing, you have not let your disability stop you from trying to do the things you want.

I think you need to accept that your family will never be able to give you the support you want or need. This is sad but it doesn't mean that your goals are not achievable, it may take you longer to reach them and your journey may be tougher but if this is something you really want you will get there without your familys help.

Keep going to your counselling, expect nothing from your family and surround yourself with people who care, it doesn't matter how many or few of them they are but you are off with one good friend than a whole family who not only show no support but try and dismiss any of your goals.
Wishing you the best of luck, take care.

Lisha

Hi op

I feel I cannot add a huge amount to what daisy said. She said it a lot better than I could .

Please do continue with your counselling journey. This will give you the skills to recognise and deal with your issues.

I really admire you for coming so far despite all you have had to contend with.
You sound very resourceful and this will help you through your life.

I accept your mother has had a tough time but also she has made bad choices. This is her issue not yours.
I feel you would like a nice relationship with her but it sounds like she is so messed up that this is not possible at the moment.

Only she can help herself just as you can help yourself

Also plenty of sighted people drop out of courses too. Don't beat yourself up on this.

Best of luck with the new dog.

I wish you all the best op, I hope you find what you are looking for