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Family infuriate me
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06-03-2013 11:41am#1I dont even know if I'm just venting here or whether I need advice. Bit of both I suppose.
I am the youngest girl of 3 older brothers. I live at home with my parents until I can afford to rent on my own (which I literally cannot wait for)
Brother 1:
Cannot be trusted with money. Drinks every single night. Has kids, a huge mortgage and a wife to support while she is out of work. He makes very little but still thinks its a fine idea to drink every single night of the week. He takes loans off me and my mam all the time and we're lucky if he pays us back. I've stopped giving him loans but my mam will not as she's too soft! He only ever rings me when he wants something, couldnt care less about me in general!
Brother 2:
I dont even have a relationship with this man. If you were to ask me what are his favourite things, I would stand there with a blank face. He has always been the black sheep of the family as he is very hard to have a conversation with. It's sad because he is actually my hero and I would give anything to be closer to him, but his personality traits prevent that from happening. The only time I have a deep, heartfelt, meaningful conversation with him is when he's drunk...
Brother 3:
Emigrated 2 years ago. Took out a massive loan before he went and my parents went gaurantor on this loan. He has paid very little off it and my parents and me are left struggling at home trying to pay the bills AND his loan. I'd be closest to this brother but I can tell you now, I feel like strangling him when I see him. He makes little or no effort to ring us and let us know how he is, it's all me that pushes for phonecalls and emails.
Parents:
My mam cant work due to an illness so that leaves my dad on his low wage taking the burden of paying bills etc. He is suffering from depression lately (I can tell, I've been through it myself) he never gets out, he sits in everyday watching tv and it BREAKS my heart knowing that he has sacrificed his whole life for his family and he is never going to be able to enjoy his life now we're all grown up. He never has the money to take a stroll into town and go to bookshops etc.
That's a bit of info about them, basically I hate being the only girl. Every situation is left to me or my dad to deal with, because nobody communicates. My brothers dont even ring each other to see how the other is doing. That's their business I've giving up caring about that. But what annoys me is they think they can saunter through life with their heads buried in the sand and leave it to me and my dad to sort out issues within the family.
They are nothing but a burden to me these days and they dont even know it. We're one of those families where everything is swept under the rug and nobody is outstraight about anything. Nobody will say how they really feel. They all moan to me about their life and expect me to help them. I know some posters are going to tell me to leave them to it, but that's my problem I CANT!! I cant stop involving myself because I have too much compassion and empathy for them. They were always my whole life and now, that I'm older and wiser, I'm seeing them for what they really are.
I actually told my dad this morning (which I regret) that I cannot wait to move out, so none of their problems will be mine anymore. I can have my own life with my OH. I feel so bad for saying it. I love my dad so much and I think I'm just getting so down that he never had an easy life and doesnt have any motivation to do anything now. He is a total gem. He will never ever moan about his problems and I guess I am hoping someone here will tell me how to not care anymore
Feel awful writing that, but this is affecting my life in a massive way
I might also mention, I have told my brothers to make more of an effort with my dad. To ring him more, and go out and do things together. Yeah.. never happens so no suprise there! Sometimes I feel like writing them all one massive letter to let them know exactly what I think. But I feel it would be a waste of time 0
Comments
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True! Its not your job to fix your parents or your brothers. Because, your neighbors or friends would it for your family!
Come on! It is YOUR family.. If no one takes responsibility in the family, why not YOU take it and sort it?? Of course it will be challenging and painful. But, no pain, no gain.
Despite all those complaints, I have sense of feeling that you love and care for them. Else you wouldn't be worried about the situation. Love and care towards family is always GREAT :-) I appreciate you on that
My simple suggestion, if you really love them OR if they love you, go ahead.. take the pain and support the family.. It will be a great feeling when you succeed. I bet you will be even more matured and you will get support from when you are struggling.
but, if you don't love them AND they don't love you, no point in doing anything. Move away, start a different life.
Good luck.0 -
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Chara1001
Thank you for your post I have to say I really do agree with what you're saying! I have actually never told them how much all this is bothering me and maybe that's the problem. I have in the past brought up stuff that bothers me and they have made efforts but then it just goes back as it was previously. So I suppose I have kind of given up! Maybe you are right though I should lay it all out for them!
R.D aka MR.D
I have thought exactly that a lot in the past! Thank you for your understanding post, it does help to know people understand exactly where I am coming from. I need to work on losing some of that empathyHi OP!
What age are you?
Well I don't mean to be offensive to you but I think you should leave your brothers alone to be honest.
If they are so much of a burden why don't you try and get away from home like they have! Have you a job OP? If you can afford to give your brother a loan you most have some form of income.
As for your dad how do you know he's depressed? Maybe he's just older and wants to take things easier now than before. Maybe he enjoys sitting in watching the tv after his hard days at work.
You lucky to have them OP to be honest and your family isn't the only family that stuff gets swept under the carpet and I also don't like your attitude to calling one of your brothers the black sheep just because he is a little different he has his own personality and he is himself. Which I think is great.
I'm 26
The bit I highlighted is the only part of your post that was a little uncalled for! I dont have "attitude" it's the truth, written in black and white! If you knew him personally you would understand. He is the black sheep, he has even called himself the black sheep so you have no need to take offence to something which doesnt affect you personally! Iknow my own father and I know he is depressed, because I went through it many times before and it's obvious that he is depressed. I did find the first part of your post helpful, but then it just turned rude! Yes I am lucky to have them but they are more lucky to have me..
Also just to clarify I didnt give my brother a loan, he got it himself and I have had no choice but to help my dad pay it, as he struggles to pay mortgage and bills. If I refused to help pay with my dad, we would be in serious debt by now. I am by no means "well off" even without the bills!
Tinkerbell
I think I needed to hear that big time! Thanks very much for telling it like it is, because I have been too soft for too long. Time to toughen up!0 -
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P. Breathnach wrote: »I'm puzzled at how little you say about your mother. Has she got her own way of coping?
It looks to me as if you want to be on the best of terms with your brothers, but that their behaviour patterns make that difficult or impossible for you. That's the way life can be. You probably cannot change them. In the cases of #1 and #3, there might be a point in telling them what you think, provided that you can manage being frank without burning all the bridges. With all three brothers, I think you need to draw yourself away from them a bit for now: perhaps in a few year's time they will be more sensible and you can rebuild your relationships with them.
I sense that your greatest concern is for your father. Can you make time for him? Take him out for coffee; bring him into bookshops; go to a museum together. I don't know your life pattern, but perhaps it might suit to have a regular time slot, something like Saturday morning for some quality father-daughter time.
I know I didn't actually mention much about her but I love that woman more than life itself. She is the only one who understands how I feel and I always have chats with her about everything. She's had an illness about 35 years now and it restricts her from doing so many things that mothers and daughters are supposed to do. I've never gone for a drink with my mam, never went out just the 2 of us. I didn't mention it in my OP because it hurts a lot that I can't have a normal mother daughter relationship with her. But I make do with what I have and I cherish her!
That's the main reason why my dad has suffered from depression a lot in the past. Her illness has been extremely hard on him. Some relatives have said they think he is a diamond for staying with my mam and us all these years, as a lot of men would have probably given up. Not my dad though, he has stuck through it all and I guess that's why I feel like he should be enjoying his life now and not stuck indoors bored off his head day in day out
Can I just thank you for your post i found it very helpful and you have given me some things to think about. I will have to be a lot more open about how their actions can really bother me. I'm too soft that's my main weakness in life! Have to toughen up!
I do bring my dad out to the cinema and museums, but the past 4 times I have offered to bring him out, he just keeps turning me down. I would pay for anything on our trips out (they wouldnt be expensive anyway) so I don't think it's about money. We're not a very open and outstraight family so it can be hard to find out what my dad is really feeling/thinking!0 -
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Pete Campbell wrote: »Im sorry to hear you are having a hard time with the family OP. Whatever it is about family they can arouse such strong and at times logic defying feelings in us. Things you would never do, say or feel with or about anyone else become acutely magnified when it comes to family.
I don't have any great answers for you. I think a good starting point is with writing that letter to everyone. What might help you begin to get your head round all this is to write a letter to each of the people in your family telling them exactly what you think and feel. Be honest, 100%, matter how good or bad the things you say. You need never actually post that letter to them or show it to them. For now you are doing this for yourself to clarify your thoughts and real feelings and make them more coherent. You might be surprised what arises and it might be helpful to look back on it in the future.
Thanks so much for your understanding post! I think it helps an awful lot when I know that there are thousands of other people like me going through a bit of a rough patch with family!
I had a bit of a breakthrough with brother number 2 yesterday. He was over in the house and we had such a great chat and such a laugh that I was still shocked a few hours after when he had left. He showed major interest it was strange! Almost like he knew I was missing conversation with him!
I feel like I'm getting somewhere one step at a time 0 -
Hi DeltaWhite,
I feel like I can empathise with you. I am a one of three children (all adults now). I currently live at home with my father and my mother has passed away (5 years this year).
I don't have the added financial pressures that you do but I know what it feels like to feel you have to be responsible for everything.
One of my siblings lives abroad, left home at 18. They never got on with our father and now that my Mum is gone has no reason to keep in touch. My other sibling lives about 20mins away and never darkens the door or lifts the phone. Which bothers me more for my fathers sake.
My father is an old school country man who is terrible at communcation on any level and a borderline alcoholic which is not a fun living enviromnent!
Anyway - what I've learned over the past few years is the only persons actions I can control is my own. While I do understood you feel a lot of responsibility because nobody else will take it, remember your parents are adults too. I realised I placed a lot of burden on myself which nobody asked me to carry. I ended up so angry and frustrated a lot of the time, while my siblings were just getting on with their lives and not concerned with me and the issues going on at home. I also think its something of a female thing to want to look after those close to you.
I hope you can learn to find a way to cope better, be it asking for help (extended family?) or through talking and resolving things for yourself. Best of Luck x
Thank you for your post, I have seen in the past on Boards that I am 100% not alone in how I feel and I know there are many people out there with worse situations than me. So I have to say, putting this out there has helped me a lot, some of the answers I got were really really helpful and I am taking all advice on board! The part above highlighted, is my main problem. But from now on I'm going to try and be slightly selfish in the way that I am stopping taking all their problems onto my own plate. It really is for my own sanity and stress levels. So I suppose as that saying goes "I have to look after number 1"
Again thank you for your kind words of advice. I really appreciate them greatly! 0
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